challenged mother in need of perspective change
Faith Void
I feel frustrated and lost. Our family is in a challenging space
filled with much stress, internally and externally. We have become
disconnected frequently. We have never done school at home or sent the
kids to school. I started practicing attachment parenting with my
first since birth. Somewhere I got lost, perhaps we (my family) all
got lost from this path. I am feeling stressed out and angry more
often then I feel joy. We don't know any other unschoolers or parents
with a similar philosophy irl. Our family means well but isn't very
supportive. I am just feeling alone and undirected. I want to get back
on our joyous life journey but I can't figure out how. I have begun to
yell at the kids. I even punished them this evening, my 5 y/o has
never been punished and was very confused. I was so angry I started to
yell mean things but stopped myself. Then I sent them into their room
so I could have space, and regain my composure. I had intended to talk
to them but they both fell asleep within 30 minutes of me sending them
to their room. It was only 8 pm. I was very afraid that I would
emotionally abuse them, as I was as a child. I am scared to feel so
far gone. I can't even think of good questions to ask myself to get
back on track. I can hardly see where I am much less change my
perspective, which I know is what I need. I am sure this is very vague
but maybe someone has a good idea.
thanks
Faith
filled with much stress, internally and externally. We have become
disconnected frequently. We have never done school at home or sent the
kids to school. I started practicing attachment parenting with my
first since birth. Somewhere I got lost, perhaps we (my family) all
got lost from this path. I am feeling stressed out and angry more
often then I feel joy. We don't know any other unschoolers or parents
with a similar philosophy irl. Our family means well but isn't very
supportive. I am just feeling alone and undirected. I want to get back
on our joyous life journey but I can't figure out how. I have begun to
yell at the kids. I even punished them this evening, my 5 y/o has
never been punished and was very confused. I was so angry I started to
yell mean things but stopped myself. Then I sent them into their room
so I could have space, and regain my composure. I had intended to talk
to them but they both fell asleep within 30 minutes of me sending them
to their room. It was only 8 pm. I was very afraid that I would
emotionally abuse them, as I was as a child. I am scared to feel so
far gone. I can't even think of good questions to ask myself to get
back on track. I can hardly see where I am much less change my
perspective, which I know is what I need. I am sure this is very vague
but maybe someone has a good idea.
thanks
Faith
Faith Void
I thought of a question: How can I reestablish healthy boundaries and
get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
Faith
get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
Faith
On Jan 10, 2008 9:34 PM, Faith Void <littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
> I feel frustrated and lost. Our family is in a challenging space
> filled with much stress, internally and externally. We have become
> disconnected frequently. We have never done school at home or sent the
> kids to school. I started practicing attachment parenting with my
> first since birth. Somewhere I got lost, perhaps we (my family) all
> got lost from this path. I am feeling stressed out and angry more
> often then I feel joy. We don't know any other unschoolers or parents
> with a similar philosophy irl. Our family means well but isn't very
> supportive. I am just feeling alone and undirected. I want to get back
> on our joyous life journey but I can't figure out how. I have begun to
> yell at the kids. I even punished them this evening, my 5 y/o has
> never been punished and was very confused. I was so angry I started to
> yell mean things but stopped myself. Then I sent them into their room
> so I could have space, and regain my composure. I had intended to talk
> to them but they both fell asleep within 30 minutes of me sending them
> to their room. It was only 8 pm. I was very afraid that I would
> emotionally abuse them, as I was as a child. I am scared to feel so
> far gone. I can't even think of good questions to ask myself to get
> back on track. I can hardly see where I am much less change my
> perspective, which I know is what I need. I am sure this is very vague
> but maybe someone has a good idea.
> thanks
> Faith
>
Pamela Sorooshian
On Jan 10, 2008, at 6:37 PM, Faith Void wrote:
yourself get down and look into your child's eyes and make yourself
smile with love. That'll short-circuit the pattern. Tell yourself,
throughout the day, "If I feel my temper rising, I am going to
remember to make direct eye contact and smile and think how much I
love that kid BEFORE I react any other way." Be prepared - you might
forget to do it. If you do, don't spend too much time berating
yourself, it just shows this is going to be a bit hard and take some
effort for you. Recognize that - then remind yourself that next time
you're going to do it. Do it whenever you remember - the positive
results will be reinforcing and it will become a habit. Just don't
give up if you aren't immediately perfect - ease into it so that it
becomes a habit.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I thought of a question: How can I reestablish healthy boundaries andThis may sound silly, but every time you feel your temper rising, make
> get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
yourself get down and look into your child's eyes and make yourself
smile with love. That'll short-circuit the pattern. Tell yourself,
throughout the day, "If I feel my temper rising, I am going to
remember to make direct eye contact and smile and think how much I
love that kid BEFORE I react any other way." Be prepared - you might
forget to do it. If you do, don't spend too much time berating
yourself, it just shows this is going to be a bit hard and take some
effort for you. Recognize that - then remind yourself that next time
you're going to do it. Do it whenever you remember - the positive
results will be reinforcing and it will become a habit. Just don't
give up if you aren't immediately perfect - ease into it so that it
becomes a habit.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jodi Bezzola
Hi Faith,
I just want to say that I appreciate SO much the honesty of your post, because I can completely relate to your issue. We have been quite disconnected lately as well, with lots of stress from inside and outside our family unit. We visited my sister and family which always takes me some emotional recovery time, then we were hit with the flu on the car trip home (nothing like puking kids in the car to push my buttons, don't know about you!).
I have felt my patience and compassion seeping away over the last 5 days of being isolated with my kids, being sick myself and not being able to get the rest I need, and this angry, resentful attitude taking its place and yesterday I started to yell at the girls. I was bawling about it in regret shortly thereafter when I looked into their little faces and saw how confused they were - just feeling yucky and wanting me to be the mature one and I was the one throwing a fit. I ended up in that place again today, and we all ended up on the bed today crying and reading books, with them saying 'don't cry mommy just read'. Thank god my dh could swing home for an hour and let me sleep and have them cling to him for awhile, then I could get up and be a much more kind and compassionate mom.
I want to say thank you Pam as well for the practice you suggested - it comes at a much needed time for me as well! I know there isn't just one thing that makes it a black and white issue for me as learning to deal with anger is a work in progress for me. I now understand that feeling the rage does feel more powerful in the moment (and can be quite addicting) and it takes work and effort and mindfulness to be willing to feel the hurt, the sadness, the powerlessness that comes when I breathe and am conscious of my kids and my own experience and how hard it is sometimes to be a parent and not be able to put myself first. Thank god I'm willing to learn. Thanks for being out there working on this stuff too.
Good night :o)
Jodi
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
I just want to say that I appreciate SO much the honesty of your post, because I can completely relate to your issue. We have been quite disconnected lately as well, with lots of stress from inside and outside our family unit. We visited my sister and family which always takes me some emotional recovery time, then we were hit with the flu on the car trip home (nothing like puking kids in the car to push my buttons, don't know about you!).
I have felt my patience and compassion seeping away over the last 5 days of being isolated with my kids, being sick myself and not being able to get the rest I need, and this angry, resentful attitude taking its place and yesterday I started to yell at the girls. I was bawling about it in regret shortly thereafter when I looked into their little faces and saw how confused they were - just feeling yucky and wanting me to be the mature one and I was the one throwing a fit. I ended up in that place again today, and we all ended up on the bed today crying and reading books, with them saying 'don't cry mommy just read'. Thank god my dh could swing home for an hour and let me sleep and have them cling to him for awhile, then I could get up and be a much more kind and compassionate mom.
I want to say thank you Pam as well for the practice you suggested - it comes at a much needed time for me as well! I know there isn't just one thing that makes it a black and white issue for me as learning to deal with anger is a work in progress for me. I now understand that feeling the rage does feel more powerful in the moment (and can be quite addicting) and it takes work and effort and mindfulness to be willing to feel the hurt, the sadness, the powerlessness that comes when I breathe and am conscious of my kids and my own experience and how hard it is sometimes to be a parent and not be able to put myself first. Thank god I'm willing to learn. Thanks for being out there working on this stuff too.
Good night :o)
Jodi
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
On Jan 10, 2008, at 6:37 PM, Faith Void wrote:
> I thought of a question: How can I reestablish healthy boundaries and
> get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
This may sound silly, but every time you feel your temper rising, make
yourself get down and look into your child's eyes and make yourself
smile with love. That'll short-circuit the pattern. Tell yourself,
throughout the day, "If I feel my temper rising, I am going to
remember to make direct eye contact and smile and think how much I
love that kid BEFORE I react any other way." Be prepared - you might
forget to do it. If you do, don't spend too much time berating
yourself, it just shows this is going to be a bit hard and take some
effort for you. Recognize that - then remind yourself that next time
you're going to do it. Do it whenever you remember - the positive
results will be reinforcing and it will become a habit. Just don't
give up if you aren't immediately perfect - ease into it so that it
becomes a habit.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 10, 2008, at 9:34 PM, Faith Void wrote:
being in control of your life. Could that be it?
It will help to cut out unnecessary things draining your time. It
will help to simplify life to cut down on what you want to control.
It will help to get a handle on one thing you love. It will help to
let go of the desire to control and embrace your kids for all their
chaoticness :-)
Obviously that's all rather vague. If you have some specific problems
it will help.
Here's something Scott Noelle wrote a few days ago that might help
you get into a more positive habit:
THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove
:: Do You Know How I Know...? ::
There's a scene in the comedy movie "The 40-Year-Old
Virgin" where two men get into a back-and-forth
exchange of insults, each beginning with "You know
how I know you're gay?"
While I'm not inclined to re-enact the homophobic
banter, the scene inspired me and my wife to use the
back-and-forth format in a positive, playful way...
One day, when we were stressed about money, we
deliberately shifted from scarcity to prosperity
thinking by asking each other repeatedly:
"Do you know how I know we're rich?"
Each time, we sifted through our current life
experience for evidence of abundance and answered...
* Because we have two wonderful children.
* Because we have plenty of good food.
* Because we have supportive friends.
Soon our kids caught wind of the fun and joined the
game enthusiastically...
* Because we can play all day.
* Because we all love each other.
* Because... Because... Because...
Soon we were all *feeling* rich, and the ebb in our
cash flow didn't seem like such a big problem anymore!
So... How do you know YOU'RE rich? :-)
http://dailygroove.net/how-i-know
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I am feeling stressed out and angry moreA lot of times, anger and frustration come from a feeling of not
> often then I feel joy.
being in control of your life. Could that be it?
It will help to cut out unnecessary things draining your time. It
will help to simplify life to cut down on what you want to control.
It will help to get a handle on one thing you love. It will help to
let go of the desire to control and embrace your kids for all their
chaoticness :-)
Obviously that's all rather vague. If you have some specific problems
it will help.
Here's something Scott Noelle wrote a few days ago that might help
you get into a more positive habit:
THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove
:: Do You Know How I Know...? ::
There's a scene in the comedy movie "The 40-Year-Old
Virgin" where two men get into a back-and-forth
exchange of insults, each beginning with "You know
how I know you're gay?"
While I'm not inclined to re-enact the homophobic
banter, the scene inspired me and my wife to use the
back-and-forth format in a positive, playful way...
One day, when we were stressed about money, we
deliberately shifted from scarcity to prosperity
thinking by asking each other repeatedly:
"Do you know how I know we're rich?"
Each time, we sifted through our current life
experience for evidence of abundance and answered...
* Because we have two wonderful children.
* Because we have plenty of good food.
* Because we have supportive friends.
Soon our kids caught wind of the fun and joined the
game enthusiastically...
* Because we can play all day.
* Because we all love each other.
* Because... Because... Because...
Soon we were all *feeling* rich, and the ebb in our
cash flow didn't seem like such a big problem anymore!
So... How do you know YOU'RE rich? :-)
http://dailygroove.net/how-i-know
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
swissarmy_wife
Hi Faith,
First and foremost I wanted to mention you are NOT alone. I just got
over the first trimester of my pregnancy. The whole 3 months I felt
like I was in this fog. No one could find me and I couldn't find
them. Luckily it has passed and I'm slowly picking up the pieces.
According to my husband, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Still, I felt
like I was stuck in a world very much like you described.
I don't think you are "gone". You are seeking advice and support.
That's not "gone". You know, if you don't make mistakes then you
don't learn. I can't imagine that anyone has this perfect unschooling
world 100% of the time. For whatever reason you have made a
connection with what you don't want. It's from these times in my
household that I feel the most strongly about who I want to be as a
mother. I think you know where you want to be, and it's important not
to lose sight of that.
Honesty is really important. Be honest with yourself and with your
children. I know that if I look my child in the eyes and apologize
and explain why I am feeling the way I am, everyone feels better. I
also ended up having a talk with my husband and telling him that I
really needed his help. (I never ask for help LOL) I was in
desperate need of some space, and he really came through for me. I
don't know that I have sure-fire advice for you. Like I said I'm
pregnant and feeling a bit out of it anyway!I I just wanted you to
know that its not just you!
Connecting with other is really important. I know its hard, when
unschoolers seem few and far between. I certainly, treasure my
computer during these times. Also, I'm looking forward to connecting
with others at the waterpark. I think it will be a nice to meet other
unschoolers and I'm hoping to leave feeling supported and refreshed
and if not, the lazy river should at least help with the relaxing
part. LOL
--- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
<littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
First and foremost I wanted to mention you are NOT alone. I just got
over the first trimester of my pregnancy. The whole 3 months I felt
like I was in this fog. No one could find me and I couldn't find
them. Luckily it has passed and I'm slowly picking up the pieces.
According to my husband, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Still, I felt
like I was stuck in a world very much like you described.
I don't think you are "gone". You are seeking advice and support.
That's not "gone". You know, if you don't make mistakes then you
don't learn. I can't imagine that anyone has this perfect unschooling
world 100% of the time. For whatever reason you have made a
connection with what you don't want. It's from these times in my
household that I feel the most strongly about who I want to be as a
mother. I think you know where you want to be, and it's important not
to lose sight of that.
Honesty is really important. Be honest with yourself and with your
children. I know that if I look my child in the eyes and apologize
and explain why I am feeling the way I am, everyone feels better. I
also ended up having a talk with my husband and telling him that I
really needed his help. (I never ask for help LOL) I was in
desperate need of some space, and he really came through for me. I
don't know that I have sure-fire advice for you. Like I said I'm
pregnant and feeling a bit out of it anyway!I I just wanted you to
know that its not just you!
Connecting with other is really important. I know its hard, when
unschoolers seem few and far between. I certainly, treasure my
computer during these times. Also, I'm looking forward to connecting
with others at the waterpark. I think it will be a nice to meet other
unschoolers and I'm hoping to leave feeling supported and refreshed
and if not, the lazy river should at least help with the relaxing
part. LOL
--- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
<littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
>
> I thought of a question: How can I reestablish healthy boundaries and
> get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
> Faith
>
> On Jan 10, 2008 9:34 PM, Faith Void <littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
> > I feel frustrated and lost. Our family is in a challenging space
> > filled with much stress, internally and externally. We have become
> > disconnected frequently. We have never done school at home or sent the
> > kids to school. I started practicing attachment parenting with my
> > first since birth. Somewhere I got lost, perhaps we (my family) all
> > got lost from this path. I am feeling stressed out and angry more
> > often then I feel joy. We don't know any other unschoolers or parents
> > with a similar philosophy irl. Our family means well but isn't very
> > supportive. I am just feeling alone and undirected. I want to get back
> > on our joyous life journey but I can't figure out how. I have begun to
> > yell at the kids. I even punished them this evening, my 5 y/o has
> > never been punished and was very confused. I was so angry I started to
> > yell mean things but stopped myself. Then I sent them into their room
> > so I could have space, and regain my composure. I had intended to talk
> > to them but they both fell asleep within 30 minutes of me sending them
> > to their room. It was only 8 pm. I was very afraid that I would
> > emotionally abuse them, as I was as a child. I am scared to feel so
> > far gone. I can't even think of good questions to ask myself to get
> > back on track. I can hardly see where I am much less change my
> > perspective, which I know is what I need. I am sure this is very vague
> > but maybe someone has a good idea.
> > thanks
> > Faith
> >
>
rebecca de
Joyce said a lot of times, anger and frustration come from a feeling of not being in control of your life. Could that be it?
This statement is soooo true!! I have found myself doing this over and over... but at least now I am catching myself quicker. Just recently I was finding myself flying off the handle all the time with the boys and I had to really dig deep and realize that I was not happy with the relationship I was in -- so I got out of it!! Lifes been much better!!
Than yesterday I had a blow out with my mom because she's not happy with my choice to homeschool (as of Wednesday been home for 3 days).. Started to feel agitated with boys , took a breath and thought to myself there not doing anything out of the ordinary I'm just upset. Preceded with my plans for the day , checked out karate class for oldest son and went to a local childrens musuem where we all had a blast for 3 hours!!!
So once we recognize where the anger is stemming from we can shorten or eliminated it a lot quicker. I hate that I take my frustration out on the kids but hopefully with practice it won't happen......
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This statement is soooo true!! I have found myself doing this over and over... but at least now I am catching myself quicker. Just recently I was finding myself flying off the handle all the time with the boys and I had to really dig deep and realize that I was not happy with the relationship I was in -- so I got out of it!! Lifes been much better!!
Than yesterday I had a blow out with my mom because she's not happy with my choice to homeschool (as of Wednesday been home for 3 days).. Started to feel agitated with boys , took a breath and thought to myself there not doing anything out of the ordinary I'm just upset. Preceded with my plans for the day , checked out karate class for oldest son and went to a local childrens musuem where we all had a blast for 3 hours!!!
So once we recognize where the anger is stemming from we can shorten or eliminated it a lot quicker. I hate that I take my frustration out on the kids but hopefully with practice it won't happen......
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
rebecca de
PHEWWW glad to knowt that I am not the only person to do this!! love ya for mentioned it and what perfect timing to hear it!!!
Jodi Bezzola <jodibezzola@...> wrote: Hi Faith,
I just want to say that I appreciate SO much the honesty of your post, because I can completely relate to your issue. We have been quite disconnected lately as well, with lots of stress from inside and outside our family unit. We visited my sister and family which always takes me some emotional recovery time, then we were hit with the flu on the car trip home (nothing like puking kids in the car to push my buttons, don't know about you!).
I have felt my patience and compassion seeping away over the last 5 days of being isolated with my kids, being sick myself and not being able to get the rest I need, and this angry, resentful attitude taking its place and yesterday I started to yell at the girls. I was bawling about it in regret shortly thereafter when I looked into their little faces and saw how confused they were - just feeling yucky and wanting me to be the mature one and I was the one throwing a fit. I ended up in that place again today, and we all ended up on the bed today crying and reading books, with them saying 'don't cry mommy just read'. Thank god my dh could swing home for an hour and let me sleep and have them cling to him for awhile, then I could get up and be a much more kind and compassionate mom.
I want to say thank you Pam as well for the practice you suggested - it comes at a much needed time for me as well! I know there isn't just one thing that makes it a black and white issue for me as learning to deal with anger is a work in progress for me. I now understand that feeling the rage does feel more powerful in the moment (and can be quite addicting) and it takes work and effort and mindfulness to be willing to feel the hurt, the sadness, the powerlessness that comes when I breathe and am conscious of my kids and my own experience and how hard it is sometimes to be a parent and not be able to put myself first. Thank god I'm willing to learn. Thanks for being out there working on this stuff too.
Good night :o)
Jodi
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
Jodi Bezzola <jodibezzola@...> wrote: Hi Faith,
I just want to say that I appreciate SO much the honesty of your post, because I can completely relate to your issue. We have been quite disconnected lately as well, with lots of stress from inside and outside our family unit. We visited my sister and family which always takes me some emotional recovery time, then we were hit with the flu on the car trip home (nothing like puking kids in the car to push my buttons, don't know about you!).
I have felt my patience and compassion seeping away over the last 5 days of being isolated with my kids, being sick myself and not being able to get the rest I need, and this angry, resentful attitude taking its place and yesterday I started to yell at the girls. I was bawling about it in regret shortly thereafter when I looked into their little faces and saw how confused they were - just feeling yucky and wanting me to be the mature one and I was the one throwing a fit. I ended up in that place again today, and we all ended up on the bed today crying and reading books, with them saying 'don't cry mommy just read'. Thank god my dh could swing home for an hour and let me sleep and have them cling to him for awhile, then I could get up and be a much more kind and compassionate mom.
I want to say thank you Pam as well for the practice you suggested - it comes at a much needed time for me as well! I know there isn't just one thing that makes it a black and white issue for me as learning to deal with anger is a work in progress for me. I now understand that feeling the rage does feel more powerful in the moment (and can be quite addicting) and it takes work and effort and mindfulness to be willing to feel the hurt, the sadness, the powerlessness that comes when I breathe and am conscious of my kids and my own experience and how hard it is sometimes to be a parent and not be able to put myself first. Thank god I'm willing to learn. Thanks for being out there working on this stuff too.
Good night :o)
Jodi
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
On Jan 10, 2008, at 6:37 PM, Faith Void wrote:
> I thought of a question: How can I reestablish healthy boundaries and
> get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
This may sound silly, but every time you feel your temper rising, make
yourself get down and look into your child's eyes and make yourself
smile with love. That'll short-circuit the pattern. Tell yourself,
throughout the day, "If I feel my temper rising, I am going to
remember to make direct eye contact and smile and think how much I
love that kid BEFORE I react any other way." Be prepared - you might
forget to do it. If you do, don't spend too much time berating
yourself, it just shows this is going to be a bit hard and take some
effort for you. Recognize that - then remind yourself that next time
you're going to do it. Do it whenever you remember - the positive
results will be reinforcing and it will become a habit. Just don't
give up if you aren't immediately perfect - ease into it so that it
becomes a habit.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robert Saxon
The times when I have flown off the handle have almost always been times
when I have felt out of control of something or another. From simple causes
like sleep-deprivation or hunger to feeling pressured at my job to money.
Often, it's a combination.
And for some reason, I'm always giving away my "power" so that I am more
helpless.
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.5-ish) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
when I have felt out of control of something or another. From simple causes
like sleep-deprivation or hunger to feeling pressured at my job to money.
Often, it's a combination.
And for some reason, I'm always giving away my "power" so that I am more
helpless.
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.5-ish) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
natasha lawson
Thanks so much for sharing from your heart. I can definitely relate to what you are feeling. I have found that when I am frustrated and/or angry it is usually because I have not given myself the time and attention I need. This is very important to do. I have also realized that when I was working outside of the home, I felt purposeful and connected in some way. What I have had to remind myself is that the time that I am investing in my family at this time takes purpose and is a worthy aspiration. Making time and taking it to do the things I enjoy doing most for myself is what I am going to do to stay connected with other adults. Thanks again for sharing. Congratulations on taking the steps to homeschool your children. Remember that when you decide to step out of the familiar, you will most often meet resistance. We are all in this fight together. STAY STRONG and TAKE COURAGE!
Natasha Lawson
www.pamperedchef.biz/nlawson
301-420-3367
"Change your thoughts and you change your world." Norman Vincent Peale
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Natasha Lawson
www.pamperedchef.biz/nlawson
301-420-3367
"Change your thoughts and you change your world." Norman Vincent Peale
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hmsdragonfly
--- Faith Void wrote:
the above. You had a bad moment. That's all. The joyful family life
is still there. You only have to step back into it, and doing *that*
is as easy as doing something fun with your kids. It doesn't have to
be anything fancy: make a pig pile, build a fort, snuggle together
for a while. Simply start fresh.
I'm not saying you pretend the bad moment never happened. Maybe you
need to talk to your kids about it, and maybe you can learn something
from it that will prevent or help you with the next time. But
reconnecting with your kids takes one small step in the right
direction. And then another. And then another.
Here is what I try for when I'm "in the moment."
* Breathe. Except when someone is in peril, there is always time for
a deep breath -- and I'm not talking about that big breath one takes
before you letting fly with some yelling. ;-) I take a deep breath
and feel where it goes, paying attention to its effect on the tense
spots in my shoulders, stomach, and neck (in that order, evidently,
since that's where I felt it when I did it just now). As I exhale, I
relax those tense spots even more, and then...
* Decide if I am capable of empathy yet, and if I'm not, I buy some
time. (Remember, there is no immediate peril. You can have more
time.) I think or say something like, "I need a minute here. I'm
feeling really tense and helpless, and I'm worried I'm going to lose
my temper." I had a therapist describe this as building a box around
the emotions. I haven't shut them off, and the box isn't to be used
for shoving them into some dusty attic that they might later escape
from. It's a place where I can look at them, get a little distance
from them, and start to be more objective.
* Still not there? I leave the room. I worry about my kids feeling
abandoned with their big feelings, so I try to preface this
with "I'll be right back," but I don't always manage it. Just the
other night, I was irritated with Chloe and sort of stomped up the
stairs to my room. She can have been in no doubt as to my state of
mind. ;-) But we've been together a long time now, and she also
wasn't surprised when I returned a few minutes later in a more
cheerful mindset. Once I've had my timeout and I'm ready to
empathize...
* I think about what this situation looks like for my child. I get
into her shoes. I think "All she wants is ___________" and fill in
the blank. In my experience, whatever it is that goes in that blank
will not be unreasonable.
* We move on to finding solutions.
--- Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
"Sooner or later we will come to the edge of all that we can control
and find life, waiting there for us." Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
I first read that six or seven years ago. It jumped off the page
of "My Grandfather's Blessings" to smack me upside the head. :-)
Hope something in there helps!
Ronnie
www.zombieprincess.blogspot.com
>You said you wanted a perspective change. I recommend starting with
> I thought of a question: How can I reestablish healthy boundaries
> and get back to a joyful family life with resorting to coercion?
the above. You had a bad moment. That's all. The joyful family life
is still there. You only have to step back into it, and doing *that*
is as easy as doing something fun with your kids. It doesn't have to
be anything fancy: make a pig pile, build a fort, snuggle together
for a while. Simply start fresh.
I'm not saying you pretend the bad moment never happened. Maybe you
need to talk to your kids about it, and maybe you can learn something
from it that will prevent or help you with the next time. But
reconnecting with your kids takes one small step in the right
direction. And then another. And then another.
Here is what I try for when I'm "in the moment."
* Breathe. Except when someone is in peril, there is always time for
a deep breath -- and I'm not talking about that big breath one takes
before you letting fly with some yelling. ;-) I take a deep breath
and feel where it goes, paying attention to its effect on the tense
spots in my shoulders, stomach, and neck (in that order, evidently,
since that's where I felt it when I did it just now). As I exhale, I
relax those tense spots even more, and then...
* Decide if I am capable of empathy yet, and if I'm not, I buy some
time. (Remember, there is no immediate peril. You can have more
time.) I think or say something like, "I need a minute here. I'm
feeling really tense and helpless, and I'm worried I'm going to lose
my temper." I had a therapist describe this as building a box around
the emotions. I haven't shut them off, and the box isn't to be used
for shoving them into some dusty attic that they might later escape
from. It's a place where I can look at them, get a little distance
from them, and start to be more objective.
* Still not there? I leave the room. I worry about my kids feeling
abandoned with their big feelings, so I try to preface this
with "I'll be right back," but I don't always manage it. Just the
other night, I was irritated with Chloe and sort of stomped up the
stairs to my room. She can have been in no doubt as to my state of
mind. ;-) But we've been together a long time now, and she also
wasn't surprised when I returned a few minutes later in a more
cheerful mindset. Once I've had my timeout and I'm ready to
empathize...
* I think about what this situation looks like for my child. I get
into her shoes. I think "All she wants is ___________" and fill in
the blank. In my experience, whatever it is that goes in that blank
will not be unreasonable.
* We move on to finding solutions.
--- Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
> A lot of times, anger and frustration come from a feeling of notI have a quote for this, too:
> being in control of your life. Could that be it? (snip)
> Here's something Scott Noelle wrote a few days ago...
"Sooner or later we will come to the edge of all that we can control
and find life, waiting there for us." Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
I first read that six or seven years ago. It jumped off the page
of "My Grandfather's Blessings" to smack me upside the head. :-)
Hope something in there helps!
Ronnie
www.zombieprincess.blogspot.com