Problem Solving
Amanda Horein
I could be going about this so much better, but I don't know how.
My oldest is 7 1/2. The current situation looks something like this
(although we have variants on a regular basis)...
My daughter's schooled friend Hannah is over during her vacation. Marti (my
dd) is always asking if Hannah can come over. Now that she is here though,
all Marti wants to do is play video games (which is fine, normally), but she
expects Hannah to just sit there and watch her. Hannah keeps trying to get
up which leads me to believe that Hannah is bored. So Marti moves from
video game to video game trying to keep Hannah wanting to just sit there and
watch her, but Hannah would rather go and play with the younger kids. Marti
gets upset.
So, Marti sulks on the couch. I try to go comfort her. I try and give her
ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playing
something Hannah wants to play, etc. My ideas only make her more upset and
frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away (due to
my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.
What could I be doing better?
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My oldest is 7 1/2. The current situation looks something like this
(although we have variants on a regular basis)...
My daughter's schooled friend Hannah is over during her vacation. Marti (my
dd) is always asking if Hannah can come over. Now that she is here though,
all Marti wants to do is play video games (which is fine, normally), but she
expects Hannah to just sit there and watch her. Hannah keeps trying to get
up which leads me to believe that Hannah is bored. So Marti moves from
video game to video game trying to keep Hannah wanting to just sit there and
watch her, but Hannah would rather go and play with the younger kids. Marti
gets upset.
So, Marti sulks on the couch. I try to go comfort her. I try and give her
ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playing
something Hannah wants to play, etc. My ideas only make her more upset and
frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away (due to
my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.
What could I be doing better?
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathleen Gehrke
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Horein"
<horein@...> wrote:
Hannah want to do? What does Marti want to do?
Maybe playing in two seperate places will work for them. Maybe they
need help expressing what they need.
Maybe they might like a suggestion of a mutual activity to help
them interact ie. baking cookies with you an art project, something
to help them relate.
Good luck.
Kathleen
<horein@...> wrote:
>>Marti (my
> My daughter's schooled friend Hannah is over during her vacation.
> dd) is always asking if Hannah can come over. Now that she ishere though,
> all Marti wants to do is play video games (which is fine,normally), but she
> expects Hannah to just sit there and watch her.Can you help Hannah and Marti problem solve it together? What does
Hannah want to do? What does Marti want to do?
Maybe playing in two seperate places will work for them. Maybe they
need help expressing what they need.
Maybe they might like a suggestion of a mutual activity to help
them interact ie. baking cookies with you an art project, something
to help them relate.
Good luck.
Kathleen
[email protected]
Amanda, what happens when you talk to your DD about this before her friend
comes over? Julian had a friend (also schooled) that was not allowed to watch TV
(except for the few selected programs for a short, limited time per day) so
we would often need to mention and re-mention that fact before she arrived. We
also decided together that we would not watch TV when she visited. I opted to
kinda use that time for a bit of info regarding being polite. It worked well -
BUT - Julian was 4 then and that is WAY different from a 7 year old, indeed.
Good luck! Sounds frustrating, but I betcha something will happen to smooth
it over soon :)
Karen
**************************************
See AOL's top rated recipes
(http://food.aol.com/top-rated-recipes?NCID=aoltop00030000000004)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
comes over? Julian had a friend (also schooled) that was not allowed to watch TV
(except for the few selected programs for a short, limited time per day) so
we would often need to mention and re-mention that fact before she arrived. We
also decided together that we would not watch TV when she visited. I opted to
kinda use that time for a bit of info regarding being polite. It worked well -
BUT - Julian was 4 then and that is WAY different from a 7 year old, indeed.
Good luck! Sounds frustrating, but I betcha something will happen to smooth
it over soon :)
Karen
**************************************
See AOL's top rated recipes
(http://food.aol.com/top-rated-recipes?NCID=aoltop00030000000004)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanne
Hi Amanda...The first thing that came to my mind is what I do with my
middle child (she's 12) which is talk to her about this *before* it
happens. Talk about what your observations were (her friend being bored,
etc) and ask her what she thinks about it. My daughter seems to handle
situations better when the two of us can have some alone time and just
talk about it. I find that talking to her *while* it's happening is a
lose-lose situation.
Joanne
http://www.myspace.com/joannegreco <http://www.myspace.com/joannegreco>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
middle child (she's 12) which is talk to her about this *before* it
happens. Talk about what your observations were (her friend being bored,
etc) and ask her what she thinks about it. My daughter seems to handle
situations better when the two of us can have some alone time and just
talk about it. I find that talking to her *while* it's happening is a
lose-lose situation.
Joanne
http://www.myspace.com/joannegreco <http://www.myspace.com/joannegreco>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-
Maybe playing in two seperate places will work for them.
-=-=-=-
I think a big problem is that Marti expects that Hannah will want to watch
her because Marti likes to sit and watch others.
-=-=-=-
Amanda, what happens when you talk to your DD about this before her friend
comes over?
-=-=-=-
I have to ponder this. I am not sure I have talked to her about it before
hand. That seems silly, doesn't it?
Thanks for the ideas everyone. Certainly gives me a different perspective.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe playing in two seperate places will work for them.
-=-=-=-
I think a big problem is that Marti expects that Hannah will want to watch
her because Marti likes to sit and watch others.
-=-=-=-
Amanda, what happens when you talk to your DD about this before her friend
comes over?
-=-=-=-
I have to ponder this. I am not sure I have talked to her about it before
hand. That seems silly, doesn't it?
Thanks for the ideas everyone. Certainly gives me a different perspective.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Claudia
> So, Marti sulks on the couch. I try to go comfort her.I try and give her
> ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playingwell, but does your dd realise how disrespectful of her friend she is?
> something Hannah wants to play, etc.
I guess she wouldn't like to be treated that way!
Not that relationships between 7y/o girls are always easy here either
;) (thinking about my 7 1/2 y/o and her friends)
Claudia
My ideas only make her more upset and
> frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
> work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away (due to
> my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.
>
> What could I be doing better?
>
> --
> Amanda
> Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
> Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
> Babysitter to Stella (3)
> http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
>
> "Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
> -Jane Brody
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-
well, but does your dd realise how disrespectful of her friend she is?
I guess she wouldn't like to be treated that way!
-=-=-=-
No, I don't think she does. Even when I try and explain it, it seems to me
that she doesn't care because she wants to go right back to the thing that
SHE wants to do.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
well, but does your dd realise how disrespectful of her friend she is?
I guess she wouldn't like to be treated that way!
-=-=-=-
No, I don't think she does. Even when I try and explain it, it seems to me
that she doesn't care because she wants to go right back to the thing that
SHE wants to do.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Amanda Horein <horein@...>
-=-=-=-
well, but does your dd realise how disrespectful of her friend she is?
I guess she wouldn't like to be treated that way!
-=-=-=-
No, I don't think she does. Even when I try and explain it, it seems
to me
that she doesn't care because she wants to go right back to the thing
that
SHE wants to do.
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
That's why it seems to work best if you can talk about when some other
time---when the friend's not there and she's in a good mood, not busy
with something, and open to discussion.
When it happens to *her* would be a possible time to open that
discussion too---when *she* is feeling the hurt, when she *does* care.
"In the moment" is often a bad time to even mention stuff like that.
Brainstorm options for when she *is* in the moment. Maybe decide on a
"secret word" that could trigger her to change---that way it doesn't
look like a direct "order"---just a reminder.
Duncan can get mouthy sometimes---goes on and on and on about something
that's obviously not interesting to his listener, but *he* is really
excited about. And he used to get overly excited and just spin out of
control. We came up with "Beep Beep" from Stephen King's _It_. When one
of the character's has gone too far, his friends say "Beep Beep" to
bring him down.
We say it quietly to Duncan, and that's his cue to understand he's
going too far and needs to reel it in a bit. It doesn't embarrass or
frustrate him 'cause he was part of the solution. It's just his cue,
and he likes it because he doesn't want to bore others or get too out
of control. He just needed help in these situations, and it seems to
work really, really well for him.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
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From: Amanda Horein <horein@...>
-=-=-=-
well, but does your dd realise how disrespectful of her friend she is?
I guess she wouldn't like to be treated that way!
-=-=-=-
No, I don't think she does. Even when I try and explain it, it seems
to me
that she doesn't care because she wants to go right back to the thing
that
SHE wants to do.
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
That's why it seems to work best if you can talk about when some other
time---when the friend's not there and she's in a good mood, not busy
with something, and open to discussion.
When it happens to *her* would be a possible time to open that
discussion too---when *she* is feeling the hurt, when she *does* care.
"In the moment" is often a bad time to even mention stuff like that.
Brainstorm options for when she *is* in the moment. Maybe decide on a
"secret word" that could trigger her to change---that way it doesn't
look like a direct "order"---just a reminder.
Duncan can get mouthy sometimes---goes on and on and on about something
that's obviously not interesting to his listener, but *he* is really
excited about. And he used to get overly excited and just spin out of
control. We came up with "Beep Beep" from Stephen King's _It_. When one
of the character's has gone too far, his friends say "Beep Beep" to
bring him down.
We say it quietly to Duncan, and that's his cue to understand he's
going too far and needs to reel it in a bit. It doesn't embarrass or
frustrate him 'cause he was part of the solution. It's just his cue,
and he likes it because he doesn't want to bore others or get too out
of control. He just needed help in these situations, and it seems to
work really, really well for him.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com