Re: How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle
Laurie Wolfrum
Thanks for responding...but here are more thoughts.
Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with her
anymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might be
reserved for a time when only one child goes ...."
---If one child went, the others would want to go too.
(We don't eat out that often and they all would be so
excited to go.)
---As far as getting together at the park where they
could be rambunctious, that sounds great, but our
family is visiting from another state (and staying
with us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately it
is too cold for parks. With some of my relatives we
can go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,
but it is those at home times when the kids get all
riled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way,
don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
kids coming off looking bad."
-- But I can't change the way people "see" my
children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
who thinks they should be quieter and have more
patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
me and my parenting choices.
Laurie
____________________________________________________________________________________
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Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with her
anymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might be
reserved for a time when only one child goes ...."
---If one child went, the others would want to go too.
(We don't eat out that often and they all would be so
excited to go.)
---As far as getting together at the park where they
could be rambunctious, that sounds great, but our
family is visiting from another state (and staying
with us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately it
is too cold for parks. With some of my relatives we
can go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,
but it is those at home times when the kids get all
riled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way,
don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
kids coming off looking bad."
-- But I can't change the way people "see" my
children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
who thinks they should be quieter and have more
patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
me and my parenting choices.
Laurie
____________________________________________________________________________________
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Make Yahoo! your homepage.
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Pamela Sorooshian
The point was to give you ideas for ways you might make things work
better, not to give you exactly how to do it.
I think if you go back and reread your response, you might be able to
see how you are shutting yourself off from possibilities by looking at
why ideas won't work, rather than as jumping-off points for finding
something that will work.
For example (and, again, just an example, don't immediately tell us
why this won't work), you said that spending more time outdoors won't
work. But, instead, you might have thought, "Maybe I can find a way to
not HAVE family visits during the cold months." I've spent time in
Maine and know how absolutely beautiful the outdoors is - have them
there when you CAN spend more time outside.
I'm wondering if you were hoping we could give you ideas for ways to
change your visitors, to convince THEM to see things differently?
Magic words that would get them to see your children the way you see
them?
-pam
better, not to give you exactly how to do it.
I think if you go back and reread your response, you might be able to
see how you are shutting yourself off from possibilities by looking at
why ideas won't work, rather than as jumping-off points for finding
something that will work.
For example (and, again, just an example, don't immediately tell us
why this won't work), you said that spending more time outdoors won't
work. But, instead, you might have thought, "Maybe I can find a way to
not HAVE family visits during the cold months." I've spent time in
Maine and know how absolutely beautiful the outdoors is - have them
there when you CAN spend more time outside.
I'm wondering if you were hoping we could give you ideas for ways to
change your visitors, to convince THEM to see things differently?
Magic words that would get them to see your children the way you see
them?
-pam
On Dec 2, 2007, at 1:37 PM, Laurie Wolfrum wrote:
> Thanks for responding...but here are more thoughts.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
alohabun
Yes Pam! That totally makes sense! I probably need to think about
not having guests come in December or when I know my kids are having
difficult times. (It has been SO difficult since like Halloween time
with my ds). I guess I need to think about our family's needs and not
always saying yes, come anytime.
Magic words that would get them to see your children the way you see
them?
Yes, I guess I would love for those magic words. But I know that is
not possible. Maybe that is what makes parents so special...how much
good we can see in our children and the trust that we have in them and
their processes. Thanks. Laurie
not having guests come in December or when I know my kids are having
difficult times. (It has been SO difficult since like Halloween time
with my ds). I guess I need to think about our family's needs and not
always saying yes, come anytime.
> I'm wondering if you were hoping we could give you ideas for ways tochange your visitors, to convince THEM to see things differently?
Magic words that would get them to see your children the way you see
them?
Yes, I guess I would love for those magic words. But I know that is
not possible. Maybe that is what makes parents so special...how much
good we can see in our children and the trust that we have in them and
their processes. Thanks. Laurie
Meghan Pawlowski
This is something I have struggled with, as well, and what has helped the most is making a conscious choice to *let it go.* You said," But I can't change the way people 'see' my children's behavior," and you're right. When I start worrying about what people are thinking of me, my parenting, and my kids, I take a deep breath and remind myself that even though these people may disagree with my parenting, it doesn't make them right. I made an informed decision about how I want to parent my kids after doing a ton of research. My mother's/sister's/aunt's disapproval doesn't change that.
In the moment, if my kids are getting loud and rambunctious and I have disapproving relatives or friends about, I just try to engage the kids. Sometimes suggesting a game or video will work, or we'll decide to go outside so the kids can play and the adults can visit, or I'll pull out a board game the 4-year-olds like. -Meghan, mama to Ava (4), Genevieve (4), and Liam (22 months) Visit us at http://www.planetpawlowski.blogspot.com
To: [email protected]: alohabun@...: Sun, 2 Dec 2007 13:37:01 -0800Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle
Thanks for responding...but here are more thoughts. Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with heranymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might bereserved for a time when only one child goes ...."---If one child went, the others would want to go too.(We don't eat out that often and they all would be soexcited to go.) ---As far as getting together at the park where theycould be rambunctious, that sounds great, but ourfamily is visiting from another state (and stayingwith us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately itis too cold for parks. With some of my relatives wecan go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,but it is those at home times when the kids get allriled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10. ---I guess this is really all about me...I want tofeel like others think I am a good parent. And I wantto model being respectful of kids and questioningassumptions based on our culture because I believe indoing that. But when it looks like my way is not verygood I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yrold is very needy ...maybe what people would callspirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needsand everyone else's. Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where your own kids are used to doing things their way,don't expect the kids to behave according to someoneelse's expectations. That's kind of a set up for thekids coming off looking bad."-- But I can't change the way people "see" mychildren's behavior. I can't affect how they viewthem...the kids will come off looking bad to someonewho thinks they should be quieter and have morepatience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr oldds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do thatdown the road and "I" accept him for who he is now. But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me. Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceiveme and my parenting choices. Laurie __________________________________________________________Get easy, one-click access to your favorites. Make Yahoo! your homepage.http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
In the moment, if my kids are getting loud and rambunctious and I have disapproving relatives or friends about, I just try to engage the kids. Sometimes suggesting a game or video will work, or we'll decide to go outside so the kids can play and the adults can visit, or I'll pull out a board game the 4-year-olds like. -Meghan, mama to Ava (4), Genevieve (4), and Liam (22 months) Visit us at http://www.planetpawlowski.blogspot.com
To: [email protected]: alohabun@...: Sun, 2 Dec 2007 13:37:01 -0800Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle
Thanks for responding...but here are more thoughts. Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with heranymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might bereserved for a time when only one child goes ...."---If one child went, the others would want to go too.(We don't eat out that often and they all would be soexcited to go.) ---As far as getting together at the park where theycould be rambunctious, that sounds great, but ourfamily is visiting from another state (and stayingwith us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately itis too cold for parks. With some of my relatives wecan go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,but it is those at home times when the kids get allriled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10. ---I guess this is really all about me...I want tofeel like others think I am a good parent. And I wantto model being respectful of kids and questioningassumptions based on our culture because I believe indoing that. But when it looks like my way is not verygood I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yrold is very needy ...maybe what people would callspirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needsand everyone else's. Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where your own kids are used to doing things their way,don't expect the kids to behave according to someoneelse's expectations. That's kind of a set up for thekids coming off looking bad."-- But I can't change the way people "see" mychildren's behavior. I can't affect how they viewthem...the kids will come off looking bad to someonewho thinks they should be quieter and have morepatience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr oldds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do thatdown the road and "I" accept him for who he is now. But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me. Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceiveme and my parenting choices. Laurie __________________________________________________________Get easy, one-click access to your favorites. Make Yahoo! your homepage.http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
_________________________________________________________________
Put your friends on the big screen with Windows Vista� + Windows Live�.
http://www.microsoft.com/windows/shop/specialoffers.mspx?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_CPC_MediaCtr_bigscreen_102007
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Hi Laurie,
I understand how you feel. I am the kind of person that does not really care what others think but even I sometimes want to prove my way is the right way. You know what ? You cannot! You cannot change eoples mind if they are not open to it.
You have to believe, deep down , that what you are doing is right for your family.
Radical Unschooling is not about the outcome but the journey.
You really have to be in your kids side. If they are jumping around, being loud in your home and just being kids and you are trying to make them be who they are not in front of other people will just make those people feel you are not very comfortable with your kids being that way and you also must not approve or you would not be responding to them that way.
Trying too find a way to not set your kids up to failure is great ( like Pam said).
But just accept that no matter what you parents will see your kids they way THEY choose to see it. No matter what you do. Help them see the good side of being a kid . Help them see your kids liek you trully do.
IF your kids are jumping on top of the couch and they are normally allowed to ( mine are- I have an older couch)and you say:
" Kids Could you all please stop jumping on the couch" IT would seem to your parents that they are being wild even for you.
If you say:
" Hey guys you are all sooo excited about Grandma and Grandpa being here. " Turn to them and say;" Isn't it wonderful to have such energy, joy and be healthy ! Kids are so much fun"and look at your kids with pride.
That will look like a mom that is proud of her kids and comfortable about them being kids.
Got to go. Ds wants me. Hope I was clear.
Alex
----- Original Message ----
From: Laurie Wolfrum <alohabun@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, December 2, 2007 3:37:01 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle
Thanks for responding.. .but here are more thoughts.
Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with her
anymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might be
reserved for a time when only one child goes ...."
---If one child went, the others would want to go too.
(We don't eat out that often and they all would be so
excited to go.)
---As far as getting together at the park where they
could be rambunctious, that sounds great, but our
family is visiting from another state (and staying
with us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately it
is too cold for parks. With some of my relatives we
can go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,
but it is those at home times when the kids get all
riled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way,
don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
kids coming off looking bad."
-- But I can't change the way people "see" my
children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
who thinks they should be quieter and have more
patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
me and my parenting choices.
Laurie
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.
Make Yahoo! your homepage.
http://www.yahoo com/r/hs
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I understand how you feel. I am the kind of person that does not really care what others think but even I sometimes want to prove my way is the right way. You know what ? You cannot! You cannot change eoples mind if they are not open to it.
You have to believe, deep down , that what you are doing is right for your family.
Radical Unschooling is not about the outcome but the journey.
You really have to be in your kids side. If they are jumping around, being loud in your home and just being kids and you are trying to make them be who they are not in front of other people will just make those people feel you are not very comfortable with your kids being that way and you also must not approve or you would not be responding to them that way.
Trying too find a way to not set your kids up to failure is great ( like Pam said).
But just accept that no matter what you parents will see your kids they way THEY choose to see it. No matter what you do. Help them see the good side of being a kid . Help them see your kids liek you trully do.
IF your kids are jumping on top of the couch and they are normally allowed to ( mine are- I have an older couch)and you say:
" Kids Could you all please stop jumping on the couch" IT would seem to your parents that they are being wild even for you.
If you say:
" Hey guys you are all sooo excited about Grandma and Grandpa being here. " Turn to them and say;" Isn't it wonderful to have such energy, joy and be healthy ! Kids are so much fun"and look at your kids with pride.
That will look like a mom that is proud of her kids and comfortable about them being kids.
Got to go. Ds wants me. Hope I was clear.
Alex
----- Original Message ----
From: Laurie Wolfrum <alohabun@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, December 2, 2007 3:37:01 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle
Thanks for responding.. .but here are more thoughts.
Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with her
anymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might be
reserved for a time when only one child goes ...."
---If one child went, the others would want to go too.
(We don't eat out that often and they all would be so
excited to go.)
---As far as getting together at the park where they
could be rambunctious, that sounds great, but our
family is visiting from another state (and staying
with us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately it
is too cold for parks. With some of my relatives we
can go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,
but it is those at home times when the kids get all
riled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way,
don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
kids coming off looking bad."
-- But I can't change the way people "see" my
children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
who thinks they should be quieter and have more
patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
me and my parenting choices.
Laurie
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.
Make Yahoo! your homepage.
http://www.yahoo com/r/hs
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Wendy McDonald
--- In [email protected], Laurie Wolfrum
<alohabun@...> wrote:
but you can step in and comment (politely) that your parenting
choices, and your children's behavior, is not up for discussion.
Perhaps you could, when you see one of Those Relatives raise an
eyebrow or swap glances with another, step in and simply say *to the
relatives* "This level of noise is okay with me. If it bothers you,
why don't we sit in the kitchen?" (or whatever) When someone
questions the way I am parenting my kids, (read: I'm "not doing
anything" about the fact that my 4 year olds are acting like . . .
well . . . 4 year olds!), I say, quite matter-of-factly, that what
they're doing is okay with me. Then I change the subject.
It sounds like you are still working on holding others' perceptions of
you at arms length. It takes practice, and patience, and as long as
you keep at it, you'll feel more and more comfortable against those
criticisms. In the meantime, see if there is any way that some of the
suggestions people have given can be implemented. I know that there
in MA, there are many indoor playgrounds. Often, if we've been cooped
up by bad weather, I let my guests know what we plan to do, and invite
them to come along. Most people are interested to see what an indoor
playground looks like, and since adults are usually free, it's a good
option.
Good luck,
Wendy
<alohabun@...> wrote:
>No, you can't change the way others see your children's behavior --
> Thanks for responding...but here are more thoughts.
> -- But I can't change the way people "see" my
> children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
> them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
> who thinks they should be quieter and have more
> patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
> ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
> down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
> But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
> Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
> me and my parenting choices.
> Laurie
but you can step in and comment (politely) that your parenting
choices, and your children's behavior, is not up for discussion.
Perhaps you could, when you see one of Those Relatives raise an
eyebrow or swap glances with another, step in and simply say *to the
relatives* "This level of noise is okay with me. If it bothers you,
why don't we sit in the kitchen?" (or whatever) When someone
questions the way I am parenting my kids, (read: I'm "not doing
anything" about the fact that my 4 year olds are acting like . . .
well . . . 4 year olds!), I say, quite matter-of-factly, that what
they're doing is okay with me. Then I change the subject.
It sounds like you are still working on holding others' perceptions of
you at arms length. It takes practice, and patience, and as long as
you keep at it, you'll feel more and more comfortable against those
criticisms. In the meantime, see if there is any way that some of the
suggestions people have given can be implemented. I know that there
in MA, there are many indoor playgrounds. Often, if we've been cooped
up by bad weather, I let my guests know what we plan to do, and invite
them to come along. Most people are interested to see what an indoor
playground looks like, and since adults are usually free, it's a good
option.
Good luck,
Wendy
alohabun
Alex, I was sometimes responding to the kids differently than I
would have otherwise, even sometimes with just my thoughts..perhaps
mostly with thoughts. Responding aloud to my exuberant ds in a more
positive way might be something to embrace. I will try to remember
that. Thanks! Laurie
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
way is the right way. You know what ? You cannot! You cannot change
eoples mind if they are not open to it..........(snip - am I doing
this right...the snip bit)
the journey.> You really have to be in your kids side. If they are
jumping around, being loud in your home and just being kids and you
are trying to make them be who they are not in front of other people
will just make those people feel you are not very comfortable with
your kids being that way and you also must not approve or you would
not be responding to them that way.> Trying too find a way to not
set your kids up to failure is great ( like Pam said).> But just
accept that no matter what you parents will see your kids they way
THEY choose to see it. No matter what you do. Help them see the good
side of being a kid . Help them see your kids liek you trully do.
have such energy, joy and be healthy ! Kids are so much fun"and look
at your kids with pride.> That will look like a mom that is proud of
her kids and comfortable about them being kids.> > Got to go. Ds
wants me. Hope I was clear.> Alex
would have otherwise, even sometimes with just my thoughts..perhaps
mostly with thoughts. Responding aloud to my exuberant ds in a more
positive way might be something to embrace. I will try to remember
that. Thanks! Laurie
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>really care what others think but even I sometimes want to prove my
> Hi Laurie,
> I understand how you feel. I am the kind of person that does not
way is the right way. You know what ? You cannot! You cannot change
eoples mind if they are not open to it..........(snip - am I doing
this right...the snip bit)
> You have to believe, deep down , that what you are doing is rightfor your family.> Radical Unschooling is not about the outcome but
the journey.> You really have to be in your kids side. If they are
jumping around, being loud in your home and just being kids and you
are trying to make them be who they are not in front of other people
will just make those people feel you are not very comfortable with
your kids being that way and you also must not approve or you would
not be responding to them that way.> Trying too find a way to not
set your kids up to failure is great ( like Pam said).> But just
accept that no matter what you parents will see your kids they way
THEY choose to see it. No matter what you do. Help them see the good
side of being a kid . Help them see your kids liek you trully do.
> IF your kids are jumping on top of the couch and they arenormally allowed to ( mine are- I have an older couch)and you say:
> " Kids Could you all please stop jumping on the couch" IT wouldseem to your parents that they are being wild even for you.
> If you say:> " Hey guys you are all sooo excited about Grandma andGrandpa being here. " Turn to them and say;" Isn't it wonderful to
have such energy, joy and be healthy ! Kids are so much fun"and look
at your kids with pride.> That will look like a mom that is proud of
her kids and comfortable about them being kids.> > Got to go. Ds
wants me. Hope I was clear.> Alex
>think of our parenting/lifestyle
>
> ----- Original Message ----
> From: Laurie Wolfrum <alohabun@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Sunday, December 2, 2007 3:37:01 PM
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: How can I let go of what guests
>
> Thanks for responding.. .but here are more thoughts.
> Pam said, "Don't GO to restaurants with her
> anymore....Going to a restaurant with grandma might be
> reserved for a time when only one child goes ...."
> ---If one child went, the others would want to go too.
> (We don't eat out that often and they all would be so
> excited to go.)
> ---As far as getting together at the park where they
> could be rambunctious, that sounds great, but our
> family is visiting from another state (and staying
> with us) and we live in Maine (brrrrr!) and lately it
> is too cold for parks. With some of my relatives we
> can go ice skating together or to the YMCA playgym,
> but it is those at home times when the kids get all
> riled up. We've been having lots of home time lately.
>
> --The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
> ---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
> feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
> to model being respectful of kids and questioning
> assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
> doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
> good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
> old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
> spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
> and everyone else's.
>
> Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
> your own kids are used to doing things their way,
> don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
> else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
> kids coming off looking bad."
>
> -- But I can't change the way people "see" my
> children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
> them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
> who thinks they should be quieter and have more
> patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
> ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
> down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
> But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
> Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
> me and my parenting choices.
> Laurie
>
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
> Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.
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>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Pamela Sorooshian
You can't imagine how very sweet it'll be later, though, when your
kids are generous and thoughtful young adults and all those people who
"tut-tutted" before are just full of, "What a NICE young person he/she
is."
The unschooled teens and young adults are just awesome. They
absolutely give the lie to any idea that teen years are "naturally"
filled with rebellion and anti-social behaviors. And, I've seen it
with my own eyes and experienced it in my own kids - this applies EVEN
to those who had lots of difficulties when they were younger.
-pam
kids are generous and thoughtful young adults and all those people who
"tut-tutted" before are just full of, "What a NICE young person he/she
is."
The unschooled teens and young adults are just awesome. They
absolutely give the lie to any idea that teen years are "naturally"
filled with rebellion and anti-social behaviors. And, I've seen it
with my own eyes and experienced it in my own kids - this applies EVEN
to those who had lots of difficulties when they were younger.
-pam
On Dec 2, 2007, at 2:24 PM, alohabun wrote:
> > I'm wondering if you were hoping we could give you ideas for ways to
> change your visitors, to convince THEM to see things differently?
> Magic words that would get them to see your children the way you see
> them?
>
> Yes, I guess I would love for those magic words. But I know that is
> not possible. Maybe that is what makes parents so special...how much
> good we can see in our children and the trust that we have in them and
> their processes. Thanks. Laurie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ENSEMBLE S-WAYNFORTH
Honestly there isn't a lot you can do, except wait for your children to age. With young children, however they are parented, there are always going to be moments when their needs sweep away their good moods. And people who aren't used to being around young children will have a hard time with the noise, the activity, the seeming chaos. My step-father has a really hard time when we come to visit. He has ascribed malicious intent to Simon picking a plant to use as a sword. He felt like Simon was attacking him through his garden. I think he must have been really stressed out by us visiting. What helps is for us to get out as much as possible. When they come to visit us we try and schedule as many cool activities as we can. Go to museums or to the zoo or local botanic gardens or parks or to the movies or the beach or whatever cool local thing you can do. And if the kids aren't up to it, try and get your family out doing something without you. Get a heap of
brochures from places and put them on the dresser in their bedroom just like in a hotel so they can decide where they'd like to go. Try and be with your kids as much as possible. It is easy to get swept up in the joys of conversing with family so much that you don't sit down and build with lego or hama beads or color or whatever it is that you would normally be doing with your kiddos. See if you can come up with games that more people can play. My dad and Simon will play yu-gi-oh together whenever we are with them. My dad makes a point of buying cards for Simon, he loves that connection so. Or get videos that people will enjoy.
You are going to have to remember that people aren't always used to a house filled with children and children's noises. I have a hard time when we go to my in-laws. Their house is so quiet and so regimented, there is a whole room that we aren't allowed to go into. I get so tense with the knowledge that we are somehow disturbing their lives, that we are making them more tense than they already are, that I end up losing my temper at some point during the visit. It isn't a good approach at all. I need to be better at relaxing into the environment, and making sure that there are fun things that we can do. As Simon and Linnaea get older they get better at engaging with their grandparents in less rambunctious ways, better able to talk with them. Depending on David's parent's mood, they quite like Simon and Linnaea. If they are feeling tense or anxious about things, they have a hard time enjoying anything. And sometimes just having guests is enough to make them
tense and anxious.
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
==============================
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way,
don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
kids coming off looking bad."
-- But I can't change the way people "see" my
children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
who thinks they should be quieter and have more
patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
me and my parenting choices.
Laurie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
brochures from places and put them on the dresser in their bedroom just like in a hotel so they can decide where they'd like to go. Try and be with your kids as much as possible. It is easy to get swept up in the joys of conversing with family so much that you don't sit down and build with lego or hama beads or color or whatever it is that you would normally be doing with your kiddos. See if you can come up with games that more people can play. My dad and Simon will play yu-gi-oh together whenever we are with them. My dad makes a point of buying cards for Simon, he loves that connection so. Or get videos that people will enjoy.
You are going to have to remember that people aren't always used to a house filled with children and children's noises. I have a hard time when we go to my in-laws. Their house is so quiet and so regimented, there is a whole room that we aren't allowed to go into. I get so tense with the knowledge that we are somehow disturbing their lives, that we are making them more tense than they already are, that I end up losing my temper at some point during the visit. It isn't a good approach at all. I need to be better at relaxing into the environment, and making sure that there are fun things that we can do. As Simon and Linnaea get older they get better at engaging with their grandparents in less rambunctious ways, better able to talk with them. Depending on David's parent's mood, they quite like Simon and Linnaea. If they are feeling tense or anxious about things, they have a hard time enjoying anything. And sometimes just having guests is enough to make them
tense and anxious.
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
==============================
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
Pam said, "If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way,
don't expect the kids to behave according to someone
else's expectations. That's kind of a set up for the
kids coming off looking bad."
-- But I can't change the way people "see" my
children's behavior. I can't affect how they view
them...the kids will come off looking bad to someone
who thinks they should be quieter and have more
patience. (specifically I am speaking of my 6 yr old
ds) "I" know that he will likely be able to do that
down the road and "I" accept him for who he is now.
But I hate how I think "my parents" see him and me.
Again, I guess I am concerned at how others perceive
me and my parenting choices.
Laurie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia Toyama
You said," But I can't change the way people 'see' my children's behavior," and you're right. When I start worrying about what people are thinking of me, my parenting, and my kids, I take a deep breath and remind myself that even though these people may disagree with my parenting, it doesn't make them right. I made an informed decision about how I want to parent my kids after doing a ton of research. My mother's/sister' s/aunt's disapproval doesn't change that.
****
What you can change is the way you see/think about your relatives' behavior towards you. You can embrace your own choices and see that your relatives don't get to tell you how to parent your kids. Their opinion is only that, and if they can discount your opinion then you can discount theirs. <g>
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
****
What you can change is the way you see/think about your relatives' behavior towards you. You can embrace your own choices and see that your relatives don't get to tell you how to parent your kids. Their opinion is only that, and if they can discount your opinion then you can discount theirs. <g>
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia Toyama
Yes, I guess I would love for those magic words. But I know that is
not possible. Maybe that is what makes parents so special...how much
good we can see in our children and the trust that we have in them and
their processes. Thanks. Laurie
****
And so it would seem reasonable that your parents could have the same capacity to trust n you, as their child?
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Be a better pen pal. Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
not possible. Maybe that is what makes parents so special...how much
good we can see in our children and the trust that we have in them and
their processes. Thanks. Laurie
****
And so it would seem reasonable that your parents could have the same capacity to trust n you, as their child?
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Be a better pen pal. Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen Buxcel
On Dec 3, 2007 7:18 AM, Sylvia Toyama <sylgt04@...> wrote:
*wish* as their child. That they trust me, and know that I would always do
what's best for my children, even though it might look nothing like what
they would do. This is why it's crucial that we trust in our children,
today, so that all of these things don't become an issue when theyr'e all
grown up, with children of their own. It'll be easy to continue trusting
them, because we've seen the incredible, competent people emerging their
whole lives. Because we've *chosen* to see it, instead of meddle in every
little decision they make, starting with, "you have to have a coat on, it's
cold out", all the way to, "you should do xyz with your children".
Hope that wasn't too confusing, trying to think, type, and balance a nursing
3yo on my lap all at once.
Much love,
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> And so it would seem reasonable that your parents could have the sameThis is what it really comes down to, a lot, with me. This is my only
> capacity to trust n you, as their child?
>
>
*wish* as their child. That they trust me, and know that I would always do
what's best for my children, even though it might look nothing like what
they would do. This is why it's crucial that we trust in our children,
today, so that all of these things don't become an issue when theyr'e all
grown up, with children of their own. It'll be easy to continue trusting
them, because we've seen the incredible, competent people emerging their
whole lives. Because we've *chosen* to see it, instead of meddle in every
little decision they make, starting with, "you have to have a coat on, it's
cold out", all the way to, "you should do xyz with your children".
Hope that wasn't too confusing, trying to think, type, and balance a nursing
3yo on my lap all at once.
Much love,
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Krisula
--The kids ages are 2, 6 and 10.
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
I've had this problem too and one of the things that helped was realizing
that I was behaving differently when there were guests (or when we were
guests) and my kids, especially my 7yo, were getting stressed out by *my*
behavior changes. Trying to please others and putting my own (and most
importantly my childrens') needs off just a little would cause stress for
her and she just would not be at ease. Once I realized I was doing this I
decided to plan extra time and energy to be nice and accommodating to my
little one early on in the visit. I planned more rather than less time for
her to go to the park and play or to snuggle with me in the bed. Usually
these little things would be forgotten in the hubbub of a visit but this
time I planned for her to burn off energy and have fun. It worked so well I
can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.
Also an unexpected benefit of getting her out and scheduling in her
important stuff was that her grandparents and aunts and uncles saw her going
out and doing her thing and it really helped them regard her as an
individual ifykwim instead of just noticing her when she was having a melt
down.
Krisula
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---I guess this is really all about me...I want to
feel like others think I am a good parent. And I want
to model being respectful of kids and questioning
assumptions based on our culture because I believe in
doing that. But when it looks like my way is not very
good I feel disheartened. Did I mention that my 6yr
old is very needy ...maybe what people would call
spirited. It is quite a challenge to meet his needs
and everyone else's.
I've had this problem too and one of the things that helped was realizing
that I was behaving differently when there were guests (or when we were
guests) and my kids, especially my 7yo, were getting stressed out by *my*
behavior changes. Trying to please others and putting my own (and most
importantly my childrens') needs off just a little would cause stress for
her and she just would not be at ease. Once I realized I was doing this I
decided to plan extra time and energy to be nice and accommodating to my
little one early on in the visit. I planned more rather than less time for
her to go to the park and play or to snuggle with me in the bed. Usually
these little things would be forgotten in the hubbub of a visit but this
time I planned for her to burn off energy and have fun. It worked so well I
can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.
Also an unexpected benefit of getting her out and scheduling in her
important stuff was that her grandparents and aunts and uncles saw her going
out and doing her thing and it really helped them regard her as an
individual ifykwim instead of just noticing her when she was having a melt
down.
Krisula
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Wendy McDonald
This reminds me of something I read in a self-help book quite some
time ago. I don't remember the title, or anything else, but what
stuck with me is a section on dealing with parents who don't seem to
trust their grown children. One suggestion was to ask your mom/dad if
they trust you to make sound decisions, and to step them through the
logic that if they trust you to do so, then it's time to step back and
stop saying/doing things that indicate otherwise. (And if they
respond that they *don't* trust you to do so, then what does that say
about their opinion of themselves as parents?) Looking at my mom's
tendency to second-guess me as an indication of her insecurity instead
of a reflection of myself has helped me brush things aside more easily.
Wendy
--- In [email protected], "Karen Buxcel"
<thewildtribe@...> wrote:
time ago. I don't remember the title, or anything else, but what
stuck with me is a section on dealing with parents who don't seem to
trust their grown children. One suggestion was to ask your mom/dad if
they trust you to make sound decisions, and to step them through the
logic that if they trust you to do so, then it's time to step back and
stop saying/doing things that indicate otherwise. (And if they
respond that they *don't* trust you to do so, then what does that say
about their opinion of themselves as parents?) Looking at my mom's
tendency to second-guess me as an indication of her insecurity instead
of a reflection of myself has helped me brush things aside more easily.
Wendy
--- In [email protected], "Karen Buxcel"
<thewildtribe@...> wrote:
>always do
> On Dec 3, 2007 7:18 AM, Sylvia Toyama <sylgt04@...> wrote:
>
> > And so it would seem reasonable that your parents could have the same
> > capacity to trust n you, as their child?
> >
>
>
> This is what it really comes down to, a lot, with me. This is my only
> *wish* as their child. That they trust me, and know that I would
> what's best for my children, even though it might look nothing like whattheyr'e all
> they would do. This is why it's crucial that we trust in our children,
> today, so that all of these things don't become an issue when
> grown up, with children of their own. It'll be easy to continuetrusting
> them, because we've seen the incredible, competent people emerging theirevery
> whole lives. Because we've *chosen* to see it, instead of meddle in
> little decision they make, starting with, "you have to have a coaton, it's
> cold out", all the way to, "you should do xyz with your children".nursing
>
> Hope that wasn't too confusing, trying to think, type, and balance a
> 3yo on my lap all at once.
>
> Much love,
> Karen
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
hbmccarty
I am catching up on some list reading, and just wanted to say here
though I haven't read the entire thread yet, that this exact thing has
happened for us. My grandmother, who had a really difficult time
especially understanding my son's temperament and behavior and our
parenting when he was young, has said to me on several occasions more
recently that she thinks my husband and I are great parents, and that he
has "turned out" very well. (He is 14 now.) I am impressed actually by
how well HE tolerates HER- she has the knack of asking uncomfortable
questions.
Heather McCarty
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
though I haven't read the entire thread yet, that this exact thing has
happened for us. My grandmother, who had a really difficult time
especially understanding my son's temperament and behavior and our
parenting when he was young, has said to me on several occasions more
recently that she thinks my husband and I are great parents, and that he
has "turned out" very well. (He is 14 now.) I am impressed actually by
how well HE tolerates HER- she has the knack of asking uncomfortable
questions.
Heather McCarty
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
>
> You can't imagine how very sweet it'll be later, though, when your
> kids are generous and thoughtful young adults and all those people who
> "tut-tutted" before are just full of, "What a NICE young person he/she
> is."
>
> The unschooled teens and young adults are just awesome. They
> absolutely give the lie to any idea that teen years are "naturally"
> filled with rebellion and anti-social behaviors. And, I've seen it
> with my own eyes and experienced it in my own kids - this applies EVEN
> to those who had lots of difficulties when they were younger.
>
> -pam
>