How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle?
Laurie Wolfrum
"It helps that I can honestly say I've never punished,
restricted, grounded, or taken anything away, nor
anything else like that, and yet my kid is right there
in front of them- well-behaved, sweet, popular, happy,
and very clearly enjoying a super good relationship
with her mom and dad. So - I have credibility and.."
Pam mentioned the above in a recent post. I love that
people can witness the fruits of their labor...how
things turned out alright with the type of
interactions/way you lived with your family. However,
how do you handle it when you do try to live a
somewhat ru lifestyle and guests visit and there are
difficult times? There seemed to be no "proof" of my
dear children getting along and feeling happy, etc. -
at least for some of the visit.
For example, we had some relatives visit recently
(first my dad only, then my dad and step-mother who
happens to be a teacher, then they left and my mother
and brother came). The kids were not always
"well-behaved" ....my son lost it when my dad was here
(a complete meltdown), my older two fought and my
younger two were very loud at times. I honestly don't
hear my kids being excessively loud, but it seems that
it bothers our guests. When we went out to eat..and
even at home, my mother kept trying to make them talk
in their "little" voices as I guess she needed more
quiet. (Truly I didn't think they were disruptive in
the restaurant or I would have explained/talked to
them. And at home they are just excited and being
kids.)
And my father totally thinks my son should behave."
They both would raise the kids totally differently.
My father I think thinks rules and consequences and
being tough on kids make them become fit to live in
our world where not everyone is nice. I think
sometimes that my mom focuses on what other people
think so much that she forgets who and what are really
important (ie. worries about appearances, cultural
expectations....wanted child to let someone cut up his
pancakes when child wanted to use fork w/o cutting
it.....wanted child to just sit where told and seemed
almost embarrassed at the amount of negotiating about
seats).
I guess I sometimes would like to "prove" it to them
that the way we are trying to parent is beneficial for
our family. I find the ru lifestyle is being
respectful, treating each person regardless of age as
partners, negotiating to find a win/win solution, and
accepting of children being children (or people being
who they are).
I am sure my mother and father and step-mother do not
necessarily agree with how I raise/live with my kids
because I don't "make" them quiet and compliant. My
kids are loud (ages 2, 6, and 10) and my older two
seem to keep fighting with each other. Anyway, I know
that the way I choose to parent/live is far different
from the way my father would. However, I feel sad
that we went through a couple of hard times with my
son while he was here. That is because I wish he
could see the wonderful things about our kids and I
guess I wish he would be proud of me for being patient
or respectful or really caring to treat everyone fair
and as important as I would wish them to treat me.
But he is seeing some of the hard times we go through.
And I am thinking (and caring...know I need to let go
of this!) about how he perceives me and my parenting.
How do I let go of this? Just know that I am doing
what I feel is in the best interest of our family and
that not everyone will agree or trust the approach to
life we take? Laurie
____________________________________________________________________________________
Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.
Make Yahoo! your homepage.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
restricted, grounded, or taken anything away, nor
anything else like that, and yet my kid is right there
in front of them- well-behaved, sweet, popular, happy,
and very clearly enjoying a super good relationship
with her mom and dad. So - I have credibility and.."
Pam mentioned the above in a recent post. I love that
people can witness the fruits of their labor...how
things turned out alright with the type of
interactions/way you lived with your family. However,
how do you handle it when you do try to live a
somewhat ru lifestyle and guests visit and there are
difficult times? There seemed to be no "proof" of my
dear children getting along and feeling happy, etc. -
at least for some of the visit.
For example, we had some relatives visit recently
(first my dad only, then my dad and step-mother who
happens to be a teacher, then they left and my mother
and brother came). The kids were not always
"well-behaved" ....my son lost it when my dad was here
(a complete meltdown), my older two fought and my
younger two were very loud at times. I honestly don't
hear my kids being excessively loud, but it seems that
it bothers our guests. When we went out to eat..and
even at home, my mother kept trying to make them talk
in their "little" voices as I guess she needed more
quiet. (Truly I didn't think they were disruptive in
the restaurant or I would have explained/talked to
them. And at home they are just excited and being
kids.)
And my father totally thinks my son should behave."
They both would raise the kids totally differently.
My father I think thinks rules and consequences and
being tough on kids make them become fit to live in
our world where not everyone is nice. I think
sometimes that my mom focuses on what other people
think so much that she forgets who and what are really
important (ie. worries about appearances, cultural
expectations....wanted child to let someone cut up his
pancakes when child wanted to use fork w/o cutting
it.....wanted child to just sit where told and seemed
almost embarrassed at the amount of negotiating about
seats).
I guess I sometimes would like to "prove" it to them
that the way we are trying to parent is beneficial for
our family. I find the ru lifestyle is being
respectful, treating each person regardless of age as
partners, negotiating to find a win/win solution, and
accepting of children being children (or people being
who they are).
I am sure my mother and father and step-mother do not
necessarily agree with how I raise/live with my kids
because I don't "make" them quiet and compliant. My
kids are loud (ages 2, 6, and 10) and my older two
seem to keep fighting with each other. Anyway, I know
that the way I choose to parent/live is far different
from the way my father would. However, I feel sad
that we went through a couple of hard times with my
son while he was here. That is because I wish he
could see the wonderful things about our kids and I
guess I wish he would be proud of me for being patient
or respectful or really caring to treat everyone fair
and as important as I would wish them to treat me.
But he is seeing some of the hard times we go through.
And I am thinking (and caring...know I need to let go
of this!) about how he perceives me and my parenting.
How do I let go of this? Just know that I am doing
what I feel is in the best interest of our family and
that not everyone will agree or trust the approach to
life we take? Laurie
____________________________________________________________________________________
Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.
Make Yahoo! your homepage.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
Pamela Sorooshian
You didn't say how old they are, but the answer is that you set things
up to make it work. So, now you know that their voices seem loud to
your mother, in a restaurant. Don't GO to restaurants with her
anymore. You control the environment to make it possible for your kids
to be as successful as they can be. Going to a restaurant with grandma
might be reserved for a time when only one child goes and it is a time
to get dressed up and practice more formal manners.
If your kids are rambunctious types, plan to meet relatives at a park,
have a picnic. The kids can run around and be wild, it will be
considered appropriate. When they run over and interact with the
adults, they'll just have to do that for a few minutes and can then
run back and play more. If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way, don't expect the
kids to behave according to someone else's expectations. That's kind
of a set up for the kids coming off looking bad.
My kids are 16, 20, and 23, in case I hadn't mentioned that.
-pam
up to make it work. So, now you know that their voices seem loud to
your mother, in a restaurant. Don't GO to restaurants with her
anymore. You control the environment to make it possible for your kids
to be as successful as they can be. Going to a restaurant with grandma
might be reserved for a time when only one child goes and it is a time
to get dressed up and practice more formal manners.
If your kids are rambunctious types, plan to meet relatives at a park,
have a picnic. The kids can run around and be wild, it will be
considered appropriate. When they run over and interact with the
adults, they'll just have to do that for a few minutes and can then
run back and play more. If you have them in your living room where
your own kids are used to doing things their way, don't expect the
kids to behave according to someone else's expectations. That's kind
of a set up for the kids coming off looking bad.
My kids are 16, 20, and 23, in case I hadn't mentioned that.
-pam
On Dec 1, 2007, at 4:52 PM, Laurie Wolfrum wrote:
> Pam mentioned the above in a recent post. I love that
> people can witness the fruits of their labor...how
> things turned out alright with the type of
> interactions/way you lived with your family. However,
> how do you handle it when you do try to live a
> somewhat ru lifestyle and guests visit and there are
> difficult times? There seemed to be no "proof" of my
> dear children getting along and feeling happy, etc. -
> at least for some of the visit.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Diana Knight
I loved hearing what you had to say Laurie. I'm new to this group, but I get the same reaction from my parents (especially father). I don't agree with past or even current social expectations. I believe kids should enjoy being kids. In fact, I think most adults could stand to live a little more free from the social constraints and enjoy life. What are we here for? Is it to please the restrictive ideas of others? Not in my book. We are here to enjoy the life we've been given, and to honor those we have opportunity to love and enjoy along the way. (Don't misunderstand me - I do not believe in hurting others by using them to get what I want. I believe in honoring others so much that I wouldn't dare mistreat them.) Usually when we're over-concerned about social constraints, we are merely concerned about what others think about us. What a waste of time! This is coming from a reformed people-pleaser, who was a member of all honor rolls, Who's Who both in high school and college, and who gained more honors than she sought. It doesn't amount to a "hill of beans" if you don't have someone to share life with. I was always afraid to "rock the boat," but I hope before I die to rock a lot of boats!!!
Thanks for sharing! I really love hearing what all unschoolers say. I guess I'm an unschooler at heart and am just learning what that means.
Diana Knight
Thanks for sharing! I really love hearing what all unschoolers say. I guess I'm an unschooler at heart and am just learning what that means.
Diana Knight
----- Original Message -----
From: Laurie Wolfrum
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2007 4:52 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] How can I let go of what guests think of our parenting/lifestyle?
"It helps that I can honestly say I've never punished,
restricted, grounded, or taken anything away, nor
anything else like that, and yet my kid is right there
in front of them- well-behaved, sweet, popular, happy,
and very clearly enjoying a super good relationship
with her mom and dad. So - I have credibility and.."
Pam mentioned the above in a recent post. I love that
people can witness the fruits of their labor...how
things turned out alright with the type of
interactions/way you lived with your family. However,
how do you handle it when you do try to live a
somewhat ru lifestyle and guests visit and there are
difficult times? There seemed to be no "proof" of my
dear children getting along and feeling happy, etc. -
at least for some of the visit.
For example, we had some relatives visit recently
(first my dad only, then my dad and step-mother who
happens to be a teacher, then they left and my mother
and brother came). The kids were not always
"well-behaved" ....my son lost it when my dad was here
(a complete meltdown), my older two fought and my
younger two were very loud at times. I honestly don't
hear my kids being excessively loud, but it seems that
it bothers our guests. When we went out to eat..and
even at home, my mother kept trying to make them talk
in their "little" voices as I guess she needed more
quiet. (Truly I didn't think they were disruptive in
the restaurant or I would have explained/talked to
them. And at home they are just excited and being
kids.)
And my father totally thinks my son should behave."
They both would raise the kids totally differently.
My father I think thinks rules and consequences and
being tough on kids make them become fit to live in
our world where not everyone is nice. I think
sometimes that my mom focuses on what other people
think so much that she forgets who and what are really
important (ie. worries about appearances, cultural
expectations....wanted child to let someone cut up his
pancakes when child wanted to use fork w/o cutting
it.....wanted child to just sit where told and seemed
almost embarrassed at the amount of negotiating about
seats).
I guess I sometimes would like to "prove" it to them
that the way we are trying to parent is beneficial for
our family. I find the ru lifestyle is being
respectful, treating each person regardless of age as
partners, negotiating to find a win/win solution, and
accepting of children being children (or people being
who they are).
I am sure my mother and father and step-mother do not
necessarily agree with how I raise/live with my kids
because I don't "make" them quiet and compliant. My
kids are loud (ages 2, 6, and 10) and my older two
seem to keep fighting with each other. Anyway, I know
that the way I choose to parent/live is far different
from the way my father would. However, I feel sad
that we went through a couple of hard times with my
son while he was here. That is because I wish he
could see the wonderful things about our kids and I
guess I wish he would be proud of me for being patient
or respectful or really caring to treat everyone fair
and as important as I would wish them to treat me.
But he is seeing some of the hard times we go through.
And I am thinking (and caring...know I need to let go
of this!) about how he perceives me and my parenting.
How do I let go of this? Just know that I am doing
what I feel is in the best interest of our family and
that not everyone will agree or trust the approach to
life we take? Laurie
__________________________________________________________
Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.
Make Yahoo! your homepage.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen Buxcel
Hi Laurie,
You're kids are young! (2,6,and 10, Joyce). So are mine. And they are
noisy and rambunctious! And they don't like to have their hair brushed, and
they don't care what they're clothes look like. Ahhh, what FREEDOM!
I notice that when people come to our home, if I am tense, and thinking "oh,
I wish they would just be a little quieter" they must read me like a book,
because it's in those moments when they Go Wild. And it always seems
to happen with the same particular visitor (who is my uncle, and who was
*very* strict with his children, now grown. I remember fearing him as a
child.)
But, this *is* our home, the home of my children, and they are Free to
behave in any way they need to in that moment. I know they feel exactly
what I'm feeling. Like someone is watching them through the lens of "what
wild kids, they need a good spanking". And so they are just rising up to
meet his expectation. Good thing I can just laugh it off. I guess it's a
bit like "sticking it to the man".
If you know you are having visitors, would they settle in for a movie? Or
some cartoons? Mine will usually chill with those if I really need 5
minutes to speak with a guest, etc. But I don't expect them to sit for the
whole thing if they aren't up for it. They're usually excited to have a
visitor, so want some interaction with them, even if it is just building a
giant floor structure on the floor out of couch pillows and then jumping on
it, wanting the visitor to watch them. (yeah, wild boys!)
Just stand assured in your choice, and stay on the path. It's in the moment
we feel judged and criticized that we start doing the same to ourselves.
Step back, re-affirm the Gift you are giving your children, and understand
that we can't be resonsible for *everyone's* feelings, just our own.
They're stuff is they're stuff. Don't let it have free rent in your head.
Hand it on over to them, wipe your hands clean, then go jump on that big ol'
pillow fort!
All good things,
Karen
http://www.thewildtribe.blogspot.com
--
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know
peace."
Jimi Hendrix
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You're kids are young! (2,6,and 10, Joyce). So are mine. And they are
noisy and rambunctious! And they don't like to have their hair brushed, and
they don't care what they're clothes look like. Ahhh, what FREEDOM!
I notice that when people come to our home, if I am tense, and thinking "oh,
I wish they would just be a little quieter" they must read me like a book,
because it's in those moments when they Go Wild. And it always seems
to happen with the same particular visitor (who is my uncle, and who was
*very* strict with his children, now grown. I remember fearing him as a
child.)
But, this *is* our home, the home of my children, and they are Free to
behave in any way they need to in that moment. I know they feel exactly
what I'm feeling. Like someone is watching them through the lens of "what
wild kids, they need a good spanking". And so they are just rising up to
meet his expectation. Good thing I can just laugh it off. I guess it's a
bit like "sticking it to the man".
If you know you are having visitors, would they settle in for a movie? Or
some cartoons? Mine will usually chill with those if I really need 5
minutes to speak with a guest, etc. But I don't expect them to sit for the
whole thing if they aren't up for it. They're usually excited to have a
visitor, so want some interaction with them, even if it is just building a
giant floor structure on the floor out of couch pillows and then jumping on
it, wanting the visitor to watch them. (yeah, wild boys!)
Just stand assured in your choice, and stay on the path. It's in the moment
we feel judged and criticized that we start doing the same to ourselves.
Step back, re-affirm the Gift you are giving your children, and understand
that we can't be resonsible for *everyone's* feelings, just our own.
They're stuff is they're stuff. Don't let it have free rent in your head.
Hand it on over to them, wipe your hands clean, then go jump on that big ol'
pillow fort!
All good things,
Karen
http://www.thewildtribe.blogspot.com
--
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know
peace."
Jimi Hendrix
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sheila Trask
It's that time of year, isn't it -- unsolicited advice!
I don't know what came over me, but recently we were at a big family
gathering and a great-aunt who has taught junior high in a private
Catholic school for decades swooped in for "the kill" at dinner ...
"Do you use a curriculum?" she pointedly asked.
I just smiled and said "no."
For some reason I was just peaceful about it, and it was true, and my
son is obviously thriving, so what could she say?
(Actually, she was moved to inform me that all homeschoolers who come
to her school in 7th grade have "atrocious" handwriting. I just smiled
at my son and said, "Our favorite subject, right?" NOT!)
How did she think saying that would be helpful in any way? Why say it?
You can tell that last comment did get to me a bit, but overall, not
being defensive about it largely made the issue go away and we were
onto another topic.
I don't know what came over me, but recently we were at a big family
gathering and a great-aunt who has taught junior high in a private
Catholic school for decades swooped in for "the kill" at dinner ...
"Do you use a curriculum?" she pointedly asked.
I just smiled and said "no."
For some reason I was just peaceful about it, and it was true, and my
son is obviously thriving, so what could she say?
(Actually, she was moved to inform me that all homeschoolers who come
to her school in 7th grade have "atrocious" handwriting. I just smiled
at my son and said, "Our favorite subject, right?" NOT!)
How did she think saying that would be helpful in any way? Why say it?
You can tell that last comment did get to me a bit, but overall, not
being defensive about it largely made the issue go away and we were
onto another topic.
alohabun
Thanks Karen. I know it IS our home. Guess I do worry too much about
what they think. Maybe what I really wish is to stop worrying about
what others think. Maybe I need to learn to trust myself...hey, I can
trust the kids, so why can't I trust myself! Not to say I have
everything all figured out, but I need to stop over-questioning.
Thanks, Laurie
what they think. Maybe what I really wish is to stop worrying about
what others think. Maybe I need to learn to trust myself...hey, I can
trust the kids, so why can't I trust myself! Not to say I have
everything all figured out, but I need to stop over-questioning.
Thanks, Laurie
alohabun
> (Actually, she was moved to inform me that all homeschoolers who comesmiled> at my son and said, "Our favorite subject, right?" NOT!)
> to her school in 7th grade have "atrocious" handwriting. I just
How did she think saying that would be helpful in any way? Why say it?
I agree! A month ago my 10 yr old dd filled out a form to sign up for
basketball. A day or so later the guy who rec'd the form saw us at a
soccer game and commented to me out of the blue that her form was not
very legible and he fixed it up. You might think that he fixed it
from the goodness of his heart, but his tone was disapproving and
shaming. I mean, I agree, why bother to say something not helpful? I
asked her to fill it out because I knew I had my hands full with the
other two kids, esp the overtired two yr old. And it was a real life
experience...one reason why we homeschool. Laurie
T.J. Shuflin
--- In [email protected], Laurie Wolfrum
<alohabun@...> wrote:
for the GRANDPARENTS of RU children. It's at:
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GrandLEAP/>
Please mention it to them. Let them know that we discuss quite a few
different issues.
Everyone - if you have grandparents of RU children, please mention
this Yahoo Group to them, if they are inclined to participate in such
groups.
T.J.
<alohabun@...> wrote:
>Laurie, if your parents would be interested, there is a Yahoo Group
>
> I guess I sometimes would like to "prove" it to them
> that the way we are trying to parent is beneficial for
> our family. I find the ru lifestyle is being
> respectful, treating each person regardless of age as
> partners, negotiating to find a win/win solution, and
> accepting of children being children (or people being
> who they are).
>
> I am sure my mother and father and step-mother do not
> necessarily agree with how I raise/live with my kids
> because I don't "make" them quiet and compliant.
for the GRANDPARENTS of RU children. It's at:
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GrandLEAP/>
Please mention it to them. Let them know that we discuss quite a few
different issues.
Everyone - if you have grandparents of RU children, please mention
this Yahoo Group to them, if they are inclined to participate in such
groups.
T.J.
Pamela Sorooshian
I think you need to develop a little thicker skin and some preplanned
comebacks.
My first thought on reading this was that you'd respond, "So, yeah,
based on her handwriting and her smarts, we're predicting great
success as a medical doctor!" <G>
-pam
comebacks.
My first thought on reading this was that you'd respond, "So, yeah,
based on her handwriting and her smarts, we're predicting great
success as a medical doctor!" <G>
-pam
On Dec 2, 2007, at 2:17 PM, alohabun wrote:
> A day or so later the guy who rec'd the form saw us at a
> soccer game and commented to me out of the blue that her form was not
> very legible and he fixed it up. You might think that he fixed it
> from the goodness of his heart, but his tone was disapproving and
> shaming. I mean, I agree, why bother to say something not helpful?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jana Smith
I've forwarded that to my parents. Thanks! My mother has always been supportive of my homeschooling but UNschooling has definitely been a switch for her. Thanks again for the link. Jana
"T.J. Shuflin" <tjcajun23@...> wrote: --- In [email protected], Laurie Wolfrum
<alohabun@...> wrote:
for the GRANDPARENTS of RU children. It's at:
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GrandLEAP/>
Please mention it to them. Let them know that we discuss quite a few
different issues.
Everyone - if you have grandparents of RU children, please mention
this Yahoo Group to them, if they are inclined to participate in such
groups.
T.J.
---------------------------------
Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"T.J. Shuflin" <tjcajun23@...> wrote: --- In [email protected], Laurie Wolfrum
<alohabun@...> wrote:
>Laurie, if your parents would be interested, there is a Yahoo Group
>
> I guess I sometimes would like to "prove" it to them
> that the way we are trying to parent is beneficial for
> our family. I find the ru lifestyle is being
> respectful, treating each person regardless of age as
> partners, negotiating to find a win/win solution, and
> accepting of children being children (or people being
> who they are).
>
> I am sure my mother and father and step-mother do not
> necessarily agree with how I raise/live with my kids
> because I don't "make" them quiet and compliant.
for the GRANDPARENTS of RU children. It's at:
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GrandLEAP/>
Please mention it to them. Let them know that we discuss quite a few
different issues.
Everyone - if you have grandparents of RU children, please mention
this Yahoo Group to them, if they are inclined to participate in such
groups.
T.J.
---------------------------------
Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Laurie Wolfrum <alohabun@...>
How do I let go of this? Just know that I am doing
what I feel is in the best interest of our family and
that not everyone will agree or trust the approach to
life we take? Laurie
-=-=-=-=-
We practically cut family out of lives for a while. The changes we were
going through were tough enough without having our choices slammed on a
regular basis.
We're slowly working on reconnecting with everyone. But now we have
"proof" that we weren't crazy. That the in-laws' kids have "issues" now
(academically & emotionally) doesn't hurt our case. <g>
Exuding confidence *will* make them back off. Being unsure of yourself
makes you an easy target. Confidence! Dismiss their objections---and
pass the bean dip.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://o.aolcdn.com/cdn.webmail.aol.com/mailtour/aol/en-us/text.htm?ncid=aolcmp00050000000003
From: Laurie Wolfrum <alohabun@...>
How do I let go of this? Just know that I am doing
what I feel is in the best interest of our family and
that not everyone will agree or trust the approach to
life we take? Laurie
-=-=-=-=-
We practically cut family out of lives for a while. The changes we were
going through were tough enough without having our choices slammed on a
regular basis.
We're slowly working on reconnecting with everyone. But now we have
"proof" that we weren't crazy. That the in-laws' kids have "issues" now
(academically & emotionally) doesn't hurt our case. <g>
Exuding confidence *will* make them back off. Being unsure of yourself
makes you an easy target. Confidence! Dismiss their objections---and
pass the bean dip.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://o.aolcdn.com/cdn.webmail.aol.com/mailtour/aol/en-us/text.htm?ncid=aolcmp00050000000003