Amanda Horein

*How do you meet the needs of 2 or more children when they want different
and often conflicting things? * For example, today dd (4) wanted me to sit
and watch a movie with her. DD (7) wanted me to make her some lunch. I did
end up doing both, but narrowly avoided a meltdown by dd (4) because her
attention was mainly with the movie. The meltdown came a few minutes later
when I brought the girls lunch. Apparently dd (4) didn't want mac and
cheese. In fact, she wasn't hungry. She was thirsty. I had brought her
water, but she wanted sprite. I felt that I handled that decently though.
I just turned around, went back to the kitchen, put the mac & cheese on the
counter and got the sprite. I do think that I could have done it with more
love though.

What do you all do to meet the needs of both or all children when many of
times things are conflicting?

--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/

Since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is
senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out
people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able to
learn whatever needs to be learned

� John Holt


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Adrean Clark

> I had brought her water, but she wanted sprite.

Sometimes when I make meals it can be a complex cooking and logistical
matter. So when I bring the food out and one of the boys want something
else, I say, well I worked hard to make this and it is "good" food. If
you want something else, you can make it yourself. Then I help them at
a minimum (by then my energy is low).

I think it's good to meet kids' needs but we all have limits in how much
energy we can spend. In a healthy relationship as others have said,
consensus can be met by talking things through. I think it's healthy to
let children know how you feel calmly and honestly, even when they're
stretching your patience.

But I please do let me know if my perspective's missing something :)

--Adrean

polykowholsteins

There is nothing wrong with talking to you kids about how you feel
unless you are trying to make them feel guilty.
Did they ask you to make those elaborated meals that take a toll on
you energy?
If no then I think that i making them feel guilty about YOUR choice
does not make your relashionship a better one.
You have to own you choice. If YOU choose to make those meals than
own it. See it as a gift to you and your kids. If they don't like it
or want something else instead I am sure you can all come up with
easy things that you , them or the two of you can make that is fast
and simple. Maybe a peannut butter and jelly, a pizza you can just
toss in and bake. Tons of options for the tired mom.
Make it joyfully!!
Alex



--- In [email protected], Adrean Clark <adrean@...>
wrote:
>
> > I had brought her water, but she wanted sprite.
>
> Sometimes when I make meals it can be a complex cooking and
logistical
> matter. So when I bring the food out and one of the boys want
something
> else, I say, well I worked hard to make this and it is "good"
food. If
> you want something else, you can make it yourself. Then I help
them at
> a minimum (by then my energy is low).
>
> I think it's good to meet kids' needs but we all have limits in how
much
> energy we can spend. In a healthy relationship as others have
said,
> consensus can be met by talking things through. I think it's
healthy to
> let children know how you feel calmly and honestly, even when
they're
> stretching your patience.
>
> But I please do let me know if my perspective's missing something :)
>
> --Adrean
>

guideforthree

--- In [email protected], "Amanda Horein" <horein@...>
wrote:
>
> What do you all do to meet the needs of both or all children when
many of
> times things are conflicting?
>

I had a similar experience yesterday... my 7yo ds wanted me to show
*him* how to work the microscope. My 10 yo wanted to learn how to use
the microscope also, and he didn't want to wait. We have a policy of
sharing is a choice, and the 7yo had the microscope first. Thus, I was
placed in a position where any choice (show both kids, or one at a time)
I made would be a bad one. At first I sided with the younger kid (he
did have the microscope first), but that caused the 10yo to
erupt..."it's not fair, I'm never helping you with the dishes again,
etc." I just walked out the front door and closed it behind me. I
felt like a trapped animal and had to escape.

After the two minutes it took for me to regain my freedom and clearity
of thought, I walked back in and explained that I would not be placed
in the middle of this. I didn't think that was fair to me. I
explained the options (one at a time or both together) and told them
they would have to come up with the solution. I walked out of the room
and started unloading the dishwasher. Less than two minutes later my
10yo (who was never going to help with the dishes again!) came in and
started helping with the dishes. He told me they decided to share the
microscope.

The lesson I learned: Do not take sides when two kids have conflicting
needs. Instead, explain the situation (no matter what I choose,
someone will get hurt). List the options. Tell them they need to come
to a decision and let me know what they decide. Leave the room (but
stay alert and available in case of bloodshed).

A lot of times when kids put you in a situation like this it just turns
into the "who does mommy love more?" game. And that's a game Mommy
just can't win. I don't like to play games I can't win.

Tina

guideforthree

Adrean,

I have to say, you need to lose the guilt trip.

I decided a long time ago I would not be a short order cook. With
five people there is bound to be someone who doesn't like what I fix
for dinner. I try to vary the menu enough that everyone feels like
he got something he wanted at least once a week. I even on occasion
fix something I don't like just because someone else does like it.
Everyone knows they can choose whether they eat what I fix -- no
guilt or strings attached. Not liking the food does not give them
liberty to hurt my feelings with rude comments. They simply get up
and fix something else.

Part of the issue with the food is not liking it. However, some of
the issue is power and control. You can very quickly get into a
power struggle over the dinner menu. I chose to opt for empowering
my children without giving them control over me. It is not enough to
allow them to fix something else to eat. You need to take the time
to teach them. You take them to the grocery store and give them the
power to make buying decisions. You give them a portion of the
grocery budget and let them make choices within those financial
constraints (with no guilt attached). You show them how to opperate
the kitchen appliances (a three year old can opperate a microwave
with supervision). You show them how to prepare simple items. You
keep ready to eat items (like Smuckers Uncrustables) stocked for the
little ones who don't have the motor skills to fix their own peanut
butter and jelly. You keep ready to microwave items (corndogs, bagel
bites, etc) in the freezer. In short, you give them the power to fix
what ever they want to eat with no strings and no guilt attached.
But you really have to be proactive - teach them how to do it
themselves before your energy and nerves are low.

And I did pick up on that dissappointment vibe. You spent all that
time and energy making that meal, and they don't appreciate it. You
need to find some other way to get your validation. If you cook
elaborate meals because it is something you enjoy and do for
yourself, then great. You should still enjoy it even if no one else
appreciates it (Think - yummy - more for me). Otherwise, you need to
opt for something a little less exhausting.

Tina

--- In [email protected], Adrean Clark <adrean@...>
wrote:
>
> > I had brought her water, but she wanted sprite.
>
> Sometimes when I make meals it can be a complex cooking and
logistical
> matter. So when I bring the food out and one of the boys want
something
> else, I say, well I worked hard to make this and it is "good"
food. If
> you want something else, you can make it yourself. Then I help
them at
> a minimum (by then my energy is low).
>
> I think it's good to meet kids' needs but we all have limits in how
much
> energy we can spend. In a healthy relationship as others have
said,
> consensus can be met by talking things through. I think it's
healthy to
> let children know how you feel calmly and honestly, even when
they're
> stretching your patience.
>
> But I please do let me know if my perspective's missing something :)
>
> --Adrean
>

Deb Lewis

***How do you meet the needs of 2 or more children when they want different
and often conflicting things? ***

Anytime people share the same close space there will be differences in what those people want or need. It's not exclusive to children. If you worked in a restaurant many customers would want different things. <g>
Adults have more experience in the world and can (usually) more easily accept when they don't get what they want because they know they can get it later. But kids don't have that certainty that a thing will be available to them at another time, so they might seem more urgent in their need and more disappointed if they don't get what they want.

"Conflict" conjures up some pretty negative stuff. It might help you to not see the different needs of your kids as "in conflict." The needs aren't fighting each other. The needs are needs.

*You* have the challenge of finding the best way to meet the needs of everyone, but that's not a problem with the kids, it's not their fault. They might need different things at the same time but that's not conflict, that's life. <g> Your kids will get better at waiting a few minutes, better at being patient. The more they see you trying to meet their needs even when they each need something different the more confident they will be that their needs will be met. It won't be as hard for them to wait a few minutes because they'll know, absolutely, that you will be there with what they need.

It sounds like you did well. Did you ask them what they wanted first? That's the only thing I can see that might have helped. And it might not have helped! When my kid was hungry he didn't want questions he wanted food!<g>

***I do think that I could have done it with more
love though.***

This made me smile. Some moms would be here grumping about their ungrateful kids and your worry was that you might have met your child's need with more love. I think you're doing fine! <g>
It helped me a lot to think about how I would have liked my mom to be with me when I was little. It helped me to be more patient with Dylan when I remembered how much I would have appreciated some loving patience from my mom. It's ok to use tricks to help yourself. Put a little note on your cupboard door, a favorite quote that inspires you - or imagine someone you respect and look up to is right there in the room watching how you are with your kids. Any little trick to help you stay calm and loving will help you. And before long you won't need the tricks.

***What do you all do to meet the needs of both or all children when many of
times things are conflicting?***

Try not to think of it as conflict. That might be enough to change the stress level in your head. Think of each need as a separate thing and do your best to meet each need. If you can be calm it might help your kids be calmer too. Time will help. They won't be little forever.

Deb Lewis

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Deb Lewis

***Sometimes when I make meals it can be a complex cooking and logistical
matter.**

Make simpler things to suit the tastes of your kids.

***So when I bring the food out and one of the boys want something
else, I say, well I worked hard to make this and it is "good" food. If
you want something else, you can make it yourself. ***

If cooking is complex that's not your kid's responsibility. They'd probably be happy with simple foods served without the side dish of guilt.
Maybe you haven't thought what that sounds like. Speaking as an adult who grew up with a guilting mom it sounds like "I work and I slave and what thanks do I get?"

***Then I help them at
a minimum (by then my energy is low).****

When they're older and decide they'll only help you at a minimum will that be ok with you?

What you are showing them is that you expect them to make you happy no matter what: (eat the food that took so much of my energy or you'll be punished by my lack of interest, by inconvenience and possibly by hunger.) Food shouldn't be tied to mom's approval and kids should not be made to feel it's their job to make their parents happy.

***I think it's good to meet kids' needs but we all have limits in how much
energy we can spend.***

We can choose to give a hundred percent of what we have to give. And if we don't think of our kids as little energy drainers we can be more positive in our parenting. It's not our kids fault that parenthood takes energy! <g> if we're in a habit of thinking of our good parenting skills as finite then we're always looking ahead to that moment when we can say "enough!" and blame our kids for draining our energy. If we think of our good parenting skills as infinitely renewable we don't become our own brick wall stopping point.

*** In a healthy relationship as others have said,
consensus can be met by talking things through***

It's not consensus if a kid hears "I worked hard to make this..." (food you don't want) ..."you can make (something else) yourself."
And it's not talking things through to say the equivalent of "tough" to a kid.

If you make simple things you already know your kids like you can spend your energy making those favorite things with love. That's the secret of energy. Spend the energy you have on love instead of martyrdom and you'll feel continually renewed instead of drained.

Deb Lewis







Deb Lewis

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Shannon Rizzo

Adrean,

One of the things I do is every few months (or more often if the kids want
to) we sit down and list some of our favorite foods. I make sure to have
stocked at least 3-5 meals for each kid (I have 4 kids). That way, on any
given day if I'm starting a meal and someone doesn't feel like it, I have a
handful of options for them. My kids also love being part of the cooking
process and creating the menu. There are great kids cookbooks out there
now, from simple ideas for young ones (Cooking Art by Mary Anne Kohl) to
imaginative ones (Fairy Tale Feasts by Jane Yolen, in which there is a fairy
tale and then a selection of meals from that story), to simple ideas for
older kids (Honest Pretzels by Mollie Katzen). Around here now whenever my
husband or I start cooking, we have at least one kid come running to
participate.

I don't view the differing needs as conflict; when we go to restaurants we
don't all order the same thing. There are so many resources out there that
this can be a launching point to some fun cooking or just snack activities
with your kids. The Cooking Art is especially good for snack trays and
midday activities (shaping dough into designs and baking). One thing I do,
having so many kids, is try to meet the needs before they become needs. For
example I will make a fruit/veggie tray and set it out between meals and/or
as I begin to cook. They wander in to say they're hungry and there's
already a nice tray of snacks there for them.

Finally, since I am at my lowest energy point and most frazzled by late
afternoon, I find it more enjoyable to cook earlier in the day as much as
possible. It feels cozy to putter about the kitchen making good things
while the kids play around me, instead of trying to crank something out when
they are hungry and grumpy. So I may at least do the prep (chopping,
marinating) earlier in the day. Also, I group like things together when I
cook - for example if I'm making a batch of spaghetti sauce I may make chili
and red beans & rice at the same time: all involve chopping onions,
carrots, etc. and simmering on the cook top. I simply refrigerate or freeze
the meals we aren't eating. If I am grilling meat I may brine/marinate
several kinds and grill them at once, then freeze immediately to seal in the
juices (we love our Foodsaver). Even simply doubling whatever I'm cooking
yields a surplus of meals quickly. In no time you can have 10-15 meals
frozen and ready to go for those days when you need extra help.

Take care,
Shannon

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11:30 AM

Deb Lewis

***I decided a long time ago I would not be a short order cook.***

People use this as a slam against their kids. It implies that kids would give mom as little thought as most of us give the guy at the coffee shop who makes hash browns.

I think it would be a spectacular achievement if I was as efficient as a short order cook. The perfect solution to the problem of feeding multiple hungry people!

Hungry kids came from the mom, by the way, they didn't show up out of the blue, expecting to be fed. They're there because that person who thinks she oughtn't have to cook to suite everyone made them. But I digress.

I know someone who's learning the skill of short order cooking. Fry cooking, they call it here. She's organized her workspace to be convenient, she prepares everything ahead that can be prepared ahead and she can have four plates of food in front of four hungry people in twelve minutes. I don't know about you but I think that's fantastic! Wouldn't that be a cool thing for mom's to know how and be willing to do? Dinner in twelve minutes? Everyone happy? Stunning!

*** I try to vary the menu enough that everyone feels like
he got something he wanted at least once a week.***

Would it be possible to fix one thing each kid likes every night? That's three different things. I'm not a great cook but I can make three different side dishes each night. But does it really happen that all three kids don't like any part of what was made? If that's rare then mom would really only be making one or two other side dishes in addition to what was planned. If it does happen that all three kids don't like what's on the menu then maybe it would be better to stop fixing that stuff instead of repeatedly putting it in front of people who don't like it.

*** However, some of
the issue is power and control. You can very quickly get into a
power struggle over the dinner menu.***

Children don't struggle for power unless they've been made to feel powerless. They feel powerless when adults are controlling. It's a learned behavior. If any mom feels like her kids are trying to control her she needs to stop controlling her kids. She needs to look within herself for her power issues and resolve them because children do not learn to do this without it being routinely modeled to them.

It's important for people who want to unschool successfully to stop thinking of their kids as trying to control them. That's a negative way to think about kids and it will lead to resentment on all parts at the very least and to real control issues eventually that won't be easily undone.

And if the mom feels powerless because kids want to eat something different from what she planned, that's a problem within the mom. That's psychology from some time previous to kids that should be given the heave-ho ASAP if a peaceful unschooling home is her goal.


Deb Lewis

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Debra Rossing

Hubby's not trained as a fry cook but having him as the main chef in our
house has created some unique arrangements. It's arranged more like a
workshop than a typical kitchen. The bread machine and all the assorted
canistered items are on a 3 shelf sturdy wire mesh shop cart that he can
wheel over to the counter instead of walking back and forth (we have
ridiculously little counter space). We try as much as possible to adhere
to Alton Brown's ban on uni-taskers in the kitchen - if it's only good
for sectioning grapefruit and nothing else, it goes out. If it can dice
and slice and core a apple, it stays. Even when we bought a rice cooker,
it could also do oatmeal (and probably other grains, we just never tried
them). The bread machine not only makes bread loaves but also pizza
dough and fruit jam! The grain grinder we're looking at for next year
(so we can make our own whole grain flour) also grinds nuts and seeds
(so we can grind the wheat to make the bread and grind the peanuts to
make the PB and we already make our own berry jam - that's one fresh
lunch!) He even took the cabinet doors off the above counter cabinets to
make the stuff in them easier to access.

On the food side of things, we'll do things like cook one or two extra
chicken breasts if we're cooking chicken. It takes no extra time for
that night and makes the next night's fajitas ready in minutes. Ditto
for things like peppers and onions - we buy bunches of fresh bell
peppers when they're in season/on special and clean and slice them and
toss them into the freezer. Pull them and the frozen pre-chopped onions
out, toss into a skillet to saute, slice and toss in the already-cooked
chicken, add seasonings, while that's going, warm some flour tortillas
in the microwave and put the sour cream, salsa and cheese (with grater)
on the table - fajitas in under 15 minutes (and it's one of many
mix-n-match meals we do).

Deb


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

I tried the everybody eats at the same time, eat whatever I cook and that was that. I did that for over 20 years before I changed my way of thinking.

Here is the way cooking goes at our house. And the only rule I have for eating is that you have to clean up after you are done.

Our daughter is 11 and a vegan. she cooks her own food, unless she needs my help in cutting things up, (she cut herself once and does not like to use a knife) she does not like to eat with other people so she eats when she wants..

Our nephew is 18, has Asperger syndrome( a form of Autism) he can get his own ceral for breakfast, make a sandwich or tv dinner for lunchin the microwave. He can not use an oven or stove. He eats his lunch at 1:30 so he can watch a show on tv while he eats, I make his dinner for him around 6:30. If I did not set a dinner time for him he would forget to eat.

My husband works 2nd shift - so I cook his dinner in the mornings so he can take it to work.

Our son 6 is a very picky eater. I make his food when ever he is hunger. Which is mostly a french toasted cheese with peanut butter sandwich. Tastes really good with Swiss Cheese.

My husband and I eat breakfast/lunch together, and I have dinner sometime between whenever and never.

Last night I made Mac & Cheese for our son, I took half the Mac & Cheese and added Tuna for our nephews dinner later on, with our nephews dinner I made peas to go with the Tuna/Mac&chesse, I made enough Peas for my dinner later and our daughters lunch or dinner tomorrow.

I always try and have peas/corn/greenbeans/and boiled potatoes in the frig at all times and frozen fries in the freezer.. That makes making meals a breeze for everybody. fast and easy way to cook frozen fries... Microwave them for a few mintues, then put them under the broiler to crisp them up. takes about 10 minutes,no perheating the oven,waiting 20 to 40 minutes for fries anymore.

Well I know I have rambled so, I off to go stain spindles with my husband.
Have a great day to all,
Oneida
Wife to John
Mom to
DS 25 married with a family of his own
DS 18 lives on his own
DD 11
DS 6
Nephew 18


---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

~~ *** I try to vary the menu enough that everyone feels like
he got something he wanted at least once a week.***~~


You know, if that's how often I got the foods *I* wanted, I'd be
really cranky. That sucks. People should have access to foods they
like all the time. Makes for happier humans.

If someone is preparing elaborate meals that everyone in the family
doesn't want, then you've lost the whole point of family
meals...enjoyment!! Nobody should feel they are stuck with the meal
prepared for them, by another person's choice. I will help any of the
kids fix whatever it is they are wanting if we have the ingredients
and time at the moment. I make sure to pick up their food choices (if
they aren't with me) at the grocery store. They all have meal requests
and I can fix food we all like.

I typically fix a big pot of soup or some other hearty food everyone
can eat on all day if they want. We keep the ingredients for nachos
and other quick/easy foods they can fix at any time. Food should be a
celebration, not drudgery. Even the simplest foods can bring joy.
Homemade bread smells are the best in my opinion!:)

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Jesse Suckow Crowell

I get bored cooking the same foods. I very much enjoy trying out new recipes
across different ethnic spectrums which pretty much guarantees one son (my
plain meat and rice guy) will not like. The way I handle his needs is
to leave out some of the meat plain and put it to one side for him. We have
rice with pretty much every meal and when we don't he'll make himself a
bagel to go with the meat. I also try to ensure that I make simpler meals a
few times a week that I know he will fully enjoy.
As a side note to meals, I noticed that as we fall further from a rules
oriented life, the family meal has also fallen by the wayside. I'm assuming
this is part of the process of finding balance since we are still fairly new
at this. My older son mentioned last night that he is really missing the
family dinner time so starting tonight we are making sure it is more of a
priority.

Jess

On Dec 6, 2007 10:08 AM, Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:

> ~~ *** I try to vary the menu enough that everyone feels like
> he got something he wanted at least once a week.***~~
>
> You know, if that's how often I got the foods *I* wanted, I'd be
> really cranky. That sucks. People should have access to foods they
> like all the time. Makes for happier humans.
>
> If someone is preparing elaborate meals that everyone in the family
> doesn't want, then you've lost the whole point of family
> meals...enjoyment!! Nobody should feel they are stuck with the meal
> prepared for them, by another person's choice. I will help any of the
> kids fix whatever it is they are wanting if we have the ingredients
> and time at the moment. I make sure to pick up their food choices (if
> they aren't with me) at the grocery store. They all have meal requests
> and I can fix food we all like.
>
> I typically fix a big pot of soup or some other hearty food everyone
> can eat on all day if they want. We keep the ingredients for nachos
> and other quick/easy foods they can fix at any time. Food should be a
> celebration, not drudgery. Even the simplest foods can bring joy.
> Homemade bread smells are the best in my opinion!:)
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...>

~~ *** I try to vary the menu enough that everyone feels like
he got something he wanted at least once a week.***~~


You know, if that's how often I got the foods *I* wanted, I'd be
really cranky. That sucks. People should have access to foods they
like all the time. Makes for happier humans.

-=-=-=-=-

And folks' requirements are different.

Each and every meal is a big deal for me. I wonder about what to fix
every meal---not in a bad way. I just like to think of different
options and make new things and make old favorites. It's a big deal.

Ben and I were talking about how much effort I put into food each day.
He *really* doesn't care. Not that he doesn't like good food---it's
just that he'll eat whatever's put in front of him and is grateful for
it all. I frequently ask him what he'd like for dinner or supper. He
truly doesn't care---he'll eat whatever I make.

*I*, on the other hand, have all *sorts* of cravings throughout the day
and month and year. Seasonal's important. It truly *matters* what I
make/eat. Some days I just can't bear the thought of sushi---other
days, it's the ONLY thing that will satisfy. Last night? Latkes and
homemade applesauce. Tonight, chili. <g>

My boys ---I have one of each. Cameron likes what he likes when he
likes it, and Duncan is happy to eat whatever's available. BUT! Ben and
Cameron can eat the same thing day after day, and Duncan and I like to
change it up more often. There's always some leftover in the 'frig'
that can become lunch or a snack or an option for supper.

I would never cook something new without having something "in reserve"
for those who don't care for it. And there's *always* some leftover
soup in the 'frig.' I make soup at least once a week, and I have over a
dozen favorites that we all love (minestrone, potato & leek, chicken
noodle, white bean, carrot & ginger, spicy black bean, tomato,
vegetable---LOTS!).

I just need one of you bread bakers to hang out here---that's something
I've yet to master! <G>

It doesn't take a "short order cook" to satisfy everyone's preferences.
Just a refrigerator! <G>



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


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Deb

--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>> Homemade bread smells are the best in my opinion!:)
>
Ooh yeah - I walked in last night to the smells of fresh bread and
soup simmering...marvelous on a sub-freezing evening after working all
day. I will say, though, that I think my second favorite dinner smell
is the smell of brown basmati rice cooking - it smells almost like
popcorn!

Something we've been doing for several months now is writing up the
menu for the week on Sunday afternoon. We write it up on the kitchen
wall chalkboard. It's totally malleable - we can switch days of when
things happen and so on, not written in stone by any means and it's
got input from everyone, whether it's "Let's have that again this
week" or "Can we skip having that this week, we've been having that
every week for a while?". But, not only does it make pulling together
a grocery list easier, but it also is a reminder of items we need to
get fresh (for instance, we don't buy frozen fish, we just buy it the
day we'll use it, usually I stop and get it on the way home from
work). Plus, stuff we get doesn't just sit in the fridge - if I pick
up some nice squash on special, it goes on the menu so it gets used
before it gets ugly. We can tailor it to seasonals as well - for
instance, we've been doing a lot more with roasted roots & tubers over
the last couple of months and we usually include a salad supper at
least once a week during the summer and so on. And, it makes things
way easier on my sweet DH (the at home parent and chief chef at our
house) - rather than having to think about what we've got, what we
want, what he feels like making, he has something to start with.
Instead of scrambling at 4:30 to start dinner, he knows that the
dinner for tonight only takes 10 minutes so he can start that just
before I walk in the door OR tonight's meal will take a bit of prep
work so he should start it early OR tonight's dinner would taste
really good with a loaf of fresh bread so he needs to start the bread
machine after lunch so it'll be ready to slice for dinner. Sometimes
stuff happens and the whole plan goes out the window (like this week).
And, too, if someone decides they don't like something (say I don't
feel like having pasta tonight but it's on the menu) we can discuss it
in advance of dinnertime and modify things - whether it's a total
overhaul of the situation (switch the pasta to tomorrow and do nachos
tonight) or a tweak to it (throw together an alfredo sauce instead of
tomato sauce). It's always an evolving things but it has a baseline to
start from.

--Deb

Deb

--- In [email protected], "Jesse Suckow Crowell"
<stompy@...> wrote:

> As a side note to meals, I noticed that as we fall further from a
>rules
> oriented life, the family meal has also fallen by the wayside.
I'm >assuming
> this is part of the process of finding balance since we are still
>fairly new
> at this. My older son mentioned last night that he is really
>missing the
> family dinner time so starting tonight we are making sure it is
more >of a
> priority.
>
> Jess

If he's missing it, then by all means make sure that you put some of
that in the works. One of the big things about 'family meals',
dinner particularly, is that it's usually the one time when the
whole family is actually home together, it's a time to reconnect.
But, when you're basically together and connected all day in one way
or another, it's not quite the same "need" as it is when you're all
scattered for 8 or 10 hrs per day, living separate lives. As the WOH
parent, sometimes I *enjoy* it when DS takes his dinner to the
living room to continue watching Spongebob or Cash Cab and DH and I
get a little quiet space to talk. I make sure to spend time before
dinner as well as later in the evening with DS. Our "connecting
time" is more likely to be after 8 pm when we all pile into our king
sized bed to watch a favorite TV program or movie.

--Deb

Deb

--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>
> I just need one of you bread bakers to hang out here---that's
>something
> I've yet to master! <G>

LOL while DH is a wonderful "craftsman" at making bread, we most
often just use the bread machine and one of our basic favorite
recipes (we have 2 or 3 that we really like). That way, he can put
in all the ingredients then go play LOTR on the PS2 all afternoon (I
called home about an hour ago and they were busy battling orcs!) and
we can have fresh bread with dinner.

Now, if you want to get *really* jealous, y'all should know that he
can, and does (sometimes), make homemade biscotti, bagels, and
lasagna noodles plus a PA Dutch potpie (with homemade egg noodles,
none of that pie crusty stuff) that is awesome. Sorry y'all he's
TAKEN lol :-)

And next year his goal is to get a grinder to make whole grain
flours and nut butters his own self. We already make jam from the
berries in the summer (we have wild black berries out in the yard)
so I'm already thinking about how lovely it will be to have a PBJ
with homemade bread from home ground wheat, home ground PB and
homemade jam from hand picked berries!

--Deb

guideforthree

Poor word choice on my part and taken out of context. The rest of my
original post said exactly what you are saying. The kids help plan
the menu. The kids help with the shopping. And the kids certainly
fix anything they want if they don't like what I fix (generally
because I didn't realize they didn't like it or because it was
another child's request). I make a special point of keeping easy to
prepare items in the freezer in case someone doesn't like the meal,
and I've helped my kids learn their way around the kitchen. My post
was in response to someone who needed to let go of control and stop
giving her kids guilt trips when they didn't like what she cooked.

Thanks for reitterating the point I was trying to make :)


--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>
> ~~ *** I try to vary the menu enough that everyone feels like
> he got something he wanted at least once a week.***~~
>
>
> You know, if that's how often I got the foods *I* wanted, I'd be
> really cranky. That sucks. People should have access to foods they
> like all the time. Makes for happier humans.
>
> If someone is preparing elaborate meals that everyone in the family
> doesn't want, then you've lost the whole point of family
> meals...enjoyment!! Nobody should feel they are stuck with the meal
> prepared for them, by another person's choice. I will help any of
the
> kids fix whatever it is they are wanting if we have the ingredients
> and time at the moment. I make sure to pick up their food choices
(if
> they aren't with me) at the grocery store. They all have meal
requests
> and I can fix food we all like.
>
> I typically fix a big pot of soup or some other hearty food everyone
> can eat on all day if they want. We keep the ingredients for nachos
> and other quick/easy foods they can fix at any time. Food should be
a
> celebration, not drudgery. Even the simplest foods can bring joy.
> Homemade bread smells are the best in my opinion!:)
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>