Faith Void

I would like to know how to handle relatives. We just had a horrible
experience at my in-laws. It was my ds 5th birthday which he shares
with his grammy. So we drove up to visit at ds's request. They were
horrid, controlling, denying, negating, they were so cruel to my kids.
My ds cried on his birthday because no one would pay attention to his
expect to snap at him, or be insulting. Neither his aunts or uncle got
him a gift, and though he didn't complain to them noticed and felt
slighted. He grammy got all the attention and presents. He got yelled
at for touching the baby (not ours, his cousin) eveb though he was
doing the same thing as the grown ups. I don't know what to do. I
stuck up for him as much as possible but it was ridiculous. I really
want to say something to all of them but dh doesn't want me to and I
want to respect him but I don't agree. I feel like posing and
ultimatum about going there again. We have already had issues with
them and my oldest (10), who is a "step" in their family. They are
extremely disrespectful to her. They also ignored our new baby! Which
was part of why we were visiting so they could met her. It really
sucked for all involved.
the "good" part is that dh actually noticed! It takes earth shaking
for that. but he felt impotent to *do* anything. claiming that he has
no influence over them. it's a start though. Before he was always
telling telling dd to "suck it up" and "play the game". getting mad at
her for how his parents reacted to her being herself. he wasn't quite
supportive to her but he did acknowledge her treatment and wasn't
fussing at her.
unschool for us was easy, it's these *radical* concepts that are hard to "get"

please help me work through this or refer me to someone who can help,
as I feel like I have no one to turn to,
Faith

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/26/2007 6:39:23 A.M. Pacific Standard Time,
littlemsvoid@... writes:

please help me work through this or refer me to someone who can help,
as I feel like I have no one to turn to,
Faith


__________________________

No real advice, but lots of caring. Also, I wanted to say they sure seem
afraid to Love, don't they? I'm so sorry. Happy late Bday to your lovely son -
send him an extra hug from over here in CA.

Karen



**************************************Check out AOL's list of 2007's hottest
products.
(http://money.aol.com/special/hot-products-2007?NCID=aoltop00030000000001)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

juillet727

--- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
<littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
>
> I would like to know how to handle relatives.
***********************

Hi there--
When I'm in a situation that is disrespectful to my son and it's a
situation where we can't easily leave (at the house of far away
relatives for a special event, for example), I just hang out with my
son more and ignore the obnoxious people. Not really ignore, but just
find other things that interest us. If there's an interesting backyard
or unexplored woods or pretty trinkets on the piano we go and explore
those together. Together is the key to a better day. Together means
that the relatives won't worry that my ds will break anything and also
I am right there to help buffer the cries of "Don't go in there!",
"Don't touch that!", "You can't eat over there!". It does take me away
from some of the conversation with adult relatives, but that's ok with
me. I don't much like talking with folks who can't be nice to kids anyway.
Me and my partner take turns doing this and visiting with relatives so
we don't appear too unsociable.
~~Juillet

Faith Void

This is what we did. It worked somewhat. The hardest issue was ds
wanted to be around everyone. I just had to assist him working through
difficult emotions (which I don't mind). It's been a couple days and
he is still angry. I am hoping to work through this soon.
Faith

On Nov 27, 2007 12:44 PM, juillet727 <juillet727@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
>
> <littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
> >
> > I would like to know how to handle relatives.
> ***********************
>
> Hi there--
> When I'm in a situation that is disrespectful to my son and it's a
> situation where we can't easily leave (at the house of far away
> relatives for a special event, for example), I just hang out with my
> son more and ignore the obnoxious people. Not really ignore, but just
> find other things that interest us. If there's an interesting backyard
> or unexplored woods or pretty trinkets on the piano we go and explore
> those together. Together is the key to a better day. Together means
> that the relatives won't worry that my ds will break anything and also
> I am right there to help buffer the cries of "Don't go in there!",
> "Don't touch that!", "You can't eat over there!". It does take me away
> from some of the conversation with adult relatives, but that's ok with
> me. I don't much like talking with folks who can't be nice to kids anyway.
> Me and my partner take turns doing this and visiting with relatives so
> we don't appear too unsociable.
> ~~Juillet
>
>
>

juillet727

Yeah, the hardest part for me is dealing with the things I can't
change. My boy gets real sad at things like being an only child in a
sea of friends with extended family nearby. Or dealing with relatives
he loves, but sometimes they're rude or unthinking. It's is hard at
times. Maybe next year the common birthdays can be celebrated slightly
differently?
My ds can bring up old hurts from way long ago. We talk about it,
sometimes with solutions in mind (for the next time we see someone),
sometimes I just listen.
I think you being there for your son is so very helpful in more ways
than just the situation of the moment. It's not seen as a great or
valued thing, but I think the effect of having a mom and dad who care
and are able to listen is a very powerful and long lasting remedy. (I
still wish there was a magic pill for hurts like this.)
~~Juillet


*****************
--- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
<littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
>
> This is what we did. It worked somewhat. The hardest issue was ds
> wanted to be around everyone. I just had to assist him working through
> difficult emotions (which I don't mind). It's been a couple days and
> he is still angry. I am hoping to work through this soon.
> Faith
>
> On Nov 27, 2007 12:44 PM, juillet727 <juillet727@...> wrote:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
> >
> > <littlemsvoid@> wrote:
> > >
> > > I would like to know how to handle relatives.
> > ***********************
> >
> > Hi there--
> > When I'm in a situation that is disrespectful to my son and it's a
> > situation where we can't easily leave (at the house of far away
> > relatives for a special event, for example), I just hang out with my
> > son more and ignore the obnoxious people. Not really ignore, but just
> > find other things that interest us. If there's an interesting
backyard
> > or unexplored woods or pretty trinkets on the piano we go and explore
> > those together. Together is the key to a better day. Together means
> > that the relatives won't worry that my ds will break anything and
also
> > I am right there to help buffer the cries of "Don't go in there!",
> > "Don't touch that!", "You can't eat over there!". It does take me
away
> > from some of the conversation with adult relatives, but that's ok
with
> > me. I don't much like talking with folks who can't be nice to
kids anyway.
> > Me and my partner take turns doing this and visiting with
relatives so
> > we don't appear too unsociable.
> > ~~Juillet
> >
> >
> >
>

Susan

> I would like to know how to handle relatives. We just had a horrible
> experience at my in-laws. It was my ds 5th birthday which he shares
> with his grammy. So we drove up to visit at ds's request. They were
> horrid, controlling, denying, negating, they were so cruel to my kids.


Wow, that is a lot to deal with! Big hugs to your son and to you ~ it's
tough to find your family in these situations. I don't have any words of
advice, because I'm going through similar issues with in-laws, and am
reading this thread with interest.

This past holiday was rough for us, too. We visited my parent's house, which
was okay. Lately I've talked to my mom (via phone calls) a *lot* about
peaceful parenting and respecting children and she's been fairly receptive.
Maybe some of that is starting to sink in because things were better -
although we did have a disagreement about her making the kids turn off the
tv upstairs because she felt it was just "junk" (and then she proceeded to
sit down and watch the news, which I *personally* feel is full of "junk"...
and being the smart-alec that I am, of course didn't miss the opportunity to
point this out and comment on the differences between interests and why it's
impossible (and wrong) to decide these things for another person... but this
went nowhere fast, so I just let it go and apologized to the kids for having
to shut off the tv... sigh.

However, my in-laws are apparently unapproachable about this stuff from any
angle - we are making no progress with them because whenever we bring the
subject up they just fidget "politely" and then change the subject. If a
real-life instance brings up the opportunity to discuss these things, they
just ignore our comments/input. It's frustrating. They strongly prefer to
avoid conflict, so they don't disagree with us directly, they just pretend
we didn't say anything. Sometimes we feel like we've invisible. DH and I
have looked at each other to confirm that we really did say something out
loud, since it seems to have gotten silently sucked up into the vacuum of
space.

I've spoken to MIL about not spanking ds and she made a disapproving frown
but didn't say anything. I've tried to talk to them about lots of things
that just go unheard, like letting ds go to sleep by himself because he's
been a solo sleeper since he was a babe and cannot settle down with other
people in his space (whereas dd is a family bed sleeper). But they insist on
trying to lay down with him, and then give up after two hours and complain
about how little sleep they got all night. I've also asked them to give the
kids their space when we're visiting, but they seem to think that's akin to
ignoring them, so instead they have an in-their-face-every-second style of
interacting with them ~ and end up complaining about how exhausting the kids
are. Um... yeah. I think the kids would say the same thing about them!! It's
draining!

A few months ago it donned on us that over time we have visited less and
less often, but not in a conscious effort to do so. It's just been a natural
distancing.

Thanksgiving with them was really stressful. We were under the impression
that it was just going to be a small family meal, but when we arrived there
were several neighbors, friends of theirs, and another family (grandma
included!) that came with my SIL, which made for a really full, noisy house.
Ds, who is sensitive to these things and is very spirited in even normal
circumstances, teetered on the edge of spinning out of control the whole
evening, which made for a lot of quick work and intervention on our part.

In addition to that, which kept us both feeling tense, I've found that it's
*very* hard for me to hear my natural mom voice when I'm in the presence of
my in-laws... it's difficult to be at my parenting best in their home
because it is so the opposite of our home. I really struggle to stay in a
space where I'm patient and kind and can creative problem solve on the spot.

At one point ds was jumping on the couch and when I tried to redirect him to
something else he moved up to the back of the couch ~ he was giving off
those "locked in" signals that come just before he explodes in a million
directions. My FIL said something about how he could get down quietly or get
down with a burning butt - I had a big mental cringe and ds cowered, then
refused to move when I reached for his hand. I was gritting my teeth because
ds took my FIL's words to mean that *I* was going to be the spanker. Maybe
FIL felt he was being helpful, or he thought I didn't have the situation
under control so he needed to step in, or maybe it's "just the way things
are done" - I don't know, but it wasn't cool under any circumstances.

I was standing there in a room full of people, feeling really on the spot
and wishing that ds and I could be far, far away in another galaxy. I ended
up saying very loudly that he was absolutely *not* going to get a spanking
(long pause with a reassuring smile)... Could he show me the trainset in the
other room? So he finally got down and we walked out together and I could
just *feel* the eyes on us and before our shadows were even around the
corner the whispering started. UGH!! So frustrating!

~ Susan


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]