Question about putting principles instead of rules in play
Melissa Chevere
How in the world do I change my ways from rules-driven to principle-driven?
I came from a family drowning in rules and my husband came from a house with
basically no rules, but no supervision either, so for the last 5 years we've
raised our children on what we thought were good principles, but I am
finding out, as I am learning more and more about unschooling, that it's all
RULES we have hundreds of them~!
Do I ask my kids what they think is important at 5, 3 1/2, and 16 months?
Do my husband and I sit down and decide what's best for the family and then
approach the children with it?
When someone breaks one of the principles, how do you discipline? I know
that's not the right wording, but for my rule bound mind right now, it's all
I can think of.
I want to dive straight into unschooling. I don't want to send my kiddos to
public school and I don't want to just school at home. I thought I was
going along just fine, until tonight when I am sitting here reading about
principles versus rules. Sheesh I feel like a complete failure~!
How do we restart fresh?
Melissa in Missouri
mommy to 3 great kiddos
Isaiah 5, Isabella 3, and Anne Elise 16 months
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I came from a family drowning in rules and my husband came from a house with
basically no rules, but no supervision either, so for the last 5 years we've
raised our children on what we thought were good principles, but I am
finding out, as I am learning more and more about unschooling, that it's all
RULES we have hundreds of them~!
Do I ask my kids what they think is important at 5, 3 1/2, and 16 months?
Do my husband and I sit down and decide what's best for the family and then
approach the children with it?
When someone breaks one of the principles, how do you discipline? I know
that's not the right wording, but for my rule bound mind right now, it's all
I can think of.
I want to dive straight into unschooling. I don't want to send my kiddos to
public school and I don't want to just school at home. I thought I was
going along just fine, until tonight when I am sitting here reading about
principles versus rules. Sheesh I feel like a complete failure~!
How do we restart fresh?
Melissa in Missouri
mommy to 3 great kiddos
Isaiah 5, Isabella 3, and Anne Elise 16 months
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Melissa Chevere <turtlefly33@...>
Do I ask my kids what they think is important at 5, 3 1/2, and 16
months?
-=-=-=-=-
I wouldn't. They're really little.
-=-=-=-
Do my husband and I sit down and decide what's best for the family and
then
approach the children with it?
-=-=-=-=-
I'd just start living by principles. If my children asked what's up,
I'd try to explain it as simply as possible.
=-=-=-
When someone breaks one of the principles, how do you discipline? I
know
that's not the right wording, but for my rule bound mind right now,
it's all
I can think of.
-=-=-=-=-
I had to laugh at this! <G>
You can't break principles.
You can just keep striving *for* them.
-=-=-=-=-
I want to dive straight into unschooling. I don't want to send my
kiddos to
public school and I don't want to just school at home. I thought I was
going along just fine, until tonight when I am sitting here reading
about
principles versus rules. Sheesh I feel like a complete failure~!
-=-=-=-
I'm sorry---I didn't mean to make you feel that way! :-(
But sometimes we grow so much when that happens!
-=-=-==-
How do we restart fresh?
-=-=-=-=-
Tell us some rules, and we can suggest some principles to take their
place.
Then it'll just be about putting the principles into practice.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
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From: Melissa Chevere <turtlefly33@...>
Do I ask my kids what they think is important at 5, 3 1/2, and 16
months?
-=-=-=-=-
I wouldn't. They're really little.
-=-=-=-
Do my husband and I sit down and decide what's best for the family and
then
approach the children with it?
-=-=-=-=-
I'd just start living by principles. If my children asked what's up,
I'd try to explain it as simply as possible.
=-=-=-
When someone breaks one of the principles, how do you discipline? I
know
that's not the right wording, but for my rule bound mind right now,
it's all
I can think of.
-=-=-=-=-
I had to laugh at this! <G>
You can't break principles.
You can just keep striving *for* them.
-=-=-=-=-
I want to dive straight into unschooling. I don't want to send my
kiddos to
public school and I don't want to just school at home. I thought I was
going along just fine, until tonight when I am sitting here reading
about
principles versus rules. Sheesh I feel like a complete failure~!
-=-=-=-
I'm sorry---I didn't mean to make you feel that way! :-(
But sometimes we grow so much when that happens!
-=-=-==-
How do we restart fresh?
-=-=-=-=-
Tell us some rules, and we can suggest some principles to take their
place.
Then it'll just be about putting the principles into practice.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 22, 2007, at 7:10 PM, Melissa Chevere wrote:
Principles aren't something you impose on someone. They're the parts
of a philosophy that help you decide if an action is in keeping with
your own personal philosophy.
You're having a hard time figuring this out because you're trying to
change your kids to make them behave differently. Use your own
principles to help them navigate the world. Help them get what they
want in ways that don't hurt someone. It *is* what they're trying to
do. They *don't* want to hurt someone. But when humans have a need
and can't figure out more principled ways of meeting it, humans often
start tossing out the principles. Even the most peaceful mom is
likely to kill someone to protect her kids if she's backed into a
corner and can't figure another way.
Help you kids not feel backed into corner. Give them escape route.
Give them the confidence that you will help them.
I think one of the biggest problems with rules is they're used as
substitutes for being there. It's like the parents are handing the
child a bit of themselves and telling the child to obey it. It's like
remote control parenting.
There isn't a substitute for being there. A great deal of
conventional parenting is reactive: responding to problems. Mindful
parenting is about being aware of our kids and their needs and
responding before things escalate. (We can't be perfect but we can be
better!)
Can you give us some examples of problems? It's a lot easier to
explain with real life examples.
Ask yourself, "Who's going to die?"
http://sandradodd.com/yes
In addition to the good stuff on that page, there's a link to
"Always say yes. Or some form of yes."
http://sandradodd.com/joyce/yes
There's some other good stuff there, but read my response at:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/alwayssayyes.html
since I expanded it a bit when someone wrote to me about it.
Joyce
> When someone breaks one of the principles, how do you discipline?You can't break principles. You live them or not live them.
Principles aren't something you impose on someone. They're the parts
of a philosophy that help you decide if an action is in keeping with
your own personal philosophy.
You're having a hard time figuring this out because you're trying to
change your kids to make them behave differently. Use your own
principles to help them navigate the world. Help them get what they
want in ways that don't hurt someone. It *is* what they're trying to
do. They *don't* want to hurt someone. But when humans have a need
and can't figure out more principled ways of meeting it, humans often
start tossing out the principles. Even the most peaceful mom is
likely to kill someone to protect her kids if she's backed into a
corner and can't figure another way.
Help you kids not feel backed into corner. Give them escape route.
Give them the confidence that you will help them.
I think one of the biggest problems with rules is they're used as
substitutes for being there. It's like the parents are handing the
child a bit of themselves and telling the child to obey it. It's like
remote control parenting.
There isn't a substitute for being there. A great deal of
conventional parenting is reactive: responding to problems. Mindful
parenting is about being aware of our kids and their needs and
responding before things escalate. (We can't be perfect but we can be
better!)
Can you give us some examples of problems? It's a lot easier to
explain with real life examples.
> How in the world do I change my ways from rules-driven to principle-Don't toss out the rules so much as just say yes more.
> driven?
Ask yourself, "Who's going to die?"
http://sandradodd.com/yes
In addition to the good stuff on that page, there's a link to
"Always say yes. Or some form of yes."
http://sandradodd.com/joyce/yes
There's some other good stuff there, but read my response at:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/alwayssayyes.html
since I expanded it a bit when someone wrote to me about it.
Joyce
Nance Confer
unschoolingbasicsMeslissa: How do we restart fresh?
You can't. Life doesn't work that way. You do better today if you know better and be happy you even got that far. Most people don't.
Millions of words have been written about unschooling but you still have to feel your way, do your best, think, try again, etc. Lay down the guilt about not being perfect or spouting all the right things and enjoy!
There is no "rule book." :)
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You can't. Life doesn't work that way. You do better today if you know better and be happy you even got that far. Most people don't.
Millions of words have been written about unschooling but you still have to feel your way, do your best, think, try again, etc. Lay down the guilt about not being perfect or spouting all the right things and enjoy!
There is no "rule book." :)
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
>Well for example if one of my children decided to hit the other, what do you
> <http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org> When someone breaks one of the
> principles, how do you discipline? I
> know
> that's not the right wording, but for my rule bound mind right now,
> it's all
> I can think of.
>
> -=-=-=-=-
>
> I had to laugh at this! <G>
>
> You can't break principles.
>
> You can just keep striving *for* them.
>
> -=-=-=-=
>
> do at that point? Go and talk to them? Ask what happened and give themAs far as our rules go,
> feeling words to explain how they felt? Basically now, I ask them to
> apologize for hitting, but tell the other person that when they take their
> toy (for example) that makes them very sad and angry. Then I ask the other
> one to practice asking for the toy instead of just taking it, and then get a
> dialogue going, between them. Is that right?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I want to dive straight into unschooling. I don't want to send my
> kiddos to
> public school and I don't want to just school at home. I thought I was
> going along just fine, until tonight when I am sitting here reading
> about
> principles versus rules. Sheesh I feel like a complete failure~!
>
> -=-=-=-
>
> I'm sorry---I didn't mean to make you feel that way! :-(
>
> But sometimes we grow so much when that happens!
>
> -=-=-==-I agree. I was excited this morning to come and check my email to
> find out how I could be different today~!
>
>
>
>
>
> How do we restart fresh?
>
> -=-=-=-=-
>
> Tell us some rules, and we can suggest some principles to take their
> place.
>
> Then it'll just be about putting the principles into practice.
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org<http://www.liveandlearnconference.org/>
>
a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
1)no running in the house, and
2) no jumping on the bed.
Let's just start with those.
Thank you so much for your feed back, Kelly~!
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
On Nov 22, 2007, at 7:10 PM, Melissa Chevere wrote:
Principles aren't something you impose on someone. They're the parts
of a philosophy that help you decide if an action is in keeping with
your own personal philosophy.
You're having a hard time figuring this out because you're trying to
change your kids to make them behave differently. Use your own
principles to help them navigate the world. Help them get what they
want in ways that don't hurt someone. It *is* what they're trying to
do. They *don't* want to hurt someone. But when humans have a need
and can't figure out more principled ways of meeting it, humans often
start tossing out the principles. Even the most peaceful mom is
likely to kill someone to protect her kids if she's backed into a
corner and can't figure another way.
Help you kids not feel backed into corner. Give them escape route.
Give them the confidence that you will help them.
I think one of the biggest problems with rules is they're used as
substitutes for being there. It's like the parents are handing the
child a bit of themselves and telling the child to obey it. It's like
remote control parenting.
There isn't a substitute for being there. A great deal of
conventional parenting is reactive: responding to problems. Mindful
parenting is about being aware of our kids and their needs and
responding before things escalate. (We can't be perfect but we can be
better!)
-Wow. That whole explanation was absolutely mind blowing for me. I had
never thought of rules as remote controlled parenting. I really do try to
be proactive giving each of the kids what they need or want, attention,
space, creative outlets, puzzles, games, on and on. It's actually quite
exhausting. lol.
Can you give us some examples of problems? It's a lot easier to
explain with real life examples.
Honestly the times that we(my DH and I) are having a hard time with are
running in the house, jumping on the bed, and bedtimes.
-
Ask yourself, "Who's going to die?"
http://sandradodd.com/yes
In addition to the good stuff on that page, there's a link to
"Always say yes. Or some form of yes."
http://sandradodd.com/joyce/yes
There's some other good stuff there, but read my response at:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/alwayssayyes.html
since I expanded it a bit when someone wrote to me about it.
Joyce
-Thank you so much for those links I have already read the first one, and am
off to read the others too.
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> When someone breaks one of the principles, how do you discipline?You can't break principles. You live them or not live them.
Principles aren't something you impose on someone. They're the parts
of a philosophy that help you decide if an action is in keeping with
your own personal philosophy.
You're having a hard time figuring this out because you're trying to
change your kids to make them behave differently. Use your own
principles to help them navigate the world. Help them get what they
want in ways that don't hurt someone. It *is* what they're trying to
do. They *don't* want to hurt someone. But when humans have a need
and can't figure out more principled ways of meeting it, humans often
start tossing out the principles. Even the most peaceful mom is
likely to kill someone to protect her kids if she's backed into a
corner and can't figure another way.
Help you kids not feel backed into corner. Give them escape route.
Give them the confidence that you will help them.
I think one of the biggest problems with rules is they're used as
substitutes for being there. It's like the parents are handing the
child a bit of themselves and telling the child to obey it. It's like
remote control parenting.
There isn't a substitute for being there. A great deal of
conventional parenting is reactive: responding to problems. Mindful
parenting is about being aware of our kids and their needs and
responding before things escalate. (We can't be perfect but we can be
better!)
-Wow. That whole explanation was absolutely mind blowing for me. I had
never thought of rules as remote controlled parenting. I really do try to
be proactive giving each of the kids what they need or want, attention,
space, creative outlets, puzzles, games, on and on. It's actually quite
exhausting. lol.
Can you give us some examples of problems? It's a lot easier to
explain with real life examples.
Honestly the times that we(my DH and I) are having a hard time with are
running in the house, jumping on the bed, and bedtimes.
-
> How in the world do I change my ways from rules-driven to principle-Don't toss out the rules so much as just say yes more.
> driven?
Ask yourself, "Who's going to die?"
http://sandradodd.com/yes
In addition to the good stuff on that page, there's a link to
"Always say yes. Or some form of yes."
http://sandradodd.com/joyce/yes
There's some other good stuff there, but read my response at:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/alwayssayyes.html
since I expanded it a bit when someone wrote to me about it.
Joyce
-Thank you so much for those links I have already read the first one, and am
off to read the others too.
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Manisha Kher
> As far as our rules go,I don't mean to be snarky, this is a genuine question.
>
> a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
>
> 1)no running in the house, and
> 2) no jumping on the bed.
>
> Let's just start with those.
Why do you have those rules? I suspect it has
something to do with safety. If so is it possible to
make it safe to run? How about providing a different
place to jump?
Our house has a layout such that you can run round in
a circle on the first floor. All children who come to
my place discover it immediately and running game
ensues. To have a no running rule in our house would
be a constant struggle. And so far no one has got
hurt.
Manisha
____________________________________________________________________________________
Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you
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Melissa Chevere
> As far as our rules go,I don't mean to be snarky, this is a genuine question.
>
> a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
>
> 1)no running in the house, and
> 2) no jumping on the bed.
>
> Let's just start with those.
Why do you have those rules? I suspect it has
something to do with safety. If so is it possible to
make it safe to run? How about providing a different
place to jump?
Our house has a layout such that you can run round in
a circle on the first floor. All children who come to
my place discover it immediately and running game
ensues. To have a no running rule in our house would
be a constant struggle. And so far no one has got
hurt.
Manisha
-It does have to do with safety. We moved from a larger house to a smaller
house and still have the large furniture that we purchased long ago. It's
really tight just to walk through, let alone run.
The kids room has a wall furnace that has sharp edges and many other toys
that they could fall on top of.
We have a park across the street and we go there almost everyday for running
and jumping purposes. We have been in a constant dialog with them about the
safety of the house and how it's different from the old house.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Melissa Chevere <turtlefly33@...>
-It does have to do with safety. We moved from a larger house to a
smaller
house and still have the large furniture that we purchased long ago.
It's
really tight just to walk through, let alone run.
-=-=-=-=-
But they're doing it right? So it's not impossible? <g>
-=-=-=-=-=-
The kids room has a wall furnace that has sharp edges and many other
toys
that they could fall on top of.
-=-=-
There are many things that can be used to "buffer" sharp corners. How
often have they run into corners or fallen on toys? How painful is
that? Would they be willing to keep a pathway to run safely?
-=-=-=-=-=-
We have a park across the street and we go there almost everyday for
running
and jumping purposes. We have been in a constant dialog with them
about the
safety of the house and how it's different from the old house.
-=-=-=-=-
The park is great---it's good to have that option.
If you're having a "constant dialogue" that's not working, it's time to
try something different.
Kids run---it's just one of the ways they get around.
The only *rule* we have here is no running around the pool. The pool
deck is made of brick---old ones. Some are missing (actual *holes*),
and most are uneven, at best. We also had to dig up two long areas to
replumb the pool last spring, so there are these long holes. We haven't
put a new deck in yet---it's on "The List." <g> It freaks me out to
have folks run---I just *know* I'll be cleaning up blood one day soon!
<G> But I explain to guests that it really bothers me---and why! I
usually have to ask them to walk several times 'cause it's not *normal*
for a child to *walk* anywhere! Most kids know that's the only thing I
freak about, so they tend to try to work with me on this. <g> A soon as
we have a new deck poured, I'll relax about it.
But that's a *huge* safety issue here. It follows our Safety
principle---and mine never run around the pool! It's just others I have
to worry about. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
From: Melissa Chevere <turtlefly33@...>
-It does have to do with safety. We moved from a larger house to a
smaller
house and still have the large furniture that we purchased long ago.
It's
really tight just to walk through, let alone run.
-=-=-=-=-
But they're doing it right? So it's not impossible? <g>
-=-=-=-=-=-
The kids room has a wall furnace that has sharp edges and many other
toys
that they could fall on top of.
-=-=-
There are many things that can be used to "buffer" sharp corners. How
often have they run into corners or fallen on toys? How painful is
that? Would they be willing to keep a pathway to run safely?
-=-=-=-=-=-
We have a park across the street and we go there almost everyday for
running
and jumping purposes. We have been in a constant dialog with them
about the
safety of the house and how it's different from the old house.
-=-=-=-=-
The park is great---it's good to have that option.
If you're having a "constant dialogue" that's not working, it's time to
try something different.
Kids run---it's just one of the ways they get around.
The only *rule* we have here is no running around the pool. The pool
deck is made of brick---old ones. Some are missing (actual *holes*),
and most are uneven, at best. We also had to dig up two long areas to
replumb the pool last spring, so there are these long holes. We haven't
put a new deck in yet---it's on "The List." <g> It freaks me out to
have folks run---I just *know* I'll be cleaning up blood one day soon!
<G> But I explain to guests that it really bothers me---and why! I
usually have to ask them to walk several times 'cause it's not *normal*
for a child to *walk* anywhere! Most kids know that's the only thing I
freak about, so they tend to try to work with me on this. <g> A soon as
we have a new deck poured, I'll relax about it.
But that's a *huge* safety issue here. It follows our Safety
principle---and mine never run around the pool! It's just others I have
to worry about. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 23, 2007, at 8:24 AM, Melissa Chevere wrote:
Think about it this way: You and and a friend are arguing over
something and you're both pretty mad. A woman comes by and doesn't
like the way you're arguing so she swoops in and tells you apologize
to each other and tells you that what you said made your friend
angry. So instead of yelling, she tells you to practice saying what
you have to say nicely.
Does that help you and your friend resolve your problem?
Wouldn't you be kinda pissed that some know-it-all came in and took
over, turning it into her agenda and pushing yours aside?
Basically what it is is some woman coming in turning your argument
into her personal vendetta against your style of argument, trying to
get you to conform to her standards.
Don't turn their argument into your problem with how their handling
it. Help them with *their* problem.
How about "No hitting. How can I help?" If they're too emotional,
call the one that was losing aside and have them tell you what
happened and help him figure out something better. But read at
Sandra's pages. She explains it much better since she had 3
passionate kids :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Well for example if one of my children decided to hit the other,It's well meant, but no.
> what do you
> do at that point? Go and talk to them? Ask what happened and give
> them
> feeling words to explain how they felt? Basically now, I ask them to
> apologize for hitting, but tell the other person that when they
> take their
> toy (for example) that makes them very sad and angry. Then I ask
> the other
> one to practice asking for the toy instead of just taking it, and
> then get a
> dialogue going, between them. Is that right?
Think about it this way: You and and a friend are arguing over
something and you're both pretty mad. A woman comes by and doesn't
like the way you're arguing so she swoops in and tells you apologize
to each other and tells you that what you said made your friend
angry. So instead of yelling, she tells you to practice saying what
you have to say nicely.
Does that help you and your friend resolve your problem?
Wouldn't you be kinda pissed that some know-it-all came in and took
over, turning it into her agenda and pushing yours aside?
Basically what it is is some woman coming in turning your argument
into her personal vendetta against your style of argument, trying to
get you to conform to her standards.
Don't turn their argument into your problem with how their handling
it. Help them with *their* problem.
How about "No hitting. How can I help?" If they're too emotional,
call the one that was losing aside and have them tell you what
happened and help him figure out something better. But read at
Sandra's pages. She explains it much better since she had 3
passionate kids :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
"There are many things that can be used to "buffer" sharp corners. How
often have they run into corners or fallen on toys? How painful is
that? Would they be willing to keep a pathway to run safely?"
That's the thing when they run in our new house they get hurt almost every
time. Each time I see them run especially since there is 3 of them (or
jump or whatever) I cringe~! I try to remind them about safety and how
different this house is to our old house.
"If you're having a "constant dialogue" that's not working, it's time to
try something different.
Kids run---it's just one of the ways they get around."
Should I start suggesting if they want to run that we should go outside and
run? I know they are kids and they are going to run, I am just so afraid of
20 stitches going into any of their heads~! (or any other part of their
bodies)
Is there a better way to get a 3 year old to understand?
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
often have they run into corners or fallen on toys? How painful is
that? Would they be willing to keep a pathway to run safely?"
That's the thing when they run in our new house they get hurt almost every
time. Each time I see them run especially since there is 3 of them (or
jump or whatever) I cringe~! I try to remind them about safety and how
different this house is to our old house.
"If you're having a "constant dialogue" that's not working, it's time to
try something different.
Kids run---it's just one of the ways they get around."
Should I start suggesting if they want to run that we should go outside and
run? I know they are kids and they are going to run, I am just so afraid of
20 stitches going into any of their heads~! (or any other part of their
bodies)
Is there a better way to get a 3 year old to understand?
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
"Wouldn't you be kinda pissed that some know-it-all came in and took
over, turning it into her agenda and pushing yours aside?"
Well yes indeed I would.
" Basically what it is is some woman coming in turning your argument
into her personal vendetta against your style of argument, trying to
get you to conform to her standards.
Don't turn their argument into your problem with how their handling
it. Help them with *their* problem."
WOW~! I have a long way to go, don't I?
"How about "No hitting. How can I help?" If they're too emotional,
call the one that was losing aside and have them tell you what
happened and help him figure out something better."
Wow. that's really simple. I'll try that.
"But read at
Sandra's pages. She explains it much better since she had 3
passionate kids :-)"
I will definitely do that. I have been reading there for the last 3 days
constantly. lol~! It seems like every time I scratch the surface of one
topic there are at least 10 others right underneath.
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
over, turning it into her agenda and pushing yours aside?"
Well yes indeed I would.
" Basically what it is is some woman coming in turning your argument
into her personal vendetta against your style of argument, trying to
get you to conform to her standards.
Don't turn their argument into your problem with how their handling
it. Help them with *their* problem."
WOW~! I have a long way to go, don't I?
"How about "No hitting. How can I help?" If they're too emotional,
call the one that was losing aside and have them tell you what
happened and help him figure out something better."
Wow. that's really simple. I'll try that.
"But read at
Sandra's pages. She explains it much better since she had 3
passionate kids :-)"
I will definitely do that. I have been reading there for the last 3 days
constantly. lol~! It seems like every time I scratch the surface of one
topic there are at least 10 others right underneath.
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Melissa Chevere <turtlefly33@...>
Well for example if one of my children decided to hit the other, what
do you
do at that point?
-=-=-=-=-
Try to be there *before* it escalates to hitting. Help them find other
ways to communicate. Help find ways to meet their needs before the
frustration sets in.
It'll take a while for them to catch on, but if you're consistently
there and helping them *through* things, they'll figure out how to work
together. They need help though!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Go and talk to them?
-=-=-=-=-
Well, ideally you're there talking with them *before*!
But apologizing for not being available when they needed you is a start.
-=-=-=-=-
Ask what happened and give them
feeling words to explain how they felt?
-=-=-=-=-
If you're there as things start to break down, you can talk about how
they *feel* not how they *felt* after the fact.
-=-=-=-
Basically now, I ask them to apologize for hitting,
-=-=-=-
Do you think they're truly sorry for what they did? Or do you think
they feel they got revenge?
-=-=-=-=-
but tell the other person that when they take their
toy (for example) that makes them very sad and angry.
-=-=-=-=-
Don't you think they know that?
-=-=-=-=-=-
Then I ask the other
one to practice asking for the toy instead of just taking it, and then
get a
dialogue going, between them. Is that right?
-=-=-=-=-
It's really about doing all that BEFORE it escalates. Help them to
dialogue before it becomes and issue. Not when they're angry and
frustrated.
-=-=-=-=-
find out how I could be different today~!
-=-=-=-=-=-
That's so sweet! <G> I'm glad you're working so hard!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
As far as our rules go,
a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
1)no running in the house, and
2) no jumping on the bed.
Let's just start with those.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Can you tell us why you have these rules?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
From: Melissa Chevere <turtlefly33@...>
Well for example if one of my children decided to hit the other, what
do you
do at that point?
-=-=-=-=-
Try to be there *before* it escalates to hitting. Help them find other
ways to communicate. Help find ways to meet their needs before the
frustration sets in.
It'll take a while for them to catch on, but if you're consistently
there and helping them *through* things, they'll figure out how to work
together. They need help though!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Go and talk to them?
-=-=-=-=-
Well, ideally you're there talking with them *before*!
But apologizing for not being available when they needed you is a start.
-=-=-=-=-
Ask what happened and give them
feeling words to explain how they felt?
-=-=-=-=-
If you're there as things start to break down, you can talk about how
they *feel* not how they *felt* after the fact.
-=-=-=-
Basically now, I ask them to apologize for hitting,
-=-=-=-
Do you think they're truly sorry for what they did? Or do you think
they feel they got revenge?
-=-=-=-=-
but tell the other person that when they take their
toy (for example) that makes them very sad and angry.
-=-=-=-=-
Don't you think they know that?
-=-=-=-=-=-
Then I ask the other
one to practice asking for the toy instead of just taking it, and then
get a
dialogue going, between them. Is that right?
-=-=-=-=-
It's really about doing all that BEFORE it escalates. Help them to
dialogue before it becomes and issue. Not when they're angry and
frustrated.
-=-=-=-=-
> But sometimes we grow so much when that happens!I agree. I was excited this morning to come and check my email to
>
> -=-=-==-
find out how I could be different today~!
-=-=-=-=-=-
That's so sweet! <G> I'm glad you're working so hard!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
As far as our rules go,
a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
1)no running in the house, and
2) no jumping on the bed.
Let's just start with those.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Can you tell us why you have these rules?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
[email protected]
Well for example if one of my children decided to hit the other, what do you
that many times?there wasn't a toy or something in there that they
really wanted, and decided that perhaps what they were really wanting
was *me.*
?
I figured this out after a few times of talking to them separately
and letting them tell me in great detail what happened, with me asking
things like "Well, what happened before that?" and "What?was it that
made you want to do that?"?but without making any judgments.? Then I'd
go back to the other and say "He said you did this.? Is that what
happened?? And if so, "Did he do something else before that?"?and go
back and forth as many times as necessary.? ?And I'd go into it
considering the possibility that both kids contributed
*something*?to?the conflict, and that both were doing their best and
neither were really all that happy about the way things worked out.?
But the idea would be just to get the story and let each kid completely
explain their side of it, not for the purpose of deciding who's fault
it was.??And I'd let them know that.?
?
And only *after* letting each kid have their complete say, would I
start suggesting that things could've been done differently
to?help?each of them get a better outcome.? At that point they were
*much* more willing to listen to my point of view, hear about anybody
else's feelings and consider suggestions for doing things differently
next time.?
?
But what was interesting is that it was often things like "He made
a stupid face at me" and "She pushed me" and "Yeah, but not that hard"
and it just escalated from there.? So when I'd get through it all, I
might say "Is it that?you guys bored?" and suggest I play a game with
them, or offer to do something fun with each of them separately, and
everything would be fine.? So it really, really helped when I made
an?effort to make myself more available, often just by choosing to?be
in the same room with them more.
?
Another little thing is that I'd try to use the word "what"
instead of "why" when I asked them about their behavior.? I read it
somewhere a while back and have used it ever since.??I've found that?it
sounds less accusatory and most people respond better to it.? So "What
was it that made you want to do that?" tends to go over?better than
"Why'd you do that?"?
?
Patty
?
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! - http://mail.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> do at that point? Go and talk to them? Ask what happened and give themWhen my kids were younger and would get into big fights, I found
> feeling words to explain how they felt? Basically now, I ask them to
> apologize for hitting, but tell the other person that when they take their
> toy (for example) that makes them very sad and angry. Then I ask the other
> one to practice asking for the toy instead of just taking it, and then get a
> dialogue going, between them. Is that right?
that many times?there wasn't a toy or something in there that they
really wanted, and decided that perhaps what they were really wanting
was *me.*
?
I figured this out after a few times of talking to them separately
and letting them tell me in great detail what happened, with me asking
things like "Well, what happened before that?" and "What?was it that
made you want to do that?"?but without making any judgments.? Then I'd
go back to the other and say "He said you did this.? Is that what
happened?? And if so, "Did he do something else before that?"?and go
back and forth as many times as necessary.? ?And I'd go into it
considering the possibility that both kids contributed
*something*?to?the conflict, and that both were doing their best and
neither were really all that happy about the way things worked out.?
But the idea would be just to get the story and let each kid completely
explain their side of it, not for the purpose of deciding who's fault
it was.??And I'd let them know that.?
?
And only *after* letting each kid have their complete say, would I
start suggesting that things could've been done differently
to?help?each of them get a better outcome.? At that point they were
*much* more willing to listen to my point of view, hear about anybody
else's feelings and consider suggestions for doing things differently
next time.?
?
But what was interesting is that it was often things like "He made
a stupid face at me" and "She pushed me" and "Yeah, but not that hard"
and it just escalated from there.? So when I'd get through it all, I
might say "Is it that?you guys bored?" and suggest I play a game with
them, or offer to do something fun with each of them separately, and
everything would be fine.? So it really, really helped when I made
an?effort to make myself more available, often just by choosing to?be
in the same room with them more.
?
Another little thing is that I'd try to use the word "what"
instead of "why" when I asked them about their behavior.? I read it
somewhere a while back and have used it ever since.??I've found that?it
sounds less accusatory and most people respond better to it.? So "What
was it that made you want to do that?" tends to go over?better than
"Why'd you do that?"?
?
Patty
?
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! - http://mail.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "Melissa Chevere"
<turtlefly33@...> wrote:
issue and are trying to "get" the kids to agree (and calling
that "understanding"). We're saying Wait a sec, Mom! Why is *that*
the way to fix the safety issue? Is there another option? Have you
asked any of the kids what they think? Not "how can y'all remember
to stop running and jumping" but "hey, I don't like it when y'all
get hurt - any ideas to change this?" And see what comes up.
Now, if you're kids aren't used to this kind of dialog and/or aren't
very verbal, you might not get much response the first time. That
doesn't mean your kids can't do it - all y'all just need some
practice problem solving together. So you may still need to find
some other options on your own.
Besides padding the corners, can you rearrange any of the furniture
so there is at least one "runway"? I know, it sounds kind of
whacked, but its *a* way to solve the problem (possibly). If not a
runway, is there a place they can run in circles? Can the bed be
move? Is there another piece of furniture they *can* jump on that
you can offer?
solution y'all come up with it may take lots and lots of reminders.
They're not trying to drive you crazy, they're kids and forget
things, especially new patterns of behavior. So remember to *remind*
them, not snap at them. Oh, I'm going to repeat that one bit for
emphasis:
They are not trying to drive you crazy.
Sometimes I forget that about my kids, so if you're anything like
me, you might want to write yourself a note ;)
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
<turtlefly33@...> wrote:
>> Is there a better way to get a 3 year old to understand?Part of the problem is that you've decided on The Way to fix the
issue and are trying to "get" the kids to agree (and calling
that "understanding"). We're saying Wait a sec, Mom! Why is *that*
the way to fix the safety issue? Is there another option? Have you
asked any of the kids what they think? Not "how can y'all remember
to stop running and jumping" but "hey, I don't like it when y'all
get hurt - any ideas to change this?" And see what comes up.
Now, if you're kids aren't used to this kind of dialog and/or aren't
very verbal, you might not get much response the first time. That
doesn't mean your kids can't do it - all y'all just need some
practice problem solving together. So you may still need to find
some other options on your own.
Besides padding the corners, can you rearrange any of the furniture
so there is at least one "runway"? I know, it sounds kind of
whacked, but its *a* way to solve the problem (possibly). If not a
runway, is there a place they can run in circles? Can the bed be
move? Is there another piece of furniture they *can* jump on that
you can offer?
> Should I start suggesting if they want to run that we should gooutside and
> run?That's a good idea, too. One thing to keep in mind is that whatever
solution y'all come up with it may take lots and lots of reminders.
They're not trying to drive you crazy, they're kids and forget
things, especially new patterns of behavior. So remember to *remind*
them, not snap at them. Oh, I'm going to repeat that one bit for
emphasis:
They are not trying to drive you crazy.
Sometimes I forget that about my kids, so if you're anything like
me, you might want to write yourself a note ;)
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
Nance Confer
unschoolingbasicsSo this is all a big change for them and you and it's not working. Yet.
Going to the park is nice but since kids, and other people, don't have set times during the day when they need to move freely, that doesn't actually solve the problem.
How about talking to the kids and admitting that this seemed like it would work but obviously it's just more hassle than it's worth. That some or all of this big furniture has to go and will go and they can help find replacement furniture, as budgets allow, and things may not look so pretty for a while as sharp corners are covered with foam/whatever and toys will be put in a better place and they can help figure out where that better place will be and could they please help you and all of them get settled into your new home.
Or something along those lines. Less about rules about not doing things. More about realizing what a big change this is and setting your new home up just the way you all want it and enjoying it!
Nance
-It does have to do with safety. We moved from a larger house to a smaller
house and still have the large furniture that we purchased long ago. It's
really tight just to walk through, let alone run.
The kids room has a wall furnace that has sharp edges and many other toys
that they could fall on top of.
We have a park across the street and we go there almost everyday for running
and jumping purposes. We have been in a constant dialog with them about the
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Going to the park is nice but since kids, and other people, don't have set times during the day when they need to move freely, that doesn't actually solve the problem.
How about talking to the kids and admitting that this seemed like it would work but obviously it's just more hassle than it's worth. That some or all of this big furniture has to go and will go and they can help find replacement furniture, as budgets allow, and things may not look so pretty for a while as sharp corners are covered with foam/whatever and toys will be put in a better place and they can help figure out where that better place will be and could they please help you and all of them get settled into your new home.
Or something along those lines. Less about rules about not doing things. More about realizing what a big change this is and setting your new home up just the way you all want it and enjoying it!
Nance
-It does have to do with safety. We moved from a larger house to a smaller
house and still have the large furniture that we purchased long ago. It's
really tight just to walk through, let alone run.
The kids room has a wall furnace that has sharp edges and many other toys
that they could fall on top of.
We have a park across the street and we go there almost everyday for running
and jumping purposes. We have been in a constant dialog with them about the
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
"When my kids were younger and would get into big fights, I found
that many times?there wasn't a toy or something in there that they
really wanted, and decided that perhaps what they were really wanting
was *me.*"
I have been working really hard the last couple days to be more available.
It's been great~!
"Another little thing is that I'd try to use the word "what"
instead of "why" when I asked them about their behavior.? I read it
somewhere a while back and have used it ever since.??I've found that?it
sounds less accusatory and most people respond better to it.? So "What
was it that made you want to do that?" tends to go over?better than
"Why'd you do that?"? "
That's a wonderful tip. I will just have to reword my thinking on a lot of
this stuff.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that many times?there wasn't a toy or something in there that they
really wanted, and decided that perhaps what they were really wanting
was *me.*"
I have been working really hard the last couple days to be more available.
It's been great~!
"Another little thing is that I'd try to use the word "what"
instead of "why" when I asked them about their behavior.? I read it
somewhere a while back and have used it ever since.??I've found that?it
sounds less accusatory and most people respond better to it.? So "What
was it that made you want to do that?" tends to go over?better than
"Why'd you do that?"? "
That's a wonderful tip. I will just have to reword my thinking on a lot of
this stuff.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
"Part of the problem is that you've decided on The Way to fix the
issue and are trying to "get" the kids to agree (and calling
that "understanding"). We're saying Wait a sec, Mom! Why is *that*
the way to fix the safety issue? Is there another option? Have you
asked any of the kids what they think? Not "how can y'all remember
to stop running and jumping" but "hey, I don't like it when y'all
get hurt - any ideas to change this?" And see what comes up."
I feel really dumb, but I didn't get this until just now... HELP them do
whatever it is that they want to do, but safely~! DUH~! Wow am I dense.
Oh, I'm going to repeat that one bit for
emphasis:
They are not trying to drive you crazy.
I had to lol at this one. I do really well most of the time just loving on
and loving spending time with my kiddos, there are only fleeting moments
when I feel that my joy has been stolen. I really do try to live and breath
joy and laughter and love and gratefulness. :) (although I do have my
faults)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
issue and are trying to "get" the kids to agree (and calling
that "understanding"). We're saying Wait a sec, Mom! Why is *that*
the way to fix the safety issue? Is there another option? Have you
asked any of the kids what they think? Not "how can y'all remember
to stop running and jumping" but "hey, I don't like it when y'all
get hurt - any ideas to change this?" And see what comes up."
I feel really dumb, but I didn't get this until just now... HELP them do
whatever it is that they want to do, but safely~! DUH~! Wow am I dense.
Oh, I'm going to repeat that one bit for
emphasis:
They are not trying to drive you crazy.
I had to lol at this one. I do really well most of the time just loving on
and loving spending time with my kiddos, there are only fleeting moments
when I feel that my joy has been stolen. I really do try to live and breath
joy and laughter and love and gratefulness. :) (although I do have my
faults)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
That some or all of this big furniture has to go and will go and they can
help find replacement furniture, as budgets allow, and things may not look
so pretty for a while as sharp corners are covered with foam/whatever and
toys will be put in a better place and they can help figure out where that
better place will be and could they please help you and all of them get
settled into your new home.
Or something along those lines. Less about rules about not doing things.
More about realizing what a big change this is and setting your new home up
just the way you all want it and enjoying it!
Nance
Thanks Nance. We've actually talked about replacing the furniture, we just
have to wait until tax return time. Maybe we can just replace the big couch
at christmas time and then do the rest later. I'll have to talk to DH about
that.
Thanks so much for your insight.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
help find replacement furniture, as budgets allow, and things may not look
so pretty for a while as sharp corners are covered with foam/whatever and
toys will be put in a better place and they can help figure out where that
better place will be and could they please help you and all of them get
settled into your new home.
Or something along those lines. Less about rules about not doing things.
More about realizing what a big change this is and setting your new home up
just the way you all want it and enjoying it!
Nance
Thanks Nance. We've actually talked about replacing the furniture, we just
have to wait until tax return time. Maybe we can just replace the big couch
at christmas time and then do the rest later. I'll have to talk to DH about
that.
Thanks so much for your insight.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Chevere
Try to be there *before* it escalates to hitting. Help them find other
ways to communicate. Help find ways to meet their needs before the
frustration sets in.
It'll take a while for them to catch on, but if you're consistently
there and helping them *through* things, they'll figure out how to work
together. They need help though!
I totally agree with this and am trying my best. The last 2 days have been
really awesome.
But apologizing for not being available when they needed you is a start.
I am just learning that it's okay to admit when I am wrong as a parent, and
apologize to my kids. I never had that as a child and still don't have that
as an adult (referring to my relationship with my parents)
As far as our rules go,
a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
1)no running in the house, and
2) no jumping on the bed.
Let's just start with those.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Can you tell us why you have these rules?
I think we already address this part, and I am now understanding many
different ways to address it.
This morning I popped in a tae bo video and then we watched some disney show
that was about dancing bunnies and I let them (trying not to grimmace, and
smiling and laughing the whole while) dance and spin and play with the
music. I just sat the couch cushons around and made sure that the baby
didn't get to wild. lol. We really had fun. It's been a while since I
watched cartoons with the kids; so I was surprised how much I laughed. :P
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ways to communicate. Help find ways to meet their needs before the
frustration sets in.
It'll take a while for them to catch on, but if you're consistently
there and helping them *through* things, they'll figure out how to work
together. They need help though!
I totally agree with this and am trying my best. The last 2 days have been
really awesome.
But apologizing for not being available when they needed you is a start.
I am just learning that it's okay to admit when I am wrong as a parent, and
apologize to my kids. I never had that as a child and still don't have that
as an adult (referring to my relationship with my parents)
As far as our rules go,
a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
1)no running in the house, and
2) no jumping on the bed.
Let's just start with those.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Can you tell us why you have these rules?
I think we already address this part, and I am now understanding many
different ways to address it.
This morning I popped in a tae bo video and then we watched some disney show
that was about dancing bunnies and I let them (trying not to grimmace, and
smiling and laughing the whole while) dance and spin and play with the
music. I just sat the couch cushons around and made sure that the baby
didn't get to wild. lol. We really had fun. It's been a while since I
watched cartoons with the kids; so I was surprised how much I laughed. :P
~Melissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wisdomalways5
--- In [email protected], Manisha Kher <m_kher@...>
wrote:
we live in an apartment we have quiet feet after 10pm (though not as
a hard fast rules but think about the neighbors).
Will they run into something that could break? Can you move those
items? Why are they running in the house? Chasing each other?
wanting something fast?
Bed jumping is a fave in our house as is jumping on the couch and
off the table and stools to the floor but we make landing pads out
of pillows nad blankets to make softer landings and to make it
quieter to the neighbors.
Will your beds break from jumping on? Is there a bed that would hold
up better and that be the jumping bed?
Julie
wrote:
>Why no running in the house? make it safe to run in the house. Since
>
> > As far as our rules go,
> >
> > a couple we are really having a hard time with are:
> >
> > 1)no running in the house, and
> > 2) no jumping on the bed.
> >
> > Let's just start with those.
>
we live in an apartment we have quiet feet after 10pm (though not as
a hard fast rules but think about the neighbors).
Will they run into something that could break? Can you move those
items? Why are they running in the house? Chasing each other?
wanting something fast?
Bed jumping is a fave in our house as is jumping on the couch and
off the table and stools to the floor but we make landing pads out
of pillows nad blankets to make softer landings and to make it
quieter to the neighbors.
Will your beds break from jumping on? Is there a bed that would hold
up better and that be the jumping bed?
Julie
Debra Rossing
> couple we are really having a hard time with are:Find times/places where they CAN run, and CAN jump - they are needing
>1)no running in the house, and
>2) no jumping on the bed.
these physical outlets and if they can't get them one way, they'll get
them another. For us, we've got a third hand couch and loveseat in the
living room, large sturdy bookshelves and entertainment center along the
walls (nothing small or light enough to tip easily) and that's it - lots
of space in the middle of the room (no end tables or coffee table or
anything like that - we have some small stackable plastic tables that
can be moved out of the way as needed - most breakables are up high
enough to be safe OR put away and only come out on limited occasions).
The way we figure it, another 10 years and DS will be grown (he's 9 now)
and not needing to bounce on the couch. Then, we'll get the nice
furniture and all. Just when the nice new furniture is starting to be
"old" in 5 or 10 years from then (15-20 years from now), the grandkids
will come along and the furniture will be in just the right state of
"oldness" for them to relax on and bounce. One of DS's favorite things
is flipping up and over the loveseat when it's away from the walls
(perpendicular and out in the room when we've got the Christmas tree up
- after a while, though, he wants the open space back so we move it back
out of the way once the tree is away). Nephew (he's 4 now) wanted to do
it too - but he was too small to manage it. So, we got DS' small step
stool and it was just right. We made sure to keep an eye on things for
safety (DS has become really good at adjusting his behaviors with
smaller people around - interesting since he's an only, no 'built in'
smaller people to practice with). And, this past weekend, we were at a
family holiday gathering in a VERY small place with MANY people (18
people in a space the size of about 20x10 - and that includes the
kitchenette area with table and chairs, an additional 6 ft long table, a
recliner, a sofa, a TV/entertainment center, and a pair of bookshelves -
it was VERY crowded). 16 adults, a 9 yr old, and a 4 yr old. When the
kids started getting antsy, I sat myself on the middle of the sofa and
nephew was given the go ahead to launch himself across the room (all 3
feet or so of floorspace) and leap onto me - I'd catch him, set him
down, and he'd go again. In between times, DS wanted to do the same but
we decided that since his mass was bigger than nephew's, the energy
resulting from it would likely push the couch around, so instead he'd
stand in front of me directly and jump up into the air and then onto me
(vertical instead of horizontal motion). After a couple dozen jumps,
nephew and DS were both playing quite happily and folks started saying
"Ok enough - leave her alone" to which I said "Nope, I'm fine" and we
continued. Eventually, both boys decided to just stop and snuggle up on
either side of me. The alternative was to rein them in to NO physical
activity and spend the day rule-ing and regulating and punishing them
for simply being energetic boys in a confined space. By giving them a
safe way to burn energy, we ended up with a much more comfortable time
for all (BTW what we were doing is something I've played with DS since
he was a toddler so I'm quite practiced in absorbing/deflecting the
energy to keep myself and the jumper safe - no bumped nose, noggins,
knees, etc)
We don't want bouncing on our bed - a lovely select comfort extra big
king - BUT we didn't make a "rule" about it. We discussed with DS
various aspects from OUR perspective (since we have a cape style house,
the ceiling angles to meet the wall over the bed - too short a distance
between head and hard popcorn textured surface; nightstands create
corner issues; lamps on said nightstands are breakable; etc) and
listened to HIS perspective on what he wanted to get out of bouncing on
the bed - and worked together to find ways to meet his needs AND our
needs. The thing with rules is that it creates a win/lose situation
while what we're working toward is win/win - as many needs as possible
get met one way or another. For us, that meant getting a mini
trampoline, an inflatable punching bag, and developing games that we
*could* safely play on/around the bed area that involve vigorous
activity *safely* (for instance, I sit on the edge of the bed and DS
runs across the room, safely cleared floor space, and tries to push me
over - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't, but either way, we get
some vigorous play going).
Deb
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
>Besides padding the corners, can you rearrange any of the furniture sothere is at least one "runway"?
Or can you sell some of the big furniture and get smaller pieces with
the proceeds or simply decide which piece is absolutely too huge and
just get rid of it and leave it at that to make space to move? Find a
friend's/relative's garage/basement/attic/whatever to store it in if
this is a temporary situation and you know already you'll want this
piece again in a year or three? It sounds like the things are getting in
the way of the people (you acknowledge that it's tight for the adults
too - so why not open up some space for everyone).
Deb
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-=-=-
I feel really dumb, but I didn't get this until just now... HELP them do
whatever it is that they want to do, but safely~! DUH~! Wow am I dense.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Please don't talk to yourself that way. Negative self talk does not help
anyone.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
Since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is
senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out
people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able to
learn whatever needs to be learned
� John Holt
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I feel really dumb, but I didn't get this until just now... HELP them do
whatever it is that they want to do, but safely~! DUH~! Wow am I dense.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Please don't talk to yourself that way. Negative self talk does not help
anyone.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
Since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is
senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out
people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able to
learn whatever needs to be learned
� John Holt
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Shannon Rizzo
These things that Meredith said reminded me of two great books (that I'll
mention below):
"Part of the problem is that you've decided on The Way to fix the
issue and are trying to "get" the kids to agree <snip>
They are not trying to drive you crazy."
The first statement brings to mind "The Explosive Child" that I believe has
been mentioned here before. I think the title is unfortunate in a way
because it may alienate those who (a) don't like labeling their children,
and (b) don't think it applies to them because their child is not explosive.
I found the book to be a real gem in regard to helping the parent shift
paradigms from "parent's way" to collaborative problem solving. It really
benefits everyone, not just parents of explosive children, as it's valuable
for all of us to develop the habit of solving problems instead of powering
through control struggles.
The second statement brings to ming "When Anger Hurts your Kids." Another
unfortunate title that may be off-putting to some. It has a wonderful
exercise to identify and chart your triggers - and a common trigger is that
"The kids are trying to drive me crazy/doing this to irritate me." It has
greatly helped me see that many of the things I get angry about are *my*
triggers and *my* issues and not those of my kids. It's wonderful to,
instead of reacting with anger, remember that "this is one of my triggers."
Just having that thought pop into my head begins to diffuse my irritation
and turn me toward unraveling that issue instead of blaming my kids. It
also really helped me prepare for *visiting grandparents* who may not share
our unschooling values. I was apprehensive about what I viewed as my dad's
increasing tendency toward getting irritated easily - then I shifted my
thinking to try to figure out some of his triggers ahead the visit. Boy,
that went a LONG way in helping us have a peaceful visit. I realized when
he gets worried about safety he reacts with anger, which is very common. I
made sure if we were playing or doing activities that would make him
anxious, that I stayed nearby so he didn't feel that he needed to be "on
alert." It took a load off of each of us.
Just sharing two good books,
Shannon
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.16.13/1167 - Release Date: 12/3/2007
12:20 PM
mention below):
"Part of the problem is that you've decided on The Way to fix the
issue and are trying to "get" the kids to agree <snip>
They are not trying to drive you crazy."
The first statement brings to mind "The Explosive Child" that I believe has
been mentioned here before. I think the title is unfortunate in a way
because it may alienate those who (a) don't like labeling their children,
and (b) don't think it applies to them because their child is not explosive.
I found the book to be a real gem in regard to helping the parent shift
paradigms from "parent's way" to collaborative problem solving. It really
benefits everyone, not just parents of explosive children, as it's valuable
for all of us to develop the habit of solving problems instead of powering
through control struggles.
The second statement brings to ming "When Anger Hurts your Kids." Another
unfortunate title that may be off-putting to some. It has a wonderful
exercise to identify and chart your triggers - and a common trigger is that
"The kids are trying to drive me crazy/doing this to irritate me." It has
greatly helped me see that many of the things I get angry about are *my*
triggers and *my* issues and not those of my kids. It's wonderful to,
instead of reacting with anger, remember that "this is one of my triggers."
Just having that thought pop into my head begins to diffuse my irritation
and turn me toward unraveling that issue instead of blaming my kids. It
also really helped me prepare for *visiting grandparents* who may not share
our unschooling values. I was apprehensive about what I viewed as my dad's
increasing tendency toward getting irritated easily - then I shifted my
thinking to try to figure out some of his triggers ahead the visit. Boy,
that went a LONG way in helping us have a peaceful visit. I realized when
he gets worried about safety he reacts with anger, which is very common. I
made sure if we were playing or doing activities that would make him
anxious, that I stayed nearby so he didn't feel that he needed to be "on
alert." It took a load off of each of us.
Just sharing two good books,
Shannon
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.16.13/1167 - Release Date: 12/3/2007
12:20 PM