Zoa Conner

Ok, so the discussion about swearing got me thinking - what do you all do to
facilitate your teens learning about sex and related things? My 14 year old
(boy) cousin has been talking (actually texting) me lots of sex questions
which I have been happily answering honestly. We have also talked about
drinking and drugs. I am sure we will move on to rock 'n roll soon ...

I was thinking of some great books that he could use - e.g. The Joy of Sex.
But his parents are very conventional and I am just not sure what their
response would be to me giving him a book about sex. Its not like I
encouraged him to go have sex - he'd already done that before we started
talking about it. But there is a lot of information he just doesn't have and
clearly needs...

So how do you all handle this sort of stuff at your house?
----------------
Zoa Conner, PhD
Physicist and Montessori Homeschooling Mother
zoaconner@...

wisdomalways5

I feel that if they can ask a question they deserve an honest answer
and discussion about what they want to know and stuff you also know.


--- In [email protected], Zoa Conner <zoaconner@...>
wrote:
>
> Ok, so the discussion about swearing got me thinking - what do you
all do to
> facilitate your teens learning about sex and related things? My 14
year old
> (boy) cousin has been talking (actually texting) me lots of sex
questions
> which I have been happily answering honestly. We have also talked
about
> drinking and drugs. I am sure we will move on to rock 'n roll
soon ...
>
> I was thinking of some great books that he could use - e.g. The
Joy of Sex.
> But his parents are very conventional and I am just not sure what
their
> response would be to me giving him a book about sex. Its not like I
> encouraged him to go have sex - he'd already done that before we
started
> talking about it. But there is a lot of information he just
doesn't have and
> clearly needs...
>
> So how do you all handle this sort of stuff at your house?
> ----------------
> Zoa Conner, PhD
> Physicist and Montessori Homeschooling Mother
> zoaconner@...
>

Melissa

Well, we talk about sex NOW, and the kids who are interested in our
family are 12 and 8 (although my seven year old is quite entranced
with the idea of a baby coming out of her vagina..."Well, doesn't it
HURT mama?" Um....some, I like to think my answer had more grace than
that. I'm hoping that Josh will be willing to attend one of Diana's
talks at the conference when he has more interest and less worry. We
have lots of kids though, and I think only Dan and Avari haven't
shown some interest in how it happens.

I think having the trusting relationship that's part of unschooling
helps so much. I just really appreciate that my oldest is 12 and asks
me not just physiological questions, but also questions about
emotions, morality, how to handle this that or the other. He knows
that I won't freak out, and I am going to give him good information,
as well as email him later with a thank you note and some URLs. Much
like you and your cousin.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (12), Breanna (10), Emily (8), Rachel (7), Sam (6), Dan
(4), and Avari Rose (19 months)

share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma



On Nov 19, 2007, at 8:36 PM, Zoa Conner wrote:

> Ok, so the discussion about swearing got me thinking - what do you
> all do to
> facilitate your teens learning about sex and related things? My 14
> year old
> (boy) cousin has been talking (actually texting) me lots of sex
> questions
> which I have been happily answering honestly. We have also talked
> about
> drinking and drugs. I am sure we will move on to rock 'n roll soon ...
>
> I was thinking of some great books that he could use - e.g. The Joy
> of Sex.
> But his parents are very conventional and I am just not sure what
> their
> response would be to me giving him a book about sex. Its not like I
> encouraged him to go have sex - he'd already done that before we
> started
> talking about it. But there is a lot of information he just doesn't
> have and
> clearly needs...
>
> So how do you all handle this sort of stuff at your house?
> ----------------
> Zoa Conner, PhD
> Physicist and Montessori Homeschooling Mother
> zoaconner@...
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

diana jenner

On Nov 19, 2007, at 8:36 PM, Zoa Conner wrote:

> > Ok, so the discussion about swearing got me thinking - what do you
> > all do to facilitate your teens learning about sex and related things?
> My 14
> > year old (boy) cousin has been talking (actually texting) me lots of sex
>
> > questions which I have been happily answering honestly. We have also
> talked
> > about drinking and drugs. I am sure we will move on to rock 'n roll soon
> ...
>







It is really an honor to be the one to whom kids come with these
conversations. This means (to me) the expectation and trust the information
will be whole and true. When relaying information I keep in mind: Personal
responsibility, Safety, Love, Trust, Safety, FUN, Safety, Responsibility,
Fun, Honesty, Safety, FUN. :) In something close to that order ;)

> > I was thinking of some great books that he could use - e.g. The Joy of
> Sex.
>



There is a fun series of books "What's Happening to
Me<https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_/002-8919334-0876818?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=what%27s+happening+to+me&x=0&y=0>"
which several teens thought were okay for parents to leave on their beds.
All (I met) who had these books offered, did read them. Playboy magazine's a
very intelligent men's magazine with not-very-explicit photographs. It's a
good one to have around or gift ;)

> > But his parents are very conventional and I am just not sure what
> > their response would be to me giving him a book about sex. Its not like
> I
> > encouraged him to go have sex - he'd already done that before we
> > started talking about it. But there is a lot of information he just
> doesn't
> > have and clearly needs...
>







My aunt was angry that I had given her 17 year old son a condom for his
glove box. I asked, do you provide him with auto insurance? By doing so, are
you *encouraging* him to crash his car? Think of it as sex insurance. I
don't necessarily want him to do it, I want him to be safe in case it
happens.

> > So how do you all handle this sort of stuff at your house?
>



Like everything else, with lots of matter-of-fact-ness and lots of laughs.
It's supposed to be FUN!
Hayden is just beginning to understand innuendo, double entendre and sexual
euphemisms, it's a really fun stage (I've heard other mothers proclaim it
"Fart Joke Stage"). It's amazing to witness this development of adult
understanding, without any of the weird, shadowy, secret thoughts that
always surrounded that topic for me as a kid.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Susan

> Well, we talk about sex NOW

YES! A woman I know recently said that she was going to need to have
"the big talk" with her son soon. Well, he's 13, so she's been
withholding information all this time because she was uncomfortable
talking about it. I guarantee he's definitely learned quite a bit from
other sources by this point. The big talk should have happened much
sooner. He might already be sexually active but she doesn't know
because she doesn't talk to him about sex at all. Maybe she just
prefers not to know.

A better option than waiting to have a big talk is to have lots and
lots of casual, everyday-type conversations about it the whole time
they are growing up. Start talking about it now, whenever it comes up
or a kid expresses an interest, no matter what age they are. Keep the
channels of communication open. Be honest. Don't belittle or shy away
from their interest.

A friend was telling me a story that involved a gay man and she
lowered her voice to a whisper because dd (8) was nearby. But dd
already knows what gay means. My friend said, "Oh, you talk with her
about that kind of thing?" Well, yeah! Over the course of many, many
conversations! Not a lot of info pouring in at once (unless that's
what she needs) but lots and lots of little discusses with honest,
straightforward info and back-and-forth casual chatting.

The other day we were watching the tv show Friends. After a moment of
dialog between the actors in which they discussed a romantic situation
she asked me, "Mom, what does sexual mean?" She knew it related to
sex, but wasn't sure how. I'm glad that she afraid to ask me or bring
up the subject. The more we talk about it, the easier it becomes and
the less discomfort I feel in discussing it. It is such a natural
thing, it's literally what makes life on our planet. So why treat it
as this big secretive topic??

A friend of hers is not allowed to say the word sex at all (and
related words like sexy are off limits, too). Apparently when she was
six she was fascinated with the subject and it freaked her parents
out. They dealt with it by ignoring her interest and forbidding her
from speaking about it. I wonder if she'll want to approach them with
questions later on when it really matters...

One of dd favorite movies is Marie Antoinette, which features several
scenes about how she couldn't get pregnant right away as expected
because her husband wouldn't sleep with her. DD pointed out that women
don't have to have sex to have a baby, which she knew from many prior
conversations (I think one started with her asking about how she could
have a baby if she didn't want to get married or if she fell in love
with a woman). And this time her observation led to a discussion about
medical procedures available today vs. what was customary back then.

Lots and lots of small conversations.

~ Susan

Ren Allen

~~A better option than waiting to have a big talk is to have lots and
lots of casual, everyday-type conversations about it the whole time
they are growing up.~~

Exactly!!
If sex is a natural part of life (and it is) then why would talk about
it be less than natural and why on earth would unschoolers keep it
quiet? It's all part of learning. I think parents need to GET really
comfortable in talking about sex if they want their children to be
open with them.

I can't say much without permission from the child I'd like to chat
about, but I can say that both my teens talk to me openly about an
assortment of topics around sex. Trevor has attended Diana's talk and
most recently he and his girlfriend and younger brother were at a
discussion hosted at a camp-out we attend with other home/unschooling
families and really enjoyed that. They covered sex and a variety of
interesting topics. It was facilitated openly so everyone could share
their opinions freely. I think those kind of discussions are so
wonderful and one of the reasons we like to gather with other unschoolers.

Trevor (17) is dating someone who is bi-sexual and very involved in
gay rights at her college campus. He's now gotten to attend some
events down there and watch a drag show. Having been on the edge of my
career as a makeup artist has also helped him learn about a variety of
issues and different segments of our society that people often don't
understand.

Sex has never been different than any other topic around here. The
result is children that ask me some pretty amazingly pointed questions
and tell me a lot about their thoughts/desires etc...
Do they tell me everything? I doubt it!! They have a right to privacy
and what they share is their business.

I love that we have open, non-judgemental adults in our lives that
they can trust if they want to talk with someone other than their
parents. I love that they feel comfortable in groups of adults, teens
etc...learning about these things.


Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Ren Allen

~~ Lots and lots of small conversations.~~

Yes, and at the level the child wants it.
My six year old has some questions but really doesn't want a lot of
detailed information yet. We've always thrown a bit of information out
and if the child asks more, we keep going. Just like with any other
topic, we take it as far as they want.

He had this misconception that when someone was kissing and hugging,
they were "sexing". We didn't try to correct him, but the kids would
say "that isn't sexing Jalen" once in a while.

He finally asked "what IS sex mom?"
I said "well, it's when people get naked together and love on each
other" which is pretty vague really. He said "OH" and then...
"when I'm a teenager.............."
and we're all waiting to hear what he's going to say, quite sure it's
going to be about sex when he's a teen!!
Nope.
"..........I'm going to beat my Zelda game all by myself."

We all started laughing because we were just sure it was going to be
about sex and he'd already shifted gears and moved on to video games.

Ren

asmb65

today vs. what was customary back then.
>
> Lots and lots of small conversations.
>
> ~ Susan
>

I agree wholeheartedly. My older boy watched his younger brother being
born. Both boys (now 6 and 3) have frequently been present while I've
changed menstrual pads and menstrual cups. They have known how they
came to be on this planet since they've known what the sun and the moon
are. As questions arise we answer them. They've never felt that there
are some things we're not allowed to talk about.

Wherever a parent is on their journey with parenting, I think it's
really important to not have some topics as taboo or reserved for an
older age. That doesn't mean that you volunteer all kinds of
information because you think it's "time". But rather if your children
ask about something or seem curious about something it's because for
some reason it's on their radar screen and they NEED to know the answer
and the answer should come from a reliable source, whomever or whatever
that is.

The other Susan