Re: [unschoolingbasics] Guidance without Guilt
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/18/2007 9:33:48 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
However, our 4-yo. tells her that she doesn't want to be
friends with her and hurts the 3-yo.s feelings. <<<<<<<<
Have you talked with your 4 YO about why it is she doesn't want to be
friends. It might be something really simple to help with. I would never push my
kids to be friends, or to play with someone or to share. That just isn't how
we work. But I might help her find words to express how she feels (once I
knew really how she felt, maybe she doesn't like how the girl dresses, or how
she plays with other children, maybe it is just as simple as she would rather
play with you, or would rather not play in that group setting) in a way
that doesn't hurt the other child's feelings, but still gets her point across.
KWIM.
Pam G
Our Blogs:
_http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/_ (http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/)
_http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/_
(http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/)
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
However, our 4-yo. tells her that she doesn't want to be
friends with her and hurts the 3-yo.s feelings. <<<<<<<<
Have you talked with your 4 YO about why it is she doesn't want to be
friends. It might be something really simple to help with. I would never push my
kids to be friends, or to play with someone or to share. That just isn't how
we work. But I might help her find words to express how she feels (once I
knew really how she felt, maybe she doesn't like how the girl dresses, or how
she plays with other children, maybe it is just as simple as she would rather
play with you, or would rather not play in that group setting) in a way
that doesn't hurt the other child's feelings, but still gets her point across.
KWIM.
Pam G
Our Blogs:
_http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/_ (http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/)
_http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/_
(http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/)
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marla B.
-
said "please use words" and she said", I did, but she doesn't listen."
LOL. I think that the 3-yo. just loves her and wants to be with her
all the time. This is too much for my 4-yo. I've spoken to the 3-yo.
about how my 4-yo. needs alone time and have tried to distract her,
but this only works on occassion.
I would never push my
that in this particular group, which we have been members of
for over 5 years, I do tend to feel pressured. Part of me wants to
leave the group, but my kid's and I have made some really wonderful
friends. None are radical unschoolers - not even close, but I still
feel the pros outweigh the cons at this moment. If only I could find
a group of radical unschoolers in our area - but I've tried without
success. The closest group is over 2 hours away and that just isn't
feasible right now (especially with gas prices - ugh!)
But I might help her find words to express how she feels (once I
I guess I'm still struggling with the tone and language of my
daughter. On occassion, calling the 3-yo. "stupid" and telling her
that she "hates" her. I try to tell her that she can express things
differently without namecalling, such as saying "I don't feel like
playing right now." But I feel that even this carries some of my
negative energy. If you have any ideas for how to deal with this, I'd
love to hear them.
>It's actually a little comical, but once she pushed the 3-yo. and I
> Have you talked with your 4 YO about why it is she doesn't want to be
> friends. It might be something really simple to help with.
said "please use words" and she said", I did, but she doesn't listen."
LOL. I think that the 3-yo. just loves her and wants to be with her
all the time. This is too much for my 4-yo. I've spoken to the 3-yo.
about how my 4-yo. needs alone time and have tried to distract her,
but this only works on occassion.
I would never push my
> kids to be friends, or to play with someone or to share.No I don't push my kids to be friends or share, either, but I know
that in this particular group, which we have been members of
for over 5 years, I do tend to feel pressured. Part of me wants to
leave the group, but my kid's and I have made some really wonderful
friends. None are radical unschoolers - not even close, but I still
feel the pros outweigh the cons at this moment. If only I could find
a group of radical unschoolers in our area - but I've tried without
success. The closest group is over 2 hours away and that just isn't
feasible right now (especially with gas prices - ugh!)
But I might help her find words to express how she feels (once I
> knew really how she felt, maybe she doesn't like how the girldresses, or how
> she plays with other children, maybe it is just as simple as shewould rather
> play with you, or would rather not play in that group setting) ina way
> that doesn't hurt the other child's feelings, but still gets herpoint across.
I guess I'm still struggling with the tone and language of my
daughter. On occassion, calling the 3-yo. "stupid" and telling her
that she "hates" her. I try to tell her that she can express things
differently without namecalling, such as saying "I don't feel like
playing right now." But I feel that even this carries some of my
negative energy. If you have any ideas for how to deal with this, I'd
love to hear them.
>http://www.aol.com
>
>
>
> Pam G
>
> Our Blogs:
> _http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/_ (http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/)
> _http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/_
> (http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/)
>
>
>
>
> ************************************** See what's new at
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/19/2007 9:19:44 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
I guess I'm still struggling with the tone and language of my
daughter. On occassion, calling the 3-yo. "stupid" and telling her
that she "hates" her. I try to tell her that she can express things
differently without namecalling, such as saying "I don't feel like
playing right now." But I feel that even this carries some of my
negative energy. If you have any ideas for how to deal with this, I'd
love to hear them.<<<<<<<<<<<
I personally would try helping her find words like you suggested (I don't
feel like playing right now) and help her practice those phrases before she goes
to the park.
My youngest had a period of time back along when he did not want to go to
park day because of a couple of children. It is hard to "get away" from those
children. You could try inviting families of your choosing over to your
house, for a play day or craft day or something. I know I have two children and
my oldest always wanted to go to the park, so I would have other alternatives
that my youngest liked to do, when he did not want to play. Like we would
bring books and I would read to him in the car or at the picnic tables. I
would bring DVDs and would sit in the car with him to watch them, etc. A couple
of times I would bring Art Trading Card stuff, everyone would get involved
in making their own so it wasn't a "cooperative" thing to do. So that he
would not feel the pressure to play and would not have to continually be asked to
play and why he didn't want to play etc.
I am sure there are other alternatives so that your one child can feel more
secure, and not have to use harsh words to get her point across. Remember to
validate her and let her know that it is fine to not want to play, she does
not have to play if she does not want to.
I know my youngest would resort to names like "stupid" if the other child
were persisting. KWIM. Like his frustration level was building, so having
things at the park that your daughter can do alone, or that comfort her, might
help with that frustration level. Have a way that she can let you know that
she is getting frustrated and needs help maybe.
Pam G
Our Blogs:
_http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/_ (http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/)
_http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/_
(http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/)
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
I guess I'm still struggling with the tone and language of my
daughter. On occassion, calling the 3-yo. "stupid" and telling her
that she "hates" her. I try to tell her that she can express things
differently without namecalling, such as saying "I don't feel like
playing right now." But I feel that even this carries some of my
negative energy. If you have any ideas for how to deal with this, I'd
love to hear them.<<<<<<<<<<<
I personally would try helping her find words like you suggested (I don't
feel like playing right now) and help her practice those phrases before she goes
to the park.
My youngest had a period of time back along when he did not want to go to
park day because of a couple of children. It is hard to "get away" from those
children. You could try inviting families of your choosing over to your
house, for a play day or craft day or something. I know I have two children and
my oldest always wanted to go to the park, so I would have other alternatives
that my youngest liked to do, when he did not want to play. Like we would
bring books and I would read to him in the car or at the picnic tables. I
would bring DVDs and would sit in the car with him to watch them, etc. A couple
of times I would bring Art Trading Card stuff, everyone would get involved
in making their own so it wasn't a "cooperative" thing to do. So that he
would not feel the pressure to play and would not have to continually be asked to
play and why he didn't want to play etc.
I am sure there are other alternatives so that your one child can feel more
secure, and not have to use harsh words to get her point across. Remember to
validate her and let her know that it is fine to not want to play, she does
not have to play if she does not want to.
I know my youngest would resort to names like "stupid" if the other child
were persisting. KWIM. Like his frustration level was building, so having
things at the park that your daughter can do alone, or that comfort her, might
help with that frustration level. Have a way that she can let you know that
she is getting frustrated and needs help maybe.
Pam G
Our Blogs:
_http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/_ (http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/)
_http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/_
(http://ourgreenerpastures.blogspot.com/)
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marla B.
Thanks, Pam. Those ideas are very helpful. I do struggle, because
the older one looks forward all week to playgroup day and the little
one loves her yoga class (but that might be because she doesn't have
to play with anyone - lol). But focusing more on giving her things
that she can just do on her own, as you suggested, is a great idea. I
do tell her that it is o.k. to not play with others or share if she
doesn't want to. I guess continuing to give her better words to use
is the second part. I just have to work on doing that part with
positive not negative energy (because I'm usually thinking negative
thoughts when I tell her).
Thanks again for some great suggestions!
Marla Mom to Amy (8 yo.) and Lily (4 yo.)
the older one looks forward all week to playgroup day and the little
one loves her yoga class (but that might be because she doesn't have
to play with anyone - lol). But focusing more on giving her things
that she can just do on her own, as you suggested, is a great idea. I
do tell her that it is o.k. to not play with others or share if she
doesn't want to. I guess continuing to give her better words to use
is the second part. I just have to work on doing that part with
positive not negative energy (because I'm usually thinking negative
thoughts when I tell her).
Thanks again for some great suggestions!
Marla Mom to Amy (8 yo.) and Lily (4 yo.)