Not gentle parents
caradove
I need a bit of insight and support.
Our family is mostly extrovert, noisy bunch. But what riddles me with
guilt and frustration is that nearly all the interactions are
aggressive, loud,argumentative.
I feel a complete absence of kindness, gentleness, even love. I have
tried to do the right things. Natural births, long term nursing co
sleeping, no school,etc. Went through a psychologically abusive
relationship when my first son was a baby and pregnant with second.
Early in current relationship Dh went through nervous breakdown,
depression and a short hospital stay from childhood issues, home and
boarding school.
I feel like gentle parenting does not come naturally. And getting
angry with DH all these years for his anger issues, even though he has
worked at it and is definitely miles better, doesn't help anything.
I am frustrated now that the children bicker, fight and sometimes hit
each other.But I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I feel like
we caused it, and can't turn back time. I am in tears here,this is
such a burden of guilt. That I have screwed up the children's ability
to be kind and thoughtful with each other by not having that in our
own married relationship.
We have been through some extremely stressful situations, including
my father in law evicting us from the home my husband built and moving
into a house that should probably have been condemned. We have worked
for six years to improve it, basics like no insulation, termites,
serious water damage, and have twice had 7ft floodwater in the
basement.Dh works full time but we get food stamps and money is too
tight for five kids and us.
Does anyone else struggle with guilt? What about the idea that your
children are well formed by what they experience early in life?
What can I do to turn around the children's fighting and hurting each
other?
Sorry if I am rambling, any support is welcome
Cara, mom to Ebhann 11, Isa 9, Krsangi 6, Dharani 4, Nila 17mnth.
Our family is mostly extrovert, noisy bunch. But what riddles me with
guilt and frustration is that nearly all the interactions are
aggressive, loud,argumentative.
I feel a complete absence of kindness, gentleness, even love. I have
tried to do the right things. Natural births, long term nursing co
sleeping, no school,etc. Went through a psychologically abusive
relationship when my first son was a baby and pregnant with second.
Early in current relationship Dh went through nervous breakdown,
depression and a short hospital stay from childhood issues, home and
boarding school.
I feel like gentle parenting does not come naturally. And getting
angry with DH all these years for his anger issues, even though he has
worked at it and is definitely miles better, doesn't help anything.
I am frustrated now that the children bicker, fight and sometimes hit
each other.But I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I feel like
we caused it, and can't turn back time. I am in tears here,this is
such a burden of guilt. That I have screwed up the children's ability
to be kind and thoughtful with each other by not having that in our
own married relationship.
We have been through some extremely stressful situations, including
my father in law evicting us from the home my husband built and moving
into a house that should probably have been condemned. We have worked
for six years to improve it, basics like no insulation, termites,
serious water damage, and have twice had 7ft floodwater in the
basement.Dh works full time but we get food stamps and money is too
tight for five kids and us.
Does anyone else struggle with guilt? What about the idea that your
children are well formed by what they experience early in life?
What can I do to turn around the children's fighting and hurting each
other?
Sorry if I am rambling, any support is welcome
Cara, mom to Ebhann 11, Isa 9, Krsangi 6, Dharani 4, Nila 17mnth.
Karen Buxcel
((Cara)),
All is well. Really and Truly.
You are not screwing up your kids. Kids fight, bicker and hit. Even kids
who come from the most absolute of Zen parents do it.
I've laid the same guilt trip on myself, too, when they are icky to each
other. "Oh, it must be because I'm so _______ (fill in the blank with
self-condemning word of choice).
It's not. What you *can* do, is LOOOOOVE the pieces out of them, even when
they're being mean to each other. Hold them, both, if there's a victim and
an aggressor, silently. Just hold them in your arms. No lecture, no
dissappointment, no wishing things were something they're not at that
moment. Just love them with your whole heart, especially when you feel like
you'd rather string them up by their toes.
It'll be ok.
Love *is* all you need...
Karen
http://www.thewildtribe.blogspot.com
--
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know
peace."
Jimi Hendrix
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
All is well. Really and Truly.
You are not screwing up your kids. Kids fight, bicker and hit. Even kids
who come from the most absolute of Zen parents do it.
I've laid the same guilt trip on myself, too, when they are icky to each
other. "Oh, it must be because I'm so _______ (fill in the blank with
self-condemning word of choice).
It's not. What you *can* do, is LOOOOOVE the pieces out of them, even when
they're being mean to each other. Hold them, both, if there's a victim and
an aggressor, silently. Just hold them in your arms. No lecture, no
dissappointment, no wishing things were something they're not at that
moment. Just love them with your whole heart, especially when you feel like
you'd rather string them up by their toes.
It'll be ok.
Love *is* all you need...
Karen
http://www.thewildtribe.blogspot.com
--
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know
peace."
Jimi Hendrix
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wisdomalways5
Lately me and the girls 4.5 and 3 have been more aggressive. Today I
said what is happening why are we hurting each other and not talking
about what we want? They looked at me like -- duhhhhhhhhhhh
I said ok- no more throwing things and hitting and punching and
biting and lets talk
they then proceeded to be "best friend" and wrestle with no pain
I like that someone said- everyone deserves to feel safe in their
own home-- I take it from there-- sometimes we rough house but
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay more attention.
--- In [email protected], "caradove" <caradove@...>
wrote:
said what is happening why are we hurting each other and not talking
about what we want? They looked at me like -- duhhhhhhhhhhh
I said ok- no more throwing things and hitting and punching and
biting and lets talk
they then proceeded to be "best friend" and wrestle with no pain
I like that someone said- everyone deserves to feel safe in their
own home-- I take it from there-- sometimes we rough house but
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay more attention.
--- In [email protected], "caradove" <caradove@...>
wrote:
>with
> I need a bit of insight and support.
> Our family is mostly extrovert, noisy bunch. But what riddles me
> guilt and frustration is that nearly all the interactions arehave
> aggressive, loud,argumentative.
>
> I feel a complete absence of kindness, gentleness, even love. I
> tried to do the right things. Natural births, long term nursing cosecond.
> sleeping, no school,etc. Went through a psychologically abusive
> relationship when my first son was a baby and pregnant with
> Early in current relationship Dh went through nervous breakdown,and
> depression and a short hospital stay from childhood issues, home
> boarding school.has
>
> I feel like gentle parenting does not come naturally. And getting
> angry with DH all these years for his anger issues, even though he
> worked at it and is definitely miles better, doesn't helpanything.
>hit
> I am frustrated now that the children bicker, fight and sometimes
> each other.But I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I feellike
> we caused it, and can't turn back time. I am in tears here,this isability
> such a burden of guilt. That I have screwed up the children's
> to be kind and thoughtful with each other by not having that inour
> own married relationship.including
>
> We have been through some extremely stressful situations,
> my father in law evicting us from the home my husband built andmoving
> into a house that should probably have been condemned. We haveworked
> for six years to improve it, basics like no insulation, termites,each
> serious water damage, and have twice had 7ft floodwater in the
> basement.Dh works full time but we get food stamps and money is too
> tight for five kids and us.
>
> Does anyone else struggle with guilt? What about the idea that your
> children are well formed by what they experience early in life?
> What can I do to turn around the children's fighting and hurting
> other?
>
> Sorry if I am rambling, any support is welcome
>
> Cara, mom to Ebhann 11, Isa 9, Krsangi 6, Dharani 4, Nila 17mnth.
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 13, 2007, at 1:09 PM, caradove wrote:
You can't go back and change yesterday. But you can make the next
moment better.
It's all we can *ever* do.
It might be an old chestnut and yet it's true: Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
We're always beginning from wherever we are. We can't begin anywhere
else!
love. Concentrate on the idea that everyone needs to feel safe in
their own home. Rather than making them adhere to that, make it a
family goal. Get their ideas. Help them work with their ideas and
revise their ideas. Add in your own ideas.
Pull each aside when their fighting and have them tell you what
happened. Ask what they could have done differently. One idea from
Sandra was to tell them there are three steps in solving problems.
1) Use words. If that doesn't work then:
2) Get an adult to help. If that doesn't work then:
3) You can hit.
;-) If they did hit she'd walk them through the steps to see where
the break down was. She talks about helping kids get along and does
it really well. Her site is a bit of an intentional rabbit warren but
you can begin here:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
and see where it leads.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> What about the idea that yourAnd?
> children are well formed by what they experience early in life?
You can't go back and change yesterday. But you can make the next
moment better.
It's all we can *ever* do.
It might be an old chestnut and yet it's true: Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
We're always beginning from wherever we are. We can't begin anywhere
else!
> What can I do to turn around the children's fighting and hurting eachOften times when kids are at their worst is when they need the most
> other?
love. Concentrate on the idea that everyone needs to feel safe in
their own home. Rather than making them adhere to that, make it a
family goal. Get their ideas. Help them work with their ideas and
revise their ideas. Add in your own ideas.
Pull each aside when their fighting and have them tell you what
happened. Ask what they could have done differently. One idea from
Sandra was to tell them there are three steps in solving problems.
1) Use words. If that doesn't work then:
2) Get an adult to help. If that doesn't work then:
3) You can hit.
;-) If they did hit she'd walk them through the steps to see where
the break down was. She talks about helping kids get along and does
it really well. Her site is a bit of an intentional rabbit warren but
you can begin here:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
and see where it leads.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Aryeh Winter-Card
Dear Cara,
Big hugs. Guilt doesn't help you or the situation. Give yourself a break and know that you have always done the best you could with the cards you were dealt and the knowledge and tools you possessed at the time. As for children being formed in early childhood - poppycock. Everyone can change at any point in their lives. Practical advice - make a book of positive aspects about you husband and each of your children. List everything you appreciate about them. Look for evidence of them being kind and or gentle with one another (I know at first you will have a hard time noticing them, but look carefully). If you pay more attention to the good things about your family, and increasingly less attention to what is wrong with them, you will soon find more to love about them.
And by the way - most children bicker, fight, and hit each other ocassionally, and most mothers find themselves wracked with guilt at some point in their lives - you are so not alone :)
Love,
Lisa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Big hugs. Guilt doesn't help you or the situation. Give yourself a break and know that you have always done the best you could with the cards you were dealt and the knowledge and tools you possessed at the time. As for children being formed in early childhood - poppycock. Everyone can change at any point in their lives. Practical advice - make a book of positive aspects about you husband and each of your children. List everything you appreciate about them. Look for evidence of them being kind and or gentle with one another (I know at first you will have a hard time noticing them, but look carefully). If you pay more attention to the good things about your family, and increasingly less attention to what is wrong with them, you will soon find more to love about them.
And by the way - most children bicker, fight, and hit each other ocassionally, and most mothers find themselves wracked with guilt at some point in their lives - you are so not alone :)
Love,
Lisa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/13/2007 5:26:24 P.M. Central Standard Time,
wisdom1133@... writes:
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wisdom1133@... writes:
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/13/2007 5:26:24 P.M. Central Standard Time,
wisdom1133@... writes:
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay
What "strategies" do some of you use when one child is hitting because he
feels he is not being heard? My two boys fight 90% of the day and I do feel it
is out of frustration for one or both of them. Thanks so much.
Susan
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wisdom1133@... writes:
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay
What "strategies" do some of you use when one child is hitting because he
feels he is not being heard? My two boys fight 90% of the day and I do feel it
is out of frustration for one or both of them. Thanks so much.
Susan
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robert Saxon
Cara,
One thing for you.
I have a 4.5 and an almost-6 YO. As far as my own example to my kids,
yes, I mess it up. BUT they let me have "do-overs." They forgive me
and let me try again, even when I have to yell, "REWIND!" and leave
the room, come back in, and act as if the past 5 minutes never
happened.
They also let me apologize after the fact.
And yes, we go through guilt. You are not alone.
--Rob
DH to Seana for 10 years (almost 11!)
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.5) and Genevieve (almost 6!)
One thing for you.
I have a 4.5 and an almost-6 YO. As far as my own example to my kids,
yes, I mess it up. BUT they let me have "do-overs." They forgive me
and let me try again, even when I have to yell, "REWIND!" and leave
the room, come back in, and act as if the past 5 minutes never
happened.
They also let me apologize after the fact.
And yes, we go through guilt. You are not alone.
--Rob
DH to Seana for 10 years (almost 11!)
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.5) and Genevieve (almost 6!)
diana jenner
On Nov 15, 2007 12:48 PM, Robert Saxon <TheSaxons@...> wrote:
institute it, I think :D
Sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of a tirade ~stop~ and fire
myself on the spot; I'd leave the room and come back in as "the nice lady
your mom sent in to take care of you while she freaks out over there" ~ we
would laugh and laugh and they would let me have my job back :D Thanks for
sparking such fun memories!
though the words never seemed to have any real connection to my remorse.
It's a whole different ball game when you model sincere, heart-felt
apologies to your kids and they witness you taking a new path ~ apologizing
for the same thing over and over and not changing what leads to that place,
is a great sign that something (*you*) needs to change.
different set of ideas/ideals, a fresh perspective. Wallowing hurts more
than it's ever helped.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> they let me have "do-overs." They forgive meI loved this when my kids were little!! I need to cut myself a break and re
> and let me try again, even when I have to yell, "REWIND!" and leave
> the room, come back in, and act as if the past 5 minutes never
> happened.
>
institute it, I think :D
Sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of a tirade ~stop~ and fire
myself on the spot; I'd leave the room and come back in as "the nice lady
your mom sent in to take care of you while she freaks out over there" ~ we
would laugh and laugh and they would let me have my job back :D Thanks for
sparking such fun memories!
> They also let me apologize after the fact.This is another biggie. I was socialized young to immediately apologize,
>
though the words never seemed to have any real connection to my remorse.
It's a whole different ball game when you model sincere, heart-felt
apologies to your kids and they witness you taking a new path ~ apologizing
for the same thing over and over and not changing what leads to that place,
is a great sign that something (*you*) needs to change.
> And yes, we go through guilt. You are not alone.Guilt can serve purpose, it can spark a new path, a new approach, a
>
different set of ideas/ideals, a fresh perspective. Wallowing hurts more
than it's ever helped.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ENSEMBLE S-WAYNFORTH
My strategy is to be there more, playing with them, hanging out with them, being more involved. If Simon and Linnaea are having a harder time dealing with one another unto the point of anger, I up the amount of time that I am with them. I try and make sure that all their other needs are taken care of, they aren't hungry or thirsty or tired. I do that not by making them eat or sleep or drink, but by making eating and sleeping and drinking easy, by putting food and drink that they like in easy reach and helping them to find a nice movie to watch, or to lie down with me and listen to a story, if they want to, or something else calming that will help them to rest and relax. All of those things together seem to get rid of much of the tension that occurs in our house.
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
----- Original Message ----
From: "susdys@..." <susdys@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 15 November, 2007 4:12:26 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Not gentle parents
In a message dated 11/13/2007 5:26:24 P.M. Central Standard Time,
wisdom1133@... writes:
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay
What "strategies" do some of you use when one child is hitting because he
feels he is not being heard? My two boys fight 90% of the day and I do feel it
is out of frustration for one or both of them. Thanks so much.
Susan
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
----- Original Message ----
From: "susdys@..." <susdys@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 15 November, 2007 4:12:26 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Not gentle parents
In a message dated 11/13/2007 5:26:24 P.M. Central Standard Time,
wisdom1133@... writes:
hurting someone because you are not being heard is not ok-- that
falls on me to pay
What "strategies" do some of you use when one child is hitting because he
feels he is not being heard? My two boys fight 90% of the day and I do feel it
is out of frustration for one or both of them. Thanks so much.
Susan
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]