Lisa Heyman

Posted by: "Adrean Clark"
<mailto:adrean@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20video%20games> adrean@...
<http://profiles.yahoo.com/fuzzyellowduck> fuzzyellowduck

Sat Nov 3, 2007 6:32 pm (PST)

Right, but my boys are 8 and 4 years old (twins). At that time they were
about 6 and 2 years old. It is very difficult to reason with two very
young children.>>>>



LH: Well that's where I suggest you need to shift your attitude about young
children. I have found that they have much better reason than most adults
because their understanding of the world does not yet come from fear. Their
creative ideas are not limited by years of *experience* which box us in. If
you really listen to young children or watch an infant or prespeaking
toddler their reaction to the world is totally based on true reason of the
real moment. At least that is my experience of always unschooled children
- or children that have been totally respected. They are not, do not learn,
manipulation. They learn to honestly express themselves and have very
intuitive astute responses to every situation of the moment. Sounds like
you need to learn to listen better and appreciate your children's
intelligence.



<<Another thing I find hard to accept about video games is the culture of
violence. It does not sit right to tell kids not to hit each other and
to be cooperative when you're playing Kill Stuff In A Good Story IV?
Isn't that a contradiction?>>



LH: The violence in video games bothers me as well. And your right - by
telling kids not to hit each other or be cooperative will not be the reason
they learn how to "cooperate in a socially acceptable manner." They will
learn what behaviour mommy accepts and expects and that by following mommy's
rules they will get some of what they want and only an illusion of what they
need - love and respect. I think it's ok to share what makes you
uncomfortable but you cannot expect them to be uncomfortable with the same
things. What they may learn from your expression of your discomfort is that
it's ok to express their discomfort. When I am uncomfortable with behaviour
of folks I am with I will express it and ask for ideas what to do about it.
I've come to learn that what makes me uncomfortable is not what is making
others uncomfortable and as such it is I who needs to change my behaviour or
attitude. My kids love the physical rough housing with their father. It
makes me uncomfortable because I fear someone getting hurt (it happens).
They don't fear it even when it does happen. I have learned to leave the
room because at those times I am the only one uncomfortable.



<<Mind I'm not totally against games. I enjoy them and I have learned a
lot from some of them. The DS has some good games that I *might*
consider. Anything in life can be either good or bad, it is just how
you use it. I just feel that its my role as a parent to be there and
help consider good choices. >>



LH: As unschooling parents we learn that what we consider good or bad may
not be true for others. As unschooling parents we learn to trust our
children and respect their choices even if they are not the ones we would
make. Because ultimately they will make different choices than we do and
ultimately I don't want my kids to have to hide, run away, or lie to have
the freedom to make their own choices. And I want them to always be able to
make their own choices.



<<As we have limits on ourselves, so do they.>>



LH: There are organic limits, organic structure that occurs through all
choices. We have choices we make. So do they.



<<Someone mentioned is it right to give up something because it causes
grumpiness? If it made someone grumpy for my to pick my nose in front of
them, yes I would need to give that up to fit in with manners. It's
about compromising. >>



LH: Personally, I have always hated the word compromise. It implies that
someone or everyone in the resolution has to give up or compromise
something, a part of, their desires, goals, ideas, choices. It's been
argued that it's all a matter of semantics - but I don't agree. I think its
an important shift in navigating differences and coming to solutions to give
up on the idea of compromise and instead reach for solutions that work for
everyone. I know that exists and works. I know that if everyone is honored
in their needs and in an environment which fosters safe communication then
solutions will happen where everyone is getting their needs met and no one
compromises themselves. If you have not really done this before, then it
will take time to learn to renavigate forms on communication in your home.



For instance, using your example, you may be picking your nose because it is
stuffed and needs to be cleared. If it makes someone else uncomfortable (I
assuming that's what you meant by grumpy) and they express their discomfort
you have a choice. You can leave the room and clean your nose or you can
stay. Recognize that its not about *manners* as much as you having the
ability to make some one else more comfortable by leaving the room to clean
your nose and do so because you can and because you are being respectful to
the others sensibility. By shifting your perception of the situation you
are compromising nothing. In fact, you are honoring both yourself and the
other. BTW - another solution may simply be to get a tissue <G>. It is
perfectly acceptable to "blow one's nose" publically.



A better example might be: When my dd was about 4 and I wanted to go to the
pool for a swim and she didn't want to leave the house - the solution was to
take a bath together at home. What I recognized was that I just wanted to
be in water and she wanted to be at home. There was no sense of compromise
because we both got our needs met. If it was about the exercise I was
looking for I could have taken out my jumper and jumped at home. But it was
about being in water.



Lisa Heyman











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