Shannon Rizzo

I KNOW and respect that this is about my daughter and not me, but I'm
feeling really sad about this, so any guidance is appreciated.

My oldest daughter has been saying she wants to try school out. I am
committed to this being their journey and supporting what they want to do,
but I wish she didn't want to go! Two or three years ago she mentioned it
and I found a place that would let her visit for a day. It was amazing how
many schools I had to call before I found one that would let her visit. I
got a lot of "you can come on open house night" and I said she wanted to see
the class in action. One principal told me I could visit but not her, as
she might "see art on the walls and want that classroom and be disappointed
if she didn't get it." I said "She's the one in charge of her education,
why would I be the only one visiting?" Anyway, finally a school worked out
and she went for the day. It was a private school with four recesses,
catered lunch, ice cream snack after school - I fretted all day knowing she
would be nuts over it. She came home and said she didn't want to go back -
because she didn't want to get up early.

This time it seems different though. She started making noise about it when
we moved in July, and I know a big part of it is her having left all of her
friends. We also had a very traumatic pet loss that is still bringing us
grief, which I'm sure is a factor. I'm working hard on connecting down here
and making new friends, but you know it sometimes takes time to find the
right fit, especially when they are thinking of the friends left behind.
But also, she wants "lessons." She wants me to assign her lessons with
homework - we have never done any lessons as we've always unschooled, and I
think she wants to see what it's like. So of course I will accommodate
that.

I think she just wants to see what it's like, but I also worry that she will
want to continue. My husband is ambivalent about homeschooling; he
recognizes its advantages but also thinks school has advantages. It's
ironic because he didn't finish college, was an entrepreneur, thinks outside
the box, and is very successful. I'm sure my daughter has picked up his
vibes and it undermines my homeschooling/unschooling.

But also, I can tell that she would fit in really well at school - she makes
friends very easily, is a leader, I can totally see her thriving. It feels
selfish of me but I'm anticipating/hoping that her natural tendency to
master something quickly and then get bored easily, will manifest in school.
She also doesn't like to be told what to do (and rightly so), so I do think
that aspect of school will get old soon. I tell myself that if it does come
down to it, there are two-three charters around here that enable kids to go
to school 2 days a week while homeschooling the rest.

Have any of you had kids who were curious and/or really wanted to go to
school? How did you handle your personal feelings about institutionalized
learning while respecting their need to experience these things themselves?
I am trying to not take it personally (feel rejected and/or that I "failed"
in unschooling her) and see it as simply her curiosity and her path to walk,
but it's difficult.

Thanks
Shannon

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10:06 AM

hbmccarty

Hi Shannon-

My son(now 14) started talking quite a bit about going to school a
couple of years ago- I remember feeling really sad and angry, and it
took some time to get to a place where I could let it be only about him,
not me.

He has since participated in a high school musical and jazz band, and
while he enjoys those things, it is enough for now. He comments about
how the kids interact and how the band leader treats the kids, and I
don't think he would feel comfortable in that situation all day, though
a few hours is okay. I suggested he visit the school during the day, but
he was not interested.

I have made a huge effort to help him get involved in the home schooling
community- luckily there are many kids his age who share interests and
he does have that peer group he was curious about experiencing, with the
plus that the kids are generally easier to get along with.

Helping him make connections in the community with adults and older
teens that share interests has also really helped him remain interested
in life out of school. He most recently has said that he would be too
busy to go to school. Being plugged into things going outside of the
home has been increasingly important for him (music groups, friends,
apprenticeships, jobs, classes, magic tournaments, etc)- and school
doesn't at the moment seem like a very appealing option for that. We are
lucky to live in an area that has many options and many kind and
welcoming people who have invited him to participate in their work and
projects- it can take persistence- though at this point it really just
unfolds naturally.

It is so ironic- most people are talking about how to keep kids in
school( I just read an article in the local paper about dropout
factories), and here we are talking about how to keep them out!

Heather McCarty


Shannon Rizzo wrote:
> I KNOW and respect that this is about my daughter and not me, but I'm
> feeling really sad about this, so any guidance is appreciated.
>
> My oldest daughter has been saying she wants to try school out.

Genevieve

Shannon,
My oldest Daughter has been going to school for two months now, and
she loves the interaction with the kids and the teachers who are
respectful and treat her as I would expect someone who is employed and
paid by us and our tax dollars to teach our children. (that is, with
respect and understanding) She's been really lucky and all but one of
her teachers are confident enough in themselves to treat the kids with
respect. The hardest part for me is dealing with "problems" like just
last week when she was told by the principal that she couldn't come
back until she changed her hair color to something "normal" (she had
blue tips on her blonde hair as part of her halloween costume, but she
liked enough that we did it with the semi permanent dye) So her and I
discussed it and I told her I would talk to the principal for her if
she wanted because no where in the dress code did it say that kids
can't have blue or any other color hair, or she could just stay home,
or we could change it. In the end she decided she'd rather just change
it and so we made the tips white with white highlights and it looks
nice. The hardest part for me is feeling so protective, I'm ready to
jump any of the school establishment as soon as I feel they are
infringing on her rights. The hardest part for her is getting up in the
morning and I think that might be the reason she decides to stop and
come back home. If she deosn't want to get up, I remind her that she'll
have make up work (becasue I know my brain doesn't always think of
consequences when I'm just trying to eek out another 10 minutes of
sleep ;)) and some days she does stay home, on average one day every
other week she decides to stay home. SO far this hasn't been a problem
with the school, but I'm not sure how many days she can miss before
they start calling me and sending letters etc. Even then, she probably
wont care about it, it will be myself and my own anxiety. I don't know
if this helps at all, but I just thought I'd let you know my experience
so far.
Namaste,
Gen


--- In [email protected], "Shannon Rizzo" <shannon@...>
wrote:
>
> I KNOW and respect that this is about my daughter and not me, but I'm
> feeling really sad about this, so any guidance is appreciated.
>

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Shannon Rizzo"
<shannon@...> wrote:
>> But also, she wants "lessons." She wants me to assign her
lessons with
> homework - we have never done any lessons as we've always
unschooled, and I
> think she wants to see what it's like. So of course I will
accommodate
> that.

Another option is to look into getting her lessons - art or music or
karate or whatever. That may be enough of what she needs, right
there.

In any case, trying school or a class doesn't mean she needs to stay
there for the whole run of the class/semester/year. That's something
*you* (and dh) need to be okay with, especially if you are looking
at a private school. If your dd decides, eight weeks in, that she's
had enough, but you've signed a contract.... are there issues that
will bring up for you? For your dh? That's something to discuss with
her, if so. Would she be willing to try the public, knowing she can
leave any time, and maybe go for the private school next year?

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)

[email protected]

<<<Have any of you had kids who were curious and/or really wanted to go to
school? How did you handle your personal feelings about institutionalized
learning while respecting their need to experience these things themselves?>>>

My 12yo son Sam did go. He's much like you describe your daughter, confident
and usually makes friends easily. He had a lot of the same reasons, wanting
to see what it was like. I could relate because I tend to be curious and a
bit of a risk-taker, I think under the same circumstances it would've bothered
me not to *know* what I was missing. Yet of course, I also had feelings that
I had failed and that he was rejecting the path I'd chosen because I thought
it was so much better for him.

So he went to the local public school for 5th grade. And it was awful for me
at first, not because the school was so bad, but because it was relatively
"good," and much of what I'd told him didn't turn out to be true, and it was a
real shot to my credibility! LOL He *didn't* get a lot of homework, kids
were nice and there wasn't any bullying, and the teacher was fairly progressive
in that she didn't assign busywork but used more of a unit study approach
where they did projects to cover more than one subject. So he liked it...made
lots of friends, played soccer at recess, got elected class president, and talked
about how great it was and I really tried my best to be happy for him. My
daughter was still at home though, and completely happy with that choice, so
that helped. And I kept reminding myself that a lot of the damage that occurs in
school is because kids are there against their will.

So months went by, and by the time testing came around in the spring, the fun
started to drain away and the teacher's perky smile began to fade, and he'd
come home complaining more often. Once she threw away a piece of origami he
was working on (when he was supposed to be doing something "productive," she
said) and he came home in tears. I responded by "helpfully" emailing her a pile
of articles on the educational value of origami, and he felt better.

Then in June he started thinking he didn't want to go to 6th grade. He
wished he could just skip it and go to 7th, because he really wanted to know what
junior high was like. Well, since I had placed him low, he really was just old
enough to go to 7th, so I started making phone calls. Apparently it's not
something they do, except in "really rare circumstances" but I somehow managed
to convince them how rare our circumstances really were, reminding them that
he'd never opened a textbook before 5th grade, so why wouldn't he be able to
just walk into 7th the same way? His grades were good, but certainly not enough
to warrant acceleration to 7th grade. Ultimately I think it was because they
knew I was willing to pull him out and put him in "private school" at home and
they didn't want to lose money, so the principal and the teacher signed off
on it.

And then in the fall, after less than two weeks of junior high, he quit. WAY
too much homework, and the teachers were strict and disrespectful toward the
kids, and it was much harder to make friends with all that class switching and
no real recess. At first I found a part of myself wishing he'd stay, to
*prove* he could do it since I'd made the effort to get him there, then I realized
that was nuts and I was completely losing sight of the original goal. (And
fortunately, dh agreed.)

So now he's home and happy, and *knows* for himself that unschooling is
definitely better. (And my credibility has been restored. <g>)

Patty
















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frozenandcold

Hi Shannon! I haven't read all of the posts, due to lack of time
today, so forgive me if I repeat advice you have already been given.

My kids ages 15, 12, and almost 9 have basically been unschooled
their entire lives, with the exception of my oldest who we tried
curriculums with when he was very young but quickly through them
out.

Kev, my oldest, decided he wanted to give school a try this year
too. I was so sad at his decision but didn't say a whole lot,
besides any concerns I had for him. I supported him in his decision
because that is part of what unschooling is
about................TRUST. We trust them to know what they need,
when they need it.

Well, he is 2 1/2 months into school; it has been a mostly positive
experience for him but he thinks it is a BIG waste of time!! He has
no time for the things that are meaningful to him, the things that he
is really passionate about, and there is really no social life at
school like he thought there would be and for that reason he has
decided to not go to school next year. For whatever reason though he
is determined to stick it out the entire year. When I ask him why he
says so that he can say he did it. It's hard to watch him barely able
to wake up and grumble about how stupid it is as he joins the masses
but it is what he is CHOOSING to do so........ I would rather have
him say that he did it and he hated it than to blame me for a lost
experience that he felt he needed to have.

Some of his reasons initially for wanting to go to school were
because of the Japanese program they have at his school, he thought
it would enrich his social life, and a lot of his friends were
going. He was also just curious about what this thing called school,
er jail, was all about.

I think they are capable of figuring it out and they know with
unschooling parents they have a soft place to land and lots of
support AND the choice to come home when and if they want to. I
would let your daughter have that experience no matter how painful it
is to you.

Shannon Rizzo

Thanks for all of the answers. It is hard to not feel as if I have failed
somehow, but I also know that no matter how well I provide a great home
life, her curiosity is going to lead her to at least visit. I will save
these replies for when I need my own boost.

Thanks
Shannon


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10:06 AM



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asmb65

This thread has brought up a question for me. What do some of you say
to your kids (when they are little) about school? What do you think
is appropriate?

When my ds1 was really little and he found out about day cares, I
simply stated that he didn't have to go since either daddy or I was
always home with him. I've kind of framed school in the same way. He
doesn't have to go because I'm home. I've gone on to emphasize all
the fun and interesting things we get to do during the day together.
I feel that part of my emphasizing the good is my fear that he will
ask to go. He does go two afternoons a week to a Waldorf style
afternoon group run by a former Waldorf kindergarten teacher. He
really enjoys it but some days (like today) he says he doesn't want
to go so he stays home.

Susan

> And it was awful for me
> at first, not because the school was so bad, but because it was
relatively
> "good," and much of what I'd told him didn't turn out to be true,
and it was a
> real shot to my credibility! LOL He *didn't* get a lot of
homework, kids
> were nice and there wasn't any bullying, and the teacher was fairly
progressive
> in that she didn't assign busywork but used more of a unit study
approach
> where they did projects to cover more than one subject. <snip>
>
> Patty
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> ************************************** See what's new at
http://www.aol.com
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