Chilluns under 2
Heather
My boy is 18 months old. I recently made the decision to homeschool
him (probably unschool) and I have a few questions. I haven't found
much information on unschooling kids of his age. Even answering one
of them would be helpful.
I feel like he's been unschooling since birth and I just didn't know
it. But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.
What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
Do you think that TV is bad for a child of his age? Ours is on a lot
and I worry sometimes about that. I'm not so concerned about my 4 year
old, but I've heard that before two it can hurt their eyes and
development.
What are some awesome alternatives that you've found to saying, "NO!"
in a panicked voice when your little one is getting into something
dangerous? I try to divert his attention sometimes-- but I was
reading on Arun's blog about how distraction isn't always the answer.
Is distracting a baby to get them away from danger without having a
meltdown okay? I also do what I can to make sure there is no danger
there in the first place, of course.
Any info you can give me would be very appreciated.
him (probably unschool) and I have a few questions. I haven't found
much information on unschooling kids of his age. Even answering one
of them would be helpful.
I feel like he's been unschooling since birth and I just didn't know
it. But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.
What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
Do you think that TV is bad for a child of his age? Ours is on a lot
and I worry sometimes about that. I'm not so concerned about my 4 year
old, but I've heard that before two it can hurt their eyes and
development.
What are some awesome alternatives that you've found to saying, "NO!"
in a panicked voice when your little one is getting into something
dangerous? I try to divert his attention sometimes-- but I was
reading on Arun's blog about how distraction isn't always the answer.
Is distracting a baby to get them away from danger without having a
meltdown okay? I also do what I can to make sure there is no danger
there in the first place, of course.
Any info you can give me would be very appreciated.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 27, 2007, at 5:53 PM, Heather wrote:
seeing things. There was also a hands on museum we went to often.
Walks. Markers. Playground.
It's been 14 years but I do remember it being a frustrating time
since there didn't seem to be anything in particular that felt, as
you say, stimulating for her. I think it's the age.
It is very common at that age for kids to latch onto a particular
video or movie and watch it over and over and over, often multiple
times a day. It's just part of their stage of development.
latch onto the fear to protect their kids.
We've got a whole list full of families with bright happy children
who watched TV -- sometimes a lot of TV -- when they were younger. I
don't recall an inordinate number of unschooled kids at conferences
with glasses.
from crying about something that upset her. Grief is a natural and
needed part of life.
Distraction from something imminently dangerous is perfectly fine.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.We went shopping alot ;-) She was gentle and liked handling and
> What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
seeing things. There was also a hands on museum we went to often.
Walks. Markers. Playground.
It's been 14 years but I do remember it being a frustrating time
since there didn't seem to be anything in particular that felt, as
you say, stimulating for her. I think it's the age.
It is very common at that age for kids to latch onto a particular
video or movie and watch it over and over and over, often multiple
times a day. It's just part of their stage of development.
> Do you think that TV is bad for a child of his age?People say lots of things without it being true and moms want to
>
> but I've heard that before two it can hurt their eyes and
> development.
>
latch onto the fear to protect their kids.
We've got a whole list full of families with bright happy children
who watched TV -- sometimes a lot of TV -- when they were younger. I
don't recall an inordinate number of unschooled kids at conferences
with glasses.
> Is distracting a baby to get them away from danger without having aIf you read the article, he was using distraction to stop his child
> meltdown okay? I also do what I can to make sure there is no danger
> there in the first place, of course.
>
from crying about something that upset her. Grief is a natural and
needed part of life.
Distraction from something imminently dangerous is perfectly fine.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Carolyn
I loved the "hings to Do with Toddlers and Twos" by Karen Miller (and
her subsequent book, "More Things to Do with Toddlers and Twos").
They're older (mid 80s pub date), and not too "flashy" but have lots
of great, easy ideas for fun, quick things to do -- most of which
require no special purchases!
Carolyn Winkler
mama to Sabine (5.5) and Vivian (2)
wife to Bret (10 yrs)
wahoowinklers.blogspot.com
<snip>--- In [email protected], "Heather"
<rupestur@...> wrote:
her subsequent book, "More Things to Do with Toddlers and Twos").
They're older (mid 80s pub date), and not too "flashy" but have lots
of great, easy ideas for fun, quick things to do -- most of which
require no special purchases!
Carolyn Winkler
mama to Sabine (5.5) and Vivian (2)
wife to Bret (10 yrs)
wahoowinklers.blogspot.com
<snip>--- In [email protected], "Heather"
<rupestur@...> wrote:
>
> My boy is 18 months old. I recently made the decision to homeschool
> him (probably unschool) and I have a few questions. I haven't found
> much information on unschooling kids of his age. Even answering one
> of them would be helpful.
>
> I feel like he's been unschooling since birth and I just didn't know
> it. But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.
>
> What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
>
Heather
Thanks for the pointers, Joyce. It's nice to be assured that all the
TV isn't going to "rot his brain."
the same type of object-- baby food jar lids, crayons, rocks, etc. We
don't get out much as we're in the middle of nowhere with no
transportation. We go outside some and explore. We chase each other
around the house some. But we get really bored and cranky sometimes,
and it would help to hear some suggestions from the good folks here to
give me a fresh look.
I guess more than unschooling, I should be focusing on the attachment
parenting side of things... but it just seems he's so in the middle
right now! I know I can blend them together seamlessly. That's what
I like about radical unschooling, is that it is such a beautiful,
seamless continuation of AP.
something that I consider dangerous (a knife, a knitting needle) and I
have to pull it from his grasp or stop him from grabbing it at all, he
does express grief. Sometimes to distract him I wave something
around, do a funny dance, and he just looks at me like I've insulted
him, and keeps crying. Is it better to try to distract him away from
grief or to hold him tightly and let express it? Would validating his
emotions work? Do you think he would understand that at so young an age?
Thanks and stuff :D
Heather
TV isn't going to "rot his brain."
> It's been 14 years but I do remember it being a frustrating timeIt IS hard to find something stimulating. Right now he likes piles of
> since there didn't seem to be anything in particular that felt, as
> you say, stimulating for her. I think it's the age.
the same type of object-- baby food jar lids, crayons, rocks, etc. We
don't get out much as we're in the middle of nowhere with no
transportation. We go outside some and explore. We chase each other
around the house some. But we get really bored and cranky sometimes,
and it would help to hear some suggestions from the good folks here to
give me a fresh look.
I guess more than unschooling, I should be focusing on the attachment
parenting side of things... but it just seems he's so in the middle
right now! I know I can blend them together seamlessly. That's what
I like about radical unschooling, is that it is such a beautiful,
seamless continuation of AP.
> If you read the article, he was using distraction to stop his childThat's completely true. I was just thinking that when he wants
> from crying about something that upset her. Grief is a natural and
> needed part of life.
something that I consider dangerous (a knife, a knitting needle) and I
have to pull it from his grasp or stop him from grabbing it at all, he
does express grief. Sometimes to distract him I wave something
around, do a funny dance, and he just looks at me like I've insulted
him, and keeps crying. Is it better to try to distract him away from
grief or to hold him tightly and let express it? Would validating his
emotions work? Do you think he would understand that at so young an age?
Thanks and stuff :D
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian
On Oct 28, 2007, at 10:01 AM, Heather wrote:
You are making the items way more enticing (and increasing risk) by
pulling them away.
I've helped 2 year olds light matches, cut with sharp knives, cook on
the stove, swim in the swimming pool, and on and on. You make sure
they can do it safely.
Then you keep things out of reach that are dangerous for them to
handle without you.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> That's completely true. I was just thinking that when he wantsLittle kids can handle those things if you help them very carefully.
> something that I consider dangerous (a knife, a knitting needle) and I
> have to pull it from his grasp or stop him from grabbing it at all, he
> does express grief.
You are making the items way more enticing (and increasing risk) by
pulling them away.
I've helped 2 year olds light matches, cut with sharp knives, cook on
the stove, swim in the swimming pool, and on and on. You make sure
they can do it safely.
Then you keep things out of reach that are dangerous for them to
handle without you.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa
Well, my 23 month old has always been unschooled. It seems to me that the most
stimulating thing was ME. It doesn't matter what we do, but being with sister or me doing
ANYTHING was what she needed.
As for activities, she just gets carried along on all the big kids stuff. We just honor what
she needs to do on those visits to the zoo, museums and libraries. Hiking, climbing,
minigolf. But she's always loved tagging along in her sling.
As for TV, she's always had the TV on and seems just like the other kids. My six yo and
four yo, same thing. Eyes are genetic, and I have seen kids who never watch TV need
glasses, and those who watch all the time never need them. Our boys all have glasses now,
genetic from me...so I can skip the middle man and blame myself lol!
As for danger, it's so relative ;-) Not helpful, but I've done what you mentioned, minimized
dangerous things. Then reassessed what was dangerous. I've helped her with things that
are truly dangerous, and provided alternatives with things that are just out of my comfort
level. I always tell my kids not that something is 'too dangerous', but that it's out of my
comfort level and ask what we could do about it. They usually want to wait for dad, who's
coping is much higher than mine. One example I can think of, is using knives. To me,
those kid knives are so much more dangerous, they have to saw at anything outside of a
banana, so I was much more comfortable teaching her to use a serrated knife with me.
Part of it is her being number seven, without that I probably would have had more trouble
letting go. HTH some anyway,
Melissa
stimulating thing was ME. It doesn't matter what we do, but being with sister or me doing
ANYTHING was what she needed.
As for activities, she just gets carried along on all the big kids stuff. We just honor what
she needs to do on those visits to the zoo, museums and libraries. Hiking, climbing,
minigolf. But she's always loved tagging along in her sling.
As for TV, she's always had the TV on and seems just like the other kids. My six yo and
four yo, same thing. Eyes are genetic, and I have seen kids who never watch TV need
glasses, and those who watch all the time never need them. Our boys all have glasses now,
genetic from me...so I can skip the middle man and blame myself lol!
As for danger, it's so relative ;-) Not helpful, but I've done what you mentioned, minimized
dangerous things. Then reassessed what was dangerous. I've helped her with things that
are truly dangerous, and provided alternatives with things that are just out of my comfort
level. I always tell my kids not that something is 'too dangerous', but that it's out of my
comfort level and ask what we could do about it. They usually want to wait for dad, who's
coping is much higher than mine. One example I can think of, is using knives. To me,
those kid knives are so much more dangerous, they have to saw at anything outside of a
banana, so I was much more comfortable teaching her to use a serrated knife with me.
Part of it is her being number seven, without that I probably would have had more trouble
letting go. HTH some anyway,
Melissa
--- In [email protected], "Heather" <rupestur@...> wrote:
>
> Any info you can give me would be very appreciated.
>
Lisa
--- In [email protected], "Heather" <rupestur@...>
wrote:
him, "here let me show you how to use this." My girls were using
knives as soon as they were physically able to pick them up. As
curious human beings their intention is to do what people around them
are doing. Utilizing a knife is very much a part of my daily
existence and thus their intention to learn how to use the tool is
very much like learning to walk and talk. So many people were aghast
at my *allowing* my under 2yo to use a knife. But they never hurt
themself or anyone else because they wanted to learn to use it for
its intention - to cut something (not themself). My younger dd was a
competent wood carver at age 4.
My older dd still remembers with disgust when the waiter at Charlie
Browns removed the steak knife from her set up when she was younger.
How insulted she was that they should presume she couldn't use a
knife...i mean how was she supposed to eat her food - pick it up and
shove the whole thing in her mouth! We taught that waiter something
about possibilities and respect that afternoon.
Lisa Heyman
wrote:
> I was just thinking that when he wantsand I
> something that I consider dangerous (a knife, a knitting needle)
> have to pull it from his grasp or stop him from grabbing it at all,he
> does express grief.Heather - instead of pulling from his grasp perhaps you can say to
him, "here let me show you how to use this." My girls were using
knives as soon as they were physically able to pick them up. As
curious human beings their intention is to do what people around them
are doing. Utilizing a knife is very much a part of my daily
existence and thus their intention to learn how to use the tool is
very much like learning to walk and talk. So many people were aghast
at my *allowing* my under 2yo to use a knife. But they never hurt
themself or anyone else because they wanted to learn to use it for
its intention - to cut something (not themself). My younger dd was a
competent wood carver at age 4.
My older dd still remembers with disgust when the waiter at Charlie
Browns removed the steak knife from her set up when she was younger.
How insulted she was that they should presume she couldn't use a
knife...i mean how was she supposed to eat her food - pick it up and
shove the whole thing in her mouth! We taught that waiter something
about possibilities and respect that afternoon.
Lisa Heyman
guideforthree
> I feel like he's been unschooling since birth and I just didn't knowMy youngest is 2 1/2. Oh what a difference a year makes!
> it. But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.
>
> What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
>
Just remember toddlers love to immitate mommy and daddy. Think of the
things you use and do on a daily basis - reading, cleaning, cooking,
and yes, watching tv! These are the things your little one probably
wants to do. The items you use for your daily tasks can probably be
aquired in a smaller size - just be sure not to toy it down. My
daughter gets frustrated when a toy doesn't work like the real thing,
so I always try to make sure she has the real deal in a smaller size.
A small bucket of soapy water, a small scrub brush, and a dirty floor
give my girly great pleasure. Cutting bananas, cucumbers, etc, are
favorite activities, also. Glueing is also tons of fun. Rather than
turning your son loose with a bottle of glue, squeeze a small amount
into the bottom of a shot glass and give him a small lip gloss brush to
paint the glue on the paper. Don't forget play dough, paint, chalk,
etc. The key for this age is real practical living activities and
sensory experiences along with lots and lots of language.
Check out "Montessori From Birth" by Paula Polk Lillard. This book is
packed full of lots of ideas for activities for little ones, and it
helps you set up your house in such a way that all these things are
available for your little one to choose as he sees fit.
> Do you think that TV is bad for a child of his age? Ours is on a lotI have three kids. The oldest and youngest watched tv from a very
> and I worry sometimes about that. I'm not so concerned about my 4 year
> old, but I've heard that before two it can hurt their eyes and
> development.
>
young age. The middle one was sheltered from tv as a toddler (because
I had the same info you have). The youngest and oldest turned out to
be very precocious, while the middle one (the one with no tv) has a
developmental disabitily. Based on this experience, I feel I can
safely say that tv does not have a significant negative impact on
development. Dora the Explorer has actually helped my girly develop a
better understanding of counting and numbers.
Tina
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Heather <rupestur@...>
My boy is 18 months old. I recently made the decision to homeschool
him (probably unschool) and I have a few questions. I haven't found
much information on unschooling kids of his age. Even answering one
of them would be helpful.
-=-=-=-=
I'll recommend the yahoo group AlwaysUnschooled. It's for families
unschooling children under eight.
Many parents say they unschool their littlun; and then when the child
hits "school age," they toss him into school. So it's hard to accept
that those parents are actually unschooling (child isn't even of school
age). But there are many families who live an unschooling life---who
abide by unschooling principles even with young children. These are the
parents who would benefit from---and who are regular posters on---the
AlwaysUnschooled list.
-=-=-=-=-=-
I feel like he's been unschooling since birth and I just didn't know
it. But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.
-=-=-=-=-
He's been *learning* since birth (and probably before! <g>). But
*technically* he's not been unschooling. You may be living by
unschooling principles though.
-=-=-=-=-
What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
-=-=-=-
He's 18 months old. There's not much that isn't stimulating! <g> What
does he enjoy?
-=-=-=-=-
Do you think that TV is bad for a child of his age? Ours is on a lot
and I worry sometimes about that. I'm not so concerned about my 4 year
old, but I've heard that before two it can hurt their eyes and
development.
-=-=-=-=-
I don't think TV is bad for any age.
-=-=-=-=-
What are some awesome alternatives that you've found to saying, "NO!"
in a panicked voice when your little one is getting into something
dangerous?
-==-=-=-
Is it truly dangerous? If so, screaming NO! at the top of your lungs is
very effective! Why *wouldn't* you do that?
Or are you talking about things that *could* be *harmful*?
=-=-=-=-=-
I try to divert his attention sometimes-- but I was
reading on Arun's blog about how distraction isn't always the answer.
Is distracting a baby to get them away from danger without having a
meltdown okay? I also do what I can to make sure there is no danger
there in the first place, of course.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Can you give an example of "danger"---I'm not sure what you're
referring to.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
From: Heather <rupestur@...>
My boy is 18 months old. I recently made the decision to homeschool
him (probably unschool) and I have a few questions. I haven't found
much information on unschooling kids of his age. Even answering one
of them would be helpful.
-=-=-=-=
I'll recommend the yahoo group AlwaysUnschooled. It's for families
unschooling children under eight.
Many parents say they unschool their littlun; and then when the child
hits "school age," they toss him into school. So it's hard to accept
that those parents are actually unschooling (child isn't even of school
age). But there are many families who live an unschooling life---who
abide by unschooling principles even with young children. These are the
parents who would benefit from---and who are regular posters on---the
AlwaysUnschooled list.
-=-=-=-=-=-
I feel like he's been unschooling since birth and I just didn't know
it. But I was wondering what YOU do/did with a child under 2.
-=-=-=-=-
He's been *learning* since birth (and probably before! <g>). But
*technically* he's not been unschooling. You may be living by
unschooling principles though.
-=-=-=-=-
What kind of activities did you find to be really stimulating?
-=-=-=-
He's 18 months old. There's not much that isn't stimulating! <g> What
does he enjoy?
-=-=-=-=-
Do you think that TV is bad for a child of his age? Ours is on a lot
and I worry sometimes about that. I'm not so concerned about my 4 year
old, but I've heard that before two it can hurt their eyes and
development.
-=-=-=-=-
I don't think TV is bad for any age.
-=-=-=-=-
What are some awesome alternatives that you've found to saying, "NO!"
in a panicked voice when your little one is getting into something
dangerous?
-==-=-=-
Is it truly dangerous? If so, screaming NO! at the top of your lungs is
very effective! Why *wouldn't* you do that?
Or are you talking about things that *could* be *harmful*?
=-=-=-=-=-
I try to divert his attention sometimes-- but I was
reading on Arun's blog about how distraction isn't always the answer.
Is distracting a baby to get them away from danger without having a
meltdown okay? I also do what I can to make sure there is no danger
there in the first place, of course.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Can you give an example of "danger"---I'm not sure what you're
referring to.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
Heather
Firstly, thanks to everyone who responded! You guys have given me
good suggestions. I think I have started to relax and trust my own
instincts a lot just since I wrote this post. I've also realized that
hey, I'm doing a pretty good job! My son is happy and I've mellowed
out, and everything is going quite well.
Kelly wrote:
unschooling a child under 2 *means*, if it's not what I was already
doing. We color together, I let him scrub the floor with a wet rag
the other night (which he enjoyed to no end!), I give him balls of
yarn which he happily unravels like a kitten, his father and I are
very attentive and playful with him. We don't get out much, but any
more than we do is relatively impossible. Is it not unschooling
before you just start calling it that? Or do you mean he's too young
to be technically called unschooled? I feel like I'm REALLY missing
something here.
I will join the AlwaysUnschooled list as well, thanks for the suggestion.
something that we have failed to pick up-- a knitting needle,
something made of glass which he is banging on the tile floor, or
something jagged and boo-boo causing-- or he'll try to grab the plugs
in the outlets. We do make a HUGE effort to not leave those things
laying around, and to baby-proof the house, but there will be slip-ups
sometimes. It seems harsh to just yell "NO!" at him. Pam said that I
was making the items seem more enticing by taking them from him, which
is very true. I feel like yelling "NO" at him will also make them
more enticing, or sometimes he just bursts into tears and it's heart
wrenching! He's also been doing rather annoying things like banging
his juice cup into my monitor or the TV or my guitar (cringe!!!), and
it's quite funny to him when we try to stop him. This is where
distraction comes in, I'm guessing.
Another thing-- my husband and I differ on a couple of issues.
BooBear will climb up on the table and I'm fine with that if it's
cleared of things that could hurt him. But DH thinks that by letting
him do this that I am "encouraging him to climb on the table even when
there is stuff there that he doesn't need to get into." I sort of see
that, I guess, since I was pretty controlling like that with my little
girl. (DS is his first child, so he's a little nervous, I guess.)
I've heard people on this list say that they had a hard time getting
their little one to stop running in the road, but then they just let
them do it when it was safe, and they got bored with it soon. That's
how I think it works. It makes him happy to be on the table. I'm
preventing him from falling. I shouldn't tell him not to do it when
there is no harm. Right? I'm trying to NO AVAIL to get my hubby to
read up on some of this mindful parenting/unschool stuff, but he keeps
saying Boo Bear is just a baby, we don't need to worry about that yet.
I think we DO need to worry about it now! He's so impressionable now,
and I want to take the best path possible for him.
Anyway, I think that was the gist of my original post-- that I was
wondering if it's ::called:: unschooling when they are so small, and
if so, how people are going about doing that, and how that contrasts
with what I'm already doing. Just for curiosity's sake.
I know this was QUITE long-winded... but thanks everyone :D
Heather
http://embracingthestrange.blogspot.com
good suggestions. I think I have started to relax and trust my own
instincts a lot just since I wrote this post. I've also realized that
hey, I'm doing a pretty good job! My son is happy and I've mellowed
out, and everything is going quite well.
Kelly wrote:
> He's been *learning* since birth (and probably before! <g>). ButYeah, see this is where I hit the wall sometimes. I'm not sure what
> *technically* he's not been unschooling. You may be living by
> unschooling principles though.
unschooling a child under 2 *means*, if it's not what I was already
doing. We color together, I let him scrub the floor with a wet rag
the other night (which he enjoyed to no end!), I give him balls of
yarn which he happily unravels like a kitten, his father and I are
very attentive and playful with him. We don't get out much, but any
more than we do is relatively impossible. Is it not unschooling
before you just start calling it that? Or do you mean he's too young
to be technically called unschooled? I feel like I'm REALLY missing
something here.
I will join the AlwaysUnschooled list as well, thanks for the suggestion.
> Is it truly dangerous? If so, screaming NO! at the top of your lungs isYou're quite right-- I should be more specific. Sometimes he grabs
> very effective! Why *wouldn't* you do that?
>
> Or are you talking about things that *could* be *harmful*?
>
> Can you give an example of "danger"---I'm not sure what you're
> referring to.
>
>
something that we have failed to pick up-- a knitting needle,
something made of glass which he is banging on the tile floor, or
something jagged and boo-boo causing-- or he'll try to grab the plugs
in the outlets. We do make a HUGE effort to not leave those things
laying around, and to baby-proof the house, but there will be slip-ups
sometimes. It seems harsh to just yell "NO!" at him. Pam said that I
was making the items seem more enticing by taking them from him, which
is very true. I feel like yelling "NO" at him will also make them
more enticing, or sometimes he just bursts into tears and it's heart
wrenching! He's also been doing rather annoying things like banging
his juice cup into my monitor or the TV or my guitar (cringe!!!), and
it's quite funny to him when we try to stop him. This is where
distraction comes in, I'm guessing.
Another thing-- my husband and I differ on a couple of issues.
BooBear will climb up on the table and I'm fine with that if it's
cleared of things that could hurt him. But DH thinks that by letting
him do this that I am "encouraging him to climb on the table even when
there is stuff there that he doesn't need to get into." I sort of see
that, I guess, since I was pretty controlling like that with my little
girl. (DS is his first child, so he's a little nervous, I guess.)
I've heard people on this list say that they had a hard time getting
their little one to stop running in the road, but then they just let
them do it when it was safe, and they got bored with it soon. That's
how I think it works. It makes him happy to be on the table. I'm
preventing him from falling. I shouldn't tell him not to do it when
there is no harm. Right? I'm trying to NO AVAIL to get my hubby to
read up on some of this mindful parenting/unschool stuff, but he keeps
saying Boo Bear is just a baby, we don't need to worry about that yet.
I think we DO need to worry about it now! He's so impressionable now,
and I want to take the best path possible for him.
Anyway, I think that was the gist of my original post-- that I was
wondering if it's ::called:: unschooling when they are so small, and
if so, how people are going about doing that, and how that contrasts
with what I'm already doing. Just for curiosity's sake.
I know this was QUITE long-winded... but thanks everyone :D
Heather
http://embracingthestrange.blogspot.com
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Heather <rupestur@...>
Yeah, see this is where I hit the wall sometimes. I'm not sure what
unschooling a child under 2 *means*, if it's not what I was already
doing.
-=-=-==-
It doesn't mean much in terms of not being in school---he's just too
young. What you've been doing is basically what any parent of an under
two would do---playing with him and engaging with him. But by allowing
him freedom (within reason! <G>) and trusting and respecting him, even
at this very young age, you are setting up a loving
unschooling-friendly household already!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We color together, I let him scrub the floor with a wet rag
the other night (which he enjoyed to no end!), I give him balls of
yarn which he happily unravels like a kitten, his father and I are
very attentive and playful with him. We don't get out much, but any
more than we do is relatively impossible. Is it not unschooling
before you just start calling it that? Or do you mean he's too young
to be technically called unschooled? I feel like I'm REALLY missing
something here.
-=-=-=-=-
Right---he's not even school age. So how can he be unschooled if he
couldn't be schooled? <g>
It's more just attachment parenting, really. But you can start setting
up the environment (AND your attitude) for unschooling and simply
e-a-s-e into unschooling as a way of life without all the school
baggage that would come along in a few years.
Mnay parents say they're unschooling their toddlers. THen the toddlers
become preschoolers---still "unschooling"---but when the children
become school age, the parents send the kids to school. SO....were they
actually unschooling? or were they just playing with their toddlers and
realizing that they're learning all the time before they decide to send
them to school?
If you understand the philosophy, I think it's OK to say that you're
unschooling. If you're just doing what any parent of a toddler would do
but then cave and send him to school as soon as he is school age
because you think he needs "an education"---that's really just being
the parent of a toddler! <G>
-=-=-=-=-==
I will join the AlwaysUnschooled list as well, thanks for the
suggestion.
-=-=-=-
Yeah---Danielle and crew can help you see how to keep on doing what
you're doing as he grows.
-=-=-=-
Another thing-- my husband and I differ on a couple of issues.
BooBear will climb up on the table and I'm fine with that if it's
cleared of things that could hurt him. But DH thinks that by letting
him do this that I am "encouraging him to climb on the table even when
there is stuff there that he doesn't need to get into."
-=-=-=-=-=-
I think a lot of people think that, because toddlers don't speak, they
can't understand. Duncan *loved* to stand on tables---he liked being
"big." But, as you said, it's not always practical. But I would try to
make the area suitable for him if I could. I'd clear it and *say*, "Now
you may come on up!" If I couldn't (at Grandma's, decorated for
Christmas dinner, for example) I'd tell him that it wasn't possible
here now, but then we'd try to find somewhere more appropiate. Because
he knew I would help him stand and dance on tables when I could, he
didn't wang out when he couldn't. It wasn't long before he'd *ask* with
a questioning look or maybe "Table dance?" <g>
If they know that we will help them reach their goals whenever we
*can*, they're more liekly to agree *not* to when we really, really
can't. They're pretty reasonable when they know we're working *with*
them! <G>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I've heard people on this list say that they had a hard time getting
their little one to stop running in the road, but then they just let
them do it when it was safe, and they got bored with it soon.
-=-=-==-
Maybe on another list. I don't think *anyone* here has said that. What
has been said is that, when a parent says that playing in the street is
not safe,...well, that's a statement that's not necessarily true. If a
child can play in the street and not get hurt, was the parent *lying"*?
Mistaken? Being a control freak? When a child can prove the parent
wrong *once*, why shouldn't that child question everything the parent
says?
"Drugs kill"---or at least "drugs are dangerous." But then a friend of
the child's smokes weed and doesn't die, who's doing the lying? When
the child smokes weed and isn't harmed (but had a good time), why
should the child trust the parent's judgment?
Street's aren't necessariily dangerous. I used to play kickball on our
street. We would get out of the way when cars drove by. Kids *can* play
in streets. Sometimes they are safe. Sometimes they are not. Knowing
the difference is the important thing!
Sometimes tables are a great place to play. Sometimes they are not. <g>
Knowing that our moms will help us play up there when it *is* safe is
the important thing!
-=-=-=-=--
That's how I think it works. It makes him happy to be on the table.
I'm
preventing him from falling. I shouldn't tell him not to do it when
there is no harm. Right?
-=-=-=-=-=-
Help him understand *when* it's appropriate and when it's not.
-=-=-=-=-=
I'm trying to NO AVAIL to get my hubby to
read up on some of this mindful parenting/unschool stuff, but he keeps
saying Boo Bear is just a baby, we don't need to worry about that yet.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Ask him when it will be the "right" time. What's the magic age? Four?
five? nine? fifteen?
Seriously, he's *ALREADY* a parent. So a parent is what he already IS.
When does he think will be the right time to be a better parent?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I think we DO need to worry about it now! He's so impressionable now,
and I want to take the best path possible for him.
-=-=-=-=-
Parents only get one take---Childhood is NOT a dress rehearsal! THis is
the one chance you get to be the best parent to that child that you can
be. Why waste it?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Anyway, I think that was the gist of my original post-- that I was
wondering if it's ::called:: unschooling when they are so small, and
if so, how people are going about doing that, and how that contrasts
with what I'm already doing. Just for curiosity's sake.
-=-=-=-=-=-
At this age, it's probably best called mindful parenting---and that can
continue right on up until your child is a grandparent himself. That
way your husband doesn't have to wait until your child is school-age.
He's a parent *now*, so it's a good time to start being a mindful,
better one. Worry about the "unschooling" later! It'll happen (to
borrow from Joyce) as a side-effect of mindful parenting! <bwg>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
From: Heather <rupestur@...>
Yeah, see this is where I hit the wall sometimes. I'm not sure what
unschooling a child under 2 *means*, if it's not what I was already
doing.
-=-=-==-
It doesn't mean much in terms of not being in school---he's just too
young. What you've been doing is basically what any parent of an under
two would do---playing with him and engaging with him. But by allowing
him freedom (within reason! <G>) and trusting and respecting him, even
at this very young age, you are setting up a loving
unschooling-friendly household already!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We color together, I let him scrub the floor with a wet rag
the other night (which he enjoyed to no end!), I give him balls of
yarn which he happily unravels like a kitten, his father and I are
very attentive and playful with him. We don't get out much, but any
more than we do is relatively impossible. Is it not unschooling
before you just start calling it that? Or do you mean he's too young
to be technically called unschooled? I feel like I'm REALLY missing
something here.
-=-=-=-=-
Right---he's not even school age. So how can he be unschooled if he
couldn't be schooled? <g>
It's more just attachment parenting, really. But you can start setting
up the environment (AND your attitude) for unschooling and simply
e-a-s-e into unschooling as a way of life without all the school
baggage that would come along in a few years.
Mnay parents say they're unschooling their toddlers. THen the toddlers
become preschoolers---still "unschooling"---but when the children
become school age, the parents send the kids to school. SO....were they
actually unschooling? or were they just playing with their toddlers and
realizing that they're learning all the time before they decide to send
them to school?
If you understand the philosophy, I think it's OK to say that you're
unschooling. If you're just doing what any parent of a toddler would do
but then cave and send him to school as soon as he is school age
because you think he needs "an education"---that's really just being
the parent of a toddler! <G>
-=-=-=-=-==
I will join the AlwaysUnschooled list as well, thanks for the
suggestion.
-=-=-=-
Yeah---Danielle and crew can help you see how to keep on doing what
you're doing as he grows.
-=-=-=-
Another thing-- my husband and I differ on a couple of issues.
BooBear will climb up on the table and I'm fine with that if it's
cleared of things that could hurt him. But DH thinks that by letting
him do this that I am "encouraging him to climb on the table even when
there is stuff there that he doesn't need to get into."
-=-=-=-=-=-
I think a lot of people think that, because toddlers don't speak, they
can't understand. Duncan *loved* to stand on tables---he liked being
"big." But, as you said, it's not always practical. But I would try to
make the area suitable for him if I could. I'd clear it and *say*, "Now
you may come on up!" If I couldn't (at Grandma's, decorated for
Christmas dinner, for example) I'd tell him that it wasn't possible
here now, but then we'd try to find somewhere more appropiate. Because
he knew I would help him stand and dance on tables when I could, he
didn't wang out when he couldn't. It wasn't long before he'd *ask* with
a questioning look or maybe "Table dance?" <g>
If they know that we will help them reach their goals whenever we
*can*, they're more liekly to agree *not* to when we really, really
can't. They're pretty reasonable when they know we're working *with*
them! <G>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I've heard people on this list say that they had a hard time getting
their little one to stop running in the road, but then they just let
them do it when it was safe, and they got bored with it soon.
-=-=-==-
Maybe on another list. I don't think *anyone* here has said that. What
has been said is that, when a parent says that playing in the street is
not safe,...well, that's a statement that's not necessarily true. If a
child can play in the street and not get hurt, was the parent *lying"*?
Mistaken? Being a control freak? When a child can prove the parent
wrong *once*, why shouldn't that child question everything the parent
says?
"Drugs kill"---or at least "drugs are dangerous." But then a friend of
the child's smokes weed and doesn't die, who's doing the lying? When
the child smokes weed and isn't harmed (but had a good time), why
should the child trust the parent's judgment?
Street's aren't necessariily dangerous. I used to play kickball on our
street. We would get out of the way when cars drove by. Kids *can* play
in streets. Sometimes they are safe. Sometimes they are not. Knowing
the difference is the important thing!
Sometimes tables are a great place to play. Sometimes they are not. <g>
Knowing that our moms will help us play up there when it *is* safe is
the important thing!
-=-=-=-=--
That's how I think it works. It makes him happy to be on the table.
I'm
preventing him from falling. I shouldn't tell him not to do it when
there is no harm. Right?
-=-=-=-=-=-
Help him understand *when* it's appropriate and when it's not.
-=-=-=-=-=
I'm trying to NO AVAIL to get my hubby to
read up on some of this mindful parenting/unschool stuff, but he keeps
saying Boo Bear is just a baby, we don't need to worry about that yet.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Ask him when it will be the "right" time. What's the magic age? Four?
five? nine? fifteen?
Seriously, he's *ALREADY* a parent. So a parent is what he already IS.
When does he think will be the right time to be a better parent?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I think we DO need to worry about it now! He's so impressionable now,
and I want to take the best path possible for him.
-=-=-=-=-
Parents only get one take---Childhood is NOT a dress rehearsal! THis is
the one chance you get to be the best parent to that child that you can
be. Why waste it?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Anyway, I think that was the gist of my original post-- that I was
wondering if it's ::called:: unschooling when they are so small, and
if so, how people are going about doing that, and how that contrasts
with what I'm already doing. Just for curiosity's sake.
-=-=-=-=-=-
At this age, it's probably best called mindful parenting---and that can
continue right on up until your child is a grandparent himself. That
way your husband doesn't have to wait until your child is school-age.
He's a parent *now*, so it's a good time to start being a mindful,
better one. Worry about the "unschooling" later! It'll happen (to
borrow from Joyce) as a side-effect of mindful parenting! <bwg>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
Heather
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
definitely right, I should try to get DH involved by using the term
mindful parenting instead of unschooling. But I do think it's time to
worry about unschooling, because I also have a 4 year old dd from my
previous relationship, and he is having a seriously difficult time
with her. He's always having power struggles with her, and it's
driving me mad. If I ask her to do something (or not to do something)
and she says "NO," I normally try to work it out, when appropriate. A
lot of times I just let it go, if it's not causing anyone physical
harm. I'm trying to let go of my control freak impulses. But he
talks over me while I'm trying to problem-solve, saying, "NO, you
listen to your mother, you don't argue with her, you just do what she
says, ALWAYS, or [insert random threat here.]" He thinks he's
helping, but he's really taking us back a few steps each time he does
this. (I have started to tell him, "Look. I'm on it.") It's hard to
figure out where to begin with him. I try to email him links but he
never says whether or not he got them or checked them out. When I
talk to him he's pretty unresponsive. He has said a couple of things
that make me really think that we are just too different to do this
together.
Example: We were at his parent's house for dinner. DD was sitting on
her legs, then standing on her knees in the chair, not really eating,
sort of singing randomly, and we were trying to get her to settle into
the chair and eat something. She settles down but is still sitting on
one leg. He starts to tell her that she needs to sit down ALL THE
WAY. I said, "It doesn't matter, she's eating now," and he said, "I
know you're sitting there thinking that you have to pick your battles,
but what you don't understand is that you can pick them ALL, ALL the
time."
So. You know. Dang. What do you do with THAT?????
I hope I'm not making him out to be a monster, because our
relationship isn't all that bad. He fawns over his baby boy. He's
also been unemployed for almost a year and is really stressed about
where the next rent payment will come from.
It is very helpful to think in terms of mindful parenting. That will
hopefully help him deal better with DD. I am so tired of the
authoritarian vibe in my house! I will print some stuff out and put
it where I know he'll see it.
Heather
> At this age, it's probably best called mindful parenting---and that canThanks, Kelly. I think I'm understanding a little better. You are
> continue right on up until your child is a grandparent himself. That
> way your husband doesn't have to wait until your child is school-age.
> He's a parent *now*, so it's a good time to start being a mindful,
> better one. Worry about the "unschooling" later! It'll happen (to
> borrow from Joyce) as a side-effect of mindful parenting! <bwg>
>
>
> ~Kelly
definitely right, I should try to get DH involved by using the term
mindful parenting instead of unschooling. But I do think it's time to
worry about unschooling, because I also have a 4 year old dd from my
previous relationship, and he is having a seriously difficult time
with her. He's always having power struggles with her, and it's
driving me mad. If I ask her to do something (or not to do something)
and she says "NO," I normally try to work it out, when appropriate. A
lot of times I just let it go, if it's not causing anyone physical
harm. I'm trying to let go of my control freak impulses. But he
talks over me while I'm trying to problem-solve, saying, "NO, you
listen to your mother, you don't argue with her, you just do what she
says, ALWAYS, or [insert random threat here.]" He thinks he's
helping, but he's really taking us back a few steps each time he does
this. (I have started to tell him, "Look. I'm on it.") It's hard to
figure out where to begin with him. I try to email him links but he
never says whether or not he got them or checked them out. When I
talk to him he's pretty unresponsive. He has said a couple of things
that make me really think that we are just too different to do this
together.
Example: We were at his parent's house for dinner. DD was sitting on
her legs, then standing on her knees in the chair, not really eating,
sort of singing randomly, and we were trying to get her to settle into
the chair and eat something. She settles down but is still sitting on
one leg. He starts to tell her that she needs to sit down ALL THE
WAY. I said, "It doesn't matter, she's eating now," and he said, "I
know you're sitting there thinking that you have to pick your battles,
but what you don't understand is that you can pick them ALL, ALL the
time."
So. You know. Dang. What do you do with THAT?????
I hope I'm not making him out to be a monster, because our
relationship isn't all that bad. He fawns over his baby boy. He's
also been unemployed for almost a year and is really stressed about
where the next rent payment will come from.
It is very helpful to think in terms of mindful parenting. That will
hopefully help him deal better with DD. I am so tired of the
authoritarian vibe in my house! I will print some stuff out and put
it where I know he'll see it.
Heather
juillet727
--- In [email protected], "Heather" <rupestur@...> wrote:
Well, my first response would be, "well why would you want to?" What a
bummer of a life to be picking all the battles (of anything) all the time!
The other night my partner was super tired and woke up from an after
dinner spontaneous nap all grumpy. We had a few kids over and I could
tell he was feeling crowded and bugged by the video games and the
legos all over and stuff. He started directing the kids--the "why are
you still playing games? All these toys need to be cleaned up." etc.
he wanted ds to write a note to the tooth fairy because we lost the
tooth and he thought a note should be written. wtf?
So I took a breath and calmly talked to him pointing out how the kids
are just playing and "how important is it?" and why don't you just sit
and have a smoke and we can shut this door and visit with each other
for a while. And I listened to him about too much gaming and messy
house and how's our boy going to learn to write? and how we don't have
any schedules for laundry or dishes or dinner in our house and we
don't even brush our teeth everyday! And he brought up friends of our
son who have majorly scheduled lives who eat whatever's on the plate
in front of them and get dressed all by themselves etc etc. So I took
a turn and pointed out that those kids are have total problems
normally called "not listening" but it's more like they get no help
from their folks and it's the parents who aren't listening actually. I
said, here we have a boy who's really happy and trusts us and knows he
can depend on us. he wrote a letter to his friend when we sent them
some applesauce just the other day---of his own volition. I want him
to write when he wants to. He was so excited about his letter.
I told him that I won't do stuff that jeopardizes the current trust
and love that we have with our boy. It's not the traditional
scheduling that makes a healthy family unit. It's how respectful we
can be in each moment with each other. Really. It's a moment to moment
thing for us. Luckily my partner was awake enough by that time or saw
the light or whatever. We put the plastic bag under the pillow for the
tooth fairy and had a good rest of the night. And I made a mental note
of his work schedule and when to schedule play dates so dp is less
likely to get overwhelmed.
This is a little long...sorry. I've got to go...breakfast time.
~~Juillet
>===============
>He starts to tell her that she needs to sit down ALL THE
> WAY. I said, "It doesn't matter, she's eating now," and he said, "I
> know you're sitting there thinking that you have to pick your battles,
> but what you don't understand is that you can pick them ALL, ALL the
> time."
>
> So. You know. Dang. What do you do with THAT?????
Well, my first response would be, "well why would you want to?" What a
bummer of a life to be picking all the battles (of anything) all the time!
The other night my partner was super tired and woke up from an after
dinner spontaneous nap all grumpy. We had a few kids over and I could
tell he was feeling crowded and bugged by the video games and the
legos all over and stuff. He started directing the kids--the "why are
you still playing games? All these toys need to be cleaned up." etc.
he wanted ds to write a note to the tooth fairy because we lost the
tooth and he thought a note should be written. wtf?
So I took a breath and calmly talked to him pointing out how the kids
are just playing and "how important is it?" and why don't you just sit
and have a smoke and we can shut this door and visit with each other
for a while. And I listened to him about too much gaming and messy
house and how's our boy going to learn to write? and how we don't have
any schedules for laundry or dishes or dinner in our house and we
don't even brush our teeth everyday! And he brought up friends of our
son who have majorly scheduled lives who eat whatever's on the plate
in front of them and get dressed all by themselves etc etc. So I took
a turn and pointed out that those kids are have total problems
normally called "not listening" but it's more like they get no help
from their folks and it's the parents who aren't listening actually. I
said, here we have a boy who's really happy and trusts us and knows he
can depend on us. he wrote a letter to his friend when we sent them
some applesauce just the other day---of his own volition. I want him
to write when he wants to. He was so excited about his letter.
I told him that I won't do stuff that jeopardizes the current trust
and love that we have with our boy. It's not the traditional
scheduling that makes a healthy family unit. It's how respectful we
can be in each moment with each other. Really. It's a moment to moment
thing for us. Luckily my partner was awake enough by that time or saw
the light or whatever. We put the plastic bag under the pillow for the
tooth fairy and had a good rest of the night. And I made a mental note
of his work schedule and when to schedule play dates so dp is less
likely to get overwhelmed.
This is a little long...sorry. I've got to go...breakfast time.
~~Juillet
carenkh
Alfie Kohn has a DVD exploring the idea of unconditional parenting and
not using rewards and punishments. I haven't actually seen it, but
have heard parents on other lists say it's a good "intro" to mindful
parenting, especially if someone isn't likely to read articles or
visit websites:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/updvd.htm
You might see if you can get it through interlibrary loan -
Caren
not using rewards and punishments. I haven't actually seen it, but
have heard parents on other lists say it's a good "intro" to mindful
parenting, especially if someone isn't likely to read articles or
visit websites:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/updvd.htm
You might see if you can get it through interlibrary loan -
Caren
dana_burdick
It sounds like your husband is much stressed and wants to exercise
his power. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that he needs to
see himself as effective in some area. If he is frustrated with not
working and feels powerless in this way, this could be a big factor
in being tense all around.
figure out where to begin with him. I try to email him links but he
never says whether or not he got them or checked them out. When I
talk to him he's pretty unresponsive. He has said a couple of things
that make me really think that we are just too different to do this
together.
<
For goodness sakes, then stop sending stuff for him to read. My
husband would not read, discuss or ponder out loud anything with me
when it came to homeschooling or unschooling. The more I pushed with
articles and books and quotes, the more he shut down and the grumpier
he got. Ok, I didn't just push; I was some kind of fighter pilot on
a mission dropping bombs. I can only imagine my husband when he saw
me. Duck, cover incoming!!!
When I began applying the same principles of unschooling/mindful
parenting with my DH, only then did I see huge changes. Things like,
trust. Trust that he is doing his absolute best everyday. Trust
that he wants the absolute best for his child. Trust that he will
learn in time in HIS way. Model the absolute best parenting for
him. Be all the things you imagine you would like to see in him
without calling attention to it. He is probably copying the
parenting style that was modeled for him from his parents. Think of
modeling a new parenting style that he can consider. RELAX. Relax
when he falters and says something to your daughter that makes you
cringe. As Kelly Lovejoy says, consider that a `learning take'. In
those moments, give him as much compassion as you would give your
child. Don't put yourself in the middle as if you are some kind of
referee. Trust your daughter too. Children are made of tuff
stuff. She will let her dad know in one way or another that he
needs a different approach (She will also let him know when he is
doing the right things.) As much as we would like for things to be
perfect for our children, they can navigate this world just fine even
with a few bumps in the road. You will likely get there quicker
however, the more YOU trust, model and relax.
that make me really think that we are just too different to do this
together.
<
The things he says now when he is in a stressed state and perhaps
feeling a little under the microscope are unlikely to be the things
he would say if he felt more trusted. He may be quite aware of what
comments get under your skin. If so, it is just his way of
saying, "get off of my back, I'm trying to figure this thing out
here." I felt like ringing my DH's throat at times with some of the
things I heard him say. And yes, I had the same thoughts that maybe
we are just too different to do this together. Amazingly, all that
has changed now.
-Dana
his power. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that he needs to
see himself as effective in some area. If he is frustrated with not
working and feels powerless in this way, this could be a big factor
in being tense all around.
>It's hard to
figure out where to begin with him. I try to email him links but he
never says whether or not he got them or checked them out. When I
talk to him he's pretty unresponsive. He has said a couple of things
that make me really think that we are just too different to do this
together.
<
For goodness sakes, then stop sending stuff for him to read. My
husband would not read, discuss or ponder out loud anything with me
when it came to homeschooling or unschooling. The more I pushed with
articles and books and quotes, the more he shut down and the grumpier
he got. Ok, I didn't just push; I was some kind of fighter pilot on
a mission dropping bombs. I can only imagine my husband when he saw
me. Duck, cover incoming!!!
When I began applying the same principles of unschooling/mindful
parenting with my DH, only then did I see huge changes. Things like,
trust. Trust that he is doing his absolute best everyday. Trust
that he wants the absolute best for his child. Trust that he will
learn in time in HIS way. Model the absolute best parenting for
him. Be all the things you imagine you would like to see in him
without calling attention to it. He is probably copying the
parenting style that was modeled for him from his parents. Think of
modeling a new parenting style that he can consider. RELAX. Relax
when he falters and says something to your daughter that makes you
cringe. As Kelly Lovejoy says, consider that a `learning take'. In
those moments, give him as much compassion as you would give your
child. Don't put yourself in the middle as if you are some kind of
referee. Trust your daughter too. Children are made of tuff
stuff. She will let her dad know in one way or another that he
needs a different approach (She will also let him know when he is
doing the right things.) As much as we would like for things to be
perfect for our children, they can navigate this world just fine even
with a few bumps in the road. You will likely get there quicker
however, the more YOU trust, model and relax.
>He has said a couple of things
that make me really think that we are just too different to do this
together.
<
The things he says now when he is in a stressed state and perhaps
feeling a little under the microscope are unlikely to be the things
he would say if he felt more trusted. He may be quite aware of what
comments get under your skin. If so, it is just his way of
saying, "get off of my back, I'm trying to figure this thing out
here." I felt like ringing my DH's throat at times with some of the
things I heard him say. And yes, I had the same thoughts that maybe
we are just too different to do this together. Amazingly, all that
has changed now.
-Dana
Robert Saxon
My 2 cents.
Some of us dads (not all) have in the backs of our minds that our wives have
some secret agenda to "change" us. (And this is not something that we will
own up to if asked, so don't.) Whether or not this has any basis in reality
is beside the point. If your DH has this burr under his saddle, then IMHO
this makes Dana's answer even more important. Respect, trust, love. That
can soften some of the worst rough spots.
DW talks over ME. Irritates the bojangles out of me. Actually asked her if
she sometimes doesn't trust me to handle things. This kept the conversation
away from "I don't like the way you parent" and focused it on "Hey, we're
partners here. I get to do the parenting, too." I still have to remind her
in the moment sometimes that I'm handling things.
Being terse, sorry, gotta run, we're packing up today to head back home.
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 10 years (almost 11!)
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (almost 6!) and Elissa (4.5!)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Some of us dads (not all) have in the backs of our minds that our wives have
some secret agenda to "change" us. (And this is not something that we will
own up to if asked, so don't.) Whether or not this has any basis in reality
is beside the point. If your DH has this burr under his saddle, then IMHO
this makes Dana's answer even more important. Respect, trust, love. That
can soften some of the worst rough spots.
DW talks over ME. Irritates the bojangles out of me. Actually asked her if
she sometimes doesn't trust me to handle things. This kept the conversation
away from "I don't like the way you parent" and focused it on "Hey, we're
partners here. I get to do the parenting, too." I still have to remind her
in the moment sometimes that I'm handling things.
Being terse, sorry, gotta run, we're packing up today to head back home.
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 10 years (almost 11!)
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (almost 6!) and Elissa (4.5!)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heather
Thanks guys. I appreciate all the kind words of wisdom, and I'm
trying to change the way I deal with not only my kids but also my husband.
Dana-- I should point out that I've only sent him two emails. One
only had one link (to the Parenting Pit) and the other had a list of
John Holt's books so he could look them up on eBay for me (at his
request), and the link to my blog. He just doesn't ever want to
discuss parenting with me. I guess the only thing left to do is just
to lead by example. I am trying to put trust in him. It's easier to
think that my kids are doing their best. I KNOW that he ISN'T doing
his best, but I have shifted focus away from "He's not trying at all,"
to "Okay, he's trying some, that was definitely a sign of trying."
It's still hard when we're all in the same space and my daughter (his
stepdaughter) is just BEING A KID and he's saying, "No running no
jumping no singing no making ANY NOISE no playing around your brother
you're going to hurt him," etc. She just looks at me like, "What are
you going to do about this, Mom?" She's old enough to know what's up.
He does say things that he doesn't mean and I'm trying to keep that in
mind as well.
Robert-- He DOES think I'm trying to change him because he actually
told me that. It's funny to me since I feel like I've been very meek
in our relationship since the beginning. I think it was the prenatal
and postpartum depression. I feared many things, even my own husband.
I also know that he got some of the ways he deals with my daughter
from the horrible, horrible way I dealt with her before. It'll take a
long time to undo that damage.
trying to change the way I deal with not only my kids but also my husband.
Dana-- I should point out that I've only sent him two emails. One
only had one link (to the Parenting Pit) and the other had a list of
John Holt's books so he could look them up on eBay for me (at his
request), and the link to my blog. He just doesn't ever want to
discuss parenting with me. I guess the only thing left to do is just
to lead by example. I am trying to put trust in him. It's easier to
think that my kids are doing their best. I KNOW that he ISN'T doing
his best, but I have shifted focus away from "He's not trying at all,"
to "Okay, he's trying some, that was definitely a sign of trying."
It's still hard when we're all in the same space and my daughter (his
stepdaughter) is just BEING A KID and he's saying, "No running no
jumping no singing no making ANY NOISE no playing around your brother
you're going to hurt him," etc. She just looks at me like, "What are
you going to do about this, Mom?" She's old enough to know what's up.
He does say things that he doesn't mean and I'm trying to keep that in
mind as well.
Robert-- He DOES think I'm trying to change him because he actually
told me that. It's funny to me since I feel like I've been very meek
in our relationship since the beginning. I think it was the prenatal
and postpartum depression. I feared many things, even my own husband.
I also know that he got some of the ways he deals with my daughter
from the horrible, horrible way I dealt with her before. It'll take a
long time to undo that damage.