Tara Brinker-Cullen

I would love some advice on unschooling myself.

I have 2 children, aged 7 and 10. My eldest had a year of
kindergarten and that's it as far as brick and mortar schooling went.
We have tried some school-at-home curriculum but all hated it. I
have a pattern of unschooling, panic, school at home, unschooling,
panic, school at home....

We are in the unschooling stage again, my husband is very supportive
and I am having some realizations about what unschooling really means
that are both helpful and daunting.

The struggle I am having is with myself. I am in a bit of a fog I
can't seem to get out of. I struggle with my kids watching tv all the
time, but it is only because I can't find anything to do with myself.
Everything seems like such a chore. I'm missing the joy! It was
easier when I was focusing on the kids and convincing myself that if
they were "learning" then I was doing it right. I could point to it
and say "this is what I did today." Has anyone experienced this kind
of unschooling depression? I know I am a creative, inspired,
interesting person in there somewhere, I just can't seem to find it.
This go round with unschooling I have realized that you have to walk
the walk and set the example for it to work. But how do I do that? I
can't expect my kids to be engaged and interested if I can't even
manage to do it. I am kind of wondering if this is something that
other unschooling parents have experienced, or if I am just
garden-variety depressed.

-Tara

Melissa

I think what you said is really common, in light of most of us
spending our life in public schools. We've been taught that we have
to have a final product to have worth. Even worse, a final product
that is better than other peoples (an 'A', instead of a 'C', right?!)
It needs to be worthwhile....some beautiful work of art, some
impossible hard-to-knit sweater combo, a garden that could feed a
small town. That's one way I definitely felt, especially when we began.

Then I went through a phase where I was just not doing anything. Then
i tagged along with my kids and did their things. Now I'm involved in
my stuff and allowing me to have those interests. I spent some time
telling myself the same things I wouldn't say to my kids, such as
spending time of the computer was wasted time. But....but...I LOVE
the computer! I love typing something into google and finding a
million pages about whatever I typed. I love following links to URL
after URL after URL! Just because I didn't clean the kitchen doesn't
mean I'm addicted to the internet (does it?)
Slowly I'm readdressing all the stuff I missed from my
childhood...coloring, painting, play dough. Early on I tried to
legitimize this by getting the kids involved, but they didn't want
to! I had to let go of that and just allow myself to play. As I've
done that, I've evolved into the person I think I was meant to be.
I gotta go, Avari took my head and said, MOM! Play...play up and down!
Melissa
Mom to Josh (12), Breanna (10), Emily (8), Rachel (7), Sam (6), Dan
(4), and Avari Rose (19 months)

share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma



On Oct 24, 2007, at 2:55 PM, Tara Brinker-Cullen wrote:
>
> The struggle I am having is with myself. I am in a bit of a fog I
> can't seem to get out of. I struggle with my kids watching tv all the
> time, but it is only because I can't find anything to do with myself.
> Everything seems like such a chore. I'm missing the joy! It was
> easier when I was focusing on the kids and convincing myself that if
> they were "learning" then I was doing it right. I could point to it
> and say "this is what I did today." Has anyone experienced this kind
> of unschooling depression? I know I am a creative, inspired,
> interesting person in there somewhere, I just can't seem to find it.
> This go round with unschooling I have realized that you have to walk
> the walk and set the example for it to work. But how do I do that? I
> can't expect my kids to be engaged and interested if I can't even
> manage to do it. I am kind of wondering if this is something that
> other unschooling parents have experienced, or if I am just
> garden-variety depressed.
>
> -Tara
>
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Heather

But....but...I LOVE
> the computer! I love typing something into google and finding a
> million pages about whatever I typed. I love following links to URL
> after URL after URL! Just because I didn't clean the kitchen doesn't
> mean I'm addicted to the internet (does it?)

That is such a great point, Melissa. I will remember that the next
time I am beating myself up for educating myself through the internet.
I love it too, and as long as my kids' needs are being met, I see no
harm in reading blogs. After all, I'm really doing it for them in a
way. For one, they need a happy momma, and 2) I'm reading about how
to deal with THEM.

And Tara--

I have more hobbies and interests that I care to name. Currently my
favorite thing to do is knit while I read articles at the computer.
Not to throw off my interests on everyone else, but have you
considered learning to knit, or some other handcraft? It has opened
me up creatively, helped me get in tune with the repressed energy
inside. I used to plan and agonize over art projects. Knitting is
meditative, repetitive. Each stitch is like a record of that one
moment when it was created.

Just a thought :D

Heather
http://rupestur.blogspot.com
http://embracingthestrange.blogspot.com

courtlew3000

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I was afraid I was the only one in this boat.
We have been deschooling since about March of this year. I just have
so much doubt and fear and guilt. My son (7) had such a hard time at
school, homeschooling was the only realistic answer. I was in my last
semester of college and took some time off. I have been in school
pretty much my entire life (13 yrs of trad school and then 7+ yrs of
college) so now I have really no idea what to do with myself.
My existance revolved around school then my son. I have no idea what
my own passions are. I am even convinced what I went to school for
all those years isn't for me.
So I am reading about all these home/unschooled kids who do amazing
things (in recomended books) while I watch my son play PS2. Then I go
and watch some crappy tv show. It is rather depressing :)
I guess the issue is unschooling myself and how one goes about doing
so.
I hope I haven't come off negative or whatever. I have reservations
about posting to the groups because I am afraid I will come off the
wrong way. I have really enjoyed what the others in the group have
shared.
Thanks,
Courtney

--- In [email protected], "Tara Brinker-Cullen"
<tarabcullen@...> wrote:
>
> I would love some advice on unschooling myself.
>
> I have 2 children, aged 7 and 10. My eldest had a year of
> kindergarten and that's it as far as brick and mortar schooling
went.
> We have tried some school-at-home curriculum but all hated it. I
> have a pattern of unschooling, panic, school at home, unschooling,
> panic, school at home....
>
> We are in the unschooling stage again, my husband is very supportive
> and I am having some realizations about what unschooling really
means
> that are both helpful and daunting.
>
> The struggle I am having is with myself. I am in a bit of a fog I
> can't seem to get out of. I struggle with my kids watching tv all
the
> time, but it is only because I can't find anything to do with
myself.
> Everything seems like such a chore. I'm missing the joy! It was
> easier when I was focusing on the kids and convincing myself that if
> they were "learning" then I was doing it right. I could point to it
> and say "this is what I did today." Has anyone experienced this
kind
> of unschooling depression? I know I am a creative, inspired,
> interesting person in there somewhere, I just can't seem to find
it.
> This go round with unschooling I have realized that you have to walk
> the walk and set the example for it to work. But how do I do
that? I
> can't expect my kids to be engaged and interested if I can't even
> manage to do it. I am kind of wondering if this is something that
> other unschooling parents have experienced, or if I am just
> garden-variety depressed.
>
> -Tara
>

sharon currie

Hi Tara,

When me and son first start to de-school/ unschool


---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tara Brinker-Cullen

I, too, am afraid as coming off as a bit pathetic. But, I really feel
like this is part of the process of unschooling/deschooling.
Unschooling is more of a paradigm shift for me than I expected, and
I've always been a bit "fringe". I'm just hoping that someone who
made it through this transition can offer some insight, tips,
inspiration, commiseration, etc. There is a lot of talk about what
the kids go through, but honestly this feels like it is more about me
getting myself together, so that I can be the guide, facilitator,
example I want to be for my children.

Thanks for the responses and keep 'em comin'.

Peace,
Tara

Ren Allen

~~So I am reading about all these home/unschooled kids who do amazing
things (in recomended books) while I watch my son play PS2. Then I go
and watch some crappy tv show.~~

I think it will help you to see what is interesting him in the PS2
games and the "crappy" tv shows. Maybe just drop the judgement of
"crappy" all together. I'd hate to have my viewing choices labeled as
such. If we can find a way to connect with our children in ALL of
their interests, it will lead to amazing things. Mainly for us as
parents because kids are natural unschoolers, it's our minds that need
to change.

He IS doing amazing things. You just need to clear the debris from
eyes and mind to see it. Get into his world. He doesn't need to be
performing Shakespeare or learning a new language to be amazing.:)

My kids love video gaming and tv too.....it's just another part of a
full, rich life.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

lyeping2607

Hi Tara,

Pls ignore my first reply which was posted off accidently,
unfinished LOL!

You wrote:-

"The struggle I am having is with myself. I am in a bit of a fog I
can't seem to get out of. I struggle with my kids watching tv all the
time, but it is only because I can't find anything to do with myself.
Everything seems like such a chore. I'm missing the joy! It was
easier when I was focusing on the kids and convincing myself that if
they were "learning" then I was doing it right. I could point to it
and say "this is what I did today." Has anyone experienced this kind
of unschooling depression? I know I am a creative, inspired,
interesting person in there somewhere, I just can't seem to find it.
This go round with unschooling I have realized that you have to walk
the walk and set the example for it to work. But how do I do that? I
can't expect my kids to be engaged and interested if I can't even
manage to do it. "

When me and son first to homeschool/ de-school, I struggle too,
thinking I have to buck-up and start planning lots of structures. I
panic about timetables, about syllabus, about "healthy balance of
curriculum" blah blah blah. And then I was lucky enough to stumble
across the idea of unschooling. Hey presto! It was like I was given
permisssion to do nothing!!!! The idea that he'll naturally, un-
deniably learn what he wants, when he wants to, just
absolutely "free" me.

And then I think, "ok, this is so cool, my child can learnt off me,
just by me being myself - a living breathing being! But then I did
started panicking, thinking "OMG, I can get lazy, very very easily.
I can stay in my pjs the whole day, just lazing around the house.
What if he pick that up?" What do I do? Panic, panic....!

But then being the lazy sort of person I am, I thought that I'll
allow myself to get lazy first, for a certain period of time, kinda
like a break from being a well-planned homeschooling mum, to just be
a nice "holiday fun mummy", before we get knuckle down to serious
business. Afterall, we are still de-schooling, a honeymoon period.
No hurry.

BUt you see, it's because I allow myself not to do anything, set no
expectation to meet, but just relax and easy and be myself (I
suppose that was the expectation, wasn't it?), that I eventually got
bored of doing nothing. My son was obviously descooling bigtime with
his PS2, and that did caused me big concerns, so I started reading
alot on how to handle this. So I kinda thought since I have nothing
in particular to do, I might as well deschool with him on the sofa,
while he played, i've surf the net, read my emails, read my
magazines, chat on the phone, ordered pizza in, eventually we
thought it would be fun eating our picnic at the park. When I got a
better grip about the PS2 situation (basically I got had enough and
got bored reading all those research articles LOL!), I then started
painting while son is still stuck on PS2. There were times when
he'll run over and paint me a few pictures of the game he's playing,
narrating what's going thru him mind at tha time. I supposed if he's
taking it all in, he'll have to de-tox it out, right? So the
painting session turned out ot be a very good therapeutic pit stop
for him, and me. I've picked up my knitting that's been left lying
around for a long while, curled up next to him. Put on my favourite
music, from classical to abba to Boney M, to cheer me on, while I
experiment with new recipes. Sometimes, he'll come over for a
tester, and will give me either a thumbs up, or down.

So you see, what I'm trying to say (in a very long winded way LOL!)
is just give yourself the permission to do nothing! It's ok, not
having to do anything for the children, just for now. Just do things
for yourself, even if it means staying in your pjs and snuggling
next to your kids, and watch what they're watching. If cartoons is
not your cup of tea, find a book, a magazine or anything that you
can do, while next to/ near them. I did my ironing alot too. This
led to an hour long session of son playing with the iron, leading to
discussion of steam and experimenting "funneling" the steam to move
a paper fan.

Hope my "funny way" of melting into unschooling helps.

Sharon.

lyeping2607

I have been in school
> pretty much my entire life (13 yrs of trad school and then 7+ yrs of
> college) so now I have really no idea what to do with myself.
> My existance revolved around school then my son. I have no idea what
> my own passions are.

> I guess the issue is unschooling myself and how one goes about doing
> so. I hope I haven't come off negative or whatever. I have
reservations about posting to the groups because I am afraid I will
come off the wrong way. I have really enjoyed what the others in the
group have shared.

Hi Courtney,

When I first became a mother, after many years of working, I had no
idea what to do too. I had no passion, because everything i knew was
about work, about competition, about getting that deal that nobody
can. The only passion I have I supposed was shopping. Diapers, baby
poo and breastfeeding (milk machine was how I felt like, for a long
while)....what a boring depressing world! What do I do now?

Well I bored. So toun-bored myself, I started reading lots of book/
internet. Then I thought, I have so much time, what would I like to
do....oh I don't know. I like watching tv as I basically grew up being
babysat by my grandmother's tv. So maybe I'll watch all those movies
that I used to like when I was a child...so I did. I was watching
Sound of Music, Oliver Twist, Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs, Looney
Toons, etc etc etc.

I like reading too, so I read and read all those Enid Blyton's books
again. Plus cosmopolitan, and vogue (drooling over all those shoes). I
love clothes, especially fascinated by those puff sleeves and balloon
skirts, so I going thru books on periodic costumes. And I love shoes.
So I read books on shoes.

I like music, so every morning to get me into a good mood, I put on
something I like. I was listening to Karen Carpenter for ages (my
hubby was carpentered-out LOL!) Then I remembered the Blue Danude by
Johann Strauss, hence the start of my journey into classical music.
Then I would light my incense, going from the smell of roses to
sandelwood. And it is always a beautiful morning, no matter what.

And I stayed in my pjs alot. I still do now, with my 7 yr old DS.

You see, all these were familiar smells and sounds of my childhood,
that I've forgotten, but had fun re-discovering. Then things started
to get busy as DS starts to crawl, walk, talk and run. Life started
getting interesting again.

When DS went to school, I was lost again, as I didn't know what to do,
after 5 years of being busy mum. All of a sudden I had huge chunks of
time on my hand, too much time! So the cycle starts again. The movies,
the books, the music, the incense.

When we started to deschool towards unschooling, it was so scary and
new and unfamiliar, I gave myself permission to do nothing, until I'm
sure of something, as I didn't want to start doing the wrong things,
which I'll have to un-do later on!!! So the cycle begins- watching son
playing on PS2 (movie), surfing on the net (books), X'mas songs
(music - me and son both love Xmas carols LOL!!), and smells (this
time is cooking) leads the way. This time, I dug deeper inside me- I
reached for my inner child. So I told myself, pretend I'm not mummy
but the little child I used to be. "Deschooling our life" will makes
more sense and is easier when I don't have to observe any "good,
sensible, what's right and what's not rules" that have been in-
doctrined into my 37 yrs old brain and consiousness. And it did.

So, go on. Give yourself that permission to do nothing, for a start.
Then, dig thru those layers you've built around yourself all these
years in college/ growing up. You'll find your true self and passion
again, I promised! It's hidden deep down inside.

Hope my funny way of explaining helps.

SharonC.

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "courtlew3000"
<courtlew3000@...> wrote:
>> now I have really no idea what to do with myself.
> My existance revolved around school then my son. I have no idea
what
> my own passions are.

What kinds of vacations do you like to take? What do you like to do
while you're on vacation - do you bring a book to read? a project
to "keep your hands busy"? Have you ever gone on a "working
vacation"? and done volunteer work or something really physical?
Thats a place to start thinking.

I'm a listmaker, so one of the things I do when I'm feeling stuck in
a rut is to make a list of projects I've forgotten about. Stuff I
never got around to finishing (or starting!). I might not actually
do anything on the list - it might spark a different idea entirely,
or I might decide to ignore the whole thing and go get the lastest
fantasy novel by my favorite author.

> So I am reading about all these home/unschooled kids who do
amazing
> things (in recomended books) while I watch my son play PS2. Then I
go
> and watch some crappy tv show. It is rather depressing :)

Maybe you should watch some better shows ;) Seriously, if watching
tv helps you decompress a little, rent a bunch of movies. If you
need some "schoolish" direction for now, pick a theme. Everything
with any member of the Monty Python gang, for instance. Or
everything, documentary and fiction, about vampires or drag
queens... okay, I have weird tastes, but hopefully you get the idea.

If the idea of spending that much time watching movies gives you a
headache, go for books or games or some combination. Make yourself a
little "unit study" on the topic of your choice - and be okay with
dropping it if its not as much fun as you want it to be.

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Heather" <rupestur@...>
wrote:
>> I have more hobbies and interests that I care to name. Currently my
> favorite thing to do is knit while I read articles at the computer.

Bwahahahahhaa! Omg, I'm binding a quilt as I'm reading this! I've knit
and glued and assembled and all sorts of things while on the computer.
I used to do it with books, if you can imagine. The computer is easier -
if I can resist the urge to post dangitall!

---Meredith (who once joked that with only one extra hand I'd be able
to sew and knit at the same time)

courtlew3000

LOL, it is not him watching the crappy tv... it is me. I try not to
feal guilty for anything that brings joy but when I find myself
watching celebreality (and getting realy into it :) I can't stop the
guilt from washing over me.
I have (and I am sure lots of people do) feelings of guilt over
unrealistic things. Most of the negitive feelings I have is just more
guilt creeping in for me that I am doing something wrong... or not
good enough... or whatever.
I try to support my sons choices and be positive. I am just having a
hard time doing the same thing for myself.
Courtney

--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>
> ~~So I am reading about all these home/unschooled kids who do
amazing
> things (in recomended books) while I watch my son play PS2. Then I
go
> and watch some crappy tv show.~~
>
> I think it will help you to see what is interesting him in the PS2
> games and the "crappy" tv shows. Maybe just drop the judgement of
> "crappy" all together. I'd hate to have my viewing choices labeled
as
> such. If we can find a way to connect with our children in ALL of
> their interests, it will lead to amazing things. Mainly for us as
> parents because kids are natural unschoolers, it's our minds that
need
> to change.
>
> He IS doing amazing things. You just need to clear the debris from
> eyes and mind to see it. Get into his world. He doesn't need to be
> performing Shakespeare or learning a new language to be amazing.:)
>
> My kids love video gaming and tv too.....it's just another part of a
> full, rich life.
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: courtlew3000 <courtlew3000@...>

I guess the issue is unschooling myself and how one goes about doing
so.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Make a list (a REAL list---on paper. Not just in your head!) of all the
things you'd like to do before you die---no matter *how* exotic or
bizarre or difficult expensive OR mundane. Everything!

Now---pick one and DO it! <G>


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


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