Husbands
momma
I was wondering how you all handle it when husbands/dads aren't quite
on the same page as far as unschooling or mindful parenting. I have
seen a few coments from the ladies here that suggest that this is
something that you all may deal with at one time or another.
My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
odds. I am starting to think that maybe I need to relax a little and
just let it go. It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. She
is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives him
nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt her
feelings. I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets older. I
have been friends with several women who did not have good
relationships with thier fathers and all of them have chosen bums to
share thier lives with. Am I over analyzing here? Am I being
overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
relationship?
On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
I am so tired of fighting about it (or just not saying anything and
seething with anger for days) and I'm sure he is too. I dread the
weekends when he is going to be home. I want to find some sort of
balance or happy medium here but I can't seem to get it right.
Please respond if you have any insight at all. I would appreciate
other view points on this.
Aubrey
on the same page as far as unschooling or mindful parenting. I have
seen a few coments from the ladies here that suggest that this is
something that you all may deal with at one time or another.
My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
odds. I am starting to think that maybe I need to relax a little and
just let it go. It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. She
is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives him
nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt her
feelings. I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets older. I
have been friends with several women who did not have good
relationships with thier fathers and all of them have chosen bums to
share thier lives with. Am I over analyzing here? Am I being
overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
relationship?
On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
I am so tired of fighting about it (or just not saying anything and
seething with anger for days) and I'm sure he is too. I dread the
weekends when he is going to be home. I want to find some sort of
balance or happy medium here but I can't seem to get it right.
Please respond if you have any insight at all. I would appreciate
other view points on this.
Aubrey
Julie Dutt
Aubrey, I don't have any words of advice as I'm in the same boat you
are. My husband is a very traditional "dictator" parent and has no
desire to change. He expects the house to always be clean, no toys
strewn about, for the kids to do what he says...immediately, to be
quiet if he's watching tv, etc., the list goes on. I'm so sad about it
and so resentful. It feels like I take 1 step forward with mindful
parenting, he comes home & yells at the kids and we're two steps back.
I've been meaning to post to the group about it and I'm glad you did.
I know I'm not alone with an uncooperative hubby. I started a Word doc
where I've cut & pasted tidbits from emails here & info from the
Joyfully Rejoycing website with the hopes that he'll read it and see
where I'm coming from. I have a hard time articulating what
unschooling means to me, especially as he can be so harsh and somewhat
of a bully when we try to talk. I thought if he read some of the
wonderful words I've read, then he might try to be a more mindful
parent or at least not get so mad when I'm trying to be that kind of
parent.
Anyway, I'm sure the amazing people on this group will have some advice
for us.
julie
________
are. My husband is a very traditional "dictator" parent and has no
desire to change. He expects the house to always be clean, no toys
strewn about, for the kids to do what he says...immediately, to be
quiet if he's watching tv, etc., the list goes on. I'm so sad about it
and so resentful. It feels like I take 1 step forward with mindful
parenting, he comes home & yells at the kids and we're two steps back.
I've been meaning to post to the group about it and I'm glad you did.
I know I'm not alone with an uncooperative hubby. I started a Word doc
where I've cut & pasted tidbits from emails here & info from the
Joyfully Rejoycing website with the hopes that he'll read it and see
where I'm coming from. I have a hard time articulating what
unschooling means to me, especially as he can be so harsh and somewhat
of a bully when we try to talk. I thought if he read some of the
wonderful words I've read, then he might try to be a more mindful
parent or at least not get so mad when I'm trying to be that kind of
parent.
Anyway, I'm sure the amazing people on this group will have some advice
for us.
julie
________
On Oct 13, 2007, at 9:30 AM, momma wrote:
> I was wondering how you all handle it when husbands/dads aren't quite
> on the same page as far as unschooling or mindful parenting. I have
> seen a few coments from the ladies here that suggest that this is
> something that you all may deal with at one time or another.
> My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
> issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
> children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "momma"
<southernbelle@...> wrote:
the moment, either. This is at his request. He hates feeling as
though his parenting is being examined and critiqued - who wouldn't?
In the moment, I find it much more helpful to try to redirect
whatever's going on - look at the needs of my family members and see
what I can do to meet some of them. Maybe I can offer to do
something with one kid or another and take some pressure off George.
Maybe I can offer cookies or back-rubs or a kiss or a trip to the
store and shift everyone's focus a little.
That sort of redirection takes a bit of practice, and a bit of
mutual understanding that its an attempt to be helpful, not
critical - but I've personally found that the more I'm willing to
work on making the *situation* better, the more George and the kids
pick up on that and try to do the same things. So when *I'm* losing
it, George will suddenly offer to play a game or whatever.
about needs and feelings/reactions *right now* than on future what-
ifs. Its also more helpful to talk about *my* feelings than to guess
at the kids' feelings - although I have occasionally passed on a
comment Ray has made to George so that he could hear the feelings
Ray wasn't comfortable expressing directly.
all the time then, yes! These delicate skills take time to practice
and refine, after all. Even if he's trying his hardest to change,
its going to take time - and it will be harder if you're jumping
down his throat every time he's too tired, stressed, hungry,
whatever and slips back into some older habits. Better to validate
his efforts and let him know that his needs and wants and feelings
are every bit as important to you as the kids.
Its also really important to let go of any kind of attatchment you
may have as to what kind of dad your dh is and what kind of
relationship the kids have with him. Not that those things aren't
important, but if you have an idea in your head as to how all
that "looks" that idea is going to stand in the way of seeing and
supporting the real relationships between your family members.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
<southernbelle@...> wrote:
>> My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The onlyI don't "just let it be" but I often don't say anything to George in
> issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
> children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
> Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
the moment, either. This is at his request. He hates feeling as
though his parenting is being examined and critiqued - who wouldn't?
In the moment, I find it much more helpful to try to redirect
whatever's going on - look at the needs of my family members and see
what I can do to meet some of them. Maybe I can offer to do
something with one kid or another and take some pressure off George.
Maybe I can offer cookies or back-rubs or a kiss or a trip to the
store and shift everyone's focus a little.
That sort of redirection takes a bit of practice, and a bit of
mutual understanding that its an attempt to be helpful, not
critical - but I've personally found that the more I'm willing to
work on making the *situation* better, the more George and the kids
pick up on that and try to do the same things. So when *I'm* losing
it, George will suddenly offer to play a game or whatever.
> It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. SheOver the years, I've found it much more helpful to talk with George
> is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives him
> nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt her
> feelings. I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
> expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets older.
about needs and feelings/reactions *right now* than on future what-
ifs. Its also more helpful to talk about *my* feelings than to guess
at the kids' feelings - although I have occasionally passed on a
comment Ray has made to George so that he could hear the feelings
Ray wasn't comfortable expressing directly.
> Am I over analyzing here? Am I beingIf he's feeling as though his parenting is "under the microscope"
> overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
> that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
> relationship?
all the time then, yes! These delicate skills take time to practice
and refine, after all. Even if he's trying his hardest to change,
its going to take time - and it will be harder if you're jumping
down his throat every time he's too tired, stressed, hungry,
whatever and slips back into some older habits. Better to validate
his efforts and let him know that his needs and wants and feelings
are every bit as important to you as the kids.
Its also really important to let go of any kind of attatchment you
may have as to what kind of dad your dh is and what kind of
relationship the kids have with him. Not that those things aren't
important, but if you have an idea in your head as to how all
that "looks" that idea is going to stand in the way of seeing and
supporting the real relationships between your family members.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
momma
It feels like I take 1 step forward with mindful
things he says to the kids are in direct opposition to what I have been
trying to acomplish here.
Aubrey
> parenting, he comes home & yells at the kids and we're two steps back.Exactly the way I feel. I feel like a referee most days. Some of the
things he says to the kids are in direct opposition to what I have been
trying to acomplish here.
Aubrey
momma
Thank you so much Meredith! I am going to save this.
Aubrey
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <meredith@...>
wrote:
Aubrey
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <meredith@...>
wrote:
>the
> --- In [email protected], "momma"
> <southernbelle@> wrote:
> >> My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
> > issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to
> > children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).in
> > Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
>
> I don't "just let it be" but I often don't say anything to George
> the moment, either. This is at his request. He hates feeling aswouldn't?
> though his parenting is being examined and critiqued - who
>see
> In the moment, I find it much more helpful to try to redirect
> whatever's going on - look at the needs of my family members and
> what I can do to meet some of them. Maybe I can offer to doGeorge.
> something with one kid or another and take some pressure off
> Maybe I can offer cookies or back-rubs or a kiss or a trip to thehim
> store and shift everyone's focus a little.
>
> That sort of redirection takes a bit of practice, and a bit of
> mutual understanding that its an attempt to be helpful, not
> critical - but I've personally found that the more I'm willing to
> work on making the *situation* better, the more George and the kids
> pick up on that and try to do the same things. So when *I'm* losing
> it, George will suddenly offer to play a game or whatever.
>
> > It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. She
> > is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives
> > nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt herolder.
> > feelings. I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
> > expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets
>guess
> Over the years, I've found it much more helpful to talk with George
> about needs and feelings/reactions *right now* than on future what-
> ifs. Its also more helpful to talk about *my* feelings than to
> at the kids' feelings - although I have occasionally passed on a
> comment Ray has made to George so that he could hear the feelings
> Ray wasn't comfortable expressing directly.
>
> > Am I over analyzing here? Am I being
> > overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
> > that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
> > relationship?
>
> If he's feeling as though his parenting is "under the microscope"
> all the time then, yes! These delicate skills take time to practice
> and refine, after all. Even if he's trying his hardest to change,
> its going to take time - and it will be harder if you're jumping
> down his throat every time he's too tired, stressed, hungry,
> whatever and slips back into some older habits. Better to validate
> his efforts and let him know that his needs and wants and feelings
> are every bit as important to you as the kids.
>
> Its also really important to let go of any kind of attatchment you
> may have as to what kind of dad your dh is and what kind of
> relationship the kids have with him. Not that those things aren't
> important, but if you have an idea in your head as to how all
> that "looks" that idea is going to stand in the way of seeing and
> supporting the real relationships between your family members.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
>
Meredith
--- In [email protected], Julie Dutt <jdutt@...>
wrote:
(or "core values" if you prefer) are. Write them down if that's
helpful to you, but not necessarily for him. Just to get things
clear in your own mind.
At the same time, think about (or write down) all the things you
love about this man, the reasons you decided to marry him and have
children with him. If those reasons aren't compatible with your
principles, that's something to think about, too. Maybe you need to
dig deeper into the "core" of your values and find the
commonalities.
While you're thinking about your own principles, start looking for
how he's trying to express *his* principles and validate that! If he
values protection, see him protecting and honor that - actually
express that to him. Let him know you appreciate his efforts without
trashing his methodology for awhile. That's important.
something for the two of you to dialog about. In your and his
principles there is almost certainly some common ground if you only
go deep enough - really! Once you get all the way down to things
like love and trust and support, you will have a place to start
talking about *how* y'all can go about living those values
yourselves in your every day lives.
acceptible solutions. Homeschooling is hard on the home! Have you
let him know that most homeschooling parents struggle with this
issue (let alone wacked-out unschoolers who think ketchup looks just
fine on the windows)? That might help him have a bit of perspective.
Is it possible to keep one part of the house extra-clean just for
him?
Depending on how old your kids are (don't remember, sorry) you may
be able to involve them a bit in this - dad likes a clean house,
what can we do to help dad feel good when he comes home?
something y'all may need to work into your routine. Are there other
ways for him to do that besides watching tv? Or maybe he can have
a "quiet space" where he goes to watch his favorite shows? This is
the sort of problem solving that is going to have to come *after*
you've established some common ground wrt principles. If he values
being the leader of the family (for instance) watching tv in silence
isn't necessarily the best way to acheive that. If you can find ways
to meet his needs *and* support his principles, the tv may well
become less of an issue.
values are, so you can see how he believes this to be supporting his
principles. *Why* does he want them to obey immediately? If its an
issue of respect, for example, look for ways for him to feel
respected in the family - and that starts with you, mom, helping him
feel valued and important!
It might help to have an example of a specific incident in the home
so we can help you pull it apart and understand better what's going
on - there are a whole passle of reasons people claim to want
instant obedience that kind of need different approaches.
The biggest issue in "my dh isn't on board" situations, is that a
feeling of "us and them" starts to build. Mom and kids *against*
dad. That's detrimental to the family as a whole *and* the
individual relationships within the family. Its really important to
help dads (or working moms!) feel like their on the same team as the
rest of the family - that they're an Important Part of the team, not
the guy you send out to stand in the corner of the field bc no-one
ever hits the ball there, anyway.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
wrote:
>I have a hard time articulating whatI'd start there, on your own - think about what your principles
> unschooling means to me
(or "core values" if you prefer) are. Write them down if that's
helpful to you, but not necessarily for him. Just to get things
clear in your own mind.
At the same time, think about (or write down) all the things you
love about this man, the reasons you decided to marry him and have
children with him. If those reasons aren't compatible with your
principles, that's something to think about, too. Maybe you need to
dig deeper into the "core" of your values and find the
commonalities.
While you're thinking about your own principles, start looking for
how he's trying to express *his* principles and validate that! If he
values protection, see him protecting and honor that - actually
express that to him. Let him know you appreciate his efforts without
trashing his methodology for awhile. That's important.
>> My husband is a very traditional "dictator" parent and has notoys
> desire to change. He expects the house to always be clean, no
> strewn about, for the kids to do what he says...immediately, to beDo you have a sense of what *his* principles are? That may be
> quiet if he's watching tv, etc., the list goes on.
something for the two of you to dialog about. In your and his
principles there is almost certainly some common ground if you only
go deep enough - really! Once you get all the way down to things
like love and trust and support, you will have a place to start
talking about *how* y'all can go about living those values
yourselves in your every day lives.
>He expects the house to always be cleanOnce you have some common ground, you can look for some mutually
acceptible solutions. Homeschooling is hard on the home! Have you
let him know that most homeschooling parents struggle with this
issue (let alone wacked-out unschoolers who think ketchup looks just
fine on the windows)? That might help him have a bit of perspective.
Is it possible to keep one part of the house extra-clean just for
him?
Depending on how old your kids are (don't remember, sorry) you may
be able to involve them a bit in this - dad likes a clean house,
what can we do to help dad feel good when he comes home?
>to be quiet if he's watching tvDoes he need some time to change gears and "land" after work? That's
something y'all may need to work into your routine. Are there other
ways for him to do that besides watching tv? Or maybe he can have
a "quiet space" where he goes to watch his favorite shows? This is
the sort of problem solving that is going to have to come *after*
you've established some common ground wrt principles. If he values
being the leader of the family (for instance) watching tv in silence
isn't necessarily the best way to acheive that. If you can find ways
to meet his needs *and* support his principles, the tv may well
become less of an issue.
>for the kids to do what he says...immediatelyThis is the one where its most important to understand what his
values are, so you can see how he believes this to be supporting his
principles. *Why* does he want them to obey immediately? If its an
issue of respect, for example, look for ways for him to feel
respected in the family - and that starts with you, mom, helping him
feel valued and important!
It might help to have an example of a specific incident in the home
so we can help you pull it apart and understand better what's going
on - there are a whole passle of reasons people claim to want
instant obedience that kind of need different approaches.
The biggest issue in "my dh isn't on board" situations, is that a
feeling of "us and them" starts to build. Mom and kids *against*
dad. That's detrimental to the family as a whole *and* the
individual relationships within the family. Its really important to
help dads (or working moms!) feel like their on the same team as the
rest of the family - that they're an Important Part of the team, not
the guy you send out to stand in the corner of the field bc no-one
ever hits the ball there, anyway.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "momma"
<southernbelle@...> wrote:
interested - its specifically for folks committed to radical
unschooling:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Peacefulpartnerships
Group description:
""This list is for adults who live the radical unschooling and
peaceful/respectful parenting lifestyle with their children and who
wish to bring a similarly-peaceful and -respectful feeling to their
relationship with their partner.
Our focus is on how the actions and shifting of perspective of just
one of the adults in the partnership may bring more joy to their own
lives and, hopefully, bring more joy into the relationship with
their partner.
We have seen that living an unschooling life brings an amazing
amount of harmony to our relationships with our children and, to a
certain extent, that carries over into the whole familial
relationship. But we want to take that a step further and do for our
partnerships what we've done for our relationships with our
children.</>
This list is for people who already practice radical unschooling and
peaceful/respectful parenting.""
<southernbelle@...> wrote:
>There is also a list called "Peaceful Partnerships" if anyone is
> Thank you so much Meredith! I am going to save this.
interested - its specifically for folks committed to radical
unschooling:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Peacefulpartnerships
Group description:
""This list is for adults who live the radical unschooling and
peaceful/respectful parenting lifestyle with their children and who
wish to bring a similarly-peaceful and -respectful feeling to their
relationship with their partner.
Our focus is on how the actions and shifting of perspective of just
one of the adults in the partnership may bring more joy to their own
lives and, hopefully, bring more joy into the relationship with
their partner.
We have seen that living an unschooling life brings an amazing
amount of harmony to our relationships with our children and, to a
certain extent, that carries over into the whole familial
relationship. But we want to take that a step further and do for our
partnerships what we've done for our relationships with our
children.</>
This list is for people who already practice radical unschooling and
peaceful/respectful parenting.""
Melissa
I'm by nature a silence person, which is very hard to come by in our
house. I mean, we have seven kids and almost always two or three
extras. Part of it is my personality, part of it was being raised by
a single mom with one brother, our house was silent most of the time
(ie children aren't seen OR heard). I spent a long time just ignoring
my feelings on all the noise, just because I thought that's what good
moms do, and then I'd snap. Then because of all the stress, I'd
completely revert into saying something that wasn't kind or
appropriate (like "Would you just SHUT UP!?") I wonder if it's
something similar. Dh is similar, but his is mess, he can take the
noise, but not the clutter. He is a lot more patient than I am though.
I think someone already suggested stepping back and verifying the
situation. Making sure that your feelings aren't tinting your
perception. I have that problem with my dh as well, and when i
stepped back I noticed that either my kids didn't take it personally
(ie they knew dh was having a bad day and they chose to ignore it) or
they would respond (being unschoolers, just last night Sam (heehee)
told DH, "Well, you keep telling me what to do. I can't do two things
at ONCE!" Dh was rueful, apologized and did the second thing himself.
What *I* had to do was accept the fact that my kids are noisy, accept
the fact that I sometimes had trouble dealing with it. I worked
really hard on being open to the noise, celebrating it as what NORMAL
children do. And then I worked on ways for me to have some silence. I
practiced really hard on what I could say nicely to get some quiet. I
came up with a stock phrase that I used at first because I wanted it
to be as easy as possible to be kind "Mom's really worn, can I have
five minutes, then we'll do x and z?" Now not only can I deal with
more noise, but because I know that my kids will respect my need for
some quiet when I ask, I can deal with even more.
Dh and I both point out stuff to each other, but never in the heat of
the moment. We didn't beat the horse, either, it was one statement
and then breath through letting it go. And when we first started
unschooling, never with the kids there because both of our trained
responses were "Well, I'M the parent" so I'd let dh see the power of
his words, and then when the child was gone (usually me saying let's
go play) then I'd come back and say something like 'that was a really
hurtful way to say that. I know x was bothering you, what else could
we do?' He'd do the same thing for me (although, tbh, I usually
resisted more than he did....sigh) It almost always leads to us
apologizing and saying it was not appropriate. And the answers were
always different. Sometimes *I* need to intervene. Sometimes it meant
that he would handle it himself.
For now, keep talking to you hubby outside the moment. And i wonder
if you could do something if you KNOW he's going to lose it. Say your
daughter is chattering away and you see his tension rising. Then say
it for him...so you can model a dfferent way. Something like "Wow!
That sounds so exciting!" if she's want to just share with anyone,
offer "Dad needs a break right now, let's you and me go talk in the
dining room" or if she wants to share with dad, "Dad's kind of tired
from work, can we let him rest for a little bit before we continue
the story?" my girls love to draw comic books to remember stuff, so
maybe while she's waiting she could share with you again, draw a
picture of what she wanted to say, record it on the camcorder. My
kids LOVE to make newscasts for my husband...and it's a funny family
thing now because no matter what the news is about, Rachel does the
weather, and Sam's sporting event always includes a pokemon battle.
The hardest part of dh's day is the second he walks in the door. He
has seven kids (and a wife) on him right away, who've missed him and
just want to be with him and tell him everything all at the same
time. He's used to working in silence most of the time, or in board
meetings where people take turns talking (and sometimes no one wants
to talk lol!) So it's a huge change for him, and just fifteen minutes
in his bedroom changing (even if he's already wearing jeans and a t-
shirt, it's a symbolic change and guarantees almost some privacy) and
going to the bathroom (which usually consists of him reading a
chapter from a new book). This time is just amazing in how it
increases his patience.
I know that you are working really hard on mindful parenting, and
that's the number one way to help dh, just to let him know it will
work. We're all works in progress, and I'm sure HE doesn't like
snapping at the kids anymore than you guys do. :-(
Melissa
Mom to Josh (12), Breanna (10), Emily (8), Rachel (7), Sam (6), Dan
(4), and Avari Rose (19 months)
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
house. I mean, we have seven kids and almost always two or three
extras. Part of it is my personality, part of it was being raised by
a single mom with one brother, our house was silent most of the time
(ie children aren't seen OR heard). I spent a long time just ignoring
my feelings on all the noise, just because I thought that's what good
moms do, and then I'd snap. Then because of all the stress, I'd
completely revert into saying something that wasn't kind or
appropriate (like "Would you just SHUT UP!?") I wonder if it's
something similar. Dh is similar, but his is mess, he can take the
noise, but not the clutter. He is a lot more patient than I am though.
I think someone already suggested stepping back and verifying the
situation. Making sure that your feelings aren't tinting your
perception. I have that problem with my dh as well, and when i
stepped back I noticed that either my kids didn't take it personally
(ie they knew dh was having a bad day and they chose to ignore it) or
they would respond (being unschoolers, just last night Sam (heehee)
told DH, "Well, you keep telling me what to do. I can't do two things
at ONCE!" Dh was rueful, apologized and did the second thing himself.
What *I* had to do was accept the fact that my kids are noisy, accept
the fact that I sometimes had trouble dealing with it. I worked
really hard on being open to the noise, celebrating it as what NORMAL
children do. And then I worked on ways for me to have some silence. I
practiced really hard on what I could say nicely to get some quiet. I
came up with a stock phrase that I used at first because I wanted it
to be as easy as possible to be kind "Mom's really worn, can I have
five minutes, then we'll do x and z?" Now not only can I deal with
more noise, but because I know that my kids will respect my need for
some quiet when I ask, I can deal with even more.
Dh and I both point out stuff to each other, but never in the heat of
the moment. We didn't beat the horse, either, it was one statement
and then breath through letting it go. And when we first started
unschooling, never with the kids there because both of our trained
responses were "Well, I'M the parent" so I'd let dh see the power of
his words, and then when the child was gone (usually me saying let's
go play) then I'd come back and say something like 'that was a really
hurtful way to say that. I know x was bothering you, what else could
we do?' He'd do the same thing for me (although, tbh, I usually
resisted more than he did....sigh) It almost always leads to us
apologizing and saying it was not appropriate. And the answers were
always different. Sometimes *I* need to intervene. Sometimes it meant
that he would handle it himself.
For now, keep talking to you hubby outside the moment. And i wonder
if you could do something if you KNOW he's going to lose it. Say your
daughter is chattering away and you see his tension rising. Then say
it for him...so you can model a dfferent way. Something like "Wow!
That sounds so exciting!" if she's want to just share with anyone,
offer "Dad needs a break right now, let's you and me go talk in the
dining room" or if she wants to share with dad, "Dad's kind of tired
from work, can we let him rest for a little bit before we continue
the story?" my girls love to draw comic books to remember stuff, so
maybe while she's waiting she could share with you again, draw a
picture of what she wanted to say, record it on the camcorder. My
kids LOVE to make newscasts for my husband...and it's a funny family
thing now because no matter what the news is about, Rachel does the
weather, and Sam's sporting event always includes a pokemon battle.
The hardest part of dh's day is the second he walks in the door. He
has seven kids (and a wife) on him right away, who've missed him and
just want to be with him and tell him everything all at the same
time. He's used to working in silence most of the time, or in board
meetings where people take turns talking (and sometimes no one wants
to talk lol!) So it's a huge change for him, and just fifteen minutes
in his bedroom changing (even if he's already wearing jeans and a t-
shirt, it's a symbolic change and guarantees almost some privacy) and
going to the bathroom (which usually consists of him reading a
chapter from a new book). This time is just amazing in how it
increases his patience.
I know that you are working really hard on mindful parenting, and
that's the number one way to help dh, just to let him know it will
work. We're all works in progress, and I'm sure HE doesn't like
snapping at the kids anymore than you guys do. :-(
Melissa
Mom to Josh (12), Breanna (10), Emily (8), Rachel (7), Sam (6), Dan
(4), and Avari Rose (19 months)
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Oct 13, 2007, at 8:30 AM, momma wrote:
> I was wondering how you all handle it when husbands/dads aren't quite
> on the same page as far as unschooling or mindful parenting. I have
> seen a few coments from the ladies here that suggest that this is
> something that you all may deal with at one time or another.
> My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
> issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
> children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
> Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
> We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
> arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
> odds. I am starting to think that maybe I need to relax a little and
> just let it go. It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. She
> is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives him
> nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt her
> feelings. I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
> expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets older. I
> have been friends with several women who did not have good
> relationships with thier fathers and all of them have chosen bums to
> share thier lives with. Am I over analyzing here? Am I being
> overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
> that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
> relationship?
> On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
> and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
> I am so tired of fighting about it (or just not saying anything and
> seething with anger for days) and I'm sure he is too. I dread the
> weekends when he is going to be home. I want to find some sort of
> balance or happy medium here but I can't seem to get it right.
> Please respond if you have any insight at all. I would appreciate
> other view points on this.
> Aubrey
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/13/2007 6:31:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
southernbelle@... writes:
My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
odds.
______________________________
I'm right there w ya. julian is 5, and dh seems to have higher
expectations...or something. we argue, and I hate it and so do the kids. I'm
TRYING...but...can't wait to read the responses. I just wanted you to know that we are
struggling in the same way, or similar at least...I feel it will slowly smooth
over here...but oh, it's difficult! Dh won't consider that he needs to
deschool - basically, they terms and words I use are dismissed as silly hippy
stuff...yet he also clearly likes a LOT of the situation...Ugh. I don't want to
paint a picture of him being a dark and horrid force in our lives, lol, so I
shall stop now ;) And read - and LEARN!
Karen PS
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
southernbelle@... writes:
My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
odds.
______________________________
I'm right there w ya. julian is 5, and dh seems to have higher
expectations...or something. we argue, and I hate it and so do the kids. I'm
TRYING...but...can't wait to read the responses. I just wanted you to know that we are
struggling in the same way, or similar at least...I feel it will slowly smooth
over here...but oh, it's difficult! Dh won't consider that he needs to
deschool - basically, they terms and words I use are dismissed as silly hippy
stuff...yet he also clearly likes a LOT of the situation...Ugh. I don't want to
paint a picture of him being a dark and horrid force in our lives, lol, so I
shall stop now ;) And read - and LEARN!
Karen PS
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/13/2007 6:31:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
southernbelle@... writes:
On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
_______________
Just had to add - YES - here too, :(
K PS
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
southernbelle@... writes:
On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
_______________
Just had to add - YES - here too, :(
K PS
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Wildflower Car
This is Wildflower's husband Patrick.
When my kids were younger I thought homeschooling was for freaks. And unschooling, well, I didn't have a clue what that was. But as time went by I came to the idea that this stuff really worked by seeing it work in my kids. My kids blow my mind with how amazing they are.
I worked full time in an office, so I was only seeing some of what was going on. (Now I work full time from home and see a lot more about how it works full time.)At first I figured, how bad could it screw them up at a young age? I mean, they had been at home up until school age and seemed great to me. But then when I saw that it was better than not screwing them up, they were smart, well rounded people.
I gotta say it would have really pissed me off if my wife would have corrected me in front of the kids back then. She did a few times, and it really bent me out of shape. We are different people and handle things differently. But now my kids have just learned that their folks have different personalities. I was more of the kind of guy that laid down rules. Now, I am much more laid back and my wife sometimes gets controlling with the kids. So now I step in and say some of the stuff back to her she use to say to me. Most time we both get a kick out of it.
I would say just talk about in private, but don't beat it over the guys head. And your kids, well, they'll figure out how to deal with him on their own. If you do what you know works with the kids, he'll probably see that and take a que from you. If not, then let your kids see how you deal with him and they'll figure it out.
It seems to me that sitting around steaming about it is a waste of time after a certain point. Instead, take what's working with your husband and kids and build on that.
Good Luck,
Patrick
_________________________________________________________________
Boo! Scare away worms, viruses and so much more! Try Windows Live OneCare!
http://onecare.live.com/standard/en-us/purchase/trial.aspx?s_cid=wl_hotmailnews
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
When my kids were younger I thought homeschooling was for freaks. And unschooling, well, I didn't have a clue what that was. But as time went by I came to the idea that this stuff really worked by seeing it work in my kids. My kids blow my mind with how amazing they are.
I worked full time in an office, so I was only seeing some of what was going on. (Now I work full time from home and see a lot more about how it works full time.)At first I figured, how bad could it screw them up at a young age? I mean, they had been at home up until school age and seemed great to me. But then when I saw that it was better than not screwing them up, they were smart, well rounded people.
I gotta say it would have really pissed me off if my wife would have corrected me in front of the kids back then. She did a few times, and it really bent me out of shape. We are different people and handle things differently. But now my kids have just learned that their folks have different personalities. I was more of the kind of guy that laid down rules. Now, I am much more laid back and my wife sometimes gets controlling with the kids. So now I step in and say some of the stuff back to her she use to say to me. Most time we both get a kick out of it.
I would say just talk about in private, but don't beat it over the guys head. And your kids, well, they'll figure out how to deal with him on their own. If you do what you know works with the kids, he'll probably see that and take a que from you. If not, then let your kids see how you deal with him and they'll figure it out.
It seems to me that sitting around steaming about it is a waste of time after a certain point. Instead, take what's working with your husband and kids and build on that.
Good Luck,
Patrick
_________________________________________________________________
Boo! Scare away worms, viruses and so much more! Try Windows Live OneCare!
http://onecare.live.com/standard/en-us/purchase/trial.aspx?s_cid=wl_hotmailnews
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
:: anne | arun ::
hi,
ive been following this thread but am meant to be packing to go
overseas rather than reading/ writing emails.... so dont have time to
engage with it properly... but thought id drop the link which ive
mentioned on this list a while ago:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
its title is: An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with
(still developing) Unschooling Dads
Now if my dp asks... i never wrote this email and have spent the last
20 minutes cleaning up, packing, organising passports and the other
100 things we are meant to be doing so we can get on a plane in 48
hours :)
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ive been following this thread but am meant to be packing to go
overseas rather than reading/ writing emails.... so dont have time to
engage with it properly... but thought id drop the link which ive
mentioned on this list a while ago:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
its title is: An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with
(still developing) Unschooling Dads
Now if my dp asks... i never wrote this email and have spent the last
20 minutes cleaning up, packing, organising passports and the other
100 things we are meant to be doing so we can get on a plane in 48
hours :)
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nance Confer
unschoolingbasicsDH says that maybe these men are suffering from Dad's Inability to Cope with Kids syndrome. (Think about the acronym, ladies. :) )
Best of luck in developing happy homes. :)
Nance
Re: Husbands
Posted by: ":: anne | arun ::" life@... arunaway72
Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:00 pm (PST)
hi,
ive been following this thread but am meant to be packing to go
overseas rather than reading/ writing emails.... so dont have time to
engage with it properly... but thought id drop the link which ive
mentioned on this list a while ago:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
its title is: An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with
(still developing) Unschooling Dads
Now if my dp asks... i never wrote this email and have spent the last
20 minutes cleaning up, packing, organising passports and the other
100 things we are meant to be doing so we can get on a plane in 48
hours :)
arun
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Best of luck in developing happy homes. :)
Nance
Re: Husbands
Posted by: ":: anne | arun ::" life@... arunaway72
Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:00 pm (PST)
hi,
ive been following this thread but am meant to be packing to go
overseas rather than reading/ writing emails.... so dont have time to
engage with it properly... but thought id drop the link which ive
mentioned on this list a while ago:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
its title is: An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with
(still developing) Unschooling Dads
Now if my dp asks... i never wrote this email and have spent the last
20 minutes cleaning up, packing, organising passports and the other
100 things we are meant to be doing so we can get on a plane in 48
hours :)
arun
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Weyd
ROFL...........Thanks for the laugh this morning.
Kelly
Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
unschoolingbasicsDH says that maybe these men are suffering from Dad's Inability to Cope with Kids syndrome. (Think about the acronym, ladies. :) )
Best of luck in developing happy homes. :)
Nance
Re: Husbands
Posted by: ":: anne | arun ::" life@... arunaway72
Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:00 pm (PST)
hi,
ive been following this thread but am meant to be packing to go
overseas rather than reading/ writing emails.... so dont have time to
engage with it properly... but thought id drop the link which ive
mentioned on this list a while ago:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
its title is: An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with
(still developing) Unschooling Dads
Now if my dp asks... i never wrote this email and have spent the last
20 minutes cleaning up, packing, organising passports and the other
100 things we are meant to be doing so we can get on a plane in 48
hours :)
arun
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Building a website is a piece of cake.
Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly
Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
unschoolingbasicsDH says that maybe these men are suffering from Dad's Inability to Cope with Kids syndrome. (Think about the acronym, ladies. :) )
Best of luck in developing happy homes. :)
Nance
Re: Husbands
Posted by: ":: anne | arun ::" life@... arunaway72
Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:00 pm (PST)
hi,
ive been following this thread but am meant to be packing to go
overseas rather than reading/ writing emails.... so dont have time to
engage with it properly... but thought id drop the link which ive
mentioned on this list a while ago:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
its title is: An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with
(still developing) Unschooling Dads
Now if my dp asks... i never wrote this email and have spent the last
20 minutes cleaning up, packing, organising passports and the other
100 things we are meant to be doing so we can get on a plane in 48
hours :)
arun
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Building a website is a piece of cake.
Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Dutt
Meredith, Thanks for this response. It really does help put things in
perspective. We actually tried to talk last night and one thing I
realize is that, while the children are a big issue for us, there are
so many other issues that really prevent our marriage from working.
We've been married for 17 years and so many of them, I've wanted to
leave. I realized that again last night why we are so incompatible. I
was just 19 when we married and I'm now 37 with so many years of
growing and changing. And we seem not to be growing in the same
direction. Oh, I don't know. We need therapy!
Anyway, I do appreciate the response and will try your suggestions.
julie
___
perspective. We actually tried to talk last night and one thing I
realize is that, while the children are a big issue for us, there are
so many other issues that really prevent our marriage from working.
We've been married for 17 years and so many of them, I've wanted to
leave. I realized that again last night why we are so incompatible. I
was just 19 when we married and I'm now 37 with so many years of
growing and changing. And we seem not to be growing in the same
direction. Oh, I don't know. We need therapy!
Anyway, I do appreciate the response and will try your suggestions.
julie
___
> At the same time, think about (or write down) all the things you[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> love about this man, the reasons you decided to marry him and have
> children with him. If those reasons aren't compatible with your
> principles, that's something to think about, too. Maybe you need to
> dig deeper into the "core" of your values and find the
> commonalities.
momma
Thank you for all of the great responses. I read and reread them and
was able to head off some things this weekend before they ever became
a problem. We had a whole weekend without anyone getting upset or
angry. It helped so much to know that other people are facing the
same things.
Thanks again!
Aubrey
--- In [email protected], Wildflower Car
<unschoolfool@...> wrote:
time went by I came to the idea that this stuff really worked by
seeing it work in my kids. My kids blow my mind with how amazing they
are.
about how it works full time.)At first I figured, how bad could it
screw them up at a young age? I mean, they had been at home up until
school age and seemed great to me. But then when I saw that it was
better than not screwing them up, they were smart, well rounded
people.
times, and it really bent me out of shape. We are different people
and handle things differently. But now my kids have just learned that
their folks have different personalities. I was more of the kind of
guy that laid down rules. Now, I am much more laid back and my wife
sometimes gets controlling with the kids. So now I step in and say
some of the stuff back to her she use to say to me. Most time we both
get a kick out of it.
him on their own. If you do what you know works with the kids, he'll
probably see that and take a que from you. If not, then let your kids
see how you deal with him and they'll figure it out.
husband and kids and build on that.
was able to head off some things this weekend before they ever became
a problem. We had a whole weekend without anyone getting upset or
angry. It helped so much to know that other people are facing the
same things.
Thanks again!
Aubrey
--- In [email protected], Wildflower Car
<unschoolfool@...> wrote:
>And unschooling, well, I didn't have a clue what that was. But as
>
>
> This is Wildflower's husband Patrick.
>
> When my kids were younger I thought homeschooling was for freaks.
time went by I came to the idea that this stuff really worked by
seeing it work in my kids. My kids blow my mind with how amazing they
are.
>was going on. (Now I work full time from home and see a lot more
> I worked full time in an office, so I was only seeing some of what
about how it works full time.)At first I figured, how bad could it
screw them up at a young age? I mean, they had been at home up until
school age and seemed great to me. But then when I saw that it was
better than not screwing them up, they were smart, well rounded
people.
>have corrected me in front of the kids back then. She did a few
> I gotta say it would have really pissed me off if my wife would
times, and it really bent me out of shape. We are different people
and handle things differently. But now my kids have just learned that
their folks have different personalities. I was more of the kind of
guy that laid down rules. Now, I am much more laid back and my wife
sometimes gets controlling with the kids. So now I step in and say
some of the stuff back to her she use to say to me. Most time we both
get a kick out of it.
>guys head. And your kids, well, they'll figure out how to deal with
> I would say just talk about in private, but don't beat it over the
him on their own. If you do what you know works with the kids, he'll
probably see that and take a que from you. If not, then let your kids
see how you deal with him and they'll figure it out.
>time after a certain point. Instead, take what's working with your
> It seems to me that sitting around steaming about it is a waste of
husband and kids and build on that.
>OneCare!
> Good Luck,
> Patrick
>
>
>
>
>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Boo! Scare away worms, viruses and so much more! Try Windows Live
> http://onecare.live.com/standard/en-us/purchase/trial.aspx?s_cid=wl_hotmailnews
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
rpindc04
Just wanted to add an idea that has worked for us.
My husband and I are on pretty much the same page now, but it has not
always been that way. All my talking often has little effect. What
speaks to him is often reading something in a book. So, I went to the
library when we started homeschooling and unschooling, and got a lot of
books out. I suggest ones I think might especially interest him. He
absorbs their message, and changes from the inside, it seems. Ones that
are not radical to this group, but have been helpful for us are those
by John Holt and Grace Llewellyn.
Good luck.
Robbin
My husband and I are on pretty much the same page now, but it has not
always been that way. All my talking often has little effect. What
speaks to him is often reading something in a book. So, I went to the
library when we started homeschooling and unschooling, and got a lot of
books out. I suggest ones I think might especially interest him. He
absorbs their message, and changes from the inside, it seems. Ones that
are not radical to this group, but have been helpful for us are those
by John Holt and Grace Llewellyn.
Good luck.
Robbin
diana jenner
On 10/17/07, rpindc04 <robbin_mp@...> wrote:
who matches your partner's listening :) I'm at the beginning of a family
merge and I've had to do some on-the-spot clarification/explanation that I'd
not done before. I knew the wisdom he needed was said in a way he would
*get* if I did some looking around. He loves the sharpness of Sandra's words
and has found his comfort there, I'll forward him bits from lists too, when
I know someone has spoken in his way. I also downloaded the talks from the
last two unschooling conferences (LIFE is Good and Live and Learn) to put on
his MP3 player, especially Jon Gold (whom he can now speak to in person) and
Jon Kream. He reads another unschooling dad's blog and they correspond. I
think it's made our transitions, thus far, much easier.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I've found that it's a worthwhile investment of your time to find a speaker
> Just wanted to add an idea that has worked for us.
> My husband and I are on pretty much the same page now, but it has not
> always been that way. All my talking often has little effect. What
> speaks to him is often reading something in a book. So, I went to the
> library when we started homeschooling and unschooling, and got a lot of
> books out. I suggest ones I think might especially interest him. He
> absorbs their message, and changes from the inside, it seems. Ones that
> are not radical to this group, but have been helpful for us are those
> by John Holt and Grace Llewellyn.
> .
>
who matches your partner's listening :) I'm at the beginning of a family
merge and I've had to do some on-the-spot clarification/explanation that I'd
not done before. I knew the wisdom he needed was said in a way he would
*get* if I did some looking around. He loves the sharpness of Sandra's words
and has found his comfort there, I'll forward him bits from lists too, when
I know someone has spoken in his way. I also downloaded the talks from the
last two unschooling conferences (LIFE is Good and Live and Learn) to put on
his MP3 player, especially Jon Gold (whom he can now speak to in person) and
Jon Kream. He reads another unschooling dad's blog and they correspond. I
think it's made our transitions, thus far, much easier.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Krisula
Nice to hear Diana. I'm glad things are going well for you three.
Krisula
who matches your partner's listening :) I'm at the beginning of a family
merge and I've had to do some on-the-spot clarification/explanation that I'd
not done before. I knew the wisdom he needed was said in a way he would
*get* if I did some looking around. He loves the sharpness of Sandra's words
and has found his comfort there, I'll forward him bits from lists too, when
I know someone has spoken in his way. I also downloaded the talks from the
last two unschooling conferences (LIFE is Good and Live and Learn) to put on
his MP3 player, especially Jon Gold (whom he can now speak to in person) and
Jon Kream. He reads another unschooling dad's blog and they correspond. I
think it's made our transitions, thus far, much easier.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com<<
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Krisula
>>I've found that it's a worthwhile investment of your time to find aspeaker
who matches your partner's listening :) I'm at the beginning of a family
merge and I've had to do some on-the-spot clarification/explanation that I'd
not done before. I knew the wisdom he needed was said in a way he would
*get* if I did some looking around. He loves the sharpness of Sandra's words
and has found his comfort there, I'll forward him bits from lists too, when
I know someone has spoken in his way. I also downloaded the talks from the
last two unschooling conferences (LIFE is Good and Live and Learn) to put on
his MP3 player, especially Jon Gold (whom he can now speak to in person) and
Jon Kream. He reads another unschooling dad's blog and they correspond. I
think it's made our transitions, thus far, much easier.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com<<
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: momma <southernbelle@...>
I was wondering how you all handle it when husbands/dads aren't quite
on the same page as far as unschooling or mindful parenting. I have
seen a few coments from the ladies here that suggest that this is
something that you all may deal with at one time or another.
My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
-=-=-=-=-
Depends on the situation.
I've done it all from screaming like a banshee to letting him "work it
through" to discussing it afterwards to discussing it at the time to
telling him I will walk and take the kids with me to
...well...everything!
-=-=-=-=-
We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
odds. I am starting to think that maybe I need to relax a little and
just let it go. It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. She
is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives him
nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt her
feelings.
-=-=-=-=-=-
I've also make very nasty comments to him about his nasty comments and
hurt him very much.
In the end, it was after he understood that it's not about *him*---it's
about the *children*!
We talk a lot obout healing ourselves by being the parent we wish that
we had had. I try to use my own examples with my own parents. Then Ben
started to give me some of his own examples. We talked about how our
parents made us feel. AFter a while, I could just give him a "look"
that would stop him from going off any further.
Now he does that for *me* sometimes! <G>
-=-=-=-=-=-
I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets older. I
have been friends with several women who did not have good
relationships with thier fathers and all of them have chosen bums to
share thier lives with. Am I over analyzing here? Am I being
overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
relationship?
-=-=-=-
Maybe.
But who else will stand up for your child?
-=-=-=-=-
On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
-=-=-=-
That's a really common excuse for not getting any *better*.
Sure, he's a better parent than his parents, but does that mean he
can/should stop trying to be a BETTER parent than he is now?
I talk with my kids about my childhood and how I had to dump a lot of
bad modelling that was done for/to me. I'm hoping that they will have
*less* baggage. And that their children will have even LESS!
The other day, we were at a store where a dad was being very
controlling and mean to his son. Duncan waked out and said about the
little boy, "He'll have a lot of baggage to dump if he's going to be a
good dad." <g>
But we talk about it a lot---Ben and I, the boys and I, Ben and the
boys---we all discuss how we can be better and do better.
When we are stressed or tired or out of sorts, it's common---and
easy!---to revert to what we were modelled as children. Before we open
our mouths, if we can think for *just a moment* (which is really hard
when we're not 100% there) whether that is how our children want to
remember us, maybe we can make a better choice. Making it just a
*little* better *each* time will bring us to being pretty damn close to
the ideal after a while!
-=-==-
I am so tired of fighting about it (or just not saying anything and
seething with anger for days) and I'm sure he is too. I dread the
weekends when he is going to be home. I want to find some sort of
balance or happy medium here but I can't seem to get it right.
Please respond if you have any insight at all. I would appreciate
other view points on this.
-=-=-=-=-
Ask him whether he would like to be a better dad and husband. If he
says no, there's not much you can do.
If he says yes!, well... you can both talk about how to do that. How
would *he* like you to help him?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
From: momma <southernbelle@...>
I was wondering how you all handle it when husbands/dads aren't quite
on the same page as far as unschooling or mindful parenting. I have
seen a few coments from the ladies here that suggest that this is
something that you all may deal with at one time or another.
My husband and I get along very well, most of the time. The only
issue we seem to have is about the children. He says things to the
children that are sometimes hurtful (I feel).
Do you all comment on it at all? Do you all just let it be?
-=-=-=-=-
Depends on the situation.
I've done it all from screaming like a banshee to letting him "work it
through" to discussing it afterwards to discussing it at the time to
telling him I will walk and take the kids with me to
...well...everything!
-=-=-=-=-
We have had many discussions and sometimes arguements. Ok, a lot of
arguements. I seem to go into a protective mode which puts us at
odds. I am starting to think that maybe I need to relax a little and
just let it go. It seems to happen most with our 8 year old dd. She
is a bundle of energy and chatters almost nonstop. This drives him
nuts. He will sometimes make a nasty comment to her and hurt her
feelings.
-=-=-=-=-=-
I've also make very nasty comments to him about his nasty comments and
hurt him very much.
In the end, it was after he understood that it's not about *him*---it's
about the *children*!
We talk a lot obout healing ourselves by being the parent we wish that
we had had. I try to use my own examples with my own parents. Then Ben
started to give me some of his own examples. We talked about how our
parents made us feel. AFter a while, I could just give him a "look"
that would stop him from going off any further.
Now he does that for *me* sometimes! <G>
-=-=-=-=-=-
I start to worry about her self esteem and how she will
expected to be treated by the men in her life when she gets older. I
have been friends with several women who did not have good
relationships with thier fathers and all of them have chosen bums to
share thier lives with. Am I over analyzing here? Am I being
overprotective? Could it be that because of the way I am reacting
that *I* may be standing in the way of them having a better
relationship?
-=-=-=-
Maybe.
But who else will stand up for your child?
-=-=-=-=-
On the other hand, he grew up in a very abusive and controlling home
and is doing 100% better than his parents ever did.
-=-=-=-
That's a really common excuse for not getting any *better*.
Sure, he's a better parent than his parents, but does that mean he
can/should stop trying to be a BETTER parent than he is now?
I talk with my kids about my childhood and how I had to dump a lot of
bad modelling that was done for/to me. I'm hoping that they will have
*less* baggage. And that their children will have even LESS!
The other day, we were at a store where a dad was being very
controlling and mean to his son. Duncan waked out and said about the
little boy, "He'll have a lot of baggage to dump if he's going to be a
good dad." <g>
But we talk about it a lot---Ben and I, the boys and I, Ben and the
boys---we all discuss how we can be better and do better.
When we are stressed or tired or out of sorts, it's common---and
easy!---to revert to what we were modelled as children. Before we open
our mouths, if we can think for *just a moment* (which is really hard
when we're not 100% there) whether that is how our children want to
remember us, maybe we can make a better choice. Making it just a
*little* better *each* time will bring us to being pretty damn close to
the ideal after a while!
-=-==-
I am so tired of fighting about it (or just not saying anything and
seething with anger for days) and I'm sure he is too. I dread the
weekends when he is going to be home. I want to find some sort of
balance or happy medium here but I can't seem to get it right.
Please respond if you have any insight at all. I would appreciate
other view points on this.
-=-=-=-=-
Ask him whether he would like to be a better dad and husband. If he
says no, there's not much you can do.
If he says yes!, well... you can both talk about how to do that. How
would *he* like you to help him?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
[email protected]
I wish my husband were on the same page as me. He allows me to homeschool,
but doesn't know that I unschool. There's always enough progress for him to be
happy. He is not involved in the schooling process, so it hasn't been an
issue yet. He does feel that children should fear their parents, which has led to
arguments. His anger used to be an issue but it has improved a lot. We're
getting more and more on the same page when it comes to parenting.
Shari
Wife to Ken
Mom to Nathan (9 years)
and Katie (3.5 years)
_http://crosstrainingacademy.blogspot.com_
(http://crosstrainingacademy.blogspot.com/)
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
but doesn't know that I unschool. There's always enough progress for him to be
happy. He is not involved in the schooling process, so it hasn't been an
issue yet. He does feel that children should fear their parents, which has led to
arguments. His anger used to be an issue but it has improved a lot. We're
getting more and more on the same page when it comes to parenting.
Shari
Wife to Ken
Mom to Nathan (9 years)
and Katie (3.5 years)
_http://crosstrainingacademy.blogspot.com_
(http://crosstrainingacademy.blogspot.com/)
************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
gcriminy
Hello! I am enjoying all the posts and discussions-- all of you are helping me allay my unschooling fears. That said, I just had to giggle that (schooled) husband after (schooled) husband (mine included) hates reading so much that he/they won't take a few minutes to read about unschooling. I am beginning to find that quite funny and ironic. ;-) Jennifer