becky_2765

My daughter is six and I'm filing for the first time this year in
Pembroke. I have unschooled her for Kindergarten and would like to
continue to do so for "first grade", however I'm not sure what to
submit to the school dept. if I don't have a "Curriculum". Any tips?
Thanks, Becky

Jon and Rue Kream

Hi Becky - If you tell us what state you're in we can give you more
accurate/helpful info. ~Rue


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese

I had the biggest "Aha!" moment today about how much my thinking has changed
since I got on this list (in a good way). I was looking around the house
and instead of seeing "messes", I was seeing "play spots" and
"experiements". I realized how much more relaxed my own feelings and
attitude about cleanup have gotten, and how I really only bother entering
into negotiations on the big messes anymore. I think the key is what Ren
keeps saying about how if you put your focus on joy, everything else falls
into place. I was sort of wondering how that worked exactly. Now I see
that I have spent so much time recently focusing on my kids and my
enjoyment, our relationships, our connections, that I just haven't even felt
the need to be bothered about ways to get cooperation if they don't feel
like helping on the smaller stuff (which they often do, but if they don't so
what?). It's just too much energy, and I realized that I've become even
more sensitive to interrupting their playing, thinking, pondering,
wondering, well, just their day - all that other stuff that they're doing
that seems more important than cleaning up or worrying if they make a mess.

I think a hallmark moment for me came when my daughter, who has picked up on
my own cues and tends to think a lot about "messes", mirrored my new more
relaxed attitude by taking a page from her brother's page and smearing some
applesauce I thought she was eating all over the TV tray. I said curiously
"What are you doing?" She said "An experiment", and I thought, "All right!
Thank goodness I haven't made you too crazy about making a mess to
experiment."

I am so thankful for this list. It's amazing to me that this happened
without my even being conscious of it until recently. This really did feel
like it "fell into place".

Joan

Jen Wiley-Cordone

Hi all,

I had a really terrible mommy moment today. Without getting into
specifics, I didn't get my way and I had a fit. I'm having such a hard
time trying to feel the joy with my daughter. I'm sick of playing Wizard
of Oz, I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up feeling like I don't get
my needs met, and I feel like a total failure as a parent. I'm tired and
cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep, I'm eating crap, and
I'm not exercising. (My problems, I know, not my daughter's). In short,
I'm somewhat depressed. Late baby blues from my 4 month old? I don't
know. My sister called in the middle of it and told me that my problem
was that I negotiate too much with my daughter and that she needs to
learn that my priorities (to go to the mall and get out of the house)
are her priorities, and if I carry her kicking and screaming to the car,
she'll get over it and she'll end up having a good time once we get there.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! So, even though I f-ed up today by having my
hissy fit, I'm not so far gone that I'm taking that "advice". So...I'm
turning here to get support and encouragement from folks who are doing a
better job with gentle parenting than I'm able to at this exact
moment.But, I also don't want to model uncontrollable rage (even though
she KNOWS it wasn't directed at her, and we talked about it after)....
so how do I get my needs met so that things don't bottle up and explode?

Thanks for being here, please help me remember that practicing more and
more everyday it will get easier and one day I'll have a post as
wonderful as Joan's :-)

Jen

Sherri-Lee Pressman

Hi Jen,



Not sure I have much to offer, other than been there done that. Not filling
my needs makes for a VERY unhappy and resentful mommy. Having said that I
have found that I am WAY less resentful since I started following more of an
unschooling path. Not as much as some here, but more than we are used to.
Since I started examining my responses and decisions and how respectful I
was acting to my dd I have found my behaviour has changed and so has my
happiness with being a parent.



Today for instance, we got home a couple of hours ago. I have been so sick
for a week and I am NOT getting better it seems like it is getting worse to
be honest. Every moment of the day is a struggle and I have been short and
irritable with my dd. So we got home today after some hours out providing
her with some much needed energy activities, but I was just beat and feeling
awful. Well to my surprise dd has been playing on her own in her play room
since then with only the occasional interruption and I have been on the
internet, watching TV and trying to rest. It is amazing to me.



You say you have a 4 month old and another. how old is the other? And it is
possible that this is part of PPD and you want to keep and eye on that.
Don't go looking just for typical depression symptoms. I had serious PPD for
two years that went undiagnosed by many medical professions, who I guess
knew nothing about it, until I read and article in Readers Digest and
diagnosed myself. It does not have to include not sleeping/sleeping a lot,
not eating/eating a lot, sadness, crying or those typical things. For me it
was anger, resentment, aggression bordering on violence, feeling homicidal
(towards dh:-) he is very resilient). I am not saying you are feeling any of
this, just thought I would mention it.



Do you have someone who could come and stay with the kids for an hour or two
a week to give you a break? Even if you stay in the same house, but another
room, I found it to be very refreshing to be "off duty" so to speak. If so,
take advantage of it and go for it.



Good luck,



Sherri-Lee



_____

From: Jen Wiley-Cordone [mailto:jwileycordone@...]
Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 4:07 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Reassurance




Hi all,

I had a really terrible mommy moment today. Without getting into
specifics, I didn't get my way and I had a fit. I'm having such a hard
time trying to feel the joy with my daughter. I'm sick of playing Wizard
of Oz, I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up feeling like I don't get
my needs met, and I feel like a total failure as a parent. I'm tired and
cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep, I'm eating crap, and
I'm not exercising. (My problems, I know, not my daughter's). In short,
I'm somewhat depressed. Late baby blues from my 4 month old? I don't
know. My sister called in the middle of it and told me that my problem
was that I negotiate too much with my daughter and that she needs to
learn that my priorities (to go to the mall and get out of the house)
are her priorities, and if I carry her kicking and screaming to the car,
she'll get over it and she'll end up having a good time once we get there.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! So, even though I f-ed up today by having my
hissy fit, I'm not so far gone that I'm taking that "advice". So...I'm
turning here to get support and encouragement from folks who are doing a
better job with gentle parenting than I'm able to at this exact
moment.But, I also don't want to model uncontrollable rage (even though
she KNOWS it wasn't directed at her, and we talked about it after)....
so how do I get my needs met so that things don't bottle up and explode?

Thanks for being here, please help me remember that practicing more and
more everyday it will get easier and one day I'll have a post as
wonderful as Joan's :-)

Jen






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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dana Matt

I don't know your situation, so I can only speak about
mine. I find it so much easier to know that I don't
*have* to do anything...If I *need* to go shopping,
usually everyone wants to go, but if they don't, it
can wait until Matt gets home, and the kids can stay
with him. Or I can call him and ask him to pick stuff
up. Or I can call him and tell him to meet us at the
park, and run and do my shopping while everyone plays.
Or go on the weekend as a family. The list is
endless. On Monday, we had a realtor coming to look
at the house. Even though we had the weekend to work
on it, my husband was working mostly on bigger
projects, like installing doorknobs and trim on the
walls, so all the cleaning didn't get done. I
attempted to do it, and I asked Lauren to help me with
a couple of things....but I could see we weren't going
to get done without me demanding that she do more work
and working myself into a sweat as well...So I just
called and rescheduled for today. Matt and I had two
more days to get the house clean, I didn't have to ask
the kids for anything, I didn't have to ask too much
of myself. I could have been crazy, but why? It's
just so much better having her come today.

Ok, off to meet the realtor...
Dana
in MOntana

--- Jen Wiley-Cordone <jwileycordone@...>
wrote:

>
> Hi all,
>
> I had a really terrible mommy moment today. Without
> getting into
> specifics, I didn't get my way and I had a fit. I'm
> having such a hard
> time trying to feel the joy with my daughter. I'm
> sick of playing Wizard
> of Oz, I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up
> feeling like I don't get
> my needs met, and I feel like a total failure as a
> parent. I'm tired and
> cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep,
> I'm eating crap, and
> I'm not exercising. (My problems, I know, not my
> daughter's). In short,
> I'm somewhat depressed. Late baby blues from my 4
> month old? I don't
> know. My sister called in the middle of it and told
> me that my problem
> was that I negotiate too much with my daughter and
> that she needs to
> learn that my priorities (to go to the mall and get
> out of the house)
> are her priorities, and if I carry her kicking and
> screaming to the car,
> she'll get over it and she'll end up having a good
> time once we get there.
>
> I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! So, even though I f-ed
> up today by having my
> hissy fit, I'm not so far gone that I'm taking that
> "advice". So...I'm
> turning here to get support and encouragement from
> folks who are doing a
> better job with gentle parenting than I'm able to at
> this exact
> moment.But, I also don't want to model
> uncontrollable rage (even though
> she KNOWS it wasn't directed at her, and we talked
> about it after)....
> so how do I get my needs met so that things don't
> bottle up and explode?
>
> Thanks for being here, please help me remember that
> practicing more and
> more everyday it will get easier and one day I'll
> have a post as
> wonderful as Joan's :-)
>
> Jen
>
>
>
> ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
> --------------------~-->
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> Toolbar.
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> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
> [email protected]
>
>
>
>




__________________________________
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Wendy E

Big HUGS! All I can say is, I've been there (except mine is
countless "Dinosaur" games instead of "Wizard of Oz").... It
probably just helps to get it out. Hang in there!

--- In [email protected], Jen Wiley-Cordone
<jwileycordone@c...> wrote:
>
> Hi all,
>
> I had a really terrible mommy moment today. Without getting into
> specifics, I didn't get my way and I had a fit. I'm having such a
hard
> time trying to feel the joy with my daughter. I'm sick of playing
Wizard
> of Oz, I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up feeling like I
don't get
> my needs met, and I feel like a total failure as a parent. I'm
tired and
> cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep, I'm eating
crap, and
> I'm not exercising. (My problems, I know, not my daughter's). In
short,
> I'm somewhat depressed. Late baby blues from my 4 month old? I
don't
> know. My sister called in the middle of it and told me that my
problem
> was that I negotiate too much with my daughter and that she needs
to
> learn that my priorities (to go to the mall and get out of the
house)
> are her priorities, and if I carry her kicking and screaming to
the car,
> she'll get over it and she'll end up having a good time once we
get there.
>
> I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! So, even though I f-ed up today by
having my
> hissy fit, I'm not so far gone that I'm taking that "advice".
So...I'm
> turning here to get support and encouragement from folks who are
doing a
> better job with gentle parenting than I'm able to at this exact
> moment.But, I also don't want to model uncontrollable rage (even
though
> she KNOWS it wasn't directed at her, and we talked about it
after)....
> so how do I get my needs met so that things don't bottle up and
explode?
>
> Thanks for being here, please help me remember that practicing
more and
> more everyday it will get easier and one day I'll have a post as
> wonderful as Joan's :-)
>
> Jen

Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese

Jen,

I am sending you a huge *cyberhug* - I am so sorry you had a rough day and
are feeling so down. I have seen you so much with Bethan and you are so
respectful and amazing with her. I'm sure she will not be traumatized by
your having your hissy fit. We've all been there, assuming there are no
saints on this list. She'll just know you're human and now she knows she
doesn't need to be so perfect (LOL). If you really think some of it is baby
blues, call your midwife and get some help for that part of it.

The best I can do about getting your needs met in general is to say that
when I feel overwhelmed by that feeling, I try to sit down and really
identify and evaluate what those needs are that aren't getting met.
Sometimes right there and then I surprise myself with what they really are.
Sometimes I think they are things my kids should be doing, like going out
with me more, but it's really something like more time out of the house
which I could do on my own once I notify my husband, meaning their need to
stay at home gets met too. I think balancing my needs with those of my
children's is the hardest thing I do... it really does get better as they
get older too....

Warmly,
Joan


************************
"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than
live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." ... Harry
Emerson Fosdick


-----Original Message-----
From: Jen Wiley-Cordone [mailto:jwileycordone@...]
Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 7:07 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Reassurance



Hi all,

I had a really terrible mommy moment today. Without getting into
specifics, I didn't get my way and I had a fit. I'm having such a hard
time trying to feel the joy with my daughter. I'm sick of playing Wizard
of Oz, I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up feeling like I don't get
my needs met, and I feel like a total failure as a parent. I'm tired and
cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep, I'm eating crap, and
I'm not exercising. (My problems, I know, not my daughter's). In short,
I'm somewhat depressed. Late baby blues from my 4 month old? I don't
know. My sister called in the middle of it and told me that my problem
was that I negotiate too much with my daughter and that she needs to
learn that my priorities (to go to the mall and get out of the house)
are her priorities, and if I carry her kicking and screaming to the car,
she'll get over it and she'll end up having a good time once we get there.

Ulrike Haupt

Hi Jen

Allow me to assist you with a little pick-me-up that works wonders for me
when I get into the doldrums. It is a little technique that I use to turn
the tables on 'unbearable' situations.

I'll just add a few words to what you have written. Have fun. :)
>
> I had a really terrible mommy moment today. BUT I'm OK
Without getting into
> specifics, I didn't get my way and I had a fit. BUT I'm OK.
I'm having such a hard
> time trying to feel the joy with my daughter. BUT I'm OK
I'm sick of playing Wizard
> of Oz, BUT I'm OK
I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up feeling like I don't get
> my needs met, BUT I'm OK
and I feel like a total failure as a parent. BUT I'm OK
I'm tired and
> cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep,BUT I'm OK
I'm eating crap, and
> I'm not exercising. BUT I'm OK
(My problems, I know, not my daughter's). BUT I'm OK
In short,
> I'm somewhat depressed. BUT I'm OK
Late baby blues from my 4 month old? I don't
> know. BUT I'm OK
My sister called in the middle of it and told me my problem BUT I'm OK

> I negotiate too much with my daughter BUT I'm OK
>
> I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! BUT I'm OK
So, even though I f-ed up today by having my
> hissy fit, I'm not so far gone that I'm taking that "advice". BUT I'm OK
So...I'm
> turning here to get support and encouragement from folks who are doing a
> better job with gentle parenting than I'm able to at this exact
> moment.But, BUT I'm OK
I also don't want to model uncontrollable rage BUT I'm OK
(
> things bottle up and I explode BUT I'm OK


I found that every time things go wrong for me it is based on some
'judgement' I have about me not being OK within any context. So this now is
my personal mantra. " ... BUT I'm OK." Let's face it, each sentence above
that you wrote indicates some form of non-acceptance of self, and that does
not feel good.

A while ago I read that we have this psychological built-in switch about
BUT. Anything that follows a BUT is more true than what went before the BUT.
I decided to put this natural switch to good use and add the BUT with a
positive expression after any 'negative' expression I become aware of for
myself. I find the 'BUT I'm OK' the easiest. You can say other positive
things to yourself.

Blessed be
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa

becky_2765

--- In [email protected], "Jon and Rue Kream"
<skreams@c...> wrote:
> Hi Becky - If you tell us what state you're in we can give you more
> accurate/helpful info. ~Rue
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pembroke, Massachusetts

Ren

"I'm sick of playing Wizard of Oz, I'm tired of "negotiations" that end up feeling like I don't
get my needs met, and I feel like a total failure as a parent. I'm tired and cranky because none of us are getting enough sleep, I'm eating crap, and I'm not exercising. "

First of all, it sounds like you've identified some triggers already.....the sleep issue might not be something you can do much about with a little one, but you can choose to eat better and maybe take some walks with your little ones to get some fresh air and exercise. I find that getting outside and walking can really change the atomosphere when things get tense. The little ones can always find neat things to look at and observe whether you're in the city or country. Srap that baby to your body and GO.:)
Another good distractor when things are tense and I need a break, is pulling out some toys we've had put away for a while, or some dollar store goodies I keep stashed (new pens, books, dolls, games etc...)
New food is another good distractor.

Another thing I'm wondering, is are you stating your feelings honestly to your child? It sounds like you're playing this Wizard of Oz when you really don't want to...that isn't being honest and might be building up resentment for you. If you really don't want to do something, tell her and offer some other choices. Use creative problem solving to find a middle ground. Negotiation doesn't mean discussing until one person gives in, it means trying to come to a common ground, or find a solution you can BOTH live with.

You've got a lot to deal with just having a wee babe in arms....it takes a lot of prevention to take care of yourself and still give your older child what they need. And when you feel totally overwhelmed with nothing left to give, just know that others have felt the same way, that all is well and you're not going to have these feelings forever. Try to picture that little one as a teenager and just suck up every sweet moment while they're little.:)
Reading stories while cuddled up, or movies/tv is a great way to give an older child something interesting, while you can hold and nurse the baby. Use all the tools you've got!

Another thing I thought of, is myself in these situations. I tend to start feeling the stress and I bury it until I'm a ticking time bomb. It's important to state your needs and desires before it gets to that point. WE are responsible to head this off at the pass, our families can't read our minds. I'm sure you know all of this, but sometimes we all need a reminder to speak up and state our needs loudly.:)

Ren

Learn about unschooling at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/

TreeGoddess

On Aug 12, 2004, at 12:58 AM, Ulrike Haupt wrote:

> I found that every time things go wrong for me it is based on some
> 'judgement' I have about me not being OK within any context. So this
> now is
> my personal mantra. " ... BUT I'm OK."

Oooo, good one, Ulrike! I'll have to remember that. :)
-Tracy-

Jon and Rue Kream

>>Pembroke, Massachusetts

**Hi Becky - We live in West Bridgewater, MA. Our town has a form they want
us to fill out each year with name, address, etc. On that form they ask for
our curriculum. I say 'see attached', and the attachment says that we will
follow their interests, which lead us to (fill in the list of required
subjects). They want a list of materials, so I say there's no way to list
them all, but a few of the things we will be using are (fill in a bunch of
things). I say that we will exceed the number of hours required for Public
School students by MA law, and that an annual report is available upon
request.

There's a sample 'unschooling curriculum' here:
http://sandradodd.com/unschoolingcurriculum. I give a lot less info than
that, though. Another sample is at: http://www.ahem.info/EDPlanSample.htm.
I like that one because it's short and to the point. I've never said
anything about our morals, though.

AHEM has a good general tip page, too:
http://www.ahem.info/TipsforWritingYourEdPlan.htm. ~Rue




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/12/2004 3:18:37 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
becky_2765@... writes:

Hi Becky - If you tell us what state you're in we can give you more
> accurate/helpful info. ~Rue


Pembroke, Massachusetts<<<<

Boy, are YOU in luck! <g>

~Kelly







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jennefer harper

Wow, sounds familiar! I have two small boys who are
21 1/2 months a part (1yr and a 3yr old) so I hear ya.
Do you have a group of parents that you can form a
playgroup with? We do a playgroup once a week and
make it a potluck so everyone gets fed, the kids get
to play, and the parents get to relax a little and
share with each other.

I'm OK, you're OK!
(I loved that Ulrike!)
-Jennefer



__________________________________
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Jen Wiley-Cordone

Hi all,

Thanks all for your posts, they were extremely helpful as was your mere
existence here! I have taken some of everything, and now I have archives
for the future. So the sleep problems aren't baby-related, they're from
DD. She had peacefully, gradually and successfully transferred into her
own bed in her own room at about 2 years old. She started have sleep
problems about three weeks ago, and sleeping with all four us in the
queen sized bed has not been getting anyone enough sleep, so we're
working figuring out better arrangements. Mostly it's about me
reconnecting/reassuring her during the day. We're figuring it out though :-)

After I posted we went to the mall (for an entirely differently
reason....to fix the phone I had broken). It was DD's idea actually.
When we got home, my husband was home (about two hours early) because he
knew how stressed I sounded. I went for a 15 minute walk by myself, and
when I came back DH made dinner with the baby in the sling, and DD and I
played on the trampoline, picked up the loose (empty) bee hives in the
yard (don't ask), and played "Oh no the Giants are Going to Get Us We
Have to Run Far Far Away" until it got dark out. Excellent reconnection.
When I asked DD about her favorite part of the day and the thing she
would most like to do differently in the future (part of our standard
bed time routine) she didn't even mention my "hissy fit".

The next day, we dropped everything and invited a friend to go blueberry
picking. Another excellent day where I just relaxed. What turned the
corner for me was seeking out help when I needed it (from you and from
my husband) and consciously rejecting the bad advice from my sister.

Thanks again,

Jen

becky_2765

--- In [email protected], "Jon and Rue Kream"
<skreams@c...> wrote:
> >>Pembroke, Massachusetts


Jon and Rue, Thanks so much. I just came back from the unschooling
conference and got the same advice. very reassuring! I'm not alone!

Becky
>
> **Hi Becky - We live in West Bridgewater, MA. Our town has a form
they want
> us to fill out each year with name, address, etc. On that form
they ask for
> our curriculum. I say 'see attached', and the attachment says
that we will
> follow their interests, which lead us to (fill in the list of
required
> subjects). They want a list of materials, so I say there's no way
to list
> them all, but a few of the things we will be using are (fill in a
bunch of
> things). I say that we will exceed the number of hours required
for Public
> School students by MA law, and that an annual report is available
upon
> request.
>
> There's a sample 'unschooling curriculum' here:
> http://sandradodd.com/unschoolingcurriculum. I give a lot less
info than
> that, though. Another sample is at:
http://www.ahem.info/EDPlanSample.htm.
> I like that one because it's short and to the point. I've never
said
> anything about our morals, though.
>
> AHEM has a good general tip page, too:
> http://www.ahem.info/TipsforWritingYourEdPlan.htm. ~Rue
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]