Faith Void

I am having an issue involving my 10.5 y/o dd. I am not parenting her
the way I'd like to recently. (also we just had a baby a week ago and
I am very short on energy) I feel like I have run out of creativity
and patience and perspective. She is beginning the "pre-teen" years
and embracing others ideas of what that means. I know that mostly she
is just trying stuff out to see if it works but some of it is really
affecting me (and the family). She seems (by her words and actions) to
be dissatisfied with everything. Like this morning, I had my dh pick
up some donuts on his way home from Home Depot so we didn't have to
stop in the middle of a project and fix breakfast. dd doesn't usually
eat donuts, she doesn't prefer them. So I ask dh to pick her up a
bagel instead and the kind of donut I last remember her eating (just
in case) I didn't ask her because she was still sleeping and it didn't
seem like a good reason to wake her. When she wakes up I tell her papa
stopped and got donuts, she looks disappointed and says "oh"
dejectedly. But wants to check it out anyway. and we go downstairs
together. When we get there I show her the donut and she complains
that she hates that kind, she hasn't liked it in over a year. I say oh
yeah I had papa get you a bagel (no one else got a bagel). She pulls
the bagel out and says oh I only got a plain bagel, I like egg and
cheese on mine. I apologized for not getting the right thing (i had
forgotten that she preferred them this way) and offered to make her an
egg with cheese to put on the bagel. She says never mind and eats the
donut as though it is a chore. In the past she typically happy when we
got her things, even if they weren't exactly right. Now I feel like I
can't do anything right by her. And she'll say things to me like
"well, that's what pre-teens do!" as though that excuses meanness and
being callous to others. I don't understand this new era of
development and she is my oldest so this is totally new territory! I
don't really have a network of support irl so I am hoping that people
on here can help me get back on track with her. We are AP type parents
but I have no idea how to relate this to the older child, and I
definately don't want to parent in the traditional way or how I was
parented (which I have started to hear my parents twisted logic pop
out of my mouth, which is why I am asking for help!)
thanks
Faith

greenqueen72

Hi Faith~

I understand how you feel. I too have dd's- well- 3 of them. 12, 9.5, &
7 and I hear your sadness and frustration. I try to remember how I felt
at their ages and purpose not to take too much too personally. My 2
oldest can behave very erratically at times & then at others can be very
kind, giving and sweet. It is hard to always know how to respond or
react, but I can suggest you step back when she is like that and just
see her through it- it will pass. What I think they need most is our
stability and unconditional presence. What they are going through at
this age is new and maybe even a bit scary so our consistent patience
(and I understand you are tired) will help them feel safe. I thought
home schooling would cause an almost complete escape from many of the
issues I was warned about (ughhh- insensitive people!) -it has made it
more tolerable and we have plenty of time to talk through things- but
developmental stuff happens. As Moms, I think we take soooo much to
heart and just want to please and shelter our kids from any pain, but as
we all know the hard times are what propels us toward growth and
maturity- IMO- of course. We can't change everything but we can help by
being present, offering lots of hugs and an always open ear, providing
as healthy of an environment as possible, and empowering them by
trusting that they will succeed and overcome whatever comes their way. I
hope that encourages you. Remember too that you are at a new time also
and allow your dd to see you learning to adjust to change (with your
new baby- congratulations!) That in itself is life altering and
intimidating in some ways- perhaps to her as well as you. I remember
when each of my babies were born and it is as much of a challenge for
the other people in the family as it is for us.
((hugs 2 u))
Rachel

--- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
<littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
>
> I am having an issue involving my 10.5 y/o dd. I am not parenting her
> the way I'd like to recently. (also we just had a baby a week ago and
> I am very short on energy) I feel like I have run out of creativity
> and patience and perspective. She is beginning the "pre-teen" years
> and embracing others ideas of what that means. I know that mostly she
> is just trying stuff out to see if it works but some of it is really
> affecting me (and the family). She seems (by her words and actions) to
> be dissatisfied with everything. Like this morning, I had my dh pick
> up some donuts on his way home from Home Depot so we didn't have to
> stop in the middle of a project and fix breakfast. dd doesn't usually
> eat donuts, she doesn't prefer them. So I ask dh to pick her up a
> bagel instead and the kind of donut I last remember her eating (just
> in case) I didn't ask her because she was still sleeping and it didn't
> seem like a good reason to wake her. When she wakes up I tell her papa
> stopped and got donuts, she looks disappointed and says "oh"
> dejectedly. But wants to check it out anyway. and we go downstairs
> together. When we get there I show her the donut and she complains
> that she hates that kind, she hasn't liked it in over a year. I say oh
> yeah I had papa get you a bagel (no one else got a bagel). She pulls
> the bagel out and says oh I only got a plain bagel, I like egg and
> cheese on mine. I apologized for not getting the right thing (i had
> forgotten that she preferred them this way) and offered to make her an
> egg with cheese to put on the bagel. She says never mind and eats the
> donut as though it is a chore. In the past she typically happy when we
> got her things, even if they weren't exactly right. Now I feel like I
> can't do anything right by her. And she'll say things to me like
> "well, that's what pre-teens do!" as though that excuses meanness and
> being callous to others. I don't understand this new era of
> development and she is my oldest so this is totally new territory! I
> don't really have a network of support irl so I am hoping that people
> on here can help me get back on track with her. We are AP type parents
> but I have no idea how to relate this to the older child, and I
> definately don't want to parent in the traditional way or how I was
> parented (which I have started to hear my parents twisted logic pop
> out of my mouth, which is why I am asking for help!)
> thanks
> Faith
>

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Faith Void"
<littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
>I don't understand this new era of
> development

It sounds as though she's starting to go through some dramatic
internal changes - the way she thinks and sees the world is starting
to shift away from more concrete to more abstract patterns of
thinking and perception. That's a pretty unsettling experience, and
may account for a lot of her overall disatisfaction.

As to what you can *do* about that? Mostly just be aware that she's
going through a transitional time and transitions are never easy.
Beyond that, take your cues from her - even though they will
undoubtably be very very mixed. She may be wanting to be alone more,
for example, to process some of these big new ideas, and
simultaneously want to stay as distracted as possible so that she
doesn't *have* to think. Do you see how those conflicting urges
might lead to her being hard to get along with?

> She seems (by her words and actions) to
> be dissatisfied with everything.

Does she seem to be looking for new directions to go in overall? She
may *be* dissatisfied in a sort of general sense. Nothing feels like
it "fits" anymore, on a conceptual level. Maybe she needs to find a
new interest that she can grow into (although I'd be willing to bet
she'd be at least as intimidated as excited by the idea). Depending
on how she is overall, she may be looking for totally new things to
read or watch or do, totally new people to hang out with.

> (also we just had a baby a week ago and
> I am very short on energy)

Well, that's an added challenge, for sure. She may even feel torn
between playing caretaker and getting as far away from the baby as
possible *and* wanting her mommy back (and wanting mommy to leave
her alone and let her figure out what she wants dangit). Aaaaaaack!

Anyway, try to keep in mind that her *needs* are changing. They're
still the same concrete human needs of food and rest and comfort and
all that, but she is starting to have more conceptual needs, too,
that she's having trouble identifying and expressing.

Sorry not to be more helpful!

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)

hbmccarty

I wanted to respond to this as my daughter is also 10.5 and is going
through a challenging time of both pushing me away and needing more at
times. She can be very angry and sad at times and especially angry at me
and I find that very difficult. She says things to me and I feel so sad
and hurt afterwards. it is taking a huge amount of energy to continue to
just be there for her- to care for myself in ways that allow those hurt
feelings to pass so I can move on with her. She is very envious of her
brother who is 14 and has many passions and friends. She wants friends
but is having difficulty connecting in the situations we are in and has
had difficult times with a couple friends lately. She is just going
through a large change, overall. She is beginning to find new interests-
which is really exciting, but the friends part isn't falling into place
and I feel like I really am not able to help her with this(though I will
keep trying) - she just isn't willing as much anymore to do things she
doesn't prefer in order to be part of a group or be with another person
and her interests are getting really specific. This is okay except she
feels sad and lonely. I am her main connection. It will take time and
just being with all the emotions for her and for myself is important
right now. I am needing to drop some other things to give her more time.
The idea that kids just gradually need less attention as they grow is a
false one as they at times need so much going through transitions such
as entering the teen years. This has been a challenge for me to accept.

My daughter needs sleep next to me sometimes, needs to be taken lots of
places, needs lots of treats and new things and supplies for projects,
needs especially to be reassured constantly in many ways that she is
important and worth my time and resources.

My son went through this at one point- growing away from friends in the
midst of finding new interests, but he has found a couple of things he
loves to do with friends and in general is a more accommodating person-
or is with friend that he likes, anyway. He is willing to work at
finding things to enjoy together. He very seemed discontent for a while
also.

Heather


Meredith wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected]
> <mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>, "Faith Void"
> <littlemsvoid@...> wrote:
> >I don't understand this new era of
> > development
>
> It sounds as though she's starting to go through some dramatic
> internal changes - the way she thinks and sees the world is starting
> to shift away from more concrete to more abstract patterns of
> thinking and perception. That's a pretty unsettling experience, and
> may account for a lot of her overall disatisfaction.
>
>
>
> .
>
>