LR

Feeling pretty good today. DH just returned from a deployment. As happy a
time as reconnecting is, it is not without stress of its own. Over the years
we have worked hard are recognizing and identifying those times to be extra
alert. I think we have done a pretty good job at that. I know this is a long
lead in but please bear with me.I want to get the whole thing out because it
helps me deepen my understanding of the processes I am trying to work with.



Anyway, ds has recently got into Pokemon in a major way. Thanks to all I
have learned here and from other sources, I found myself willing to support
that as much as I can find ways to do so. It is fun! I enjoy a lot of the
Pokemon stuff now that I have learned about it. (Much to the chagrin of many
people I know who think I am insane for encouraging his "obsession" when I
talk about his "passion" for all things Pokemon! And are now upset their
kids want them to learn it too!) So sure there are times when the money to
get the all the brand new stuff hasn't been equivalent to the amount of
items desired. We are keeping a list and keeping our eyes/minds open for
other ways to get those things. We lucked out and found three Pokemon themed
board games for free in an unexpected place! We have traded some
unneeded/unwanted items for Pokemon stuff, we bought a bunch of stuff right
then when the extra $$ was available rather than waiting for the b-day,
Christmas etc. we have had lots of chats to find ways to get as much as he
wants as we can. So I feel good. It hasn't been totally snafu free and I
feel good about how much different it has been than in the past. I like
seeing this at work.



One of the issues this exuberance brought up is the amount of stuff spread
out around the house. I know this topic has been covered in depth on various
unschooling boards/sites so I keep going back and re-reading posts/articles
when I feel myself getting overwhelmed. We have created a number of areas
that are ds "zones". areas that he can do with as he wishes with no
interference from me (other than making holes in the wall bigger than small
nails to hang stuff, that is a requirement of our lease and I don't want to
pay damages when we leave here.and it hasn't presented a problem because
there hasn't been any reason he wanted to make bigger holes there than
that.) These zones have been created thru discussion between ds and me. I
explained how I love that he has so many things related to Pokemon to enjoy
and that I enjoy having them out where he can get to them easily any time he
wants. And I explained that because I do best when I get up and exercise
first thing in the morning I find myself really grumpy when I have to move
so many things in order to clear the space I utilize for exercise. I asked
him if he is willing to help come up with a way we can both have what we
want in this area and not impede each other's use. Before I even mentioned
any of my ideas, he asked if he could have one of the empty totes to put
everything into at the end of the day (whenever he gets ready for bed) that
can be left downstairs so he can get them out when he gets up in the
morning. WOW! I readily agreed. It was even more simple than some of the
ideas I came up with. It has been working great! Mainly because as laid back
as I am about so many things, and how I am about function over form when it
comes to the house, (I don't care about disorganization for the most part)
there are times when I just want to be able to come down the stairs and have
the area in front of the tv clear so I can use my videos. I have tried
having it in other areas so we didn't need to go there and both ds and I
didn't like the way those tries worked out. Really though, that is all
stuff I feel I have a pretty good handle on already.



DS also really likes to keep packaging that his stuff comes in. This has
been a struggle for me for a long time (his whole life since he has almost
always liked the packages as much as the toys from a very early age.)
because packaging could easily overtake our whole house if we kept all of
them (small housing with no real "storage"). So about a year ago I asked
what it was about the packages he wants to hang on to. He explained it is
the pictures they put on the packages. I asked what he thinks about cutting
the packaging to keep just the pictures and recycling the rest. He thought
that a good idea so we have done that since with a few exceptions that were
mutually agreed upon.



Yesterday, ds used some b-day money to buy two Pokemon toys we had been
keeping a lookout for. As usual he wanted to keep the packaging and I asked
if he wanted the whole package (there are times when this is so and we have
done what we can to accommodate that) and he said it was just the pictures
on the back that he wanted. So we took those home with us (we open toys as
soon as we leave the store most times, especially when we have more stops to
make like yesterday) and cut out the part he wanted as soon as we got home.
When he had everything out I asked if he is willing to keep those in the
tote with everything else that goes in there so the area I need in the
mornings could be clear. He said that was ok with him. So anyway, I went to
bed before he and dh last night. When I came down this morning, everything
was left out. I hadn't slept well (ds woke up with the first "bad" dream he
has had in over a year) and am still wiped out from the way my last two
weeks have gone (dealing with a friend's miscarriage, watching her 3yo, 2yo
and 9mo kids which was a huge challenge for me, not knowing about dh for no
contact for a week. etc.) so I was thrown back into old stuff pretty easily
this morning when there was a bunch of stuff everywhere including DVD's, PS2
games/covers, books and pokemon stuff including the new packaging. I found
myself grumbling and pissed off and wanting to throw it all in the trash
can. And then I had an AH-HA moment. I realized I hit on something deep
within myself, it had very little to do with what was in front of me and the
best I could do was to just move it aside, or put it away myself or just not
worry about it and try exercising later after ds and dh were up. I chose to
move it aside though still feeling pretty put out about the whole thing.
(now hours later I see how in the big picture, it was such a little thing
and my reaction so exaggerated.)



So I called my Dad. Usually he is my biggest supporter for learning about
this stuff and generally agrees with the stuff I try to do to deepen my
connection with ds. So how shocked was I when he started telling me to throw
it away or put it away and "make" ds "buy it back" and some other
suggestions just as harsh? I about hit the freaking floor, I felt nauseous
and angry and dumbfounded. Now I realized how much of my uneasiness with all
of the "mess" all along had to do with how it was handled when I was a kid.
I remembered when I was as kid, keeping all my schoolwork in files and my
mother pitching a git one day because she wanted me to get rid of them and
clean my room and taking them all and throwing everything in my room onto
the floor and then beating me on the rear when I tried to stop her.



I also realized that my dad is now projecting a lot of bullsh*t stuff he is
dealing with related to this 86 year old woman he lives with and helps out
onto ds. I wanted to scream. A whole bunch of stuff like that related to my
childhood came flooding back into my conscious memory. I cried and cried. I
still need to go back and talk to my Dad about how much that kind of stuff
hurt. I didn't agree to do any of that with ds and I didn't directly oppose
him on it. I am actually doing a good job of not beating myself up over that
too. I was shocked and it is ok that I didn't directly oppose it in that
moment. I know I will get to that place that I feel strong enough in my
convictions about unschooling to speak in the moment. For now at least my
awareness is kicking in. I am actually glad I called my Dad, dong so
presented me with the opportunity to work through a whole bunch of that
before ds got up. I ended up being able to just pick it all up and put it in
the tote, put the games and movies in their homes and create my workout
space. When ds came downstairs, he saw it was all different and immediately
said he was sorry he forgot to put stuff away (not that I expected him to or
asked him to, he did it before I even said good morning to him). I was able
to genuinely say to him that it was no biggie, I just did it so I could work
out and we had a great morning!



Even now typing this out I feel more stuff coming up and I know I have more
work to do on myself. I just feel so grateful that I have come far enough
along on this path I was able to keep from passing that crap on in this
moment for another generation to deal with. I may end up passing a bunch of
other stuff (hopefully not though!) on that I am yet to become aware of and
it feels good to know for once I feel like I really got it about unschooling
and deschooling and choosing the path of joy and genuine connection with ds
rather than imposing my ideas on him.



I just thought it might be nice to share that on here. I have a feeling this
is the place other people are most likely to get "it" why it is so huge for
me to notice the way today has gone.



I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.



lisa



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