Susan

I'm reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" and loving it. Our whole
family is fairly spirited (or "spunky" as the author calls it), but
our son is really highly spirited. There are times when I'm just
overwhelmed or confused because I just can't figure out how to make
things click and go smoother for everyone.

This book is helping me see his POV and understand his temperament
much better. Our needs - in terms of space, interaction, physical
activity, etc - are on opposite ends of the spectrum. We're both
intense people, but he is *very* extroverted whereas I am highly
introverted. I've long suspected this but didn't have a good grasp on
what extroverts need. Ah, now it makes sense! Reading through the
small section in this book on introverts/extroverts, I am better able
to see the *whys* behind his behavior. It's helped me put myself in
his shoes and respond to his needs with more compassion... but...

While this is helping me understand him better, I'm still short on
having the actual tools to help us all meet our needs. Maybe some
folks can develop them on the fly once the understanding is in place,
but in this case I realize I need some help getting from point A
(understanding) to point B (making it work). DH asked me how we can
put this knowledge to practical use... hmm. The book doesn't discuss
what to do if the family is composed of 3 people who are introverts
and one that is a strong extrovert. I need real-world suggestions for
making it work. There are times when it seems like he takes what he
needs even when it's over the threshold of what the rest of us can
comfortably handle. I *know* there are positive solutions and ways to
really appreciate this part of his personality. When his extrovert
needs are met, he really sparkles. But afterwards I'm often left
feeling exhausted and my energy is drained and I get cranky.

It's a lot for DH & DD to handle as well. If the kids fight it's
usually because one wants space and quiet (daughter) and the other
wants conversation and physical closeness (son). I've tried to be a
buffer between them - to help ds get his need for interaction met
while dd enjoys a period of quiet, but afterwards I feel drained and
have no reserves left for others or myself. I can't concentrate well,
problem solve, or react calmly and rationally when my energy level
gets that low. It feels that whenever I reach that point something
happens that is like that proverbial straw on the camel's back and I
end up frustrated, overwhelmed, and grouchy.

He's five and isn't good at negotiating or understanding others' needs
yet. Explaining that if DD has some quiet time by herself then she'll
be ready to play or that I need a few minutes alone doesn't work.
We've talked about his needs vs the needs of others and balancing give
and take, etc, with empathic language and lots of patience. But he
cannot fathom why anyone would want to be alone or why we need quiet
space or that the bouncing, fidgeting and constant stream of sound is
difficult for our sensory systems to handle hour after hour. I know it
doesn't make sense to him because in his world being around others and
moving his body makes him feel good. I know he is just trying to meet
his needs - and this realization has helped tremendously from my
*reaction* standpoint, but the rest of still need to meet our needs,
too, and I'm at a loss there. I know there is a win-win solution.

Can anyone recommend a book that discusses introverts & extroverts and
has practical ideas for creating harmony & meeting everyone's needs
when different types are living together?

Thanks in advance,
~ Susan

Lisa Heyman

Susan - I have a very high energy extroverted child as well. A couple of
things that help us in our house.

1. I attempt to set up as many playdates as possible. First I make
sure these are friends she wants to be with. I also select time and place
and length of time of engagement where I know it will best suit all
involved. This helps to spread some of the energy outward and relieves me
of the full intensity all the time. I use the time she is engaged with
others to take care of what I need to do. Sometimes that means focusing on
my other dd.
2. Mothers helper. Find an older child, teenager or adult who can come
and give my dd the attention she deserves.
3. Consciously using my dh. Setting up special time for them one on
one. A trip to the zoo or a movie together.
4. Physical outlets and activities. AS much as possible for her.
While she still wants me present at the place she takes dance classes or
tumbles, I use that time to stitch or knit. (reading a book doesn't work
because she wants my attention focused on her). This is my down time.
5. My dd is very loquacious. When we are out she can spend an hour
talking to someone and not want to leave someplace even though the rest of
us are ready to go. I bring along book or handwork or use this time to
engage with my other family members. I use this time as my rest time while
she engages others around her. My dd is no longer 5yo and so now I don't
have to participate in the conversations as I once did as she often needed
interpretation and unfortunately adults could be disrespectful to a young
child's honest inquiries. But now that she's 9 - she navigates
conversations pretty well with strangers and 99% of the time adults are
tickled by her attention and interest.



As draining as it feels now, as you continue to respectfully honor him by
responding with patience explanations about how others feel the need for
quiet or down time, he will learn to navigate these social cues himself in
time. My dd is extrodinarily sensitive to understanding others energy
boundaries because her energy boundaries have been honored in a respectful
manner. This came with age.



I hope some of these ideas help.

Lisa Heyman



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