Sarah Luegge

My husband and I had a nice discussion about making some changes in our parenting decisions last night! I feel so great :o) First, let me preface this by saying, that we have been looking for solutions to improve the current state of affairs in our house, so he was open to hearing my suggestions AND he was in a really great mood when he got home  because he's got a new job that he really loves (good for ALL of us - no more Grumpy Dad!) Timing is EVERYTHING. This would not have gone so smoothly if dh had not been ready for a change.

 

So here's what I did:

Yesterday afternoon I did my homework, reading articles at Life Learning Magazine, Autonomous Child, Sandra Dodd.com and Taking Children Seriously, and I printed out a couple of articles that really spoke to me. Then I wrote a letter (I often approach big issues by writing because I am better able to organize my thoughts in writing). I wasn't sure if I'd actually give the letter to dh - sometimes I just use my letters as an outline for a verbal discussion. But in this case I gave him my letter (one page) and two articles (three more pages) to read when he got home from work. Let me point out here that it is dh's custom to read the mail or a magazine when he gets home, and I often print out interesting articles for him, so he was cool with me handing him some reading material. Here's an excerpt from the letter:

 

"We are people who have decided that traditional religion and traditional education does not work for our family. It is my opinion that traditional parenting (that is, parenting that involves yelling, spanking, guilt, threats, etc.) is not working for our family either. We have decided that we want to raise children who are true to themselves, who make their own decisions instead of following the crowd, who are strong and confident and tolerant and compassionate. I don't think that we're �walking the talk� on this. Our ideas and our actions are not in sync at all.

 

I know you will agree that we are the main role models for our kids. And that you will agree that you don't like being an �angry Dad� just as I don't like being an �angry Mom.� When we decided we didn't like traditional religion, we found an alternative that worked for us. When we decided that we didn't like traditional education, we found an alternative that worked for us. So, naturally it follows that if finding alternatives in the areas of religion and education has worked for us, and now we see that we're having problems in the area of  parenting, we should look for an alternative to the traditional way of parenting."

 

Here are links to the articles that accompanied my letter:

http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/read.html Tracy Athens� article �Go Find Something To Do� in the March/April 2003 issue was my big AHA! I realized that I was �Ol� Eagle Eyes� � not giving my kids room to breathe.

 http://autonomouschild.co.uk/  Jan Fortune-Wood�s article �An introduction to nurturing children�s autonomy� truly inspired me.

 

And a couple of other great links that inspired me:

http://sandradodd.com/life

http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/

  

I gave him time to read and absorb everything, then we left the kids with his sister and went to run some errands. We talked in the car about our current �issues� with the kids (food, bedtime, TV, video games�) and came up with workable solutions. Both of us agree that the kids need more independence in order to be Who They Are, but we are not ready to relinquish all control just yet (baby steps). If anyone is interested I will share specifics about the solutions we came up with and how they are working in practice.

 

I hope this helps some of you :o)

Sarah

Tina

What an inspiration you are, Sarah! You go girl! You approached the
whole thing very wonderfully. That was awesome. Your husband sounds
like a great man. I'm so glad for you all that he was receptive to
your ideas and concerns. That's just great!

Tina

mom2ckm

Tina,

Funny that you'd say I'm an inspiration, when I was inspired by your
posts and the responses you got. I like how the Universe works -
when you're ready for a transformation, all the tools and
inspiration you need are suddenly right in front of you and you just
have to trust yourself enough to take the necessary steps.

Yes, my husband is a great man. And I'm glad that we're growing
together instead of growing apart like my parents did. Sure, we
still disagree on things, but I at least we're communicating! And
more often than not when we sit down to discuss an issue we find
that our viewpoints are not really very different. Just a little
compromise and creative thinking and we're off and running again.

We're still figuring out the unschooling lifestyle, but we're all
growing and learning together. And for me that's what it's all about.

:o) Sarah

--- In [email protected], "Tina" <zoocrew@w...>
wrote:
> What an inspiration you are, Sarah! You go girl! You approached
the
> whole thing very wonderfully. That was awesome. Your husband
sounds
> like a great man. I'm so glad for you all that he was receptive
to
> your ideas and concerns. That's just great!
>
> Tina

Tina

Sarah

I really am so happy that you shared your personal experiences with
us. I'm especially glad that you shared how your conversation went.
The reason it's such an inspiration to me is that our situation has
been so tough for so long. It's so nice to know that there is
someone out there that can just relate.

As a matter of fact we had a huge blow out last night. I got SO
angry with myself after that because I allowed myself to get caught
up. There have been plenty of times when I have maintained my
composure and didn't lose it, but this was not one of them. Why do
we allow ourselves to "communicate" in such a manner? Why do our
voices have to raise when we are having trouble communicating? Do we
think that they'll understand us any better? I just don't get it...

Pat and I are at the stage, I certainly hope it's a stage, where we
just don't understand each other at all. It's almost like we're
strangers. I just hate it! I've read SO MANY books over the years
on communication, etc. I really wonder how much knowledge can really
help in this situation. I do continue to persist, but it's SO DARNED
HARD!!!

I spent last night on the couch. He came and got me early this
morning and we apologized. The thing is this. I am sorry for my
lack of composure, but I am not sorry for being me. I am not sorry
for my beliefs and my opinions about what was/is bothering me.

The good thing is that we are talking now, and I'm sure we will
through out the course of the weekend. The door is open now. I
guess I really need to get that book everyone is talking about.

Thanks again - Tina

mom2ckm

--- In [email protected], "Tina" <zoocrew@w...>
wrote:

> The good thing is that we are talking now, and I'm sure we will
> through out the course of the weekend. The door is open now. I
> guess I really need to get that book everyone is talking about.
>
> Thanks again - Tina

My husband and I went through a long stage of not being able to
communicate without fighting. But we've grown a lot and learned a
lot over the years. We still have our disagreements, but we work
them out. Quite frankly, I'm surprised at how easy it was to get him
to see my point of view on our control issues. 5 years ago it would
have been a huge argument. I guess I had underestimated how far
we've come!

I wish you luck, Tina. I am proud of you for staying true to who you
are. That is not an easy thing to do in a situation like this. I
will be thinking of you this weekend and sending positive thoughts
your way.

:o) Sarah

Tina

<<But we've grown a lot and learned a lot over the years.>>

May I ask you how long you and your husband have been together?
Also, how many children do you have?

<<I wish you luck, Tina. I am proud of you for staying true to who
you are. That is not an easy thing to do in a situation like this.>>

Man, are you right on that one! Whew...

<<I will be thinking of you this weekend and sending positive
thoughts your way. :o) Sarah>>

Thank you so much...

Tina

mom2ckm

--- In [email protected], "Tina" <zoocrew@w...>
wrote:
>
> May I ask you how long you and your husband have been together?
> Also, how many children do you have?
>

Hi Tina,

My husband and I have been married 13 years, and we have 3 kids ages
8, 5, and almost 2.

Sarah