Frightened by LA Times Story (cross posted)
Elenita Santaballa
Hi all. I am Elena, adoptive mama to 8 mo. old
Xavier. Since Xavi came home to us at 2 1/2 mo. of
age, we have been operating as a RU family with the
intention of continuing.
I am writing because yesterday and today, the LA Times
featured on its front page a two-part story about open
adoption.
The story discusses (among other things):
That 41% of adopted children have seen a counselor for
emotional or behavioral problems, compared with 18% of
their non-adopted peers.
The adopted child featured in the story who struggled
for most of her childhood with anxiety about whether
or not her adoptive parents would abandon her like her
birth parents had.
How the child regularly tested her adoptive parents
with "very bad behavior" to test their commitment to
her.
How different the little girl felt in comparison to
her adoptive parents.
How the little girl grew up to have drug problems,
etc.
Talk about taking all my fears and anxieties and
punching me in the stomach with them. Our son is
likely to feel different from us as he is
African-American while I am a light-skinned hispanic
and his papa is a "gringo."
Xavi's birthmom and I have a lovely relationship, but
she is 15. I am unsure as to what to expect from her
in the future.
The story is long, but if any of you have read it--or
if any of you are interested in reading it--and
commenting on it from an unschooling perspective, I
would appreciate it. I am also going to post this on
the "Always Unschooled" list as I know that there are
parents there with very young children. I apologize
in advance to those of you who are on both lists.
The URLs for the story are:
Part 1: http://tinyurl.com/2dsqgh
Part 2: http://tinyurl.com/2844pr
Many thanks,
Elena
-------------------------------------
Wife to Mark.
Mama to 4 beloved boys:
Xavier Rinchen b. 12-3-06, in my arms 2-27-07.
Triplet sons Carlos Leo, Rafael George, Loran Jose (Rafi's identical twin) born/died 3/9/05 & greatly loved
http://www.cubanayogini.com/
____________________________________________________________________________________
Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more.
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Xavier. Since Xavi came home to us at 2 1/2 mo. of
age, we have been operating as a RU family with the
intention of continuing.
I am writing because yesterday and today, the LA Times
featured on its front page a two-part story about open
adoption.
The story discusses (among other things):
That 41% of adopted children have seen a counselor for
emotional or behavioral problems, compared with 18% of
their non-adopted peers.
The adopted child featured in the story who struggled
for most of her childhood with anxiety about whether
or not her adoptive parents would abandon her like her
birth parents had.
How the child regularly tested her adoptive parents
with "very bad behavior" to test their commitment to
her.
How different the little girl felt in comparison to
her adoptive parents.
How the little girl grew up to have drug problems,
etc.
Talk about taking all my fears and anxieties and
punching me in the stomach with them. Our son is
likely to feel different from us as he is
African-American while I am a light-skinned hispanic
and his papa is a "gringo."
Xavi's birthmom and I have a lovely relationship, but
she is 15. I am unsure as to what to expect from her
in the future.
The story is long, but if any of you have read it--or
if any of you are interested in reading it--and
commenting on it from an unschooling perspective, I
would appreciate it. I am also going to post this on
the "Always Unschooled" list as I know that there are
parents there with very young children. I apologize
in advance to those of you who are on both lists.
The URLs for the story are:
Part 1: http://tinyurl.com/2dsqgh
Part 2: http://tinyurl.com/2844pr
Many thanks,
Elena
-------------------------------------
Wife to Mark.
Mama to 4 beloved boys:
Xavier Rinchen b. 12-3-06, in my arms 2-27-07.
Triplet sons Carlos Leo, Rafael George, Loran Jose (Rafi's identical twin) born/died 3/9/05 & greatly loved
http://www.cubanayogini.com/
____________________________________________________________________________________
Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more.
http://mobile.yahoo.com/go?refer=1GNXIC
[email protected]
Quick, gut reaction - all I have time for - is that your unschooling
approach will easily allow more communication and open understanding and mutual
respect and value for each other as individuals and as a family unit. Your child
will hopefully not only be able to express himself more, and his fears and his
great feelings (and be heard by you and your DH), but also in turn, your
ability to feel his issues and respond accordingly will be a part of the package
in your adoption.
And congratulations to you and your family!
Love!
Karen
************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at
http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
approach will easily allow more communication and open understanding and mutual
respect and value for each other as individuals and as a family unit. Your child
will hopefully not only be able to express himself more, and his fears and his
great feelings (and be heard by you and your DH), but also in turn, your
ability to feel his issues and respond accordingly will be a part of the package
in your adoption.
And congratulations to you and your family!
Love!
Karen
************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at
http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Brian & Alexandra Polikowsky
Have you read Unconditional Parenting from Alfie Kohn?? It will make you understand why kids don't feel loved.
I personally know adoptive parents who "Ferberized " their adopted kids when they where months old.
I am sure things like that would make any kid fell abandonment.
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I personally know adoptive parents who "Ferberized " their adopted kids when they where months old.
I am sure things like that would make any kid fell abandonment.
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
I have 5 adopted children. The oldest three came to us after abuse and
neglect so their are issues there. The oldest is 14 and there is constant battle.
She tests us constantly, we just continue to love her. I told her one day
that no matter what she did I would still love her and there's no way she can
make me stop loving her. Our 12 yr. old is developmentally challenged, bipolar
and has reactional attachment disorder. It is a constant struggle with him.
We were the 13th home he was placed in. He may never completely trust anyone.
Our 10 yr. old we have had since she was 5 is just now starting to feel
really safe.
My youngest two were adopted as infants. They are very attached to us and
though the 8 year old knows he's adopted, he is so attached to us. He recently
met his birth parents and didn't really want to have much to do with them. The
youngest is 2.5 and she is a mommas girl. I have co-slept with both of them,
practiced complete AP parenting and I do not foresee any major problems.
Congratulations on your adoption. Enjoy!!
Mary Moses
************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at
http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
neglect so their are issues there. The oldest is 14 and there is constant battle.
She tests us constantly, we just continue to love her. I told her one day
that no matter what she did I would still love her and there's no way she can
make me stop loving her. Our 12 yr. old is developmentally challenged, bipolar
and has reactional attachment disorder. It is a constant struggle with him.
We were the 13th home he was placed in. He may never completely trust anyone.
Our 10 yr. old we have had since she was 5 is just now starting to feel
really safe.
My youngest two were adopted as infants. They are very attached to us and
though the 8 year old knows he's adopted, he is so attached to us. He recently
met his birth parents and didn't really want to have much to do with them. The
youngest is 2.5 and she is a mommas girl. I have co-slept with both of them,
practiced complete AP parenting and I do not foresee any major problems.
Congratulations on your adoption. Enjoy!!
Mary Moses
************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at
http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Manisha Kher
--- Elenita Santaballa <esantaballa@...> wrote:
bugged me because they took one worst-case family and
then quoted some statistics. That makes people fear
that their children are going to do drugs, whereas
most problems are probably milder.
There's statistics and then there are our individual
children. Don't let the fear of statistics take away
from looking at and connecting with your child.
That statistics does not look at unschooled children.
A lot of the problems are school-related problems.
I have 2 adopted children - Supriya is 8 and Aseem is
5. I don't know much about open adoptions, except that
I know I would not be able to handle as much contact
as the family in the story seemed to have.
One thing that we as adoptive parents have to be aware
of is that our kids are not like us. We have to modify
our expectations to fit the child. Okay, that applies
to all parents, not just adoptive parents, but it's
doubly true for adoptive parents. For example, I'm a
geek. I and dh always did well in school, went to
top-rated university and onto graduate school etc. I
can sit and read for hours. My kids are very active
and not particularly interested in books. They're both
very athletic - something I'm not.
My sisters and my college friends (who are similar to
me) expect their children to excel in school. I think
if my children were in school, it would've opened the
gates for unfavorable comparisons. The comparisons
don't even have to be explicit. I would've struggled
more with my own expectations with grades and homework
constantly hanging in the air. Unschooling lets my
kids shine in their own way.
Manisha
____________________________________________________________________________________
Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more.
http://mobile.yahoo.com/go?refer=1GNXIC
> The story discusses (among other things):Elena, I read the whole article and it bugged me. It
> That 41% of adopted children have seen a counselor
> for
> emotional or behavioral problems, compared with 18%
> of
> their non-adopted peers.
bugged me because they took one worst-case family and
then quoted some statistics. That makes people fear
that their children are going to do drugs, whereas
most problems are probably milder.
There's statistics and then there are our individual
children. Don't let the fear of statistics take away
from looking at and connecting with your child.
That statistics does not look at unschooled children.
A lot of the problems are school-related problems.
I have 2 adopted children - Supriya is 8 and Aseem is
5. I don't know much about open adoptions, except that
I know I would not be able to handle as much contact
as the family in the story seemed to have.
One thing that we as adoptive parents have to be aware
of is that our kids are not like us. We have to modify
our expectations to fit the child. Okay, that applies
to all parents, not just adoptive parents, but it's
doubly true for adoptive parents. For example, I'm a
geek. I and dh always did well in school, went to
top-rated university and onto graduate school etc. I
can sit and read for hours. My kids are very active
and not particularly interested in books. They're both
very athletic - something I'm not.
My sisters and my college friends (who are similar to
me) expect their children to excel in school. I think
if my children were in school, it would've opened the
gates for unfavorable comparisons. The comparisons
don't even have to be explicit. I would've struggled
more with my own expectations with grades and homework
constantly hanging in the air. Unschooling lets my
kids shine in their own way.
Manisha
____________________________________________________________________________________
Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more.
http://mobile.yahoo.com/go?refer=1GNXIC
Schafer Vanessa
Elena,
We adopted my little brother when he was 4 turning 5
from Korea. That was back in 1975.
He came from an orphanage, where he says he was beat,
and the rats bit him.
Since he became a part of our family, he hasn't seen
any councelors, or shown any bad behavior or anything.
I know this is probably a little different from your
situation, but I thought it might help to know of
other people's stories.
I am proud to say that he graduated high school and
college, and has been proudly serving in the Army, for
at least 17 years. He has raised a beautiful family,
and is currently waiting to be sent abroad again. He
has been in Afghanistan, during the war, and has come
home safe.
I think your little boy with be just fine. We are
white, and he is Korean. There is a difference in
skin color only. I think the biggest thing a child
needs is a lot of love and understanding. There are
children out there that have had it worse than my
little brother. He was abandoned at a train station.
So he has had to deal with the feeling of not being
wanted, but he is definately loved alot by all of us
in our family. I hope this helps in some way.
Good luck, and I hope all turns out well for you.
Sometimes just one horrible thing that has happened to
a child can scare everyone. I think it depends on the
situation, and how the child is raised.
--- Elenita Santaballa <esantaballa@...> wrote:
Be a better Heartthrob. Get better relationship answers from someone who knows. Yahoo! Answers - Check it out.
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545433
We adopted my little brother when he was 4 turning 5
from Korea. That was back in 1975.
He came from an orphanage, where he says he was beat,
and the rats bit him.
Since he became a part of our family, he hasn't seen
any councelors, or shown any bad behavior or anything.
I know this is probably a little different from your
situation, but I thought it might help to know of
other people's stories.
I am proud to say that he graduated high school and
college, and has been proudly serving in the Army, for
at least 17 years. He has raised a beautiful family,
and is currently waiting to be sent abroad again. He
has been in Afghanistan, during the war, and has come
home safe.
I think your little boy with be just fine. We are
white, and he is Korean. There is a difference in
skin color only. I think the biggest thing a child
needs is a lot of love and understanding. There are
children out there that have had it worse than my
little brother. He was abandoned at a train station.
So he has had to deal with the feeling of not being
wanted, but he is definately loved alot by all of us
in our family. I hope this helps in some way.
Good luck, and I hope all turns out well for you.
Sometimes just one horrible thing that has happened to
a child can scare everyone. I think it depends on the
situation, and how the child is raised.
--- Elenita Santaballa <esantaballa@...> wrote:
> Hi all. I am Elena, adoptive mama to 8 mo. old____________________________________________________________________________________
> Xavier. Since Xavi came home to us at 2 1/2 mo. of
> age, we have been operating as a RU family with the
> intention of continuing.
>
> I am writing because yesterday and today, the LA
> Times
> featured on its front page a two-part story about
> open
> adoption.
>
> The story discusses (among other things):
> That 41% of adopted children have seen a counselor
> for
> emotional or behavioral problems, compared with 18%
> of
> their non-adopted peers.
> The adopted child featured in the story who
> struggled
> for most of her childhood with anxiety about whether
> or not her adoptive parents would abandon her like
> her
> birth parents had.
> How the child regularly tested her adoptive parents
> with "very bad behavior" to test their commitment to
> her.
> How different the little girl felt in comparison to
> her adoptive parents.
> How the little girl grew up to have drug problems,
> etc.
>
> Talk about taking all my fears and anxieties and
> punching me in the stomach with them. Our son is
> likely to feel different from us as he is
> African-American while I am a light-skinned hispanic
> and his papa is a "gringo."
>
> Xavi's birthmom and I have a lovely relationship,
> but
> she is 15. I am unsure as to what to expect from
> her
> in the future.
>
> The story is long, but if any of you have read
> it--or
> if any of you are interested in reading it--and
> commenting on it from an unschooling perspective, I
> would appreciate it. I am also going to post this
> on
> the "Always Unschooled" list as I know that there
> are
> parents there with very young children. I apologize
> in advance to those of you who are on both lists.
>
> The URLs for the story are:
> Part 1: http://tinyurl.com/2dsqgh
> Part 2: http://tinyurl.com/2844pr
>
> Many thanks,
> Elena
>
> -------------------------------------
> Wife to Mark.
> Mama to 4 beloved boys:
> Xavier Rinchen b. 12-3-06, in my arms 2-27-07.
> Triplet sons Carlos Leo, Rafael George, Loran Jose
> (Rafi's identical twin) born/died 3/9/05 & greatly
> loved
> http://www.cubanayogini.com/
>
>
>
>
> Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet____________________________________________________________________________________
> in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more.
> http://mobile.yahoo.com/go?refer=1GNXIC
>
Be a better Heartthrob. Get better relationship answers from someone who knows. Yahoo! Answers - Check it out.
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545433