Marla B.

I'm still struggling with backing off my 4 yo. and 8 yo. arguments.
My sense from Naomi Aldort, who I highly respect, is to just stay
quiet unless it looks like it is going to get physical. On the other
hand, I want my house to be a safe place for everyone, where they
don't have to fear being criticized, etc. for something they do.
However, this can be a tall order for an 8 yo.

So how do I deal with her telling her 4 yo. dd that if she eats
another popsicle she'll get fat (when we are trying to not control the
food they eat, other than their choices come from what we have
available at the moment) or she calls her stupid and tells her to shut
up for singing too long?

I've tried to model respect for them since their birth, and although I
fail at times (although I've never namecalled -when I'm tired, etc. I
can resort back to how I was parented), I always apologize and point
out that I shouldn't have spoken as I did. My 8 yo. dd didn't have
this problem growing up, as she was respected, so why can't she
respect her 4 yo. dd (I know the word "respect" has it's own issues,
but I don't know what other word to use). Is it just too high an
expectation for an 8 yo.?

We've talked about her feelings about her sister (it's a definite
love/hate relationship. She is free to let it all out, how much she
hates her at times, how she wishes she didn't exist, etc.). We've
talked about what other options she has for dealing with her sister -
what words she could use, coming to get me before she says something
nasty, etc. I've tried to give her space from her sister, so she gets
a break if she needs it. I try to get her sister to come in another
part of the house with me or talk about why her older sister is upset.

On the other hand, my 8 yo. used to sing all day when she was little
(still does). She'd constantly sing a narration of whatever she was
doing. I feel bad that the 4 yo. is being taught by the 8 yo. that
she shouldn't be doing this. Or that she shouldn't eat certain
things. How do I ensure that the 4 yo. can still be who she needs to
be without the 8 yo. comments hurting that?

Sorry, I thought this would be a quick post, but as usual, I couldn't
help myself - lol.

I would love any help or advice or support.

Thanks!

Marla Mom to Amy (8 yo.) and Lily (4 yo.)

Ren Allen

~~I'm still struggling with backing off my 4 yo. and 8 yo. arguments.
My sense from Naomi Aldort, who I highly respect, is to just stay
quiet unless it looks like it is going to get physical~~

I'd have to disagree with her if that's her stance.

The caveat though, is I DO try to stay out of disagreements. A
disagreement is a whole different animal than put-downs or meanness. A
disagreement can disintegrate into that, but sometimes they just need
to yell at each other (Im thinking of my 10 and 6y.o. since none of
the other children fight) and come to an understanding.

There are times I get in between them and arbitrate "Ciara feels angry
that you grabbed the pole from her"
or "Jalen really wanted his pole back"
Not laying down judgment, just being a calm center for them to have a
discussion through. By my staying calm and really just talking for
them (exactly what they are saying, but I am "passing the message" so
to speak) it helps diffuse things right there.

I don't think it's a great idea to stay out of it when someone is
being hurt. It's up to the person with greater tools to assist those
that need it. I hate to assume they don't have tools, but usually
that's why things get ugly in the first place.

I've also let my kids know that it hurts ME to hear them say mean
things to a sibling. "I love every one of you so much and I wouldn't
let a stranger talk to you that way. It makes me sad when I hear
someone in my house being hurt with words"

I also ask them to come to me if they feel the need to vent. Yelling
about what a "jerk" someone is or telling me how frustrated they are
about an issue is a safe way to get the feelings out without hurting
the other party.

I try to simply listen when they are venting. "You're really upset
with him aren't you?" or whatever is appropriate for the situation
and child. There are times that after the venting, they are ready to
move on. No soluation needs to be developed. They're done. They just
needed a safe space for their feelings.

I also ask them to come to me if a sibling is driving them crazy,
BEFORE they feel like doing something harmful. Jalen can be especially
intense and if they are getting overwhelmed, I then have an
opportunity to get him more involved with me in a fun game or project
so they get a "break".

We really don't have many of these issues anymore. But it does take a
lot of involvement at the younger years. We had the standing protocol
of "Use words first, then get an arbitrator to help you problem solve
(an older sibling or parent) and if that doesn't work then hitting
might be the answer". lol
The arbitrator always works though. Funny thing!:)

There's a fine line you walk, between being proactive to keep things
from breaking down too much and honoring their need to work things out
in their own way. Once there is name-calling or meanness that could
hurt someone, thats beyond the "let them work it out" stage. They need
a calm center that can use more gentle tools in the situation.

Over time, they learn how to utilize these tools and it gets easier
and easier.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>> I also ask them to come to me if a sibling is driving them crazy,
> BEFORE they feel like doing something harmful.

Or say something harmful. This has been a really big help with Ray,
knowing he can come and complain, or just call for backup when Mo is
getting on his nerves.

It has also been really helpful, when he does say something
particularly nasty, to validate his frustration, etc First. Then we
talk about strategies for getting my or George's attention, if we're
in another room. That part may not be applicable to Marla's girls, but
since Ray's been in school, he's not used to the idea that adults
*will* help if called (rather than tell him to suck it up and quit
tattling, yikes).

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 13)