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In a message dated 7/31/2007 6:43:31 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
trektheory@... writes:

I only pop in here periodically, so didn't see the original post. But
one thought came to me -- could your oldest be using drugs? Her
behavior has some definite hallmarks of drug users (I have a brother
who used, so they are familiar) or of mental illness. (And the line
can be blurry sometimes, btw.)
_______________________________________________

Yes, I too thought of that, but she passed the 2 drug tests she had to take
for 2 jobs she landed. Its def. about her boyfriend. She did anything and
everything to come to his call, or to be available, no matter what. When she ran
out of money, she used my mom's credit card, took the money from Julian's
piggy bank, her sister's purse, my wedding gifts of cash...you get the idea.
Drugs, in some ways, would have been a clearer answer. But it's not that. I
really think that her lack of self esteem has gotten her to do things she was/is
not ready for yet, emotionally, and is now holding on for dear life to the
boyfriend (who sent me a few nasty text messages telling me I couldn't text her
because he "owned her phone" which made me want to scream, but I didn't. I
ignored him and spoke to L about it directly). I'm sure about her passing the
drug tests, as they were sudden and she isn't savvy about that kind of thing,
and I am more so...



I'm still not sure what to advise you to do, though -- but perhaps
identifying the problem would be helpful.

Another thought is she might still be working through your divorce (or
not being together with their father -- I don't know the details, and
it doesn't matter; what matters is what is going on in her mind.) No
first hand experience with that.
Oh, yes. I think so too. She is very emotionally closed, hasn't said she
loves me in YEARS - easily since age 6. The divorce was VERY hard on her. She
claims too that she has "hated" her sister Grace since she was born, if not
beforehand.

One things stands out - one day, their dad was supposed to come get them.
They packed, they waited by the window to watch for his car. He was late, never
called...she and James stood there for HOURS waiting for him. He called
later, saying he was still in Laughlin, he overslept...and he wouldn't be coming.
I do think her anger at her Dad is given to me. I'm WAY safer to be angry at
than her Dad is...I think she trusts me to hate me, if that makes sense...but
she feels she has to hold on to dear life with her father, but he might
disappear in one form or another...



You are right not to continue enabling her -- she will definitely be
resentful right now, and not see why you did what you did. Hopefully,
down the road, she will look back at it differently. The stealing,
btw, combined with being unable to hold a job (though that could have
multiple causes) is what made me think addiction.

I wish I could be more helpful, but send all my best for you in
dealing with this.

(And for your other teens -- well, I have a very cool teen who is
partially homeschooled, partially charter schooled. He loves not
being a traditional student!)
Aren't they great? lol! I just am so prod of them, for so many reasons..am
of Laura too, but the situation is obviously different right now. I'm glad to
hear of your son's happiness with himself. That's a goal we all should have -
too bad it's so hard for some of us.

Thank you so much for your post. It was one of the hardest things in my life
to do, kick her out. I question it all the time. But I just didn't know what
to do anymore...



Linda

Thanks again,
Karen








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