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In a message dated 7/31/2007 10:26:47 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
lesajm@... writes:

Karen's now asking advice on how to deal with a
tradtionally-parented-teen-gone-wild. That's *very* hard for us to give
advice or suggestions for because we advocate starting as early as
possible to develop the trust that is obviously lacking in her case.
It's not that she *can't* regain/build trust---it's just that that is
EXACTLY what we are trying to avoid with our foundation-laying right
now!

I would even venture to say that it's a lot like deschooling: Karen's
daughter will need one month for every year she has been "traditionally
parented" in order to "de-parent" completely. It's sooo much easier to
start out that way OR start while the child is still youngish.



_______________________________________________________________

yes, and what i did, was NOT follow my heart with her - i was an 18 year old
mama that had some great experiences in Montessori but not with parents that
knew how to fight for me. Oh, they loved the hoopla out of me and still do,
and think I'm making interesting and good choices for the kids, but they were
fear-based. And so when Laura came, I was bullied into public schools and all
the bs that went with it.

I hope I can deschool her to some extent...I left out LOTS of the story,
like her early years, my depression and ED and some of my wild, immature times
that she was around for. *I* think she mainly is angry (in general) at both
myself and her father (I in fact think it's more directed at Todd, her dad, but
I'm the mom and I get more of the poo as a result - again, traditional and
conventional stuff causing this teen anger and self destruction. I also think
she is depressed, as it runs on both sides of the family and it fits in many
ways, but that is neither here nor there - I'm waiting to read the replies to
e and doing all the "snarky" posts first, lol!) and all those years of
convention are indeed biting back!

Anyway, my point is YES! I agree! Starting from the beginning (though I have
always been unconventional, nursed her for nearly 4 years, co slept a good
bit, "allowed her" dessert first and tried to be as restrictless as possible -
boy the troubles I got from her paternal side! oh, boy! But if ONLY I knew
more when her school refusal began...I wish so badly I knew more then, but I
can't go back, only forwards...anyway......that's where I am and have been with
the 2 youngest and I see improvements with the other 2 oldest. I think
people are scared to trust their kids, no doubt about it.

Obviously I took my personal stuff from this, lol, but I really should have
said, "Yes, I agree!" lol!

Karen :)



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lisa

Karen,
You know depression was my first thought when you related how your
daughter can't seem to finish things, can't keep a job, won't do
things around the house etc. I have known other parents that have
felt they had to take similar actions that you have taken. I think
that you have to weigh her needs against the rest of the
family..there's a whole family there that each need their needs
honored as well. When you have one person bent on destruction and
the whole atmosphere of trust and peace is disrupted by that person
you just have to find a solution that honors as many of those
individuals as possible. Your daughter was not operating in a
respectful, peaceful way so including her in your household was not
working for any of you. Hopefully by you taking this stand that she
must respect the needs of others to have her own needs met it will
give her the kick in the pants she needs (not a literal kick in the
pants but a wake up call... a figurative kick in the pants) I have
knew teens in the same position when I was a teen and in their later
years they realized that their parent did what they felt they needed
to to protect the rest of the family...perhaps they were bringing
drugs or dangerous people into the home around younger children,
perhaps they were stealing from family members. Your daughter sounds
like she is really struggling with alot of issues... I know you said
that finances were a big factor ... perhaps you can find a gentle
counselor that can help you two work out the relationship and sort out
some parameters in which the two of you could live. If this was
your only child you know and we all know that you would have dealt
with it differently but there are others to be considered. I wish I
knew some alternative choice you could have made that would not sit so
heavily on your heart... I am not sure there is one. You sound so
broken about it... perhaps you could write to your daughter and let
her know how difficult this decision was for you and how broken
hearted you are that this was the decision you felt was your only
solution. Sometimes kids in that situation feel that they were just
thrown out without any thought and that the parent doesn't really care
and that's why it was so "easy" for you to just throw them out...
knowing that it was so hard might help open some communication.
Your only solution in the meantime is to love her through it!
I wish I had some great solve all your problems advice but I don't!
Please know we are all thinking about you and your daughter and hoping
she will understand that the things parents do come from a place of
love for ALL of their children.
Lisa Blocker
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