Re: [unschoolingbasics] win win solutions-Danielle
Danielle Conger
Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:
you engage in the process, regardless of the outcome, you are helping
them learn problem solving skills. Each time you engage in the process,
you're helping them to hear and consider others' needs and you're
sending the message that their needs are important enough to be heard
and considered and met as well. Each time you engage in the process with
a successful win/ win outcome, your kids learn to trust in the process
and that their needs will be met.
As with most things, I'd say that it's process and not product that
matters--something I was trying to convey in my first post. It's hard,
though, when you're first starting out and setting a goal, not to be
product oriented. And certainly, I remember well being at that stage
with very young children and not seeing how it could be possible in
practice to find common preference with young people who seemed to have
such an entirely different rationalizing perspective than I had. Not
that they weren't rational beings--they were! Their reason was just
often quite different from my own.
I went and dug this out for you over at the TCS (Taking Children
Seriously) website. It's a post of mine from back in 2004 when my kids
were younger than they are now, and I was without the benefit of
hindsight and experience that I now enjoy:
***Multiple children
<http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/practical_tcs_0#comment-408>
I've been reading as much about TCS as I can and trying diligently to
implement it in my own family.
But...
So many of the scenarios and solutions presented within TCS seem to
depend on only * one child *. Negotiating common preferences and having
everyone follow through with the common preference seems to become
exponentially more difficult with each additional child. TCS parenting
of * multiple very young children * often seems like an ideal rather
than a practical reality.
I would like to hear about how other TCS parents would negotiate common
preferences with multiple children, particularly those under the age of
six.
Suppose, for instance, that a family with several young children manage
to find a common preference only to have one member change his mind
midway through the solution. Does this, then, throw us all back into the
negotiation stage?
How does it not undermine the whole process when there is no guarantee
of follow-through?
At what point can the parent gently remind the child that he had agreed
to spending a certain amount of time doing something for another child
in order to ensure that those other children would do something for him
immediately after, especially when participation in an organized group
event makes the order/ timing non-negotiable?
And what if that gentle reminder does not make a difference? Does
everyone pack up and go home without having fulfilled anyone's
preference, which seems so punitive to all members?
Sometimes, TCS parenting seems so unattainable when one cannot double or
triple oneself (or hire someone to serve that function) and fulfill
everyone's needs at the same time.**********
someone else's problems than one's own. *g*
My first suggestion in moving towards win/ win problem solving would be
to take a back seat in the fixing department. As parents, we so often
want to jump in and *fix* our kids problems--it seems like our job and
it feels better when everyone's happy. But, with problem-solving, there
are a lot of important steps in between the problem and the fix, and
it's important not to leave kids out of those steps. Interestingly, I've
found *facilitating* problem-solving to be far more empowering for the
kids than swooping in and fixing things from the standpoint of parental
authority and power.
So, what I'm reading in your example--and all I have to go on is what
you've written--is that you've come up with solutions in the moment and
are having trouble implementing those solutions in a way that everyone's
happy. This is where I'd suggest that instead of coming up with
solutions, you try observing what you see, really neutrally, and asking
if they have any ideas: "Ooh, you're having so much fun Damien, but I
see *Jenny (don't know you're dd's name) is afraid she might be hit. Can
we find a way for Damien to play golf and for Jenny to feel safe at the
same time?"
That's what I mean when I talk about the process--setting up the problem
and asking for a solution that meets everyone's needs. My job as a
parent--as a mediator and facilitator--is often to try to articulate
each person's point of view in a way that everyone can understand,
adding "translating" to my job list. That draws on my own skills of
mindful and compassionate observation, and I've had to cultivate over
the years my ability to see and understand multiple perspectives at the
same time without overlaying my own judgment and personal baggage--a
tremendous personal growing experience that certainly doesn't happen
overnight. It takes work!
My journey and my sources have been long and varied, and I've cobbled
together tools from many different sources. The observation thing came
from Faber and Mazlish. Lots of the problem solving stuff came from my
reading in TCS. Some of the mediating techniques I've drawn from my
reading in Buddhism, and others I've taken from NVC (Non-Violent
Communication). As much as any of those, if not more so, reading and
posting on the unschooling lists and hanging "virtually" with other
mindful, unschooling parents helps me remain open, respectful,
compassionate, and mindful.
~~Danielle
Emily (9), Julia (8), Sam (7)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Connections: ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting
http://connections.organiclearning.org
>Well, what I would say is that you're laying the ground work. Every time
>
>
> Thank you for your thoughts and example Danielle. I'm wondering your
> thoughts on how to create a win/win for a younger age group. If I
> had the ability to talk things through with each child it would make
> it a lot easier. My daughter is 4 and I can talk things through with
> her. My son however is 15 months.
>
you engage in the process, regardless of the outcome, you are helping
them learn problem solving skills. Each time you engage in the process,
you're helping them to hear and consider others' needs and you're
sending the message that their needs are important enough to be heard
and considered and met as well. Each time you engage in the process with
a successful win/ win outcome, your kids learn to trust in the process
and that their needs will be met.
As with most things, I'd say that it's process and not product that
matters--something I was trying to convey in my first post. It's hard,
though, when you're first starting out and setting a goal, not to be
product oriented. And certainly, I remember well being at that stage
with very young children and not seeing how it could be possible in
practice to find common preference with young people who seemed to have
such an entirely different rationalizing perspective than I had. Not
that they weren't rational beings--they were! Their reason was just
often quite different from my own.
I went and dug this out for you over at the TCS (Taking Children
Seriously) website. It's a post of mine from back in 2004 when my kids
were younger than they are now, and I was without the benefit of
hindsight and experience that I now enjoy:
***Multiple children
<http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/practical_tcs_0#comment-408>
I've been reading as much about TCS as I can and trying diligently to
implement it in my own family.
But...
So many of the scenarios and solutions presented within TCS seem to
depend on only * one child *. Negotiating common preferences and having
everyone follow through with the common preference seems to become
exponentially more difficult with each additional child. TCS parenting
of * multiple very young children * often seems like an ideal rather
than a practical reality.
I would like to hear about how other TCS parents would negotiate common
preferences with multiple children, particularly those under the age of
six.
Suppose, for instance, that a family with several young children manage
to find a common preference only to have one member change his mind
midway through the solution. Does this, then, throw us all back into the
negotiation stage?
How does it not undermine the whole process when there is no guarantee
of follow-through?
At what point can the parent gently remind the child that he had agreed
to spending a certain amount of time doing something for another child
in order to ensure that those other children would do something for him
immediately after, especially when participation in an organized group
event makes the order/ timing non-negotiable?
And what if that gentle reminder does not make a difference? Does
everyone pack up and go home without having fulfilled anyone's
preference, which seems so punitive to all members?
Sometimes, TCS parenting seems so unattainable when one cannot double or
triple oneself (or hire someone to serve that function) and fulfill
everyone's needs at the same time.**********
>I have several thoughts, but of course it's always easier to solve
>
> We have a toy golf set (plastic) complete with clubs and balls and a
> little caddy. My son loves the golf set. He likes to pretend to play
> golf by swinging the club to hit the ball.
>
someone else's problems than one's own. *g*
My first suggestion in moving towards win/ win problem solving would be
to take a back seat in the fixing department. As parents, we so often
want to jump in and *fix* our kids problems--it seems like our job and
it feels better when everyone's happy. But, with problem-solving, there
are a lot of important steps in between the problem and the fix, and
it's important not to leave kids out of those steps. Interestingly, I've
found *facilitating* problem-solving to be far more empowering for the
kids than swooping in and fixing things from the standpoint of parental
authority and power.
So, what I'm reading in your example--and all I have to go on is what
you've written--is that you've come up with solutions in the moment and
are having trouble implementing those solutions in a way that everyone's
happy. This is where I'd suggest that instead of coming up with
solutions, you try observing what you see, really neutrally, and asking
if they have any ideas: "Ooh, you're having so much fun Damien, but I
see *Jenny (don't know you're dd's name) is afraid she might be hit. Can
we find a way for Damien to play golf and for Jenny to feel safe at the
same time?"
That's what I mean when I talk about the process--setting up the problem
and asking for a solution that meets everyone's needs. My job as a
parent--as a mediator and facilitator--is often to try to articulate
each person's point of view in a way that everyone can understand,
adding "translating" to my job list. That draws on my own skills of
mindful and compassionate observation, and I've had to cultivate over
the years my ability to see and understand multiple perspectives at the
same time without overlaying my own judgment and personal baggage--a
tremendous personal growing experience that certainly doesn't happen
overnight. It takes work!
My journey and my sources have been long and varied, and I've cobbled
together tools from many different sources. The observation thing came
from Faber and Mazlish. Lots of the problem solving stuff came from my
reading in TCS. Some of the mediating techniques I've drawn from my
reading in Buddhism, and others I've taken from NVC (Non-Violent
Communication). As much as any of those, if not more so, reading and
posting on the unschooling lists and hanging "virtually" with other
mindful, unschooling parents helps me remain open, respectful,
compassionate, and mindful.
>--
>
~~Danielle
Emily (9), Julia (8), Sam (7)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Connections: ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting
http://connections.organiclearning.org