Re-phrasing WAS Transitioning
Robert Saxon
Meredith,
Tooting my own horn, I suppose.
tough "parenting situations" we each have encountered. The one I remember
most was a buddy of mine giving me the classic "time out" scenario for being
bad (his ds is 2, gimme a break), or a "No way am I gonna lose this battle
of wills." Usually I just nod my head and smile nervously. This time I
told him point-blank that DW and I have embarked on what is probably a very
different view of discipline and interacting with our children. To his
credit, he actually appeared to listen.
I didn't give him the whole spiel. Heck, I'm not sure what the whole spiel
is. I did tell him two things, though. In Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional
Parenting," in response to the classic "What's WRONG with you? Are you deaf
or something?!" Kohn would just love for the child to respond, "NO, I'm
THREE!" That was good for a chuckle, and hopefully it stuck. Humor can do
that. ;-)
The second thing I told him was in response to the parent who does nothing
when his/her kid is "behaving badly," say at a party or at dinner, or
something else. The "permissive, I'm-your-buddy parent." IThe situation
needs to be addressed. Just differently than what most parents do. When
that happens, especially with dd2, she has some need that has to be met.
Sleep, food, a re-connect with us, something. Of course, we need to ensure
that dd2 stops pummeling Timmy. However, the "solution" is not a time-out
in the popular sense, or spanking, or a good yelling at. Our parenting
culture is so behavior-based that it treats the kids like pets. If they're
acting up, there's something going on inside their heads. That needs to be
addressed. And yes, sometimes it's mind-reading, but you get better at it.
And you start treating your kid as a person, not a pet.
Oh, one other thing. When you're "enforcing justice," i.e. "I'm taking that
toy away from you because you took it from Timmy," or whatever it may be --
(some may disagree with me here, but ) not only is it being hypocritical to
take a toy away and say "don't take things," but the other "lesson" she may
learn is that "Daddy can be a real butthead." I'm not the Enforcer of
Justice or the Arbiter of Fairness. If my actions put her on the short end
of the stick, then I'm the Bad Man.
Don't know how he took it all. Maybe he won't invite us over to his place
after all. We'll see. But it's the first time I've felt comfortable
re-framing a common situation with a different perspective. Both parents
are really good people. They just emphasize the "carrot" side of the
behavior-focused coin.
Enough self-aggrandizement. Anyone else done any "proselytizing" out there?
--Rob
DH to Seana for 10 years
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (5) and Elissa (4)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tooting my own horn, I suppose.
> > We've found that when they "act up," they are in need of re-connecting with
> > us. Sometimes being playful is required, sometimes reflecting,sometimes
> > just being near, depending upon the situation.I've recently found myself talking with a couple other parents about some
>TA DA!
>That's a really lovely reframing of the idea that "kids act up to
>get attention". Very positive spin on that old saw - I like that. I
>find it really useful, talking with my conventional parenting
>friends, to be able to re-state those sorts of truisms from a
>different perspective.
tough "parenting situations" we each have encountered. The one I remember
most was a buddy of mine giving me the classic "time out" scenario for being
bad (his ds is 2, gimme a break), or a "No way am I gonna lose this battle
of wills." Usually I just nod my head and smile nervously. This time I
told him point-blank that DW and I have embarked on what is probably a very
different view of discipline and interacting with our children. To his
credit, he actually appeared to listen.
I didn't give him the whole spiel. Heck, I'm not sure what the whole spiel
is. I did tell him two things, though. In Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional
Parenting," in response to the classic "What's WRONG with you? Are you deaf
or something?!" Kohn would just love for the child to respond, "NO, I'm
THREE!" That was good for a chuckle, and hopefully it stuck. Humor can do
that. ;-)
The second thing I told him was in response to the parent who does nothing
when his/her kid is "behaving badly," say at a party or at dinner, or
something else. The "permissive, I'm-your-buddy parent." IThe situation
needs to be addressed. Just differently than what most parents do. When
that happens, especially with dd2, she has some need that has to be met.
Sleep, food, a re-connect with us, something. Of course, we need to ensure
that dd2 stops pummeling Timmy. However, the "solution" is not a time-out
in the popular sense, or spanking, or a good yelling at. Our parenting
culture is so behavior-based that it treats the kids like pets. If they're
acting up, there's something going on inside their heads. That needs to be
addressed. And yes, sometimes it's mind-reading, but you get better at it.
And you start treating your kid as a person, not a pet.
Oh, one other thing. When you're "enforcing justice," i.e. "I'm taking that
toy away from you because you took it from Timmy," or whatever it may be --
(some may disagree with me here, but ) not only is it being hypocritical to
take a toy away and say "don't take things," but the other "lesson" she may
learn is that "Daddy can be a real butthead." I'm not the Enforcer of
Justice or the Arbiter of Fairness. If my actions put her on the short end
of the stick, then I'm the Bad Man.
Don't know how he took it all. Maybe he won't invite us over to his place
after all. We'll see. But it's the first time I've felt comfortable
re-framing a common situation with a different perspective. Both parents
are really good people. They just emphasize the "carrot" side of the
behavior-focused coin.
Enough self-aggrandizement. Anyone else done any "proselytizing" out there?
--Rob
DH to Seana for 10 years
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (5) and Elissa (4)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
~~Anyone else done any "proselytizing" out there?~~
Oh sure.:)
It's a fine-line to walk because I probably would have about 1/2 the
friends we have if I said what I really want to say. But I figure the
best thing is to just keep treating my family the way I do and let
them extract their own information from the situation.
I only mention it if they bring it up usually. Or if a situation is
obvious enough that I can gently intervene with a "that's perfectly
alright, he's just being curious" or some other phrase that let's the
parent know I think everything is ok.
We tend to hang out with folks that are non-punitive with their
children....we've been fortunate to find friends who care about being
gentle and respectful, even if we don't agree on other topics.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Oh sure.:)
It's a fine-line to walk because I probably would have about 1/2 the
friends we have if I said what I really want to say. But I figure the
best thing is to just keep treating my family the way I do and let
them extract their own information from the situation.
I only mention it if they bring it up usually. Or if a situation is
obvious enough that I can gently intervene with a "that's perfectly
alright, he's just being curious" or some other phrase that let's the
parent know I think everything is ok.
We tend to hang out with folks that are non-punitive with their
children....we've been fortunate to find friends who care about being
gentle and respectful, even if we don't agree on other topics.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
wisdomalways5
Our parenting
practicing any kind of unschooling/unconditional parenting sort of
thing and on the one hand it is getting hard to be around my family
when they treat their kids so harshly. The kids are making
reasonable requests or just acting like kids and they get punished
or shamed. I have started to speak up- telling about how wrong it is
to let children "cry it out" how it effects them as adults or how
wrong "time out " is. But recently I have been connecting to the
children- talking to them, asking questions, listening to them. It
is amazing to see a kids eyes light up when you activitly engage
them. Maybe I can show them a different way. Then again I do not
punish my kids for wanting or expressing needs and always ask what
they want on their plate and what they need. Most of all I ask them
not tell them. My family already thinks I am the weird one anyway
(leaving the family religion and so forth) so I figure why not let
them in on parenting as well.
The great thing is that my mom has noticed that parents are harsh
and that she can see the fear in the kids eyes. Sad. so sad. One
family at a time and we can maybe someday change the culture of
parenting.
> culture is so behavior-based that it treats the kids like pets.If they're
> acting up, there's something going on inside their heads. Thatneeds to be
> addressed. And yes, sometimes it's mind-reading, but you getbetter at it.
> And you start treating your kid as a person, not a pet.. Anyone else done any "proselytizing" out there?
>
>I must say that I am the only one in my family of 8 kids who is
> --Rob
> DH to Seana for 10 years
> "Daddy!" to Genevieve (5) and Elissa (4)
>
practicing any kind of unschooling/unconditional parenting sort of
thing and on the one hand it is getting hard to be around my family
when they treat their kids so harshly. The kids are making
reasonable requests or just acting like kids and they get punished
or shamed. I have started to speak up- telling about how wrong it is
to let children "cry it out" how it effects them as adults or how
wrong "time out " is. But recently I have been connecting to the
children- talking to them, asking questions, listening to them. It
is amazing to see a kids eyes light up when you activitly engage
them. Maybe I can show them a different way. Then again I do not
punish my kids for wanting or expressing needs and always ask what
they want on their plate and what they need. Most of all I ask them
not tell them. My family already thinks I am the weird one anyway
(leaving the family religion and so forth) so I figure why not let
them in on parenting as well.
The great thing is that my mom has noticed that parents are harsh
and that she can see the fear in the kids eyes. Sad. so sad. One
family at a time and we can maybe someday change the culture of
parenting.
oum rayan
I've had those conversations, too. But I find myself taking action, by pulling away from friends and family who practice punitive measures with children, lately. They don't 'get' my way, and I feel accausted by theirs. I have this strong visceral reaction when I see what appears to be injustice. And silence doesn't suit me, so I withdraw instead.
I've worried lately that I'm being intolerant, by pulling away. That I'm acting as if I judge them. I think I withdraw out of self-preservation, more than anything. (Childhood didn't agree with me...even my Mom agrees I have PTSD from it!)
Anyway, blah,blah,blah...me,me,blah...blah, blah,blah,blah,me,me,blah!
Lisa O
Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
~~Anyone else done any "proselytizing" out there?~~
Oh sure.:)
It's a fine-line to walk because I probably would have about 1/2 the
friends we have if I said what I really want to say. But I figure the
best thing is to just keep treating my family the way I do and let
them extract their own information from the situation.
I only mention it if they bring it up usually. Or if a situation is
obvious enough that I can gently intervene with a "that's perfectly
alright, he's just being curious" or some other phrase that let's the
parent know I think everything is ok.
We tend to hang out with folks that are non-punitive with their
children....we've been fortunate to find friends who care about being
gentle and respectful, even if we don't agree on other topics.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
---------------------------------
Luggage? GPS? Comic books?
Check out fitting gifts for grads at Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've worried lately that I'm being intolerant, by pulling away. That I'm acting as if I judge them. I think I withdraw out of self-preservation, more than anything. (Childhood didn't agree with me...even my Mom agrees I have PTSD from it!)
Anyway, blah,blah,blah...me,me,blah...blah, blah,blah,blah,me,me,blah!
Lisa O
Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
~~Anyone else done any "proselytizing" out there?~~
Oh sure.:)
It's a fine-line to walk because I probably would have about 1/2 the
friends we have if I said what I really want to say. But I figure the
best thing is to just keep treating my family the way I do and let
them extract their own information from the situation.
I only mention it if they bring it up usually. Or if a situation is
obvious enough that I can gently intervene with a "that's perfectly
alright, he's just being curious" or some other phrase that let's the
parent know I think everything is ok.
We tend to hang out with folks that are non-punitive with their
children....we've been fortunate to find friends who care about being
gentle and respectful, even if we don't agree on other topics.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
---------------------------------
Luggage? GPS? Comic books?
Check out fitting gifts for grads at Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]