advice with 7 y/o son
Chris
Hi all--
I would like some suggestions for dealing with my 7 y/o son. He is a
sensitive child and often gets extremely upset about things that
many others would not. I can often predict what these things will be-
-and sometimes I'm caught totally off-guard. An example that is
happening right now is this: my younger son (4) lost his swimming
goggles and so today I bought him a new pair similar to the others
but not exactly the same--the former looked like tropical fish
around the outside of the eye and the new ones look like sharks. I
came home and gave them to my younger son and it immediately set off
my older one.
He sees it as unfair that his brother got new goggles and sees it as
his brother getting something new and his being left out vs. it
being fair b/c they both have goggles. Now, I understand that it is
hard to see your brother get something new even if its a
replacement.
Anyway, what happens is that I validate, listen,--hard not to get
something new at the same time, feels unfair to you, you really wish
you could get a new pair too, etc. But it seems to go on forever.
There's crying and stomping out of the room, re-engagement and more
crying, he won't come up with solutions and rejects what I offer.
And it seems to go on and on. Sometimes I feel like my presence just
keeps him going and if I could politely disappear for a bit, it
would die down. It sometimes seems that just my presence adds fuel
to the fire because it takes two to tango.
So, any suggestions regarding what I could do, what I'm not doing?
Maybe I'm wishing too hard for the sitution to resolve and not
giving it time? And thoughts to the two of us having some space in a
way that doesn't make him feel rejected? Anyone else who feels like
their remaining engaged just ramps things up?
Thanks,
Chris
I would like some suggestions for dealing with my 7 y/o son. He is a
sensitive child and often gets extremely upset about things that
many others would not. I can often predict what these things will be-
-and sometimes I'm caught totally off-guard. An example that is
happening right now is this: my younger son (4) lost his swimming
goggles and so today I bought him a new pair similar to the others
but not exactly the same--the former looked like tropical fish
around the outside of the eye and the new ones look like sharks. I
came home and gave them to my younger son and it immediately set off
my older one.
He sees it as unfair that his brother got new goggles and sees it as
his brother getting something new and his being left out vs. it
being fair b/c they both have goggles. Now, I understand that it is
hard to see your brother get something new even if its a
replacement.
Anyway, what happens is that I validate, listen,--hard not to get
something new at the same time, feels unfair to you, you really wish
you could get a new pair too, etc. But it seems to go on forever.
There's crying and stomping out of the room, re-engagement and more
crying, he won't come up with solutions and rejects what I offer.
And it seems to go on and on. Sometimes I feel like my presence just
keeps him going and if I could politely disappear for a bit, it
would die down. It sometimes seems that just my presence adds fuel
to the fire because it takes two to tango.
So, any suggestions regarding what I could do, what I'm not doing?
Maybe I'm wishing too hard for the sitution to resolve and not
giving it time? And thoughts to the two of us having some space in a
way that doesn't make him feel rejected? Anyone else who feels like
their remaining engaged just ramps things up?
Thanks,
Chris
Deb
Sometimes there needs to be space for the feelings to come out
without any other words from anyone else. Sometimes, I'll just sit
and LISTEN, not say a word, not validate, not offer thoughts, ideas,
suggestions, just sit quietly, open body language (no crossing arms
or legs or whatever, just relaxed, comfortable, breathing). Until
the feelings can come out, DS can't hear anything else. Once it's
all out, THEN I can validate, suggest, ask questions, etc. Talking
too soon just fuels another go-round. It's a fine balance but one
that we're getting better at over time.
Also, sometimes the immediate focus is NOT the issue. It's just the
last drop in the bucket that causes it to overflow. For example, it
might not be the goggles themselves but something else going on that
day (too much busyness, an ongoing issue with sibling getting lots
of mom's time, hunger, etc). The goggles just hit at the wrong time
and the bucket overflows. Then, in all good intention, you start
talking - validating, suggesting, helping. BUT it's too much -
you're pouring more water into an overflowing bucket. Gotta let the
flow of water die down first then start talking.
Most of the time, DS will go stomp up the stairs (wood floors so the
stairs make a great lot of noise) and slam his door (sometimes
repeatedly). Eventually, he comes down and can talk again (or he'll
ask me to come up to talk). If he heads in the direction of
physically hurting someone (me usually), I'll head him off and
suggest he go stomp because intentionally hurting someone is right
out. He can go stomp, he can yell, he can hit pillows, he cannot do
injury. How and where he chooses to vent is up to him. If he wants,
I'll go with him or stay with him and just wait it out, quietly.
hth
--Deb
without any other words from anyone else. Sometimes, I'll just sit
and LISTEN, not say a word, not validate, not offer thoughts, ideas,
suggestions, just sit quietly, open body language (no crossing arms
or legs or whatever, just relaxed, comfortable, breathing). Until
the feelings can come out, DS can't hear anything else. Once it's
all out, THEN I can validate, suggest, ask questions, etc. Talking
too soon just fuels another go-round. It's a fine balance but one
that we're getting better at over time.
Also, sometimes the immediate focus is NOT the issue. It's just the
last drop in the bucket that causes it to overflow. For example, it
might not be the goggles themselves but something else going on that
day (too much busyness, an ongoing issue with sibling getting lots
of mom's time, hunger, etc). The goggles just hit at the wrong time
and the bucket overflows. Then, in all good intention, you start
talking - validating, suggesting, helping. BUT it's too much -
you're pouring more water into an overflowing bucket. Gotta let the
flow of water die down first then start talking.
Most of the time, DS will go stomp up the stairs (wood floors so the
stairs make a great lot of noise) and slam his door (sometimes
repeatedly). Eventually, he comes down and can talk again (or he'll
ask me to come up to talk). If he heads in the direction of
physically hurting someone (me usually), I'll head him off and
suggest he go stomp because intentionally hurting someone is right
out. He can go stomp, he can yell, he can hit pillows, he cannot do
injury. How and where he chooses to vent is up to him. If he wants,
I'll go with him or stay with him and just wait it out, quietly.
hth
--Deb
Cameron Parham
Anyone else who feels like their remaining engaged just ramps things up?
My family (parents) and my sitter both feel that my emotional engagement fuels the flames of my 3 kids' emotional traumas. I think, though, that if we must err, we are better to over-validate than dismiss. And you are doing a great job, I can tell! But I do believe that our intuition is very valuable, and if you wonder whether you're somehow 'ramping him up' or if you need space I'd listen to your heart. If many of his episodes are predictable, can you prepare him ahead? (I realize that you may have tried this already.)
For example: "Your brother really needs his goggles to enjoy the water. I am thinking we might need to replace them. What do you think?" If he says "No, that's not fair, I'd want something new." You could say, "Well, if you lost yours I'll bet that you'd really hope that we could replace them. How do you think we could solve this problem?" He may generate solutions, or use it as a chance to process feelings ahead, or to put himself in his brothers' place (empathic skills, problem solving skills, etc)--all of which may be easier when the 'unfair' new goggles haven't been bought yet. You could make a plan with his input--even best, use his plan--then help him remember the plan as the challenge occurs. You could also have a dialogue about how space/solitude/quiet time can help people get perspective on a disagreeable situation. Such as, "You know, sometimes I find that when I am upset over something, after I have talked about it, a quiet or private time can help me. It
isn't about getting away from someone, it's really about getting my self quiet. Maybe just to rest or think. Have you ever felt like that?" If he is interested, you could propose a plan, such that either of you could say, "I think that I would like some quiet time now." Or whatever works for you. The important things for our family are mainly 2 issues: that both people involved like the plan, and that it is discussed before it is a heated-up acute event. Now in a way this begs the original question of whether our empathic involvement can ramp-up a difficult time for a child. But these are ways that I try to dilute some of the predictable melt-downs and explore solutions with the child. Feedback?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My family (parents) and my sitter both feel that my emotional engagement fuels the flames of my 3 kids' emotional traumas. I think, though, that if we must err, we are better to over-validate than dismiss. And you are doing a great job, I can tell! But I do believe that our intuition is very valuable, and if you wonder whether you're somehow 'ramping him up' or if you need space I'd listen to your heart. If many of his episodes are predictable, can you prepare him ahead? (I realize that you may have tried this already.)
For example: "Your brother really needs his goggles to enjoy the water. I am thinking we might need to replace them. What do you think?" If he says "No, that's not fair, I'd want something new." You could say, "Well, if you lost yours I'll bet that you'd really hope that we could replace them. How do you think we could solve this problem?" He may generate solutions, or use it as a chance to process feelings ahead, or to put himself in his brothers' place (empathic skills, problem solving skills, etc)--all of which may be easier when the 'unfair' new goggles haven't been bought yet. You could make a plan with his input--even best, use his plan--then help him remember the plan as the challenge occurs. You could also have a dialogue about how space/solitude/quiet time can help people get perspective on a disagreeable situation. Such as, "You know, sometimes I find that when I am upset over something, after I have talked about it, a quiet or private time can help me. It
isn't about getting away from someone, it's really about getting my self quiet. Maybe just to rest or think. Have you ever felt like that?" If he is interested, you could propose a plan, such that either of you could say, "I think that I would like some quiet time now." Or whatever works for you. The important things for our family are mainly 2 issues: that both people involved like the plan, and that it is discussed before it is a heated-up acute event. Now in a way this begs the original question of whether our empathic involvement can ramp-up a difficult time for a child. But these are ways that I try to dilute some of the predictable melt-downs and explore solutions with the child. Feedback?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]