jennefer harper

As a nanny in my pre-parenting days, I picked up
Sears' The Discipline Book, and that was my
introduction to the concept that discipline was more
than a way of dealing with "undesired behaviors".
Although I do not agree with everything in the book,
it was a good intro to attachment parenting for me
(aside from my instincts). And, I believe it does
have a chapter on why you should not spank. (Of
course I would never spank someone else's child!)
When I was pregnant with our first child and I
mentioned how we should never spank, I was horrified
to hear my partner disagreeing with me for after all,
that was how he was raised! Well, yeah, so was I! My
grandmother would smack us with a fly swatter or
wooden spoon, sometimes for , really, no reason. My
memory of kindergarten (in public school of course)
was being spanked on my butt in front of the class by
my teacher with a ruler, for what? Tapping my pencil
on my workbook- and not stopping when she told me too.
*Alas* perhaps the origins of my anti-authoritarian
mindset. I also have a clear memory of being spanked
by my now EX-stepfather. He also smacked me across
the head once for "telling him how to discipline his
children" (my two half sisters). Btw, we are not in
contact now. I NEVER intended to spank my children
and was relieved when my partner came around after
talking to his psychology professor who recommended a
parenting book to him.

Unfortunately, I have lashed out and smacked/spanked
my first son about three times on his butt or thigh.
This was because I was stressed out, no patience left,
angry because I was not in control etc. Let me tell
you, this DID NOT feel good. I instantly felt guilty,
sad, cried etc. Needless to say, my son was hurt
physically and emotionally. What *was* his mom doing?
It truly hurt his feelings. It can take a lot to
control these feelings of wanting to spank your child.
But those feelings do need to be harnessed. There
are tender ways to address challenging behaviors, and
parents need to seek them out while processing their
own feelings of thinking they should spank, or
harnessing the reflecting, hitting hand.

Aside from dialoging, and trying to deal with
behaviors through words, we have tried time outs. We
tried giving our son a few time outs (and these were
usually for behaviors that were unsafe like repeatedly
throwing a toy at a person), then we switched to
giving the item a time out- the toy, not the person.
Quite a few of my friends are not into time-outs/other
punishments, so we have tried to be open minded about
that approach, and really haven't felt the need to
give too many time-outs at all. It may have been on
this list (but perhaps another) that a woman did not
give time-outs, but gave time to think, thinking time.
So, I have tried this a couple times lately when our
older son hasn't been gentle (but too rough!) with our
one year old. This worked ok as he likes Blues Clues
and knows about the "thinking chair" and can grok what
it means to think about something (he's not yet 3
btw).

I've read Althea Solter's the Aware Baby and got some
good insights from there. I know there are other
sources out there, that I just have not gotton to.
Fortunately we don't have too many challenging
behaviors. Alot, I guess is because we try to give
our sons the most freedom as possible and only
intervene when an action verges on not being safe, or
rude, bad manners-like sharing is a good example. As
far as sharing, I went through a phase were I just let
the kids work it out themselves, and now, say that
they need to share OR take turns. (Alot of your
children may be beyond this.)

My current realization is that I raise my voice or
yell more than I would like! Again, it is all me, and
I need to be more aware of how I communicate. At
least for me, when I am stressed out (keep in mind I
have two children under three!) I KNOW I need to chill
out, because there really are so many damaging affects
on the child, and then that becomes a part of them,
and really, I just want the cycle of *violence* to
end.

While browsing parenting yahoogroups on the web, I was
appalled to see how many spanking discussion groups
there were! Whoa! Lots and lots of "I believe
spanking is the way and don't tell me not to!" groups.
Only a couple anti-spanking groups. One or two
spanking debates groups. Quite a few groups of people
who were spanked discussing their experiences. And,
grossly enough, quite a few that seemed pornographic.
Like, descriptions, pictures and videos of girls being
spanked. *GEEZ* This is really gross.

Anyhow, I don't know how this got so long, I guess
really I just needed to admit all of the above and say
that I truly am against spanking and support anyone
who is trying to stop and am happy to stand up against
anyone who is currently spanking, because it really is
violence against a helpless child.

-Jennefer



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Jon and Rue Kream

>>While browsing parenting yahoogroups on the web, I was
appalled to see how many spanking discussion groups
there were!

**Did you come across Pam S.'s group? Here's the description:

"The primary purpose of the NoMoreSpanking list is support for parents who
wish to discover and utilize alternatives to spanking their children. This
list is not for debating, but is for providing help, information, ideas, and
encouragement primarily for those who prefer not to use corporal punishment
on their children.

The official point of view of this list is that punishment may control a
specific behavior but that it unnecessarily interferes with the long-term
goal of promoting self-control and that alternative nonpunitive ways of
relating to children are preferred. Punishment includes hitting, spanking,
swatting, shaming, ridiculing, threatening, using harsh or cruel words,
penalizing, holding back rewards, or other methods that assert adult power
or vent adult frustration. We are seeking alternative approaches that
provide guidance to our children that will encourage self-control, thinking
before acting, learning to take responsibility for their own behavior, and
especially that will promote a lifelong warm, close, and open relationship
between parent and child.

Questions and suggestions and support are welcome from parents, no matter
what their parenting philosophies or practices, but this is not the place
for argumentative posts, particularly those that justify spanking. "

To subscribe, send an email to [email protected].
~Rue



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

eriksmama2001

Violence damages trust. You know that, now you can choose another
path. Choose connectivity and harmony and joy. It is simple yet
difficult if you never experienced trust yourself. You have to learn
to trust yourself. I know that has been hard for me, and still is
because of external controls for so many years. I am working hard to
follow a different path. I have learned about myself and my hot
buttons. It keeps getting easier.

Pat

--- In [email protected], jennefer harper
<jenneferh2000@y...> wrote:
> As a nanny in my pre-parenting days, I picked up
> Sears' The Discipline Book, and that was my
> introduction to the concept that discipline was more
> than a way of dealing with "undesired behaviors".
> Although I do not agree with everything in the book,
> it was a good intro to attachment parenting for me
> (aside from my instincts). And, I believe it does
> have a chapter on why you should not spank. (Of
> course I would never spank someone else's child!)
> When I was pregnant with our first child and I
> mentioned how we should never spank, I was horrified
> to hear my partner disagreeing with me for after all,
> that was how he was raised! Well, yeah, so was I! My
> grandmother would smack us with a fly swatter or
> wooden spoon, sometimes for , really, no reason. My
> memory of kindergarten (in public school of course)
> was being spanked on my butt in front of the class by
> my teacher with a ruler, for what? Tapping my pencil
> on my workbook- and not stopping when she told me too.
> *Alas* perhaps the origins of my anti-authoritarian
> mindset. I also have a clear memory of being spanked
> by my now EX-stepfather. He also smacked me across
> the head once for "telling him how to discipline his
> children" (my two half sisters). Btw, we are not in
> contact now. I NEVER intended to spank my children
> and was relieved when my partner came around after
> talking to his psychology professor who recommended a
> parenting book to him.
>
> Unfortunately, I have lashed out and smacked/spanked
> my first son about three times on his butt or thigh.
> This was because I was stressed out, no patience left,
> angry because I was not in control etc. Let me tell
> you, this DID NOT feel good. I instantly felt guilty,
> sad, cried etc. Needless to say, my son was hurt
> physically and emotionally. What *was* his mom doing?
> It truly hurt his feelings. It can take a lot to
> control these feelings of wanting to spank your child.
> But those feelings do need to be harnessed. There
> are tender ways to address challenging behaviors, and
> parents need to seek them out while processing their
> own feelings of thinking they should spank, or
> harnessing the reflecting, hitting hand.
>
> Aside from dialoging, and trying to deal with
> behaviors through words, we have tried time outs. We
> tried giving our son a few time outs (and these were
> usually for behaviors that were unsafe like repeatedly
> throwing a toy at a person), then we switched to
> giving the item a time out- the toy, not the person.
> Quite a few of my friends are not into time-outs/other
> punishments, so we have tried to be open minded about
> that approach, and really haven't felt the need to
> give too many time-outs at all. It may have been on
> this list (but perhaps another) that a woman did not
> give time-outs, but gave time to think, thinking time.
> So, I have tried this a couple times lately when our
> older son hasn't been gentle (but too rough!) with our
> one year old. This worked ok as he likes Blues Clues
> and knows about the "thinking chair" and can grok what
> it means to think about something (he's not yet 3
> btw).
>
> I've read Althea Solter's the Aware Baby and got some
> good insights from there. I know there are other
> sources out there, that I just have not gotton to.
> Fortunately we don't have too many challenging
> behaviors. Alot, I guess is because we try to give
> our sons the most freedom as possible and only
> intervene when an action verges on not being safe, or
> rude, bad manners-like sharing is a good example. As
> far as sharing, I went through a phase were I just let
> the kids work it out themselves, and now, say that
> they need to share OR take turns. (Alot of your
> children may be beyond this.)
>
> My current realization is that I raise my voice or
> yell more than I would like! Again, it is all me, and
> I need to be more aware of how I communicate. At
> least for me, when I am stressed out (keep in mind I
> have two children under three!) I KNOW I need to chill
> out, because there really are so many damaging affects
> on the child, and then that becomes a part of them,
> and really, I just want the cycle of *violence* to
> end.
>
> While browsing parenting yahoogroups on the web, I was
> appalled to see how many spanking discussion groups
> there were! Whoa! Lots and lots of "I believe
> spanking is the way and don't tell me not to!" groups.
> Only a couple anti-spanking groups. One or two
> spanking debates groups. Quite a few groups of people
> who were spanked discussing their experiences. And,
> grossly enough, quite a few that seemed pornographic.
> Like, descriptions, pictures and videos of girls being
> spanked. *GEEZ* This is really gross.
>
> Anyhow, I don't know how this got so long, I guess
> really I just needed to admit all of the above and say
> that I truly am against spanking and support anyone
> who is trying to stop and am happy to stand up against
> anyone who is currently spanking, because it really is
> violence against a helpless child.
>
> -Jennefer
>
>
>
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> Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! Mail - 50x more storage than other providers!
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