Geneva

Hey folks,



I'm Geneva, in Dallas. Mom to Echo (6.5), Kobe (4) and Ocean (10mos). We
have unschooled for over 3 yrs.leaning towards radical and often using the
"why not" approach that Rob mentioned here earlier. We do have some rules
here but they are very basic, I do not consider myself a controlling
parent.dh isn't either. I should also add to this intro that dh works long
hours most of the time.he is seen as the fun parent since he is often only
here to have dinner, play rowdy and tuck into bed. Most of the time it is
just me and the kids - if that helps me paint a picture of what's going on
here.



My trouble and the reason I am posting, is I feel myself falling into a
depression this week.after 2 very challenging weeks. I feel spent, worn out
and like I am out of ideas. Normally I would visit a group, pick up a
trusted book or check mothering.com or sandradodd for inspiration but I
haven't had time lately and I can see that my kids need more of my attention
that I have to offer already so using the internet is something I am trying
to fit in right now.and I am here.



The baby is teething, not a problem other than she is very fussy, nurses
like a newborn and I am a little sleep deprived. Okay wait - as I type, I
see that it may be a problem after all. She has needed more of my attention
lately and I guess that is feeding some of the trouble in the household. We
have several slings and I am experienced with several different carries but
she is a big fat baby and particular about how she is slung.wrapped up on my
back has never been okay with her. Wanted to throw that out there because I
have a feeling some of you more experienced moms may first suggest that,
lol.



The bigger kids have been fighting more often over the past few weeks. It
starts over something trivial but then when the 4 yo persists, the 6 yo
screams (often into her face) and the 4 yo strikes with her hands or feet.
Then both kids are crying and upset. My patience ran out I guess about a
week ago. I feel stressed, frazzled, worn out and like I have nothing to
offer these kids. I know this will pass but I am out of ideas. More than
once this week I have cried out of frustration and my kids have seen it more
than once which I am sure feeds the issues that we already have.



Then there's the 4yo. She is obviously going thru some changes that may be
age appropriate but I think the bulk of her issues (can explain more later)
have to do with her needing more attention than she is getting - or perhaps
just more positive attention. Sounds easy enough to fix but im having
trouble seeing "how" to go about it. She has done things this week like
call me stupid, spit at me, spit in the floor, bnreak a pricy camera that I
asked her to only use with my help, and the real doozy - yesterday she took
a P in the floor!! This happened late AM after a wonderful morning of no
fighting and no trouble between any of us. She got under the crib to P in
the floor. This was not an accident or a symptom of a UTI - just something
she did. I found out later that her brother was in the room with her when
she did it.

Where was i? I was downstairs nursing baby to sleep so that we could go and
play in the water hose. This normally takes about 5 min. I would definetly
say that the P in the floor was something she was doing for attention which
frustrates me further because I really don't have any to spare.



I should also add that both of my bigger kids have mentioned this week that
they wish the other was never born (insert my tears here) so I see that a
lot of this (the rivalry) is fixable, I just am having a hard time with
where to start and what to do next.



I think a lot of it is a cry for attention as mentioned earlier. Last week
was a whirlwind of errands and shopping to plan for a bday party for the 4
yo that was held over the weekend. I could see additudes and temperaments
going down hill but couldn't really help it at the time. This week I have
hired a mommys helper to help with the mess left from the party and I have
also taken time to myself to get a haircut, shop and nurture my own spirit
so that I can be 100% for them. As of Thursday afternoon - these things
have made no difference and I am having feelings of sending my kids to full
time daycare.



That however would never happen but I am feeling well, like I said, out of
ideas.

I have lurked on this list for a long long time but I recently started
reading more of the digests because I feel that it may be time to go back to
basics so to speak. This week, my life feels like chaos, unschooling gone
bad and just a big mess of shouting, crying and hurt feelings. Something is
not right with us and it seems to get more complicated with each passing
day.



Atm- the kids are playing quietly in front of the tv. I have declared it
"quiet time" since the baby is sleeping and needs her rest.

I will checkback here later and any questions I can answer to make the
picture clearer, lmk and any advice, ideas or insight you would like to
share will be welcome and appreciated.



I feel a lot like my own mother lately and she was a huge mess of screaming,
empty threats, low self opinion and detached parenting.not the way I was
planning to go. Thanks in advance for reading this far and for any insight.





geneva





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie

--- In [email protected], "Geneva" <gozas@...> wrote:
> I'm Geneva, in Dallas. Mom to Echo (6.5), Kobe (4) and Ocean
(10mos). We
> have unschooled for over 3 yrs.leaning towards radical and often
using the
> My trouble and the reason I am posting, is I feel myself falling
into a
> depression this week.after 2 very challenging weeks. I feel
spent, worn out
> and like I am out of ideas.


Best thing at this point is to eat good food (not processed but
close to real food) and then do something you normally do not do.
Take a day off and go to a park where the kids can run free or to a
friends house that the kids love to be at. Get a baby sitter for the
smallest and go have some BIG kids fun with the others. Make water
balloons and throw them (my kids latest obsession).

I notice that when I eat quick easy food I am irritable and tired
and take it out on the kids and then I realize whoa I need FOOD.
Also sometimes we need change even just for a day to start fresh-
find something you have not done in awhile and do that.

Ask the kids what they would like to do for a day of fun-

tracyliebmann

Hi~

Sounds like a rough spot, we all go through them! I have found sleep
deprivation to be a serious matter...it makes me really grumpy and
I'll cry at the drop off a hat! I think it's fine to cry infront of
my kids, I just try to own it, let them know I'm tired or sad or even
at the end of my rope. I own it, it's not their fault. I have some
ideas...don't know how fresh they are <g>
-go to bed with the kids
-don't worry about the "mommy work" for a few days...rest, play and
enjoy each other
-turn the phone off
-don't make a big deal out of the P...just clean it up
-rent movies, pop pop corn, build a fort, crawl in, watch and munch
-the above can reconnect you all and let you rest :-)
-go outside/to park (when u get your energy back) sunshine and
exercise always seems to help
-ask for help
-I guess what I'm saying is establish an at home with 3 kids under
the age of 6 <BGW> Rest & Relaxation plan...LOL
-get creative find a way to relax within the chaos ;-)Sounds very ZEN!

Take care, you're not alone and it will pass!
Peace~Love~Free~
Tracy





--- In [email protected], "Geneva" <gozas@...> wrote:
>
> Hey folks,
>
>
>
> I'm Geneva, in Dallas. Mom to Echo (6.5), Kobe (4) and Ocean
(10mos). We
> have unschooled for over 3 yrs.leaning towards radical and often
using the
> "why not" approach that Rob mentioned here earlier. We do have
some rules
> here but they are very basic, I do not consider myself a controlling
> parent.dh isn't either. I should also add to this intro that dh
works long
> hours most of the time.he is seen as the fun parent since he is
often only
> here to have dinner, play rowdy and tuck into bed. Most of the
time it is
> just me and the kids - if that helps me paint a picture of what's
going on
> here.
>
>
>
> My trouble and the reason I am posting, is I feel myself falling
into a
> depression this week.after 2 very challenging weeks. I feel spent,
worn out
> and like I am out of ideas. Normally I would visit a group, pick
up a
> trusted book or check mothering.com or sandradodd for inspiration
but I
> haven't had time lately and I can see that my kids need more of my
attention
> that I have to offer already so using the internet is something I
am trying
> to fit in right now.and I am here.
>
>
>
> The baby is teething, not a problem other than she is very fussy,
nurses
> like a newborn and I am a little sleep deprived. Okay wait - as I
type, I
> see that it may be a problem after all. She has needed more of my
attention
> lately and I guess that is feeding some of the trouble in the
household. We
> have several slings and I am experienced with several different
carries but
> she is a big fat baby and particular about how she is slung.wrapped
up on my
> back has never been okay with her. Wanted to throw that out there
because I
> have a feeling some of you more experienced moms may first suggest
that,
> lol.
>
>
>
> The bigger kids have been fighting more often over the past few
weeks. It
> starts over something trivial but then when the 4 yo persists, the
6 yo
> screams (often into her face) and the 4 yo strikes with her hands
or feet.
> Then both kids are crying and upset. My patience ran out I guess
about a
> week ago. I feel stressed, frazzled, worn out and like I have
nothing to
> offer these kids. I know this will pass but I am out of ideas.
More than
> once this week I have cried out of frustration and my kids have
seen it more
> than once which I am sure feeds the issues that we already have.
>
>
>
> Then there's the 4yo. She is obviously going thru some changes
that may be
> age appropriate but I think the bulk of her issues (can explain
more later)
> have to do with her needing more attention than she is getting - or
perhaps
> just more positive attention. Sounds easy enough to fix but im
having
> trouble seeing "how" to go about it. She has done things this week
like
> call me stupid, spit at me, spit in the floor, bnreak a pricy
camera that I
> asked her to only use with my help, and the real doozy - yesterday
she took
> a P in the floor!! This happened late AM after a wonderful morning
of no
> fighting and no trouble between any of us. She got under the crib
to P in
> the floor. This was not an accident or a symptom of a UTI - just
something
> she did. I found out later that her brother was in the room with
her when
> she did it.
>
> Where was i? I was downstairs nursing baby to sleep so that we
could go and
> play in the water hose. This normally takes about 5 min. I would
definetly
> say that the P in the floor was something she was doing for
attention which
> frustrates me further because I really don't have any to spare.
>
>
>
> I should also add that both of my bigger kids have mentioned this
week that
> they wish the other was never born (insert my tears here) so I see
that a
> lot of this (the rivalry) is fixable, I just am having a hard time
with
> where to start and what to do next.
>
>
>
> I think a lot of it is a cry for attention as mentioned earlier.
Last week
> was a whirlwind of errands and shopping to plan for a bday party
for the 4
> yo that was held over the weekend. I could see additudes and
temperaments
> going down hill but couldn't really help it at the time. This week
I have
> hired a mommys helper to help with the mess left from the party and
I have
> also taken time to myself to get a haircut, shop and nurture my own
spirit
> so that I can be 100% for them. As of Thursday afternoon - these
things
> have made no difference and I am having feelings of sending my kids
to full
> time daycare.
>
>
>
> That however would never happen but I am feeling well, like I said,
out of
> ideas.
>
> I have lurked on this list for a long long time but I recently
started
> reading more of the digests because I feel that it may be time to
go back to
> basics so to speak. This week, my life feels like chaos,
unschooling gone
> bad and just a big mess of shouting, crying and hurt feelings.
Something is
> not right with us and it seems to get more complicated with each
passing
> day.
>
>
>
> Atm- the kids are playing quietly in front of the tv. I have
declared it
> "quiet time" since the baby is sleeping and needs her rest.
>
> I will checkback here later and any questions I can answer to make
the
> picture clearer, lmk and any advice, ideas or insight you would
like to
> share will be welcome and appreciated.
>
>
>
> I feel a lot like my own mother lately and she was a huge mess of
screaming,
> empty threats, low self opinion and detached parenting.not the way
I was
> planning to go. Thanks in advance for reading this far and for any
insight.
>
>
>
>
>
> geneva
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

dana_burdick

Hi there,

>I will checkback here later and any questions I can answer to make
the
>picture clearer, lmk and any advice, ideas or insight you would like
to
>share will be welcome and appreciated.

>I feel a lot like my own mother lately and she was a huge mess of
screaming,
>empty threats, low self opinion and detached parenting.not the way I
was
>planning to go. Thanks in advance for reading this far and for any
insight.


Things sound rough and I second the sleep deprivation issue. It can
be SO big and should not be overlooked as the larger chunk of your
frustration.

Perhaps after you get some sleep you could consider the following.
There are a few things that popped out at me as I read your post:

>We do have some rules
>here but they are very basic, I do not consider myself a controlling
>parent.dh isn't either.

How do you police these rules? How do you watch your children to
make sure they are following these rules? How do you insure that the
rules are handled consistently between your husband and you? How do
you handle situations when a rule has been broken? Do you have a
form of punishment? How do you make sure that the rules apply
equally among your children?

As first glance a few rules sound innocent enough, but rules quickly
become a complicated business especially as the kids get older. This
combined with your comment about your husband being the "fun" parent
sounds like you may feel like someone has to be the bad guy or at
least, the serious parent.

This is probably not your immediate concern, but it might be a bigger
aggravator than it appears to you right now. I'm sure you are all
versed on thinking in terms of principles and not rules, but you
might reconsider your decision to keep rules.


I don't know the exact dynamic between you and your children when
they fight, but you might find as you reach more toward fulfilling
needs instead of finding fault, that your children will fight less.
It's all in how you view your children's disagreements. If you have
modeled that there is someone at fault in an argument, your children
may try to resolve a disagreement by finding the `good guy'. Since
everyone wants to be a good guy, fighting will result. In the case
of one child hitting another, if you ask who hit first, you further
instill the need in the children to come up on top. Your child might
think, "Let's see, I hit first, so I'm the bad guy here. But, wait a
minute. I want to be the good guy, so I need to defend myself."
Your other child who did not hit first thinks, "Yea! I'm the good
guy this time." He then proceeds to say, "He did it, he did it
first!" None of this is very satisfying for anybody and in an effort
to settle it, your left feeling like a bad guy yourself. Yucky!


As I'm sure you know in these situations, you have to look at change
in yourself before you can see change in others. The cool thing is,
you _do_ have the power to control what you do next. And, it doesn't
even require doing anything or making someone else do anything. All
you have to do is change your thoughts. I suggest you stop right now
and see yourself as the good guy. Your not the good guy some of the
time, but ALL of the time. For that matter, your children are good
guys ALL of the time too. With no bad guys around, there are no
ucky-blucky feelings and all that is left are needs.


And this is sort of a tricky one; think of being totally and utterly
selfish when things are at their worst. I don't mean like taking a
bubble bath, but think selfishly in the moment. When your daughter
calls you stupid and spits on you, I imagine that it is very
painful. As you mentioned, you think about how she needs you and how
she needs more positive attention from you. At first glance it
appears that your concern is all about her, but with closer
examination it is clear that it is all about you (isn't it always
about us <bwg>). "_I_ don't have attention to spare," you said. "_I_
can't do more." You are already thinking selfishly, but it is in a
stressful and negative way. Go ahead let it be about you, but
instead, try to turn it around. "I am a `good guy' and I am the best
person for this child. My daughter is a `good guy' too and she is
resourceful even if I am not there every single moment." In this
way, your daughter will feel your positive attention, even if it is
not direct time spent with her.


>I feel stressed, frazzled, worn out and like I have nothing to
>offer these kids.

Is this true from your children's point of view? If someone asked
your children's opinion, would they say the same thing, "Oh yeah, my
daddy, he's the fun guy around here. My mom, well, she doesn't have
anything to offer." I suggest trying to see yourself through your
children's eyes. You might find someone who is extraordinarily
caring and sensitive. You might find a real person with real
feelings. You might find someone who you want to reach out to and
help. There is nothing more empowering than allowing a child to help
you. I don't mean help as in asking your four year old to do the
dishes. I mean more of an openness to accepting their love for you,
especially when you are needing moral support. They are amazing
little beings that can give you strength even as you are helping them.


>This week I have
>hired a mommys helper to help with the mess left from the party and
I have
>also taken time to myself to get a haircut, shop and nurture my own
spirit
>so that I can be 100% for them.

This sounds great; obviously you are making use of the resources you
know you need. The 100% is a red flag though. Who said we ever had
to be 100% for anybody. Perhaps you could find that at the Perfect
Mommy Store <bwg>. You are human and your children love you at 100%
and 50% and 3%. <IMO> If you need to be 100%, be 100% for yourself.
All the rest will follow - really.

-Dana

sharon currie

Hi Geneva,

I do agree with everyone. Lack of rest is your number one enemy, exhaution can be a very difficult thing to overcome, on your own. It seems everybody is wanting a piece of you but you're too tired to 'give' any. Your kids is probably picking up your tension and is responding to it big time. The best way for all concern is to be doing something happy and fun. They need some attention and fun to distract them and you need time and space to yourself , to de-stress, sleep and re-energize. If your husband has holidays to take from work, this is the time for him to consider taking a day or 2 off. I too goes thru lousy days whereby the day seems too long and too up hill to even contemplate and I only have one kid, and you have 3! My husband will take Thursday and Friday, leading into the weekend, to help give me a chance to rest. So maybe your husband can do the same, take the kids off your hands for a few day. The house can be a mess(not important), meals can be had outside(i
don't think anybody will be malnorished surviving on sandwiches for the next few day with daddy, maybe daddy can get them to even make thier own sandwich) In fact you shouldn't really worry what they eat the next few days, as it's daddy's job to ensure they are fed, and water, and washed, and so tired that they will gladly go to bed! I would suggest daddy take them all (except baby as daddy hasn't got milky breast LOL!) to parks, from morning till evening considering it's summer time now, everyday, for the next few days! Maybe dad can be adventurous and take them to different park evryday.

Hope you'll be yourself again, revived enough climb a mountain with your kids.

All the best.

With best wishes,
SharonC




---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

diana jenner

A little perspective shift for ya. You *do* have enough, really! I dub thee:
Abundant Mommy :)
Sometimes it just helps to remind yourself that it's not about 100%, 100% of
the time; for me it's about giving whatever I've got 35% or 89% or 64%-- I
give what I got and there's *always* PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
Abundant Patience
Abundant Love
Abundant Joy
:::du, da, du::: Abundant Mommy

(This specific perspective change comes to me via Ren & one of her wonderful
talks at Live and Learn!! Thanks chickie :)

On 6/22/07, sharon currie <lyeping2607@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Geneva,
>
> I do agree with everyone. Lack of rest is your number one enemy, exhaution
> can be a very difficult thing to overcome, on your own. It seems everybody
> is wanting a piece of you but you're too tired to 'give' any. Your kids is
> probably picking up your tension and is responding to it big time. The best
> way for all concern is to be doing something happy and fun. They need some
> attention and fun to distract them and you need time and space to yourself ,
> to de-stress, sleep and re-energize. If your husband has holidays to take
> from work, this is the time for him to consider taking a day or 2 off. I too
> goes thru lousy days whereby the day seems too long and too up hill to even
> contemplate and I only have one kid, and you have 3! My husband will take
> Thursday and Friday, leading into the weekend, to help give me a chance to
> rest. So maybe your husband can do the same, take the kids off your hands
> for a few day. The house can be a mess(not important), meals can be had
> outside(i
> don't think anybody will be malnorished surviving on sandwiches for the
> next few day with daddy, maybe daddy can get them to even make thier own
> sandwich) In fact you shouldn't really worry what they eat the next few
> days, as it's daddy's job to ensure they are fed, and water, and washed, and
> so tired that they will gladly go to bed! I would suggest daddy take them
> all (except baby as daddy hasn't got milky breast LOL!) to parks, from
> morning till evening considering it's summer time now, everyday, for the
> next few days! Maybe dad can be adventurous and take them to different park
> evryday.
>
> Hope you'll be yourself again, revived enough climb a mountain with your
> kid
>


--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]