When to interfere and when not to interfere
Marla B.
I'm realizing that I'm still struggling with wanting to interfere more
with my 8 yo. dd's social issues than I should. For example, she and
her friends were letterboxing (searching for letterboxes at a park,
kind of like a treasure hunt) and there were only two letterboxes but
several friends. At one point, they were searching for the last
letterbox and one of her friends spotted it and wanted to get it, but
my dd was closer and she grabbed it down. I know it sounds so silly,
but I spoke up before she grabbed it and asked that she let her friend
who spotted it get the letterbox. I was thinking that it wasn't fair
that the girl who spotted it shouldn't get it down and that my dd
should leave it and could maybe help open it up or something else.
Looking back, I realized that the other mother's didn't get involved
and that I may have upset my dd by speaking up and that I should have
kept quiet. I have to trust that she will learn social skills on her
own and that her friend's will guide her. Or maybe I shouldn't say
anything at the time and wait until we are alone to discuss it with her.
I always felt like a social reject growing up (and still plenty of
times now - lol) and so I think that I may feel the need to have more
control with dd in this area. I'm not definite about this, but
sometimes I think that is how I feel.
I would love some insight into this.
Thanks!
Marla Mom to Amy (8 yo.) and Lily (almost 4 yo.)
with my 8 yo. dd's social issues than I should. For example, she and
her friends were letterboxing (searching for letterboxes at a park,
kind of like a treasure hunt) and there were only two letterboxes but
several friends. At one point, they were searching for the last
letterbox and one of her friends spotted it and wanted to get it, but
my dd was closer and she grabbed it down. I know it sounds so silly,
but I spoke up before she grabbed it and asked that she let her friend
who spotted it get the letterbox. I was thinking that it wasn't fair
that the girl who spotted it shouldn't get it down and that my dd
should leave it and could maybe help open it up or something else.
Looking back, I realized that the other mother's didn't get involved
and that I may have upset my dd by speaking up and that I should have
kept quiet. I have to trust that she will learn social skills on her
own and that her friend's will guide her. Or maybe I shouldn't say
anything at the time and wait until we are alone to discuss it with her.
I always felt like a social reject growing up (and still plenty of
times now - lol) and so I think that I may feel the need to have more
control with dd in this area. I'm not definite about this, but
sometimes I think that is how I feel.
I would love some insight into this.
Thanks!
Marla Mom to Amy (8 yo.) and Lily (almost 4 yo.)
Julie
--- In [email protected], "Marla B." <marla@...> wrote:
them if you just let them work it through. My children are 4 and 2 and
when they want womething the other has they often get physical but
since I have been using different methods the 4 yr old has started to
find ways to "work it out" so both gets to have what they want. Many
times I will stand back and see how they will resolve the issue but am
ready to pounce if it gets out of hand. My mom on the other hand wants
me to step in and make it fair for the little one or teach the older
one to share or what not and I tell her that they have to live
together without me and they have to find ways to work it out or they
will be worse to each other.
Sometimes life is not fair and that is okay- If the girl who spotted
it did not throw a fit or say hey I see it I get it then you could
have let it go. Your daughter got it first and that is okay to. I do
not think we should teach our children to *always give into someone
eles* or *always share with people* or *always be nice* these things
are not reality and do not teach children to stand up for their ideas,
thought, opinions, wants, needs.....
Just some thoughts-
Julie
>more
> I'm realizing that I'm still struggling with wanting to interfere
> with my 8 yo. dd's social issues than I should. For example, she andI think that most of the times the children will work it out between
> her friends were letterboxing (searching for letterboxes at a park,
> kind of like a treasure hunt) and there were only two letterboxes but
> several friends.
them if you just let them work it through. My children are 4 and 2 and
when they want womething the other has they often get physical but
since I have been using different methods the 4 yr old has started to
find ways to "work it out" so both gets to have what they want. Many
times I will stand back and see how they will resolve the issue but am
ready to pounce if it gets out of hand. My mom on the other hand wants
me to step in and make it fair for the little one or teach the older
one to share or what not and I tell her that they have to live
together without me and they have to find ways to work it out or they
will be worse to each other.
Sometimes life is not fair and that is okay- If the girl who spotted
it did not throw a fit or say hey I see it I get it then you could
have let it go. Your daughter got it first and that is okay to. I do
not think we should teach our children to *always give into someone
eles* or *always share with people* or *always be nice* these things
are not reality and do not teach children to stand up for their ideas,
thought, opinions, wants, needs.....
Just some thoughts-
Julie
Danielle Conger
The other thing I meant to suggest with intervening prescriptively in
these kinds of situations is that you risk drawing the negativity of the
moment as your *fault* rather than a natural consequence of your dd's
choice. Social situations can be naturally corrective or not, we can't
always predict. And while there are ways we can gently intervene without
thwarting the natural learning moment between peers as a way of
mitigating potentially painful natural consequences, I personally think
it's important to do so in a way the preserves the peer relations. Kind
of like the police being called into a domestic dispute and both parties
turning on the police, kwim? I try to step in with the role of mediator
and facilitator rather than authority if that makes any sense because I
feel I can help without detracting or disempowering.
Maybe it's a tired mantra, but I feel that if I keep empowerment as my
goal, then I tend to approach things in a way that's more conducive to
helping my kids find their own paths while simultaneously being able to
help avoid or at least diminish painful consequences. Not that I'm a
100% perfect practitioner, but that's my goal.
--
~~Danielle
Emily (9), Julia (8), Sam (7)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Connections: ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting
http://connections.organiclearning.org
these kinds of situations is that you risk drawing the negativity of the
moment as your *fault* rather than a natural consequence of your dd's
choice. Social situations can be naturally corrective or not, we can't
always predict. And while there are ways we can gently intervene without
thwarting the natural learning moment between peers as a way of
mitigating potentially painful natural consequences, I personally think
it's important to do so in a way the preserves the peer relations. Kind
of like the police being called into a domestic dispute and both parties
turning on the police, kwim? I try to step in with the role of mediator
and facilitator rather than authority if that makes any sense because I
feel I can help without detracting or disempowering.
Maybe it's a tired mantra, but I feel that if I keep empowerment as my
goal, then I tend to approach things in a way that's more conducive to
helping my kids find their own paths while simultaneously being able to
help avoid or at least diminish painful consequences. Not that I'm a
100% perfect practitioner, but that's my goal.
--
~~Danielle
Emily (9), Julia (8), Sam (7)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Connections: ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting
http://connections.organiclearning.org