finnymom

Hi. My name is Jeanne, and we used to unschool our ds who is 10.
Then the baby came and my post partum anxiety almost did me in. We
sent our big guy to to public montessori that was flexible and
wonderful and didn't worry about testing or homework or anything like
that. Then we got into the highly sought after arts school which was
a nightmare. Now, we are trying to de-school, and work our way back
to homeschooling. A few years ago, I was on an unschooling list where
the moderator was mean and rude and criticized anyone who didn't
follow the Unschooling law to the letter. Strange, huh? Every time
you voiced a concern, to help you and your family grow she would say,
"that's not unschooling" or "I guess you aren't a true unschooler."
Needless to say, I got discouraged. I'm wanting support and this
forum looks like a place where I might find that.

My first question. . .I'll start with a little one or two. . .how do
you all work with piano lessons? And, how do you support an
unschooler who thrives on structure and falls apart with the lack of it.

Can't wait to hear from you!

Jeanne

dana_burdick

Hi and welcome to the group.

>how do you all work with piano lessons?

Perhaps you would like to be more specific about piano lessons. Is
your son currently taking piano lessons? Is there some difficulty he
is having with the lessons? We would be able to comment better if we
understood the specific issue/or problem you or your son is having
over piano lessons.

>And, how do you support an
>unschooler who thrives on structure and falls apart with the lack of
it.

I think that it is often thought that unschooling equals little or no
structure. This is simply not true. Our days are structured by the
natural rhythms of our daily routine and activities we enjoy.
Instead of drawing attention to possessing or not possessing
structure, it might be helpful for you to ask yourself, "What kind of
activities brings us satisfaction?" You and/or your son's
dissatisfaction with your days will guide you into a set of
activities that you fall into rhythm with. A kind of structure will
naturally fall out from this rhythm. Your attentive presence as your
son discovers his passions and rhythms will give him the support he
needs to reach out into this new territory.

-Dana

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "finnymom"
<bigmonstermama@...> wrote:
>> how do you support an
> unschooler who thrives on structure and falls apart with the lack
of it.

I thought Dana had a really good reply to this, but I wanted to add
to it. Y'all are still deschooling. Part of that process is
emotional. There's a certain amount of security when someone else is
making all the decisions - I remember how scary it was to transition
to being self employed. I make the rules? Yikes. Your son needs to
feel that he *can* make decisions about his own life, but doesn't
always *have* to. Your biggest job in all this is to develop better
two-way communication with him so you can understand his needs and
wants and wishes and help him make decisions that honor those. You
may have to model some of that process for him. You think you want x
but you also like y... can we do/have both? can we try one and then
switch? etc etc.

One of the startling things I discovered when my stepson moved into
our unschooling home was how uncertain and fragile he was - still is
in many ways. At 13, he's less used to making his own decisions than
my 5yo. It helped me alot, in the first couple months especially, to
let go of any expectations of what "13" should look like and meet
Ray where he was.

>how do
> you all work with piano lessons?

With any kind of lessons, its good to be ready to drop them at any
time. That may be emotionally challenging for *you* if you've paid a
lot of money up front for them, so if your ds is waffling about
wanting to continue lessons you may want to look into a different
teacher or progam that lets you pay per lesson, or for only six at a
go instead of 12 or whatever. If he wants to stop, stop. If he wants
to take lessons but not practice, don't make him practice. If he
doesn't want to do the recital thing, be okay with that. Support him
where he is and look for solutions that respect his wants and wishes
*right now*. Be honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting
him to continue - do you have some picture in your mind of a future,
adult him playing piano beautifully? Own that image and separate it
from the real-life kid you live with.

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)