sylvia057

Greetings wise parents! I am new to the list and have been lurking for a while but much of
the discussion has motivated me to post my concern about my relationship with my DD,
who just turned 3.

I'm worried about my relationship her I want her to know that I love her unconditionally
but I fear that she believes that my love is indeed conditional. I try as much as possible to
say yes at every turn and put the relationship first, however I also have a one year old son.
Needless to say sleep deprivation is a way of life for me. Also both kids really need me -
to nurse, to change diapers, to eat, to explain why. I want our relationship to be peaceful
but some days she screams "Mommy you're not answering me!" when all I was trying to do
was to figure out how to answer her question. How do you juggle two young people who
have very big needs?

I want to just go with her flow but I also have to consider the needs of her brother too.

Also she is at an age where every adult feels they have to drill the please and thank you
thing into her. It seems really inhumane the giant adult holding the sippy cup over the
head of the thirsty child saying "what's the magic word?" And much to my horror I have
been that person. It is very hard not to get sucked in to conventional parenting when on a
playdate or what not.

Finally someone recently commented to me that I might be making my daughter anxious
by giving her too much freedom at too early an age. That inviting her to make decisions
might leave her feeling like she has too much responsibility at too young an age. Writing
it now it sounds like baloney but at the time I felt a distinct Uh-Oh sensation in my gut.

Thanks for the thought provoking posts.

Sylvia

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/15/2007 5:02:31 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
sylvia057@... writes:

Finally someone recently commented to me that I might be making my daughter
anxious
by giving her too much freedom at too early an age. That inviting her to
make decisions
might leave her feeling like she has too much responsibility at too young an
age. Writing
it now it sounds like baloney but at the time I felt a distinct Uh-Oh
sensation in my gut.



You know, I think that people who are not in the know about unschooling,
think that we run willy-nilly, lol, and that our kids have no idea of any limits
or anything. Or that we don't pay attention or don't care and they seem to
assume the kids are coloring all over the walls, throwing food, lol, making
disasters wherever they go while we look, smile and say, "Oh, isn't he just
GREAT?!" lol! Which is of course, totally untrue. We guide, we help, we support,
we show by doing, we do all KINDS of things that help our children learn
themselves, (learn who they are is what I mean there) - at least *I* think *I*
do, lol. I guide more than some parents I think. I do say "no" sometimes,
though I try not to, and I almost always (because I'm human, I err, and I've been
known to crack under my own perceived pressure and ...yell...lol) give a
reason why I am saying no to something. But here, with us, I have areas in which
the kids have total freedom of choice, and there are some areas I'm not that
open about. For example, at Target - I won't buy the Minute Maid Lemonade
juice boxes...there is high fructose corn syrup in it, so we get Trader Joe's
version - regular sugar. Julian (age 4, nearing 5) asks, I say no, I remind
him why and also let him know when we are going to TJs, and that we will get
them there. That's fine with him, it all works out. I am getting more relaxed
with food, but I'm not "there" all the way yet, but am better. I know that
Julian will ignore his hunger when he is focused on other things, then he
becomes ravenous and moody as a result - so I make meals for him, remind him to
eat...I don't force contents down his mouth and I let him eat where he is
usually and it's working out well, lol...

I don't know what I'm saying, lol...I guess it's this: You know your child,
maybe there are some areas that you can loosen up in and maybe there are some
areas that more structure is wanted. She is learning, so are you. Its a
process. Maybe you can give her options and choices in areas that she is already
really strong in, and gently help her to make more choices on her own in the
areas in which it's still too much for her.You mentioned that she screams at
you, saying you're not listening. Can you try to avoid that situation by
saying right off, "What you said is important, and I want to respond to you the
best I can. I need a minute to think about that."? Would that be helpful at all
to you?

I wanted to mention that horrid "please" issue too. Gee, why do people DO
that?! An insincere "please" is yucky, in my opinion. Asking nicely is just as
good I feel. I don't like it if my kids yell at someone to get them something,
or say things in a really demanding way - and they super rarely hardly ever
do that :) lol..I don't demand please and thank you. They model me - I say
it, so do they. I don't demand in a nasty tone of voice, I speak in a decent
tone of voice, but don't ALWAYS say please. What person does, child or adult?
There is a difference between "Get me some juice!!" and "Could you pour me
some juice?" I try to model the first example and have even reminded other
adults that something said in a "nice tone of voice" is, actually, a way of saying
please. I have done this at stores, with adults, you name it.

Anyway, I have no idea if that helped you or not, or if you even really
needed any help really - because you sound so loving and so sensitive to your
children's needs and wants, I bet you're moving along just fine in this issue.

Take care,
Karen



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "sylvia057"
<sylvia057@...> wrote:
>> Finally someone recently commented to me that I might be making
my daughter anxious
> by giving her too much freedom at too early an age. That inviting
her to make decisions
> might leave her feeling like she has too much responsibility at
too young an age.

I do think its possible to "push" a child to be more independent
than she is emotionally ready for, but that's not something that's
dependent on age. There are ways my 5yo is more independent than my
13yo, just bc of differences in personality. It would be useful to
do a little self-check and see if you are saying things like "oh,
you can do that" (or even just sighing in exasperation) when your
3yo is asking for help.

At the same time, I think its possible to do too many things *for* a
child when a child really wants to explore and experiment -
especially during the transition from "toddler" to "little kid".
Some kids want to try *everything* and need lots of opportunities
and facilitation - and that does make a lot more work for parents.

With Morgan (my "always unschooled" kid) I've seen a sort of ebb and
flow in the area of independence. She has gone through phases of
wanting to do everything herself and phases of wanting me or George
to do everything for her - even things she's already "mastered".

>I want our relationship to be peaceful
> but some days she screams "Mommy you're not answering me!" when
all I was trying to do
> was to figure out how to answer her question.

Maybe you could say something like "I'm thinking" or make some
really clear "listening" sounds and gestures so she can connect more
with your process. After all, it can be hard to tell the difference
between "mommy thinking" and "mommy getting distracted". I usually
find that when Morgan is doing a lot of yelling at *me* its bc I've
been getting distracted frequently.

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)