Marla B.

My dh, who supports a lot of what we do (i.e. unschooling, family bed,
extended nursing, etc.) constantly complains about the housework not
being done. I try to remind him that I am busy non-stop all day,
picking up, playing with the kids, making meals, etc. The children
are my priority and I do what housework I can (besides constantly
picking up (which I don't mind), I try to focus on the clothes and
dishes - not meaning that I necessarily get them done).

One factor, which I've pointed out, is that he is never home. He
works long hours and when he comes home, he just wants to veg (which
means he jumps on the computer or watches t.v. alone in his room). He
also is the leader of a nine-piece horn band (meaning he does
everything - sets up practices (trying to get 9 people together once a
week), copies cds and dvds, contacts venues, prints out promotional
stuff, etc.)

So, my complaint is that he expects me to keep the house clean, but I
want him to realize that the kids are more important than the
housework. And if he wants more housework done, he has to be around
more to help with the housework or play with the kids.

He doesn't feel this is the problem.

How can we resolve this situation?

Thanks!

Marla Mom to Amy (8 yo.) and Lily (4 yo. in June)

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/26/2007 10:55:19 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
marla@... writes:

So, my complaint is that he expects me to keep the house clean, but I
want him to realize that the kids are more important than the
housework. And if he wants more housework done, he has to be around
more to help with the housework or play with the kids.

He doesn't feel this is the problem.

How can we resolve this situation?



___

I know you'll get some great responses to this about expectations and
communication between the two of you but I'm going to offer just one practical idea
that doesn't really address the underlying issues here but may help as you
work things out. Find a space that is just for your husband that can be as
organized as he needs it to be.

I am one of those people who really needs a high level of organized clean
space to feel at peace and be able to function at my best. My husband is gone
now most of the time and there is just too much for me to keep up with. My
kids are older so I don't really have the messy house issue and I can just
close the door to a bedroom. However, I struggle with keeping up all the
outside stuff...watering, moving, half done house projects.

I have two spaces in the house that I keep just like I want. When I'm
feeling overwhelmed (like I am today) I just go into one of those spaces and
enjoy everything in it's place. Then I feel able to just hang out with the kids
or maybe do one more "little" thing that I want to get done.

I think I've seen Ren post about a space like this for her husband. It
might be worth a try.

Gail



************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

~~And if he wants more housework done, he has to be around
more to help with the housework or play with the kids.~~

EXACTLY!!
If you're comfortable with the level of cleanliness and he isn't, then
it becomes his issue. There's always the factor of trying to be
considerate of other people in the house and their need for clean, but
at this point, it sounds like he has expectations without taking any
responsibility.

I'd make it clear that you are comfortable with the way things are
(I'm assuming you're fine with whatever level of clean/mess the house
is right now?) and ask him how he felt if you tried to impose your
level of comfort on him......rather than just asking for help.

Eliciting cooperation works much better than coercing...for adults as
well as kids!!:) We've been known to have a 10 minute straightening
binge just before Bleu gets home, just because we know it will be
nicer for him. But someone grumping about mess doesn't inspire me
much! Asking for help works much better.

Is he open to simply communicating when it bothers him and having a
quick clean-up party where everyone just pitches in for a few minutes,
making it a fun thing to do together?

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Ren Allen

~~
I think I've seen Ren post about a space like this for her husband. It
might be worth a try.~~


I had just highlighted your advice about this in order to respond,
then saw that you'd written the above! :)
YES, a huge thing for us in choosing a home is making sure dh has his
own space. It's always neat and tidy, nicely decorated and very
calming. We love his space but find it difficult to keep our own
spaces that way...so we don't.

Our lives are much better when each of us has a space to do with as we
please. Especially for those personalities that really NEED a tidy,
organized space in families that don't have the same needs.

Our living/dining is considered "communal" space and we all try to
keep it nice. Dh usually spends a chunk of time keeping it to his
standard, rather than imposing it upon us. And we all keep it tidier
than we would on our own. So it's a great way to meet in the
middle....and I really function better when it's neat so it helps me a
lot.

The rest of the house is up to individuals. Dh has a room with a
bathroom so he can keep it all however he chooses and the rest of us
can do the same. I think this strategy probably saved our marriage!:)

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/27/2007 3:37:00 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:

My dh, who supports a lot of what we do (i.e. unschooling, family bed,
extended nursing, etc.) constantly complains about the housework not
being done. I try to remind him that I am busy non-stop all day,
picking up, playing with the kids, making meals, etc. <<<<<<<<<<,

If you feel your needs for clean or not clean are being met, have you talked
to your dh about his feelings and his needs? If he needs a certain level of
clean in the house there are probably many options for him to get his needs
met. More than I am probably thinking of in the moment. Maybe if all of
you sat down (children are great at finding creative solutions) you could talk
about what it is exactly he needs and work to find a solution that will fill
that need without you or the children sacrificing their own needs in the
process.

Just a thought,
Pam G





************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Nance Confer

I have seen several posts here and there lately from women who are
putting up with this garbage from their husbands. So bear in mind that
my response is carrying some of that baggage.

Dishes and laundry and dusting and vacuuming are equal opportunity
activities. There is no restriction on him doing these things. If he has
time for a hobby, he can give part of that up to make the house as clean
as he likes.

This is supposed to be a "we're all in this together" deal. Not some
sort of arrangement where you get to wait on him and he gets down time.

If I walked into your house and plopped my feet up in front of the TV,
you might not think much of my conversational ability.

But if I also criticized how your house looked and demanded that you do
more cleaning, while I rest and, btw, go out with my buddies, I hope you
would think I was extremely rude.

Your husband has no more right to be rude to you than I do.

Nance



On Sun, 2007-05-27 at 07:33 +0000, [email protected]
wrote:
> One factor, which I've pointed out, is that he is never home. He
> works long hours and when he comes home, he just wants to veg (which
> means he jumps on the computer or watches t.v. alone in his room). He
> also is the leader of a nine-piece horn band (meaning he does
> everything - sets up practices (trying to get 9 people together once a
> week), copies cds and dvds, contacts venues, prints out promotional
> stuff, etc.)
>

Marla B.

> YES, a huge thing for us in choosing a home is making sure dh has his
> own space. It's always neat and tidy, nicely decorated and very
> calming. We love his space but find it difficult to keep our own
> spaces that way...so we don't.
>
> specially for those personalities that really NEED a tidy,
> organized space in families that don't have the same needs.
>
>

The irony is, is that I'm the tidier of the two. dh is a pile person.
He doesn't put things away, he just piles them in boxes, on
furniture, etc, as can be seen in his room (which is completely his
own). In the computer room, which we all share, more of the
mess is his mail and band stuff. I am more of a "a place for
everything and everything in it's place" person. It may sound silly,
but I love organizing the house. However, I've changed a lot as I
like the kids to have access to the projects and games that they are
in the middle of. This leads to lots of stuff being on tables and
occassionaly on the floor (usually I leave this to the front room
which is not used by dh).

I've reminded dh about how clean and organized the house was prior to
kids and say that this is where we are right now. We have a very
active 8-yo. that has several projects going at once and a 3.5 yo. who
loves to dump things out and play with 10 things together at a time.
I've tried to work harder on the dishes, but he still isn't satisfied.
I also remind him that no one ever laid on their deathbed and said
"Gee, I wish I had done more dishes or cleaned the floor more often."
If anything, people mention that they didn't spend more time with
their kids. I don't like when I feel like I'm being forced to make a
choice between my kids and housework. Housework will always be there,
but not my kids. They love being with me and are always asking me to
play with them. I don't want to say "no" because of housework
(although I do, and much more often than I feel good about). But my
dh gets so grumpy (right now he's cleaning the counters and griping
about how this should already be done). I tell him that I do need his
help around the house if he wants it a certain way, but I need him to
do it without the griping and snide comments.

I'll keep working at it. I like Pam's idea of getting together the
whole family and determining how to meet everyone's needs. We went
through this process a while ago, but it definitely needs to be revisited.

Thanks!

Marla

Deborah Greenspan

I would explain that I am not as capable in multitasking as he seems to be,
or wants me to be, and since neither he or I have the passion, time, or
skill in this area, I would request a housekeeper once per week minimum.
Making a logical argument usually works. If your husband needs you to site
sources, statistics, or raw data, I'm sure it can be found on the internet.
Dr. Laura might have a word or two, also.

Best,

Deborah

*They are "educated" who have learned much, remembered much,
and make use of their knowledge in everyday life.
And of these lessons integrated into their life,
moral conscience is the most imperative to learn
and convey to others.
Their virtues give true meaning to education.*





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Melynda Laurent

My dh, who supports a lot of what we do (i.e. unschooling, family bed,
extended nursing, etc.) constantly complains about the housework not
being done. I try to remind him that I am busy non-stop all day,
picking up, playing with the kids, making meals, etc. <<<<<<<<<<,


LOL do you live with my dh? His need for order and cleanliness fae
supercedes mine. Everyone gave great advice- what we did was rearrange our
budget and hire a cleaning lady every 3 weeks- eliminates my need to deep
clean and makes the everyday stuff like dishes, bathroom wipe downs and
laundry seem more manageable.

The kids and I make a game of laundry and the older 2 (8 & 12) help with
dishes. Everyone including dh and my 2 yo puts away their own clean laundry
for the most part.

The other thing *I* do- and this is just how I view it, I remind myself that
I would not want his job and the pressures of being responsible for making
enough $$ to support us. I like what I do. That doesn't mean I don't
expect him to do his share, but it helps me not be bitter and rude to him-
make sense?

Melynda
Mom of 6

eviecurley

> My dh, who supports a lot of what we do (i.e. unschooling, family
bed,
> extended nursing, etc.) constantly complains about the housework not
> being done. > LOL do you live with my dh? His need for order and
cleanliness fae
> supercedes mine.
>
> The other thing *I* do- and this is just how I view it, I remind
myself that
> I would not want his job and the pressures of being responsible for
making
> enough $$ to support us. I like what I do. That doesn't mean I
don't
> expect him to do his share, but it helps me not be bitter and rude
to him-
> make sense?
>
> Melynda
> Mom of 6
>

Melynda,
Oh my god! My husband just let me have it about cleanliness last
night!!! I laughed so hard when you asked, "Do you live with my
husband" because yes! I think I do! To be fair to my DH, I was an
incredible slob when we started dating and that was the only thing he
ever said he wished he could change about me. He's VERY neat and I'm
world renowned for my messiness. One time, my sister came over to
help me move from an apt. many, many years ago and when she got a
look at my stuff she began humming the Sanford and Son theme song!
It was hilarious and still makes me chuckle to this day.

As far as what you said regarding his job, I feel the same way that
you do. He has just as many pressures as I do and we're so lucky
that he's able to support us like he does. What you said totally
makes sense to me.

Thank you for sharing this story about yourself! It made me feel so
much better when I read it.

Sincerely,
Evie

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Marla B. <marla@...>

So, my complaint is that he expects me to keep the house clean, but I
want him to realize that the kids are more important than the
housework. And if he wants more housework done, he has to be around
more to help with the housework or play with the kids.

He doesn't feel this is the problem.

-==-=-=-=-=-

What does *HE* think is the problem?




~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


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