Re: Raging kids and Labels
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In a message dated 5/23/2007 6:15:28 AM Eastern Standard Time,
wisdom1133@... writes:
suggestions would be nice from people who HAVE had a raging child and how
they handle it
Figure out the what the child's needs are and ignore the behavior. That has
worked for my frustrated children. Rather than focusing on the rage or
labeling your children raging kids, figure out why they're frustrated enough to
throw the crayons, hit others or whatever it is that you're calling rage.
For those who send their kids to their rooms (or ask their kids who have been
trained to excuse themselves when they lose control), or put them in time out
do you follow up after they've calmed themselves? Do you help figure out
what their unmet needs were that sent them into the rage? If you train yourself
to look for signs and cues before the child becomes enraged you can avoid the
rages and meet the needs before things get thrown or anyone gets hit. I'm not
talking about hypoglycemia, hormones, terrible twos or other excuses people
offer up on behalf of their frustrated kids; I'm talking about not being heard
by the one person who the kid expects to hear them -- their Mommy. I'm talking
about the gumball that big brother got from the neighbor but that 2 year old
Tommy missed out on and he is MAD about the unfairness of it so he's hitting
his brother, his mother and the dog. I'm talking about the teenager who really
wanted to wear the spaghetti strap shirt but the mom refused to let her
because she felt it was inappropriate and the teen has shut herself in her room and
is swearing at her mother and mad at the world over the shirt. Mainstream
parents might address the swearing and the rage, bring Dad in to discuss
parental respect and other BS but ignore the cause. Mindful parents find a solution
whether it be to go shopping for a shirt they both agree is perfect to wear or
discuss why the mother feels spaghetti straps make the child look cheap and
discuss the mother's feelings of insecurity about people thinking she's not
doing a good job because she allows her daughter to dress that way. The part of
this that makes people so uncomfortable is the self exploration that goes
along with being mindful. It's A LOT easier to blame hormones or food allergies
than it is to change ourselves, our expectations and our reactions. My
favorite label is the *fussy* or *colicky* baby. The baby clearly has needs that are
not being met, whether its movement or feeding or whatever the cause, people
(doctors included) label the baby as colicky and therefore give him the excuse
to be crying all the time. People bounce, rock, feed, drive around and do
anything and everything to get the baby to stop crying. That's what we need to
do with teenagers, too. You don't have to try everything with teens though
because they can express themselves orally and usually discuss their problems.
Sometimes we have to help them figure it out and find solutions together and be
really creative like when they were crying babies. The ultimate goal being
to help them stop crying/raging by meeting their needs.
Lastly, we're all hormonal beings throughout our lives so forget about it and
get on with it! Its no excuse to mistreat people or to be mistreated.
Sometimes people just need to vent, too. Why is it okay in our society for adults
to become enraged but kids and teens earn negative labels for doing the same?
Sometimes events (like war) and people (who do stupid stuff) enrage me, and
my husband *tries* to help me find solutions to end my rage. Sometimes he just
reminds me to breathe.
Peacefully,
Robin in Cape Cod, MA, enjoying a house full of hormonal people ages 3 - 43.
************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wisdom1133@... writes:
suggestions would be nice from people who HAVE had a raging child and how
they handle it
Figure out the what the child's needs are and ignore the behavior. That has
worked for my frustrated children. Rather than focusing on the rage or
labeling your children raging kids, figure out why they're frustrated enough to
throw the crayons, hit others or whatever it is that you're calling rage.
For those who send their kids to their rooms (or ask their kids who have been
trained to excuse themselves when they lose control), or put them in time out
do you follow up after they've calmed themselves? Do you help figure out
what their unmet needs were that sent them into the rage? If you train yourself
to look for signs and cues before the child becomes enraged you can avoid the
rages and meet the needs before things get thrown or anyone gets hit. I'm not
talking about hypoglycemia, hormones, terrible twos or other excuses people
offer up on behalf of their frustrated kids; I'm talking about not being heard
by the one person who the kid expects to hear them -- their Mommy. I'm talking
about the gumball that big brother got from the neighbor but that 2 year old
Tommy missed out on and he is MAD about the unfairness of it so he's hitting
his brother, his mother and the dog. I'm talking about the teenager who really
wanted to wear the spaghetti strap shirt but the mom refused to let her
because she felt it was inappropriate and the teen has shut herself in her room and
is swearing at her mother and mad at the world over the shirt. Mainstream
parents might address the swearing and the rage, bring Dad in to discuss
parental respect and other BS but ignore the cause. Mindful parents find a solution
whether it be to go shopping for a shirt they both agree is perfect to wear or
discuss why the mother feels spaghetti straps make the child look cheap and
discuss the mother's feelings of insecurity about people thinking she's not
doing a good job because she allows her daughter to dress that way. The part of
this that makes people so uncomfortable is the self exploration that goes
along with being mindful. It's A LOT easier to blame hormones or food allergies
than it is to change ourselves, our expectations and our reactions. My
favorite label is the *fussy* or *colicky* baby. The baby clearly has needs that are
not being met, whether its movement or feeding or whatever the cause, people
(doctors included) label the baby as colicky and therefore give him the excuse
to be crying all the time. People bounce, rock, feed, drive around and do
anything and everything to get the baby to stop crying. That's what we need to
do with teenagers, too. You don't have to try everything with teens though
because they can express themselves orally and usually discuss their problems.
Sometimes we have to help them figure it out and find solutions together and be
really creative like when they were crying babies. The ultimate goal being
to help them stop crying/raging by meeting their needs.
Lastly, we're all hormonal beings throughout our lives so forget about it and
get on with it! Its no excuse to mistreat people or to be mistreated.
Sometimes people just need to vent, too. Why is it okay in our society for adults
to become enraged but kids and teens earn negative labels for doing the same?
Sometimes events (like war) and people (who do stupid stuff) enrage me, and
my husband *tries* to help me find solutions to end my rage. Sometimes he just
reminds me to breathe.
Peacefully,
Robin in Cape Cod, MA, enjoying a house full of hormonal people ages 3 - 43.
************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
----Original Message-----
From: ohpurple1@...
That's what we need to
do with teenagers, too. You don't have to try everything with teens
though
because they can express themselves orally and usually discuss their
problems.
-=-=-=
Unless they've been shut down when younger. Many teens will *not* talk
to their parents anymore because they know they won't be heard. It's
important when they are younger to take their needs and wants seriously.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free
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From: ohpurple1@...
That's what we need to
do with teenagers, too. You don't have to try everything with teens
though
because they can express themselves orally and usually discuss their
problems.
-=-=-=
Unless they've been shut down when younger. Many teens will *not* talk
to their parents anymore because they know they won't be heard. It's
important when they are younger to take their needs and wants seriously.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free
from AOL at AOL.com.
riasplace3
People bounce, rock, feed, drive around and do
Gotta remember THAT!
I love it!
Ria
> anything and everything to get the baby to stop crying. That's whatwe need to
> do with teenagers, too.Ooooo, I'm printing this one out to hang on my wall!
Gotta remember THAT!
I love it!
Ria