Re: [unschoolingbasics] Freedom Vs. License
Fetteroll
On May 21, 2007, at 2:14 PM, Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:
think in terms of How can I get what I want without imposing on
others, then it's not so much hard as requiring flexibility and
creativity.
As unschooling parents we provide our kids with the freedom to
explore their interests. We aren't handing them the right to do
whatever they please. As we help them explore ways to explore their
interests, part of our help will be respecting the needs of others.
Most of us probably grew up deprived of power. There was a promise
(maybe sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) by our parents that we'd
get our turn to do what we wanted when we grew up but now it was
their turn. (They, too, were victims of the same promise and were
passing it on as a legacy.) The problem was it was a lie. We realize
when we get to be adults that though we have the freedom to do what
we want, we also take on a load of responsibilities which seems to
eat into our freedom*. (We also unconsciously have filled our heads
full of "no" scripts from our parents about things we thought we'd be
able to do when we were grown up: stay up all night, eat ice cream
for breakfast, sing at the dinner table and so on.)
(It helps a lot to see our responsibilities not as chains but as
choices. We *could* drop every single one of our responsibilities at
any point. We *choose* not to. We also choose the level and manner
that we'll perform them. I think it's a very important, helpful --
and freeing :-) -- mental shift.)
Adults can end up feeling like our time belongs to our duties to our
homes and duties to our kids and duties to any other responsibilities
we have. When is it *our* turn -- our turn that was promised to us?
So most adults, as did their parents, end up taking from their kids
to meet their own needs to "do what they want". They want to sing,
they want to watch their TV show, they want to listen to their music
on the radio in the car, tough on the kids. When kids ask for what
feels like an extra burden: drive them to get the newest game release
they've been waiting for, but another toy, go to the waterpark, it
just feels like it's more that's stolen from our non-existent freedom
to "do what we want". So parents retaliate -- though it feels like
self protection -- by saying no.
But we don't need to continue that legacy. We can, as many suggest,
nurture the deprived child in us by giving to our own children what
was denied us. We can stop seeing living as a power struggle to get
what we want and be our children's advocate in getting what they
want. If they feel that someone places great importance on what they
want, if they feel that they will get what they want in a timely
manner, there's no reason to feel the need to step on others to get
it. We're social creatures so we do want to get along with others.
It's just that the natural instinct to cooperate when our own needs
don't feel like they're being met. We can help kids meet *both*
needs: their spoken need and the unspoken need to get along with others.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Sometimes I like to sing, sometimes my dd (almost 4) doesn't want toIf we think in terms of a power struggle then it's hard. But when we
> here me sing- lol! This is a hard one.
think in terms of How can I get what I want without imposing on
others, then it's not so much hard as requiring flexibility and
creativity.
As unschooling parents we provide our kids with the freedom to
explore their interests. We aren't handing them the right to do
whatever they please. As we help them explore ways to explore their
interests, part of our help will be respecting the needs of others.
Most of us probably grew up deprived of power. There was a promise
(maybe sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) by our parents that we'd
get our turn to do what we wanted when we grew up but now it was
their turn. (They, too, were victims of the same promise and were
passing it on as a legacy.) The problem was it was a lie. We realize
when we get to be adults that though we have the freedom to do what
we want, we also take on a load of responsibilities which seems to
eat into our freedom*. (We also unconsciously have filled our heads
full of "no" scripts from our parents about things we thought we'd be
able to do when we were grown up: stay up all night, eat ice cream
for breakfast, sing at the dinner table and so on.)
(It helps a lot to see our responsibilities not as chains but as
choices. We *could* drop every single one of our responsibilities at
any point. We *choose* not to. We also choose the level and manner
that we'll perform them. I think it's a very important, helpful --
and freeing :-) -- mental shift.)
Adults can end up feeling like our time belongs to our duties to our
homes and duties to our kids and duties to any other responsibilities
we have. When is it *our* turn -- our turn that was promised to us?
So most adults, as did their parents, end up taking from their kids
to meet their own needs to "do what they want". They want to sing,
they want to watch their TV show, they want to listen to their music
on the radio in the car, tough on the kids. When kids ask for what
feels like an extra burden: drive them to get the newest game release
they've been waiting for, but another toy, go to the waterpark, it
just feels like it's more that's stolen from our non-existent freedom
to "do what we want". So parents retaliate -- though it feels like
self protection -- by saying no.
But we don't need to continue that legacy. We can, as many suggest,
nurture the deprived child in us by giving to our own children what
was denied us. We can stop seeing living as a power struggle to get
what we want and be our children's advocate in getting what they
want. If they feel that someone places great importance on what they
want, if they feel that they will get what they want in a timely
manner, there's no reason to feel the need to step on others to get
it. We're social creatures so we do want to get along with others.
It's just that the natural instinct to cooperate when our own needs
don't feel like they're being met. We can help kids meet *both*
needs: their spoken need and the unspoken need to get along with others.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
CHRIS CHANDLER
Just a note--I was interested in finding the book you mentioned. The title is "Freedom: Not License!" and can be found used on Amazon for next to nothing. It's quite an old book so I'm sure it's out of print but seems easily available used.
Chris
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Chris
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Erica Iwamura
As unschooling parents we provide our kids with the freedom to
explore their interests. We aren't handing them the right to do
whatever they please. As we help them explore ways to explore their
interests, part of our help will be respecting the needs of others.
Joyce,
I also love this!
Erica
They say I'm Crazy but I Have a Good Time - Joe Walsh
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
explore their interests. We aren't handing them the right to do
whatever they please. As we help them explore ways to explore their
interests, part of our help will be respecting the needs of others.
Joyce,
I also love this!
Erica
>--
>
They say I'm Crazy but I Have a Good Time - Joe Walsh
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]