keeping the peace
Ren
"For me, it's a one time deal. I mean: don't do it again PERIOD. Do your
children understand what you're saying? I don't mean stop just this time and
next
time it's fine. I mean stop being mean to your sibling forever!"
I agree. Although the patterns that siblings display, won't stop after saying stop one time, they need to know you won't accept meanness to anyone in the household...EVER.
If there is meanness, I sit down with the two children having the problem and let them each tell me what is going on. They need to be heard, sometimes away from each other so the other sibling won't interrupt. After that, I try to point out how it could have been handled better....like Trevor getting frustrated with Jared and calling him a name. I accept that he is annoyed, but I don't accept that he couldn't find a better way to handle his frustration.
We talk a lot about putting positive energy out into the universe around here. I tell them there is enough negative energy and we all need to work at filling the world with positive stuff. When someone is being cranky and bringing us all down, I might say "you're bringing a lot of negativity into this room and I don't like it, do you want to go talk?" or "Are you hungry/tired/frustrated about something?" and so on....
I try to help them pinpoint where anger or other emotions are coming from, so they can better read themselves. It takes years of guidance to help some kids understand their own triggers better, but it works. I've noticed that when I start talking about how badly someone's feelings got hurt by his actions, Trevor is way more likely to soften up and apologize now. He's had a lot of anger issues (some were due to our separation a few years ago) and it's taken a LONG time to help him try and deal with frustration in a more positive manner.
As to the Mom with toddler difficulties:
With younger children, I like using distractions. When you know two children are problematic together, you either have to be very, very present (difficult with a new baby in the house) or find things they like doing where they aren't too close physically. If the two year old wants something the four year old has, let them know you'll help them get one at the store, but try to find a distraction in the mean time. Whipped cream or shaving cream sprayed on the table is a great one.
Keeping some new dollar store toys hidden away, to be pulled out during tense moments is another I use.
Interesting foods, music or games are all useful in getting them involved in something where they are interacting with you rather than each other. If you're doing some tactile thing, couldn't they sit on opposite sides of the table?
I think preventing the problems is your best bet right now, they are obviously having a hard time dealing with each other. And they're both socially immature (I don't mean for their age, I just mean toddlers are in general) and need a lot of adult intervention right now.
It's hard and I sympatize. Try not to feel overly stressed when they do start yelling, it's part of their development to handle social problems poorly and need a lot of help. Try to see it as a stage...that's all it is. A stage where they need you a lot, but a temporary stage.
I bet by the time your two year old is close to 4, they'll be playing a lot better together. Jalen is finally becoming a lot more fun for the older kids, and more capable of listening when they say "stop". He's 3.5 and FULL of energy.
And I totally agree about the dynamics of four or more children!! Mine all have almost four years between them, so we have a HUGE spread of interests and needs...sometimes it's a challenge to meet all of them. Luckily, my dh is more available than most Dads and very into being a gentle parent.
Ren
Learn about unschooling at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
children understand what you're saying? I don't mean stop just this time and
next
time it's fine. I mean stop being mean to your sibling forever!"
I agree. Although the patterns that siblings display, won't stop after saying stop one time, they need to know you won't accept meanness to anyone in the household...EVER.
If there is meanness, I sit down with the two children having the problem and let them each tell me what is going on. They need to be heard, sometimes away from each other so the other sibling won't interrupt. After that, I try to point out how it could have been handled better....like Trevor getting frustrated with Jared and calling him a name. I accept that he is annoyed, but I don't accept that he couldn't find a better way to handle his frustration.
We talk a lot about putting positive energy out into the universe around here. I tell them there is enough negative energy and we all need to work at filling the world with positive stuff. When someone is being cranky and bringing us all down, I might say "you're bringing a lot of negativity into this room and I don't like it, do you want to go talk?" or "Are you hungry/tired/frustrated about something?" and so on....
I try to help them pinpoint where anger or other emotions are coming from, so they can better read themselves. It takes years of guidance to help some kids understand their own triggers better, but it works. I've noticed that when I start talking about how badly someone's feelings got hurt by his actions, Trevor is way more likely to soften up and apologize now. He's had a lot of anger issues (some were due to our separation a few years ago) and it's taken a LONG time to help him try and deal with frustration in a more positive manner.
As to the Mom with toddler difficulties:
With younger children, I like using distractions. When you know two children are problematic together, you either have to be very, very present (difficult with a new baby in the house) or find things they like doing where they aren't too close physically. If the two year old wants something the four year old has, let them know you'll help them get one at the store, but try to find a distraction in the mean time. Whipped cream or shaving cream sprayed on the table is a great one.
Keeping some new dollar store toys hidden away, to be pulled out during tense moments is another I use.
Interesting foods, music or games are all useful in getting them involved in something where they are interacting with you rather than each other. If you're doing some tactile thing, couldn't they sit on opposite sides of the table?
I think preventing the problems is your best bet right now, they are obviously having a hard time dealing with each other. And they're both socially immature (I don't mean for their age, I just mean toddlers are in general) and need a lot of adult intervention right now.
It's hard and I sympatize. Try not to feel overly stressed when they do start yelling, it's part of their development to handle social problems poorly and need a lot of help. Try to see it as a stage...that's all it is. A stage where they need you a lot, but a temporary stage.
I bet by the time your two year old is close to 4, they'll be playing a lot better together. Jalen is finally becoming a lot more fun for the older kids, and more capable of listening when they say "stop". He's 3.5 and FULL of energy.
And I totally agree about the dynamics of four or more children!! Mine all have almost four years between them, so we have a HUGE spread of interests and needs...sometimes it's a challenge to meet all of them. Luckily, my dh is more available than most Dads and very into being a gentle parent.
Ren
Learn about unschooling at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
Ren wrote:
"I might say "you're bringing a lot of negativity into this room and I don't
like it, do you want to go talk?" or "Are you hungry/tired/frustrated about
something?" and so on....
I try to help them pinpoint where anger or other emotions are coming from,
so they can better read themselves."
I liked this language a lot and tried something like it yesterday with my
just turning 5 year old niece and it worked SO well. My dd, niece and I
were playing a card game (Dr. Seuss "The Lorax" game) and my niece was
starting to pout and whine and groan about every card she picked up that she
didn't like and also the outcome of the games. I asked if she was feeling
frustrated at the way it was going, she said yes, I empathized for a bit
saying "yes, it's frustrating when you play win/lose games ..." etc. I
suggested that she could ask her cousin to play the game differently
(cooperatively) for a change, she could ask for different rules, she could
ask for us to play a different game, she could take a break and go play with
her other cousin, my son, for a bit ... She insisted, still in that whining,
petulant way, that she wanted to keep on sitting there playing this game. I
told her "Okay, but the way that you're talking and acting is bringing a lot
of negative energy into this space and I don't like it. It's no fun for me
to play with someone who is acting this way. I need you to find a way to
get rid of the negative energy and bring some positive energy to what you
want to do." And she did! And when she got frustrated later on, she
self-selected out to go sit with my son for a bit in the other room and came
back a bit later all by herself with more positive energy.
Thanks, Ren, for giving me some language for that situation that she
responded to so well and that felt empowering to me....
Joan
"I might say "you're bringing a lot of negativity into this room and I don't
like it, do you want to go talk?" or "Are you hungry/tired/frustrated about
something?" and so on....
I try to help them pinpoint where anger or other emotions are coming from,
so they can better read themselves."
I liked this language a lot and tried something like it yesterday with my
just turning 5 year old niece and it worked SO well. My dd, niece and I
were playing a card game (Dr. Seuss "The Lorax" game) and my niece was
starting to pout and whine and groan about every card she picked up that she
didn't like and also the outcome of the games. I asked if she was feeling
frustrated at the way it was going, she said yes, I empathized for a bit
saying "yes, it's frustrating when you play win/lose games ..." etc. I
suggested that she could ask her cousin to play the game differently
(cooperatively) for a change, she could ask for different rules, she could
ask for us to play a different game, she could take a break and go play with
her other cousin, my son, for a bit ... She insisted, still in that whining,
petulant way, that she wanted to keep on sitting there playing this game. I
told her "Okay, but the way that you're talking and acting is bringing a lot
of negative energy into this space and I don't like it. It's no fun for me
to play with someone who is acting this way. I need you to find a way to
get rid of the negative energy and bring some positive energy to what you
want to do." And she did! And when she got frustrated later on, she
self-selected out to go sit with my son for a bit in the other room and came
back a bit later all by herself with more positive energy.
Thanks, Ren, for giving me some language for that situation that she
responded to so well and that felt empowering to me....
Joan
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
For anyone looking for more online resources for positive parenting, I just
found out about a new group called "AP Discipline" that seems fabulous.
Here is a description followed by the link to join.
"Many families begin parenting with an belief in AP tools and values and
yet, over time, as children become more independent, sometimes the parents
feel at a loss, often reacting in ways that are not respectful or nurturing
because they feel they have no options. We have created a supportive
community to explore our options and raise our children- of any age-
consistently with the values we have expressed in attachment parenting in
early childhood.
This group focuses on the area of discipline (from an AP perspective). It is
not a general discussion group for other AP related issues like nursing,
co-sleeping etc- unless those topics overlap in regard to our focus topic.
"Positive Discipline" is one of the 8 ideals of Attachment Parenting (see
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/idealdisc.shtml). Positive, non-violent
methods of discipline and loving guidance promote the development of
self-control and empathy towards others. The word "discipline" means to
teach.
The term "Positive Discipline" describes a wide range of philosophies, and
we draw from many of those (e.g., the work of Jane Nelsen, Becky Bailey,
Lawrence Cohen, Thomas Gordon, and Marshall Rosenberg). All of these share
a focus on respectful, non-punitive discipline with a connection-based
model, as opposed to a behavioral training model in their approach to
children's behavior. (As an interesting side note, although Dr. Sears
coined the term Attachment Parenting, his book, "The Discipline Book", is
only partially positive and has punitive parts to it, so that is not one of
our base philosophies).
Our goal is to develop and maintain a strong, healthy connection with our
children as our basis for discipline. Therefore, this list supports only
non-punitive discipline tools. Punishment is defined as "Any pain,
suffering, or loss inflicted on a person because of a crime or offense."
Inflicting or threatening to inflict these is punitive. We do not believe in
hitting or spanking children, contrived consequences, or forced isolation.
Most of us have reflexively used some form of punitive discipline when we
are low on resources. We are all on this learning path together. However,
we do not believe punitive discipline is an ideal way to parent effectively,
and justification or proposing of these methods will not be tolerated."
To join, go to
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AP-Discipline/
Joan
found out about a new group called "AP Discipline" that seems fabulous.
Here is a description followed by the link to join.
"Many families begin parenting with an belief in AP tools and values and
yet, over time, as children become more independent, sometimes the parents
feel at a loss, often reacting in ways that are not respectful or nurturing
because they feel they have no options. We have created a supportive
community to explore our options and raise our children- of any age-
consistently with the values we have expressed in attachment parenting in
early childhood.
This group focuses on the area of discipline (from an AP perspective). It is
not a general discussion group for other AP related issues like nursing,
co-sleeping etc- unless those topics overlap in regard to our focus topic.
"Positive Discipline" is one of the 8 ideals of Attachment Parenting (see
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/idealdisc.shtml). Positive, non-violent
methods of discipline and loving guidance promote the development of
self-control and empathy towards others. The word "discipline" means to
teach.
The term "Positive Discipline" describes a wide range of philosophies, and
we draw from many of those (e.g., the work of Jane Nelsen, Becky Bailey,
Lawrence Cohen, Thomas Gordon, and Marshall Rosenberg). All of these share
a focus on respectful, non-punitive discipline with a connection-based
model, as opposed to a behavioral training model in their approach to
children's behavior. (As an interesting side note, although Dr. Sears
coined the term Attachment Parenting, his book, "The Discipline Book", is
only partially positive and has punitive parts to it, so that is not one of
our base philosophies).
Our goal is to develop and maintain a strong, healthy connection with our
children as our basis for discipline. Therefore, this list supports only
non-punitive discipline tools. Punishment is defined as "Any pain,
suffering, or loss inflicted on a person because of a crime or offense."
Inflicting or threatening to inflict these is punitive. We do not believe in
hitting or spanking children, contrived consequences, or forced isolation.
Most of us have reflexively used some form of punitive discipline when we
are low on resources. We are all on this learning path together. However,
we do not believe punitive discipline is an ideal way to parent effectively,
and justification or proposing of these methods will not be tolerated."
To join, go to
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AP-Discipline/
Joan
Ren
"Thanks, Ren, for giving me some language for that situation that she
responded to so well and that felt empowering to me...."
Wow, glad that worked out so well.
The language I wrote in that post was something I've used for the older kids usually. With the youngers, I tend to be a bit more straightforward "I don't like the way you're talking to me, I can help you better if you just talk instead of _____________"(whatever they're doing that is bothering me).
They all hear me talk about negative/positive energy though...so it's really all the same. I'm glad she responded well to it.
Ren
Learn about unschooling at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
responded to so well and that felt empowering to me...."
Wow, glad that worked out so well.
The language I wrote in that post was something I've used for the older kids usually. With the youngers, I tend to be a bit more straightforward "I don't like the way you're talking to me, I can help you better if you just talk instead of _____________"(whatever they're doing that is bothering me).
They all hear me talk about negative/positive energy though...so it's really all the same. I'm glad she responded well to it.
Ren
Learn about unschooling at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/