question about kids watching the news
Lisa Blocker
My son who is 5 turning 6 later this summer has suddenly developed an interest in the news. I am sure it stems from the constant conversations his father and I have that begin with "I saw on the news...." or "did you see the news ?" At any rate he has been watching the news on television.... we don't limit tv or what they watch really ... typically they decide what they find too scary or too rude etc and make good choices. I have 3 older kids ages 12, 14 and almost 17 so the little one has been exposed to more mature subject matter most of his life... he LOVES Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars and the like whereas my older kids would have been terrified of the same movies at the same age (different temperaments and because they were all little and I was controlling the tv they only watch "age appropriate" shows... BLECH!) Anyway my fear (and I know this is MY issue not his) is that he will see something that will really scare him or make him feel
unsafe in the world.... I am trying hard to trust him that he will turn it off if he finds it scary like he will with other shows and I do know that I am usually nearby and can explain things or comfort him etc if he needs it. Is my former coercive parent showing?? Dh and I have always watched the news in our bedroom because our 12 yr old is very sensitive (has various special needs) and gets very upset if she sees scary things on tv...she refuses to discuss it so it's just been better to keep things out of her view. Now my 5 yr old has the daily news on our living room wide screen in high definition! Do I just trust him on this , do I try to convince him to only watch if I can be right there to help, is this just a phase that I need to not panic about?? I will say that my 5 yr old is a very compassionate "fixer" ....our 12 yr old recently has a serious surgery and he's been working out a plan ever since to explain to the surgeon how he could have done the
surgery without such a big incision and causing less pain to his sister. (this is the sister that he is constantly at war with to boot so he is showing the ability to be VERY forgiving!)
Thanks!
Lisa Blocker (unschooly mom to 4 kiddos, 3 cats and 1 leopard gecko)
____________________________________________________________________________________Sick sense of humor? Visit Yahoo! TV's
Comedy with an Edge to see what's on, when.
http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/222
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
unsafe in the world.... I am trying hard to trust him that he will turn it off if he finds it scary like he will with other shows and I do know that I am usually nearby and can explain things or comfort him etc if he needs it. Is my former coercive parent showing?? Dh and I have always watched the news in our bedroom because our 12 yr old is very sensitive (has various special needs) and gets very upset if she sees scary things on tv...she refuses to discuss it so it's just been better to keep things out of her view. Now my 5 yr old has the daily news on our living room wide screen in high definition! Do I just trust him on this , do I try to convince him to only watch if I can be right there to help, is this just a phase that I need to not panic about?? I will say that my 5 yr old is a very compassionate "fixer" ....our 12 yr old recently has a serious surgery and he's been working out a plan ever since to explain to the surgeon how he could have done the
surgery without such a big incision and causing less pain to his sister. (this is the sister that he is constantly at war with to boot so he is showing the ability to be VERY forgiving!)
Thanks!
Lisa Blocker (unschooly mom to 4 kiddos, 3 cats and 1 leopard gecko)
____________________________________________________________________________________Sick sense of humor? Visit Yahoo! TV's
Comedy with an Edge to see what's on, when.
http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/222
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Hampton
I think we think that kids hear or see the same things we see on tv and that may not be true. Your son will probably not understand all he sees the same way you do and therefore not get scared. I always ask my daughter who is 4 and sees CSI on with dad "what is happening?" that way she can describe it to me in her own words and understanding. Then I can gauge whether or not we need to talk about it. I usually say something like "that is not a nice thing to do". Julie H
----- Original Message -----
From: Lisa Blocker<mailto:jlblock01@...>
To: [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 12, 2007 8:06 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] question about kids watching the news
My son who is 5 turning 6 later this summer has suddenly developed an interest in the news. I am sure it stems from the constant conversations his father and I have that begin with "I saw on the news...." or "did you see the news ?" At any rate he has been watching the news on television.... we don't limit tv or what they watch really ... typically they decide what they find too scary or too rude etc and make good choices. I have 3 older kids ages 12, 14 and almost 17 so the little one has been exposed to more mature subject matter most of his life... he LOVES Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars and the like whereas my older kids would have been terrified of the same movies at the same age (different temperaments and because they were all little and I was controlling the tv they only watch "age appropriate" shows... BLECH!) Anyway my fear (and I know this is MY issue not his) is that he will see something that will really scare him or make him feel
unsafe in the world.... I am trying hard to trust him that he will turn it off if he finds it scary like he will with other shows and I do know that I am usually nearby and can explain things or comfort him etc if he needs it. Is my former coercive parent showing?? Dh and I have always watched the news in our bedroom because our 12 yr old is very sensitive (has various special needs) and gets very upset if she sees scary things on tv...she refuses to discuss it so it's just been better to keep things out of her view. Now my 5 yr old has the daily news on our living room wide screen in high definition! Do I just trust him on this , do I try to convince him to only watch if I can be right there to help, is this just a phase that I need to not panic about?? I will say that my 5 yr old is a very compassionate "fixer" ....our 12 yr old recently has a serious surgery and he's been working out a plan ever since to explain to the surgeon how he could have done the
surgery without such a big incision and causing less pain to his sister. (this is the sister that he is constantly at war with to boot so he is showing the ability to be VERY forgiving!)
Thanks!
Lisa Blocker (unschooly mom to 4 kiddos, 3 cats and 1 leopard gecko)
__________________________________________________________Sick sense of humor? Visit Yahoo! TV's
Comedy with an Edge to see what's on, when.
http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/222<http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/222>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
thehomeopathicway
My dd is 9 and when we are watching something on TV that is bloody or
exceptionally gross, she tells me to look away and when it's over she
tells me it's ok to look again. I can't stand to see those things.
I also can't stand violence, so I don't watch it. My dd doesn't have
this issue and so she can watch it with very little reaction. When
something on TV upsets her, she walks away from it. For instance, sex
on the screen bothers her. Many shows on prime time now have very
graphic sex scenes and she will walk out when they come on. (and I
only have basic cable)
The point is that I think kids are a pretty good judge of what they
are ok with. I think that they decide all day long what they want to
take in and what they don't.
I have always watched the news at night and sometimes I have to turn
it off because I can't watch it and sometimes the kids ask me to turn
it off because they want some peace.
I wouldn't worry about your ds. If it bothers him to see the news,
he will probably walk away from it.
in peace,
Dianna
.com>
constant conversations his father and I have that begin with "I saw
on the news...." or "did you see the news ?" At any rate he has been
watching the news on television.... we don't limit tv or what they
watch really ... typically they decide what they find too scary or
too rude etc and make good choices. I have 3 older kids ages 12, 14
and almost 17 so the little one has been exposed to more mature
subject matter most of his life... he LOVES Lord of the Rings, Harry
Potter, Star Wars and the like whereas my older kids would have been
terrified of the same movies at the same age (different temperaments
and because they were all little and I was controlling the tv they
only watch "age appropriate" shows... BLECH!) Anyway my fear (and I
know this is MY issue not his) is that he will see something that
will really scare him or make him feel
and I do know that I am usually nearby and can explain things or
comfort him etc if he needs it. Is my former coercive parent
showing?? Dh and I have always watched the news in our bedroom
because our 12 yr old is very sensitive (has various special needs)
and gets very upset if she sees scary things on tv...she refuses to
discuss it so it's just been better to keep things out of her view.
Now my 5 yr old has the daily news on our living room wide screen in
high definition! Do I just trust him on this , do I try to convince
him to only watch if I can be right there to help, is this just a
phase that I need to not panic about?? I will say that my 5 yr old is
a very compassionate "fixer" ....our 12 yr old recently has a serious
surgery and he's been working out a plan ever since to explain to the
surgeon how he could have done the
so he is showing the ability to be VERY forgiving!)
2>
exceptionally gross, she tells me to look away and when it's over she
tells me it's ok to look again. I can't stand to see those things.
I also can't stand violence, so I don't watch it. My dd doesn't have
this issue and so she can watch it with very little reaction. When
something on TV upsets her, she walks away from it. For instance, sex
on the screen bothers her. Many shows on prime time now have very
graphic sex scenes and she will walk out when they come on. (and I
only have basic cable)
The point is that I think kids are a pretty good judge of what they
are ok with. I think that they decide all day long what they want to
take in and what they don't.
I have always watched the news at night and sometimes I have to turn
it off because I can't watch it and sometimes the kids ask me to turn
it off because they want some peace.
I wouldn't worry about your ds. If it bothers him to see the news,
he will probably walk away from it.
in peace,
Dianna
> ----- Original Message -----[email protected]<mailto:unschoolingbasics@yahoogroups
> From: Lisa Blocker<mailto:jlblock01@...>
> To:
.com>
> Sent: Saturday, May 12, 2007 8:06 AMdeveloped an interest in the news. I am sure it stems from the
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] question about kids watching the news
>
>
> My son who is 5 turning 6 later this summer has suddenly
constant conversations his father and I have that begin with "I saw
on the news...." or "did you see the news ?" At any rate he has been
watching the news on television.... we don't limit tv or what they
watch really ... typically they decide what they find too scary or
too rude etc and make good choices. I have 3 older kids ages 12, 14
and almost 17 so the little one has been exposed to more mature
subject matter most of his life... he LOVES Lord of the Rings, Harry
Potter, Star Wars and the like whereas my older kids would have been
terrified of the same movies at the same age (different temperaments
and because they were all little and I was controlling the tv they
only watch "age appropriate" shows... BLECH!) Anyway my fear (and I
know this is MY issue not his) is that he will see something that
will really scare him or make him feel
> unsafe in the world.... I am trying hard to trust him that hewill turn it off if he finds it scary like he will with other shows
and I do know that I am usually nearby and can explain things or
comfort him etc if he needs it. Is my former coercive parent
showing?? Dh and I have always watched the news in our bedroom
because our 12 yr old is very sensitive (has various special needs)
and gets very upset if she sees scary things on tv...she refuses to
discuss it so it's just been better to keep things out of her view.
Now my 5 yr old has the daily news on our living room wide screen in
high definition! Do I just trust him on this , do I try to convince
him to only watch if I can be right there to help, is this just a
phase that I need to not panic about?? I will say that my 5 yr old is
a very compassionate "fixer" ....our 12 yr old recently has a serious
surgery and he's been working out a plan ever since to explain to the
surgeon how he could have done the
> surgery without such a big incision and causing less pain to hissister. (this is the sister that he is constantly at war with to boot
so he is showing the ability to be VERY forgiving!)
> Thanks!gecko)
> Lisa Blocker (unschooly mom to 4 kiddos, 3 cats and 1 leopard
>sense of humor? Visit Yahoo! TV's
> __________________________________________________________Sick
> Comedy with an Edge to see what's on, when.http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/222<http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/22
>
2>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Nance Confer
Sounds great to me.
Maybe, along with reading about issues online and reading the newspaper
and discussing things with you and your DH and other family and friends,
he will become an informed citizen. There is a lot going on in the world
and a lot of it can be upsetting. But it seems to me the kids do
self-edit and take in what they are ready for -- heck, I do that
myself :) -- and then they get a dollop of my politics and DH's and we
have good talks.
Nance
On Sun, 2007-05-13 at 07:48 +0000, [email protected]
wrote:
Maybe, along with reading about issues online and reading the newspaper
and discussing things with you and your DH and other family and friends,
he will become an informed citizen. There is a lot going on in the world
and a lot of it can be upsetting. But it seems to me the kids do
self-edit and take in what they are ready for -- heck, I do that
myself :) -- and then they get a dollop of my politics and DH's and we
have good talks.
Nance
On Sun, 2007-05-13 at 07:48 +0000, [email protected]
wrote:
>
> My son who is 5 turning 6 later this summer has suddenly developed an
> interest in the news. I am sure it stems from the constant
> conversations his father and I have that begin with "I saw on the
> news...." or "did you see the news ?" At any rate he has been watching
> the news on television.
Fetteroll
On May 15, 2007, at 1:44 AM, Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:
parents should be *with* their kids, being aware of what they're
seeing, open to discussing whatever comes up.
We don't necessarily need to sit next to them, but we can be in the
same room with them so we know what's going on in their lives.
That's totally different than conventional parents sending their kids
off to do whatever they want so the parents can do family maintenance
without the kids bothering them.
Joyce
> I may have looked fine on the outside watching theThe piece of the puzzle that you're missing is that unschooling
> movie but inside my heart was beating fast, my pulse racing. My
> mother was none the wiser to the toll it was taking on me.
parents should be *with* their kids, being aware of what they're
seeing, open to discussing whatever comes up.
We don't necessarily need to sit next to them, but we can be in the
same room with them so we know what's going on in their lives.
That's totally different than conventional parents sending their kids
off to do whatever they want so the parents can do family maintenance
without the kids bothering them.
Joyce
Fetteroll
On May 15, 2007, at 1:44 AM, Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:
We shouldn't be parenting without thinking. We *shouldn't* be
mindlessly turning on what we want without thought to what our
children want.
A parent should be aware if a child is more likely to go with the
flow to be with a parent than to speak up and say "I don't want to
watch that." We shouldn't be putting kids in that position.
Conventional parenting is about making the family run smoothly. So
kids who don't complain is a good thing!
But mindful parenting is about connecting with everyone. Silence
should be an alarm bell that we haven't checked in recently ;-) It's
a very different mindset!
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> However, do we really think that a murder scene on TV is what ourSorry, didn't scroll down far enough.
> young children want to see, or is it simply wanting to be close to a
> parent who is watching such a show that they really want?
We shouldn't be parenting without thinking. We *shouldn't* be
mindlessly turning on what we want without thought to what our
children want.
A parent should be aware if a child is more likely to go with the
flow to be with a parent than to speak up and say "I don't want to
watch that." We shouldn't be putting kids in that position.
Conventional parenting is about making the family run smoothly. So
kids who don't complain is a good thing!
But mindful parenting is about connecting with everyone. Silence
should be an alarm bell that we haven't checked in recently ;-) It's
a very different mindset!
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie
I think the key here was that you watched what she watched and she was
not watching it with you. My sister has a similar story and the same
effects later in life but my mother never discussed or talked about
what was happening or even asked what we thought or felt. many times
when my 4 yr old daughter sees something disturbing to me I ask
her "what is happening" so I can clarify what she sees and then ask
her questions or explain. Sometimes I ask- should we change this or do
you want me to find a different show to watch- Julie H
--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen <carebear-
79@...> wrote:
not watching it with you. My sister has a similar story and the same
effects later in life but my mother never discussed or talked about
what was happening or even asked what we thought or felt. many times
when my 4 yr old daughter sees something disturbing to me I ask
her "what is happening" so I can clarify what she sees and then ask
her questions or explain. Sometimes I ask- should we change this or do
you want me to find a different show to watch- Julie H
--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen <carebear-
79@...> wrote:
>ago
> I don't post much here but I wanted to jump in on this thread.
> Growing up my parents let me watch whatever I wanted. Anything on
> TV, movies with violence, sex, gore you name it. They never
> censored what I watched. My entire life up until about two years
> I agreed with this line of thinking. I was certain that my mom madeI
> it clear what was reality vs. what was fantasy. I grew up thinking
Deb Rogers
Kendrah,
I have to share that I agree wholeheartedly with your
posting. My youngest is incredibly sensitive to what
he views and yet he would expose himself to things
that would terrify him and affect his ability to feel
safe - just to try and 'keep up' with his older
siblings. I have found that after he watches something
that was too much he will actually appear fragile and
somehow smaller and will be very clingy to me - and
this is a very independent 7yr old I'm talking about.
I feel strongly that it is my sacred job to protect
him from that which will harm his spirit. It is my job
to nurture him - not inoculate him against violence
and degradation of humanity. That will come soon
enough in this culture.
Thanks for sharing.
Deb
I don't post much here but I wanted to jump in on this
thread.
Growing up my parents let me watch whatever I wanted.
Anything on
TV, movies with violence, sex, gore you name it. They
never
censored what I watched. My entire life up until about
two years ago
I agreed with this line of thinking. I was certain
that my mom made
it clear what was reality vs. what was fantasy. I grew
up thinking I
had no adverse effects from the programming I was
watching. For about
5 years in my childhood I can remember having an
overwhelming,
irrational fear of being abducted. As a child I didn't
seem to
connect that during this period I was watching those
NBC, ABC, CBS
Sunday night movies with my mom frequently. As an
adult the only ones
I can remember watching are those that were about
kidnappings. I know
they had a tremendous effect on me. If I did exit the
room because I
couldn't keep watching I had already passed the point
of what I was
able to process. I may have looked fine on the outside
watching the
movie but inside my heart was beating fast, my pulse
racing. My
mother was none the wiser to the toll it was taking on
me. It took a
very long time before I opened up to my mom about my
fears. This is
one example of many I could give. I guess I just don't
agree with the
line of thinking that what our children watch on TV
doesn't have an
affect on them. I really do believe in self-regulation
for children,
but with TV I'm not so sure. I think it's influence is
much more
powerful than we give it credit for. I do think
children take in what
they watch and absorb it. They may not understand as
we adults do and
how they process it may be even worse than we think.
I should clarify that I am not against television for
religious
reasons, as I get asked that a lot. It purely from my
experience with
it. I feel like I was absorbing way more than I was
ready for at a
young age. I do not see any benefit to television. I
don't have a
television in my home. It certainly wouldn't be fair
to tell my
children they couldn't watch tv while I did, so I've
gotten rid of it
altogether. Therefore (at least for the time being)
eliminating the
hassle it seems to cause. I don't have to worry about
what they
watch, because it's not simply not an option without a
TV in the
house. I want my children (at least in their younger
years) to grow
up with a reverence for the world.
I realize that unschooling is about giving our
children access to
what they love. I really do. I understand it is about
connection &
sharing. I understand that forbidding something makes
it even worse.
However, do we really think that a murder scene on TV
is what our
young children want to see, or is it simply wanting to
be close to a
parent who is watching such a show that they really
want? Is wanting
to be part of the conversation between mom & dad what
they want, as
opposed to watching the news itself? Am I alone here?
Is their anyone
out there that has similar feelings? I'm sure I'm
going to get flack
for this post. Really, I'm giving my thoughts most
sincerely. I'm
curious to know if others feel this way, and if not
what is the
reasoning?
Thanks,
Kendrah
"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." ~Albert Pine
____________________________________________________________________________________Yahoo! oneSearch: Finally, mobile search
that gives answers, not web links.
http://mobile.yahoo.com/mobileweb/onesearch?refer=1ONXIC
I have to share that I agree wholeheartedly with your
posting. My youngest is incredibly sensitive to what
he views and yet he would expose himself to things
that would terrify him and affect his ability to feel
safe - just to try and 'keep up' with his older
siblings. I have found that after he watches something
that was too much he will actually appear fragile and
somehow smaller and will be very clingy to me - and
this is a very independent 7yr old I'm talking about.
I feel strongly that it is my sacred job to protect
him from that which will harm his spirit. It is my job
to nurture him - not inoculate him against violence
and degradation of humanity. That will come soon
enough in this culture.
Thanks for sharing.
Deb
I don't post much here but I wanted to jump in on this
thread.
Growing up my parents let me watch whatever I wanted.
Anything on
TV, movies with violence, sex, gore you name it. They
never
censored what I watched. My entire life up until about
two years ago
I agreed with this line of thinking. I was certain
that my mom made
it clear what was reality vs. what was fantasy. I grew
up thinking I
had no adverse effects from the programming I was
watching. For about
5 years in my childhood I can remember having an
overwhelming,
irrational fear of being abducted. As a child I didn't
seem to
connect that during this period I was watching those
NBC, ABC, CBS
Sunday night movies with my mom frequently. As an
adult the only ones
I can remember watching are those that were about
kidnappings. I know
they had a tremendous effect on me. If I did exit the
room because I
couldn't keep watching I had already passed the point
of what I was
able to process. I may have looked fine on the outside
watching the
movie but inside my heart was beating fast, my pulse
racing. My
mother was none the wiser to the toll it was taking on
me. It took a
very long time before I opened up to my mom about my
fears. This is
one example of many I could give. I guess I just don't
agree with the
line of thinking that what our children watch on TV
doesn't have an
affect on them. I really do believe in self-regulation
for children,
but with TV I'm not so sure. I think it's influence is
much more
powerful than we give it credit for. I do think
children take in what
they watch and absorb it. They may not understand as
we adults do and
how they process it may be even worse than we think.
I should clarify that I am not against television for
religious
reasons, as I get asked that a lot. It purely from my
experience with
it. I feel like I was absorbing way more than I was
ready for at a
young age. I do not see any benefit to television. I
don't have a
television in my home. It certainly wouldn't be fair
to tell my
children they couldn't watch tv while I did, so I've
gotten rid of it
altogether. Therefore (at least for the time being)
eliminating the
hassle it seems to cause. I don't have to worry about
what they
watch, because it's not simply not an option without a
TV in the
house. I want my children (at least in their younger
years) to grow
up with a reverence for the world.
I realize that unschooling is about giving our
children access to
what they love. I really do. I understand it is about
connection &
sharing. I understand that forbidding something makes
it even worse.
However, do we really think that a murder scene on TV
is what our
young children want to see, or is it simply wanting to
be close to a
parent who is watching such a show that they really
want? Is wanting
to be part of the conversation between mom & dad what
they want, as
opposed to watching the news itself? Am I alone here?
Is their anyone
out there that has similar feelings? I'm sure I'm
going to get flack
for this post. Really, I'm giving my thoughts most
sincerely. I'm
curious to know if others feel this way, and if not
what is the
reasoning?
Thanks,
Kendrah
"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." ~Albert Pine
____________________________________________________________________________________Yahoo! oneSearch: Finally, mobile search
that gives answers, not web links.
http://mobile.yahoo.com/mobileweb/onesearch?refer=1ONXIC
Ren Allen
~~
I feel strongly that it is my sacred job to protect
him from that which will harm his spirit. ~~
Of course. But there are ways to do that without imposing your own
will over your child's preferences. There are ways to build
relationships of trust where a child knows that you are sharing your
concern, without trying to control them. There are ways to guide
without limiting.
Yes there are limits in our lives. There are physical
limits....getting too tired, full bladders, hunger etc... there are
limits of budget and time constraints and all sorts of real life
limits. Limits exist without any effort at all. Yet they don't have to
be viewed as limits, just challenges to be navigated.
When the various members of a family are all concerned with helping
each other and/or finding creative ways to meet all the needs, the
dynamic is very different. I've had my children watch things I
thought might bother them, but instead of insisting they not watch, I
explain why it might bother them. Because I'm there with them, helping
them navigate the situation, they are receptive to options like
covering their eyes, fast forwarding a movie, pausing to discuss etc...
No, I don't tell them they aren't allowed to watch things, and because
of that they are VERY willing to say "ok, enough...I don't like this"
when it's too much.
Just last month on our way to FLT we stopped overnight at a friends
house. The teens were watching a pretty violent zombie movie and Jalen
just wanted to be part of the group. I explained the parts I was
concerned about and we sat together to watch...so he had an out if
needed. After about 15 minutes he said "this is a stupid movie" and
got up.
I took him outside and we chased chickens and swung on the porch
together until the movie was over. He needed to know there was a fun
option if he left the group activity. He needed to know I was
concerned but also trusted his choices.
I've stopped movies and said "I'm very worried this is going to bother
you, how can we handle this" at times. Because sometimes (esp. Jalen)
they get "stuck" and really don't want to do the activity but don't
know how to transition. YES, kids need guidance. Yes, they need a
concerned, caring, loving parent with them to navigate.
It's really hard to describe how these things work WITHOUT control,
but without negligence either. When a child is looked upon as a whole
person, with preferences that are just as important as the parents,
then solutions can be found within a very different framework.
Like I said, Unschooling blossoms in that place where a parent is not
limiting, nor are they ignoring. It's a completely different way to
parent. Not permissive, not punitive......totally different. My
children' have the right to choose their lives. That doesn't mean they
are prepared to handle all of life's choices all at once. But having
us beside them to help, is different than controlling their choices.
There are some limits I DO set. But those have to do with safety in
the moment or someone elses peace. And the limit is only there to stop
the activity long enough to come up with solutions that work for
everyone (hitting each other isn't what they really want).
Limits exist, I just don't try to create more. I try to show them ways
to break past limits in a positive way.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
I feel strongly that it is my sacred job to protect
him from that which will harm his spirit. ~~
Of course. But there are ways to do that without imposing your own
will over your child's preferences. There are ways to build
relationships of trust where a child knows that you are sharing your
concern, without trying to control them. There are ways to guide
without limiting.
Yes there are limits in our lives. There are physical
limits....getting too tired, full bladders, hunger etc... there are
limits of budget and time constraints and all sorts of real life
limits. Limits exist without any effort at all. Yet they don't have to
be viewed as limits, just challenges to be navigated.
When the various members of a family are all concerned with helping
each other and/or finding creative ways to meet all the needs, the
dynamic is very different. I've had my children watch things I
thought might bother them, but instead of insisting they not watch, I
explain why it might bother them. Because I'm there with them, helping
them navigate the situation, they are receptive to options like
covering their eyes, fast forwarding a movie, pausing to discuss etc...
No, I don't tell them they aren't allowed to watch things, and because
of that they are VERY willing to say "ok, enough...I don't like this"
when it's too much.
Just last month on our way to FLT we stopped overnight at a friends
house. The teens were watching a pretty violent zombie movie and Jalen
just wanted to be part of the group. I explained the parts I was
concerned about and we sat together to watch...so he had an out if
needed. After about 15 minutes he said "this is a stupid movie" and
got up.
I took him outside and we chased chickens and swung on the porch
together until the movie was over. He needed to know there was a fun
option if he left the group activity. He needed to know I was
concerned but also trusted his choices.
I've stopped movies and said "I'm very worried this is going to bother
you, how can we handle this" at times. Because sometimes (esp. Jalen)
they get "stuck" and really don't want to do the activity but don't
know how to transition. YES, kids need guidance. Yes, they need a
concerned, caring, loving parent with them to navigate.
It's really hard to describe how these things work WITHOUT control,
but without negligence either. When a child is looked upon as a whole
person, with preferences that are just as important as the parents,
then solutions can be found within a very different framework.
Like I said, Unschooling blossoms in that place where a parent is not
limiting, nor are they ignoring. It's a completely different way to
parent. Not permissive, not punitive......totally different. My
children' have the right to choose their lives. That doesn't mean they
are prepared to handle all of life's choices all at once. But having
us beside them to help, is different than controlling their choices.
There are some limits I DO set. But those have to do with safety in
the moment or someone elses peace. And the limit is only there to stop
the activity long enough to come up with solutions that work for
everyone (hitting each other isn't what they really want).
Limits exist, I just don't try to create more. I try to show them ways
to break past limits in a positive way.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Chris and Kelli Bailey
i have the same issue to deal with here. my son age 8
watches several hours of tv daily. his brother age 5
doesn't really care for most tv but wants to be with
his brother all the time. it can be pretty exhausting
providing alternative options for son age 5 while also
meeting the needs of daughter age 2. also i am 5
months pregnant and preparing for a move out of state
in 2 weeks.
i consider this a temporary imbalance in the normal
flow of our days. it wouldn't an issue if we didn't
have the move coming up, which is placing time
constraints on my husband and me. i would be
interested to hear suggestions for helping son age 5.
he is very independent in his actions but also
requires constant social interaction.
any wise parents of multiple children have "emergency"
strategies?
thanks!
kelli
--- Deb Rogers <nwdeb@...> wrote:
http://new.toolbar.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/norton/index.php
watches several hours of tv daily. his brother age 5
doesn't really care for most tv but wants to be with
his brother all the time. it can be pretty exhausting
providing alternative options for son age 5 while also
meeting the needs of daughter age 2. also i am 5
months pregnant and preparing for a move out of state
in 2 weeks.
i consider this a temporary imbalance in the normal
flow of our days. it wouldn't an issue if we didn't
have the move coming up, which is placing time
constraints on my husband and me. i would be
interested to hear suggestions for helping son age 5.
he is very independent in his actions but also
requires constant social interaction.
any wise parents of multiple children have "emergency"
strategies?
thanks!
kelli
--- Deb Rogers <nwdeb@...> wrote:
> My youngest is incredibly sensitive to what____________________________________________________________________________________Get the free Yahoo! toolbar and rest assured with the added security of spyware protection.
> he views and yet he would expose himself to things
> that would terrify him and affect his ability to
> feel
> safe - just to try and 'keep up' with his older
> siblings.
http://new.toolbar.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/norton/index.php
Deb Rogers
Ren,
Thank you for this very thoughtful and thorough
response.
Blessings,
Deb
~~
I feel strongly that it is my sacred job to protect
him from that which will harm his spirit. ~~
Of course. But there are ways to do that without
imposing your own
will over your child's preferences. There are ways to
build
relationships of trust where a child knows that you
are sharing your
concern, without trying to control them. There are
ways to guide
without limiting.
Yes there are limits in our lives. There are physical
limits....getting too tired, full bladders, hunger
etc... there are
limits of budget and time constraints and all sorts of
real life
limits. Limits exist without any effort at all. Yet
they don't have to
be viewed as limits, just challenges to be navigated.
When the various members of a family are all concerned
with helping
each other and/or finding creative ways to meet all
the needs, the
dynamic is very different. I've had my children watch
things I
thought might bother them, but instead of insisting
they not watch, I
explain why it might bother them. Because I'm there
with them, helping
them navigate the situation, they are receptive to
options like
covering their eyes, fast forwarding a movie, pausing
to discuss etc...
No, I don't tell them they aren't allowed to watch
things, and because
of that they are VERY willing to say "ok, enough...I
don't like this"
when it's too much.
Just last month on our way to FLT we stopped overnight
at a friends
house. The teens were watching a pretty violent zombie
movie and Jalen
just wanted to be part of the group. I explained the
parts I was
concerned about and we sat together to watch...so he
had an out if
needed. After about 15 minutes he said "this is a
stupid movie" and
got up.
I took him outside and we chased chickens and swung on
the porch
together until the movie was over. He needed to know
there was a fun
option if he left the group activity. He needed to
know I was
concerned but also trusted his choices.
I've stopped movies and said "I'm very worried this is
going to bother
you, how can we handle this" at times. Because
sometimes (esp. Jalen)
they get "stuck" and really don't want to do the
activity but don't
know how to transition. YES, kids need guidance. Yes,
they need a
concerned, caring, loving parent with them to
navigate.
It's really hard to describe how these things work
WITHOUT control,
but without negligence either. When a child is looked
upon as a whole
person, with preferences that are just as important as
the parents,
then solutions can be found within a very different
framework.
Like I said, Unschooling blossoms in that place where
a parent is not
limiting, nor are they ignoring. It's a completely
different way to
parent. Not permissive, not punitive.... ..totally
different. My
children' have the right to choose their lives. That
doesn't mean they
are prepared to handle all of life's choices all at
once. But having
us beside them to help, is different than controlling
their choices.
There are some limits I DO set. But those have to do
with safety in
the moment or someone elses peace. And the limit is
only there to stop
the activity long enough to come up with solutions
that work for
everyone (hitting each other isn't what they really
want).
Limits exist, I just don't try to create more. I try
to show them ways
to break past limits in a positive way.
Ren
learninginfreedom. com
"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." ~Albert Pine
____________________________________________________________________________________
Never miss an email again!
Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives.
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/
Thank you for this very thoughtful and thorough
response.
Blessings,
Deb
~~
I feel strongly that it is my sacred job to protect
him from that which will harm his spirit. ~~
Of course. But there are ways to do that without
imposing your own
will over your child's preferences. There are ways to
build
relationships of trust where a child knows that you
are sharing your
concern, without trying to control them. There are
ways to guide
without limiting.
Yes there are limits in our lives. There are physical
limits....getting too tired, full bladders, hunger
etc... there are
limits of budget and time constraints and all sorts of
real life
limits. Limits exist without any effort at all. Yet
they don't have to
be viewed as limits, just challenges to be navigated.
When the various members of a family are all concerned
with helping
each other and/or finding creative ways to meet all
the needs, the
dynamic is very different. I've had my children watch
things I
thought might bother them, but instead of insisting
they not watch, I
explain why it might bother them. Because I'm there
with them, helping
them navigate the situation, they are receptive to
options like
covering their eyes, fast forwarding a movie, pausing
to discuss etc...
No, I don't tell them they aren't allowed to watch
things, and because
of that they are VERY willing to say "ok, enough...I
don't like this"
when it's too much.
Just last month on our way to FLT we stopped overnight
at a friends
house. The teens were watching a pretty violent zombie
movie and Jalen
just wanted to be part of the group. I explained the
parts I was
concerned about and we sat together to watch...so he
had an out if
needed. After about 15 minutes he said "this is a
stupid movie" and
got up.
I took him outside and we chased chickens and swung on
the porch
together until the movie was over. He needed to know
there was a fun
option if he left the group activity. He needed to
know I was
concerned but also trusted his choices.
I've stopped movies and said "I'm very worried this is
going to bother
you, how can we handle this" at times. Because
sometimes (esp. Jalen)
they get "stuck" and really don't want to do the
activity but don't
know how to transition. YES, kids need guidance. Yes,
they need a
concerned, caring, loving parent with them to
navigate.
It's really hard to describe how these things work
WITHOUT control,
but without negligence either. When a child is looked
upon as a whole
person, with preferences that are just as important as
the parents,
then solutions can be found within a very different
framework.
Like I said, Unschooling blossoms in that place where
a parent is not
limiting, nor are they ignoring. It's a completely
different way to
parent. Not permissive, not punitive.... ..totally
different. My
children' have the right to choose their lives. That
doesn't mean they
are prepared to handle all of life's choices all at
once. But having
us beside them to help, is different than controlling
their choices.
There are some limits I DO set. But those have to do
with safety in
the moment or someone elses peace. And the limit is
only there to stop
the activity long enough to come up with solutions
that work for
everyone (hitting each other isn't what they really
want).
Limits exist, I just don't try to create more. I try
to show them ways
to break past limits in a positive way.
Ren
learninginfreedom. com
"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." ~Albert Pine
____________________________________________________________________________________
Never miss an email again!
Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives.
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/
Eugenie van Ruitenbeek
Hi Cameron and Kendrah,
I missed this thread because of a lot of busy things going on in our home
but like to add that we have exactly the same with our son (almost 8). I
struggled for so long with this issue, wanting to be the perfect
unschoolings mother and feeling deep down, my mother instinct, that my son
NEEDS me to guide him strongly, although he never asked me directly in words
to do so. And that is how I am raised; Speak, Talk and Reflect. But my son
does not want to speak so much. He shows me his needs in his actions and is
not aware of the connection between what he needs (from me) and words. So if
I ask: "Shall we play with the ball?" he will say: "No." If I start to play
with the ball, he can feel in his body if he wants to join me and most of
the time he starts playing.
If he is getting crazy in front of the tv, and I ask questions, does not
matter which questions, he refuses to answer them. NOT because we have a bad
relationship, or that he does not trust me. But because he does not like to
talk. Talking is too much of a cortex action and my son is intuitive, full
of feelings and he learns through experience rather than reading or
listening or whatever. So he soaks the images on the tv and get completely
absorbed by it, not able to quit, to stop, to walk away.
But I wanted to be the perfect unschoolingsmother by the book and I fought
my instincts for months. So I bit my nails and swallowed my words, stopped
my impulses. And than one day I could not do it anymore. I stopped him. I
just went to the tv and turned it off. He looked at me and asked me what I
was doing. And I told him shortly that it was over with the tv. That I would
set limits and which ones. It all came from deep down my body. I was
completely authentic, I took him by his hand and gave him what he needed: my
strong safe guidance. He went to a friend of his. And the days after that he
sometimes asked if he could watch tv. I just looked at him and than he
relaxed. After awhile he came to me and said he was happy that I stopped
him. He does not speak about the tv again. He is playing and more centered
than ever. Sometimes he wants to watch a dvd and enjoys it. The next day he
wants to see it again and than he forgets about it.
We had the same with food. We let him free. And his body was hurt, he has a
great lack of vitamines which we are rebuilding for weeks now and he had
severe, how do you call it in english. diarrhee?? He was in bad shape. Pale
skin, he drank at least 3 liters a day, did not eat much and if he ate he
took candy, sweet things with sugar and so on. I stopped him. I guided him
back into his body by telling him what he could eat and what not. Within two
weeks he had a connection with his body again and now his food is in his
hands again.
And he is happy now, felling much more healthy than before and he is
grateful that we helped him to find his way back to his balance. He was not
able to do so on his own. And nothing we tried worked. Exept taking the
responsibility as a parent to see that our son was needing our guidance. We,
as parents, first had to learn to become authentic. We first had to learn
the difference between authoritarian and authentic.
My english is not my native language but I hope I made myself a little
clear.
Eugenie
_____
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I missed this thread because of a lot of busy things going on in our home
but like to add that we have exactly the same with our son (almost 8). I
struggled for so long with this issue, wanting to be the perfect
unschoolings mother and feeling deep down, my mother instinct, that my son
NEEDS me to guide him strongly, although he never asked me directly in words
to do so. And that is how I am raised; Speak, Talk and Reflect. But my son
does not want to speak so much. He shows me his needs in his actions and is
not aware of the connection between what he needs (from me) and words. So if
I ask: "Shall we play with the ball?" he will say: "No." If I start to play
with the ball, he can feel in his body if he wants to join me and most of
the time he starts playing.
If he is getting crazy in front of the tv, and I ask questions, does not
matter which questions, he refuses to answer them. NOT because we have a bad
relationship, or that he does not trust me. But because he does not like to
talk. Talking is too much of a cortex action and my son is intuitive, full
of feelings and he learns through experience rather than reading or
listening or whatever. So he soaks the images on the tv and get completely
absorbed by it, not able to quit, to stop, to walk away.
But I wanted to be the perfect unschoolingsmother by the book and I fought
my instincts for months. So I bit my nails and swallowed my words, stopped
my impulses. And than one day I could not do it anymore. I stopped him. I
just went to the tv and turned it off. He looked at me and asked me what I
was doing. And I told him shortly that it was over with the tv. That I would
set limits and which ones. It all came from deep down my body. I was
completely authentic, I took him by his hand and gave him what he needed: my
strong safe guidance. He went to a friend of his. And the days after that he
sometimes asked if he could watch tv. I just looked at him and than he
relaxed. After awhile he came to me and said he was happy that I stopped
him. He does not speak about the tv again. He is playing and more centered
than ever. Sometimes he wants to watch a dvd and enjoys it. The next day he
wants to see it again and than he forgets about it.
We had the same with food. We let him free. And his body was hurt, he has a
great lack of vitamines which we are rebuilding for weeks now and he had
severe, how do you call it in english. diarrhee?? He was in bad shape. Pale
skin, he drank at least 3 liters a day, did not eat much and if he ate he
took candy, sweet things with sugar and so on. I stopped him. I guided him
back into his body by telling him what he could eat and what not. Within two
weeks he had a connection with his body again and now his food is in his
hands again.
And he is happy now, felling much more healthy than before and he is
grateful that we helped him to find his way back to his balance. He was not
able to do so on his own. And nothing we tried worked. Exept taking the
responsibility as a parent to see that our son was needing our guidance. We,
as parents, first had to learn to become authentic. We first had to learn
the difference between authoritarian and authentic.
My english is not my native language but I hope I made myself a little
clear.
Eugenie
_____
Mijn Postvak In wordt beschermd door SPAMfighter
3903 spam-mails zijn er tot op heden geblokkeerd.
Download de gratis SPAMfighter <http://www.spamfighter.com/lnl> vandaag
nog!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
~~any wise parents of multiple children have "emergency"
strategies?~~
One of my strategies is keeping some dollar store items tucked away
for intense moments. New toys, books or games can be a great
distraction when energy is a bit negative. Blowing bubbles, water
play, balloons and finger paint are some of the "quick fixes" to keep
on hand.
Build forts, watch a movie together, play with ice, roll marbles, go
for a walk (looking for flowers or watching cars can be fun anywhere),
fold paper planes, drop food dye in milk or water and create art, go
for a drive. I've found that mixing it up or dropping something new
into the moment really helps when kids are at odds. We all just need a
change of scenery sometimes.:)
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
strategies?~~
One of my strategies is keeping some dollar store items tucked away
for intense moments. New toys, books or games can be a great
distraction when energy is a bit negative. Blowing bubbles, water
play, balloons and finger paint are some of the "quick fixes" to keep
on hand.
Build forts, watch a movie together, play with ice, roll marbles, go
for a walk (looking for flowers or watching cars can be fun anywhere),
fold paper planes, drop food dye in milk or water and create art, go
for a drive. I've found that mixing it up or dropping something new
into the moment really helps when kids are at odds. We all just need a
change of scenery sometimes.:)
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Brian & Alexandra Polikowsky
When I was growing up we could watch anything we wanted on tv. I don't think I have any fears or ill efect from it at all.
I think the parents need to be connected with the kids and know what they are watching annd if they are connected with them and realize they are beeing somehow affected by any images or stories on tv they need to step in and talk about it.
In the exemple giving in another post the parents should have realized the child was getting distressed by "abdution movies" and should have talked about it more with that child about it.
That is how my parents were. We discussed every thing The news, the movies, the comercials ( my father was in Advertizing so I love commercials).
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I think the parents need to be connected with the kids and know what they are watching annd if they are connected with them and realize they are beeing somehow affected by any images or stories on tv they need to step in and talk about it.
In the exemple giving in another post the parents should have realized the child was getting distressed by "abdution movies" and should have talked about it more with that child about it.
That is how my parents were. We discussed every thing The news, the movies, the comercials ( my father was in Advertizing so I love commercials).
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]