Lisa Heyman

Posted by: "Joanne O'N."
<mailto:seagullcaller@...?Subject=%20Re%3ASilverware%20example>
seagullcaller@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/seagullcaller>
seagullcaller

Fri May 4, 2007 6:54 pm (PST)

I read but rarely post. But I think it is time that I do so. Recently, my
son (6) and I were in
a restaurant with a friend. He wanted multiple plates of food, since each
food was to be
on a different plate. I supported and assisted him with that. He also
brought back
multiple forks, spoons and knives. At this point I noticed my new friend
glancing at all of
this activity and I began to hear old tapes in my head like she thinks he
has too much
silverware, the restaurant will not like this, now all of this silverware
needs to be washed.

[Lisa Heyman] What struck me about your posting Joanne is that the problem
seemed to begin with your own self consciousness?


At the end of the meal, not thinking, when the waitress came over I picked
up my plates
and scooped up the silverware from next to me on the booth seat.

[Lisa Heyman] So what you forgot to do is to ask your son if he was finished
before clearing his place. This makes my husband furious when wait staff
clears without asking. I can't stand when he moves my papers on the desk
because he wants to use the computer.

Retrospectively I I had
allowed anxiety to develop due to what I was imagining others thought about
what was
going on with my son and then with me that I was not forcing him to stop
this behavior.

[Lisa Heyman] So your were imagining what others were thinking? Did anyone
actually say anything to you?

I
try to explain to him what people expect in public. (He frequently likes to
pour slat and
pepper together, mix water in some other things in front of him on the
table, etc. IN
genreal I delight in his creative exploration.

[Lisa Heyman] When my oldest dd was young concoctions at restaurants was one
of her favorite activities to keep her happy. The only time the glass or
bowl was tipped or spilled was when an adult (my mother) intervened thinking
it was not ok because of her own self consciousness of what others were
thinking. I had always made sure to pick up any empty sugar packets so as
not to create extra work for the wait staff. In fact, my leaving the table
orderly follows my own philosophy of leaving a place better than I found it
- or at the very least, in the Zen buddah tradition 'leave no trace.' As my
dd's get older they have embraced this social convention as their own. My
younger dd is not as meticulous about her restaurant mess as my older dd was
and still very much requires multiple plates for each item of food. In her
8 years I've never had a restaurant give us difficulty over this requirement
for one of their patrons. In fact - because of my response to my dd's
creativity - my younger dd is into presentation, 'plating' as its called on
the food network - the staff is most often delighted by her excitement as
well.

Btw - My older dd's restaurant experimentations led to concocting at home
where by the age of 5 she created an original brownie recipe that was
incredible. I took to setting up a pantry shelf she could reach with food
items that didn't concern me about cost so she could experiment in attempts
to make edible recipes.

But when out ion public if I feel that someone
else is watching, I begin to squirm.

[Lisa Heyman] You don't know what they are thinking? Have you looked up and
smiled at the person watching the beauty you call your son? Giving them the
same compassion, joy and acceptance you have for his human experience. Its
very disarming and could shift their perspective.

But to continue, after I had picked up the silverware,
he rightly became upset and went up to where the silverware was and began
taking now
large handfuls of each utensil again. I was feeling embarrassed and out of
control. I know
I am working and striving not to be in control as I want to honor his
decisions even if they
are not mine.

[Lisa Heyman] Joanne - when I feel my need to control someone else - I
recite the serenity prayer as such: grant me the serenity to accept the
things I can not change (him), the courage to change the things I can
(myself). It helps to remind me that I need to shift my behaviour in that
moment.

But I am having trouble when the behavior begins to have others turn and
stare and my trying to speak to him quietly about my regret of taking his
silverware,

[Lisa Heyman] What struck me is your 'quietly' speaking to him about your
regret. From your posting this quiet talk seems to have come from your
continued self consciousness of others. Your son is a bright kid - sounds
like he was frustrated by what may have been your mixed message indicating
that he was bad or wrong or not right when in fact you were the one
disrespectful. My younger dd can sometimes respond to my mistakes
(disrespectful behaviour - such as not asking if she is finished with
something prior to my cleaning it up) with a passionate response (qualifiedy
by some people - like my mom or dad as tantrum response for which they are
embarrassed.) I find that the best way to apologize for my mistake is to
do so clearly and loudly and confidently - letting her know I was wrong and
she was right, I should have asked her first prior to removing her things.
Then I will calmly and compassionately maintain a loving support until she
has finished with her feelings. Just because I have apologized doesn't mean
she will have let go of her frustration. What helps her in her passionate
response is for me to maintain my composure, love and acceptance of her
expressions without judgement.

I will tell you that ultimately more people in public places have come to me
to express their marvel and appreciation of how I've handled my dd than
those that may not have appreciated the skillfull parenting that exists.
And the one time someone told me that I should treat my dd differently (such
as punishment, slap or timeout) I've responded by saying that I am sorry
that they may have been treated so poorly when they were upset I hope for
them that will have a different experience in their lives from here on out.



and
that the silverware was to be used in the restaurant for multiple people,
his behavior got
more insistent and seemed to grow larger. I am still so new. I know I am
making a ton of
mistakes.

[Lisa Heyman] As Kelly would call them - learning takes. You are learning
and good for you for recognizing that perhaps there is something in your
behaviour that could be changed to help better accommodate your sons joyful
experience of the world.

I am open to all feedback and I would also appreciate the support of knowing

others have either been there or are also struggling with something similar.
Joanne O'N.

[Lisa Heyman] Sounds like the simple lesson for you may be to remember to
ask you son before clearing his materials - even though you or someone else
thinks he's done (or should be done).





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]