angry chaos
Katharine Wise
I feel like everything we're doing is backfiring and everything is getting worse.
Kids are angry, yelling, or whiny. Typical scene: 4yo "reading" to me while 7yo reads to self nearby. 7yo grunts, "Be quiet". 4yo continues reading (in a normal voice). 7yo quickly progresses to screaming, "You're too loud. He's evil. Make him be quiet." I explain to 7yo that if it's distracting he can go to a different room but he objects because he wants to be near us. Return to screaming, "You're too loud." Ultimately 7yo starts pushing 4yo out of my lap -- and 4yo gives up and leaves so 7yo actually gets my lap this way.
I recently posted about our experiences with food. Now 7yo and 4yo will both often sit and whine, "I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry," and then turn down everything I offer but not make any suggestions of what they want instead. And, yes, I will have recently brought them a snack. I've also set up a cabinet where they can help themselves, but that hasn't helped. My 7yo especially, I don't even know what to offer him to eat anymore -- it seems as though he turns down everything.
Night-time has also been challenging. I'm drained. 11yo gets up at 6:30 and goes to bed at 9:30 as he always has (religiously -- his choice). 7yo sleeps from about 10 or 10:30 until 8 or 9ish, but with much more variation than 11yo. I do kind of guide him toward bed. 4yo is up until we go to bed at 11 or 12, often still climbing around and chattering as dh and I fall asleep, then sleeps until 11ish. The pluses -- 4yo and 7yo get along better in the late evening than any other time of day (except tonight which I described above); mornings are also fairly pleasant until 4yo wakes up. Minuses -- I'm exhausted. Dh is exhausted. We get no time alone. (Since 7yo is so volatile, we really can't leave kids alone at all when they're awake.)
Everybody's really edgy, testy. They're all competing in a major way for individual attention. 11yo is constantly trying to prove his "alpha-dog" status. 7yo is cross, irritable, and grumpy. 4yo is acting out in some clearly very deliberate ways (you're reading to *him*, then I'm going to start tearing the pages in this other book so you have to pay attention to me instead). They yell at each other the instant something isn't the way they want it, "You're the evilest thing in the world!!!" I won't say we never yell (I don't think I've ever met someone with children who could say that), but dh and I are generally not yellers -- this isn't something they've learned from us -- although the current household atmosphere is definitely pushing our limits. The younger two will also hit, push, or kick -- at each other and at us. I can't remember the last time anyone asked me nicely for something. (And I don't mean saying please, but just *asking* in a nice tone of voice --
"Mom, could you get the xyz for me?" instead of "I want xyz!!!")
I'm afraid I'm so stubborn I'm sticking to a philosophy that doesn't work and that maybe my children do need time-outs or "logical" consequences. Even dh, who never had a violent thought in his life before as far as I know, looked at me tonight and said something about wanting to beat them into submission (and he didn't really mean obedience but rather into treating one-another nicely). Yes, we both know that's absurd.
I can't even believe I'm writing this about my children! Up until about a year ago, my older two got along so well -- I thought I'd at least done the sibling thing right! No longer.
Katharine
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Kids are angry, yelling, or whiny. Typical scene: 4yo "reading" to me while 7yo reads to self nearby. 7yo grunts, "Be quiet". 4yo continues reading (in a normal voice). 7yo quickly progresses to screaming, "You're too loud. He's evil. Make him be quiet." I explain to 7yo that if it's distracting he can go to a different room but he objects because he wants to be near us. Return to screaming, "You're too loud." Ultimately 7yo starts pushing 4yo out of my lap -- and 4yo gives up and leaves so 7yo actually gets my lap this way.
I recently posted about our experiences with food. Now 7yo and 4yo will both often sit and whine, "I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry," and then turn down everything I offer but not make any suggestions of what they want instead. And, yes, I will have recently brought them a snack. I've also set up a cabinet where they can help themselves, but that hasn't helped. My 7yo especially, I don't even know what to offer him to eat anymore -- it seems as though he turns down everything.
Night-time has also been challenging. I'm drained. 11yo gets up at 6:30 and goes to bed at 9:30 as he always has (religiously -- his choice). 7yo sleeps from about 10 or 10:30 until 8 or 9ish, but with much more variation than 11yo. I do kind of guide him toward bed. 4yo is up until we go to bed at 11 or 12, often still climbing around and chattering as dh and I fall asleep, then sleeps until 11ish. The pluses -- 4yo and 7yo get along better in the late evening than any other time of day (except tonight which I described above); mornings are also fairly pleasant until 4yo wakes up. Minuses -- I'm exhausted. Dh is exhausted. We get no time alone. (Since 7yo is so volatile, we really can't leave kids alone at all when they're awake.)
Everybody's really edgy, testy. They're all competing in a major way for individual attention. 11yo is constantly trying to prove his "alpha-dog" status. 7yo is cross, irritable, and grumpy. 4yo is acting out in some clearly very deliberate ways (you're reading to *him*, then I'm going to start tearing the pages in this other book so you have to pay attention to me instead). They yell at each other the instant something isn't the way they want it, "You're the evilest thing in the world!!!" I won't say we never yell (I don't think I've ever met someone with children who could say that), but dh and I are generally not yellers -- this isn't something they've learned from us -- although the current household atmosphere is definitely pushing our limits. The younger two will also hit, push, or kick -- at each other and at us. I can't remember the last time anyone asked me nicely for something. (And I don't mean saying please, but just *asking* in a nice tone of voice --
"Mom, could you get the xyz for me?" instead of "I want xyz!!!")
I'm afraid I'm so stubborn I'm sticking to a philosophy that doesn't work and that maybe my children do need time-outs or "logical" consequences. Even dh, who never had a violent thought in his life before as far as I know, looked at me tonight and said something about wanting to beat them into submission (and he didn't really mean obedience but rather into treating one-another nicely). Yes, we both know that's absurd.
I can't even believe I'm writing this about my children! Up until about a year ago, my older two got along so well -- I thought I'd at least done the sibling thing right! No longer.
Katharine
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
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