Vanessa

Hi,

I have a question. How do you get family members to quit insisting
that we take our kids over to see their grandparents? (my hubby's
parents)

My kids do not want to see them, yet my brother in-law keeps
insisting that we take them over there. My dh has had a talk with
his brother telling him that his parents will ooh and ahhh over
other peoples kids (ones that are in the family) right in front of
my kids, and not pay any attention to mine.

Are kids at ages 9 and 11 ok to make up their own minds to not want
to see their grandparents? I don't want to force them to go,
because I feel that it will backfire on my husband. My kids have
never had a relationship with my in-laws, but have always had one
with my parents who live 550 miles away from us. The ones here in
town never call, and are always too busy to see the kids. We did
invite them to school functions when my kids were in ps, and they
went to a few, but not many. I would always have to explain to my
kids why their grandparents wouldn't come, and I found myself in the
middle, and trying to find reasons why. It came to the point of us
not inviting my in-laws to any school funtion. It was easier, since
they showed no interest.

Any help on this would be greatly appreciated. They love my
parents, and love visiting them. It's not the same with their other
grandparents.

Thanks!!!

Vanessa

John Olsen

I understand where your children are coming from. I had grandparents
that could not be bothered by grandchildren. We would visit but it was
NEVER pleasant because of nitpicking or LOTS of reprimanding for not
doing something right. I would spend a week every summer with these
grandparents (from age 7 yrs till15 yrs) but mostly so that I could
"work" for them. During My senior year of High School, We had a Choral
competition in their town (we lived about 150 miles from them) just 10
blocks from their house. I even called them from the High School to
reinvite them to see my final competition of my high school choral
career and my grandmother said" We can't come see you, that is right in
the middle of my soap opera and I can't miss that!" That was when I
knew that my relationship was truly over with them. so Sad, I was 17
yrs old and they did not want to take the time to see and visit with
me. Ruby

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "Vanessa"
<psychomom95@...> wrote:
> Are kids at ages 9 and 11 ok to make up their own minds to not
want
> to see their grandparents? I don't want to force them to go,
> because I feel that it will backfire on my husband. My kids have
> never had a relationship with my in-laws, but have always had one
> with my parents who live 550 miles away from us.

We spend a Lot more time visiting George's family than mine, even
though my dad lives closer. Mo hasn't said anything really specific
about going, but she has a lot less autonomy at my dad's house. Lots
of "can'ts" and "don'ts" and "not nows" that leave her really
frustrated - and all sorts of weird coercion around food that drives
*me* up the wall.

> How do you get family members to quit insisting
> that we take our kids over to see their grandparents?

That I don't know, other than to comment that you've made a point to
invite them to see/do things with the kids. You might look for
other "neutral" places to meet together, if you want to try to
continue the relationship. It may be that the kids will enjoy their
company more somewhere other than the grands' house - but again,
that's going to depend on the grands being willing to meet y'all
somewhere else.

> They love my
> parents, and love visiting them. It's not the same with their
other
> grandparents.

Mo loves one of my Aunties - well, I do too! She was the sister
closest to my mom, so after Mom died she took on the role
of "emergency back up mom" as it were. She doesn't have any
grandkids, so she loves to play the role of indulgent Granny - which
suits us perfectly! Still, there's something a little unsettling
about the fact that we spend waaaaay more time with Aunty than we do
with my dad, so I think I understand how you're feeling.

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/2/2007 8:30:58 AM Eastern Standard Time,
psychomom95@... writes:

How do you get family members to quit insisting
that we take our kids over to see their grandparents? (my hubby's
parents)



Similar situation for us. My parents are close to my kids and they live 70
miles away. Their nana lives two miles away but she isn't my favorite person
and has never been alone with my children. What I have done with my intrusive
sister-in-law was to remind her that if nana wanted to see the kids, she was
free to call and we might schedule a visit. She never has and it sounds like
your in-laws won't either. It also helps not to allow others to make us feel
like they're insisting that we or our kids do anything. I'd tell those busy
bodies to worry about themselves and to leave you and your kids alone and not to
bring it up again, then distract them with a cookie or a pretty bird outside.

Good luck,
Robin in MA



************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Schafer Vanessa

My dh did tell his brother that his parents had their
chance and blew it.

My in-laws are not allowed at my house while I am
home. To me, our house should be a place where I can
be comfortable and feel safe. When they come over my
mil tries to redecorate my house, or gives
unwaranted/unwanted advice. She even tells me that my
daughter is too picky of an eater, and my son needs to
lose weight. They are quick to judge me, without
giving me the benefit of the doubt, and blame me for
everything.

When I asked my son how his visits with them go, he
says they ask him questions, and then after about 3
minutes, don't say anything else to him. He ends up
playing video games with his uncle, who I don't get a
long with for the rest of the visit. (this is the
uncle that told dh to bring the kids over to their mom
and dads this week.) I did ask if they wanted to
visit their grandparents this week (who live 5 minutes
a way from us, and both of them said no.) I won't
force them, because when I was younger, I was forced
to go see my dad's parents, and something horrible
happened to me in my teenage years.

I figure it's dh's parents loss, not my childrens.
They are more happier with my parents, than with
anyone else.

I really don't have a relationship with my in-laws,
and don't want one. I don't think my kids want a
relationship with dh's parents either. Sad, but I
can't blame them.

Sorry this is so long winded, I am glad that people on
the list can see where I am coming from.

Thanks!!!



--- ohpurple1@... wrote:

>
> In a message dated 4/2/2007 8:30:58 AM Eastern
> Standard Time,
> psychomom95@... writes:
>
> How do you get family members to quit insisting
> that we take our kids over to see their
> grandparents? (my hubby's
> parents)
>
>
>
> Similar situation for us. My parents are close to
> my kids and they live 70
> miles away. Their nana lives two miles away but she
> isn't my favorite person
> and has never been alone with my children. What I
> have done with my intrusive
> sister-in-law was to remind her that if nana wanted
> to see the kids, she was
> free to call and we might schedule a visit. She
> never has and it sounds like
> your in-laws won't either. It also helps not to
> allow others to make us feel
> like they're insisting that we or our kids do
> anything. I'd tell those busy
> bodies to worry about themselves and to leave you
> and your kids alone and not to
> bring it up again, then distract them with a cookie
> or a pretty bird outside.
>
> Good luck,
> Robin in MA
>
>
>
> ************************************** See what's
> free at http://www.aol.com
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>


Vanessa




____________________________________________________________________________________
Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545367

Kelly Weyd

I remember my grandmother used to come visit, and everytime she would tell me I needed to lose weight, and then tell my father he needed to lose weight and it was his fault that I was overweight. You know life is too short for that kind of BS. I ended up resenting her, and we never formed a close relationship. I wish people could see what they are doing.
Kelly

Schafer Vanessa <psychomom95@...> wrote:
My dh did tell his brother that his parents had their
chance and blew it.

My in-laws are not allowed at my house while I am
home. To me, our house should be a place where I can
be comfortable and feel safe. When they come over my
mil tries to redecorate my house, or gives
unwaranted/unwanted advice. She even tells me that my
daughter is too picky of an eater, and my son needs to
lose weight. They are quick to judge me, without
giving me the benefit of the doubt, and blame me for
everything.

When I asked my son how his visits with them go, he
says they ask him questions, and then after about 3
minutes, don't say anything else to him. He ends up
playing video games with his uncle, who I don't get a
long with for the rest of the visit. (this is the
uncle that told dh to bring the kids over to their mom
and dads this week.) I did ask if they wanted to
visit their grandparents this week (who live 5 minutes
a way from us, and both of them said no.) I won't
force them, because when I was younger, I was forced
to go see my dad's parents, and something horrible
happened to me in my teenage years.

I figure it's dh's parents loss, not my childrens.
They are more happier with my parents, than with
anyone else.

I really don't have a relationship with my in-laws,
and don't want one. I don't think my kids want a
relationship with dh's parents either. Sad, but I
can't blame them.

Sorry this is so long winded, I am glad that people on
the list can see where I am coming from.

Thanks!!!

--- ohpurple1@... wrote:

>
> In a message dated 4/2/2007 8:30:58 AM Eastern
> Standard Time,
> psychomom95@... writes:
>
> How do you get family members to quit insisting
> that we take our kids over to see their
> grandparents? (my hubby's
> parents)
>
>
>
> Similar situation for us. My parents are close to
> my kids and they live 70
> miles away. Their nana lives two miles away but she
> isn't my favorite person
> and has never been alone with my children. What I
> have done with my intrusive
> sister-in-law was to remind her that if nana wanted
> to see the kids, she was
> free to call and we might schedule a visit. She
> never has and it sounds like
> your in-laws won't either. It also helps not to
> allow others to make us feel
> like they're insisting that we or our kids do
> anything. I'd tell those busy
> bodies to worry about themselves and to leave you
> and your kids alone and not to
> bring it up again, then distract them with a cookie
> or a pretty bird outside.
>
> Good luck,
> Robin in MA
>
>
>
> ************************************** See what's
> free at http://www.aol.com
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>

Vanessa

__________________________________________________________
Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545367





---------------------------------
Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Schafer Vanessa

Kelly,

Luckily, the comments about my son needing to lose
weight never reached his ears, only mine. I will
never tell him that, instead, I tell him he's a good
kid, and to be happy with the way he is. My fil did
tell him once a while ago, that he is his favorite
grandson, when the other one isn't around. My son did
hear that, but luckily he was younger at the time.
Most of the mean comments are directed at me, and when
my mil told me she should take a picture of my clean
floor (who really has a super duper clean floor with
kids in the house?) on Christmas Eve, that was the
straw that broke the camels back. My son was standing
there when she said it. I was being dumb at the time,
and thought that she meant she should take a picture
of her grandkids, not the clean floor. (I missed out
on sledding with dh, and kids, to finish preparing for
our family Christmas party.) Since that time, she has
not been allowed at our house, unless I am gone. This
had been going on for years, and I finally couldn't
take it any more.

Words can hurt, and make a lasting impression. I
don't want my son and my daughter to see how mean
their grandma can be.
--- Kelly Weyd <kellmar98@...> wrote:

> I remember my grandmother used to come visit, and
> everytime she would tell me I needed to lose weight,
> and then tell my father he needed to lose weight and
> it was his fault that I was overweight. You know
> life is too short for that kind of BS. I ended up
> resenting her, and we never formed a close
> relationship. I wish people could see what they are
> doing.
> Kelly
>
> Schafer Vanessa <psychomom95@...> wrote:
> My dh did tell his brother that his
> parents had their
> chance and blew it.
>
> My in-laws are not allowed at my house while I am
> home. To me, our house should be a place where I can
> be comfortable and feel safe. When they come over my
> mil tries to redecorate my house, or gives
> unwaranted/unwanted advice. She even tells me that
> my
> daughter is too picky of an eater, and my son needs
> to
> lose weight. They are quick to judge me, without
> giving me the benefit of the doubt, and blame me for
> everything.
>
> When I asked my son how his visits with them go, he
> says they ask him questions, and then after about 3
> minutes, don't say anything else to him. He ends up
> playing video games with his uncle, who I don't get
> a
> long with for the rest of the visit. (this is the
> uncle that told dh to bring the kids over to their
> mom
> and dads this week.) I did ask if they wanted to
> visit their grandparents this week (who live 5
> minutes
> a way from us, and both of them said no.) I won't
> force them, because when I was younger, I was forced
> to go see my dad's parents, and something horrible
> happened to me in my teenage years.
>
> I figure it's dh's parents loss, not my childrens.
> They are more happier with my parents, than with
> anyone else.
>
> I really don't have a relationship with my in-laws,
> and don't want one. I don't think my kids want a
> relationship with dh's parents either. Sad, but I
> can't blame them.
>
> Sorry this is so long winded, I am glad that people
> on
> the list can see where I am coming from.
>
> Thanks!!!
>
> --- ohpurple1@... wrote:
>
> >
> > In a message dated 4/2/2007 8:30:58 AM Eastern
> > Standard Time,
> > psychomom95@... writes:
> >
> > How do you get family members to quit insisting
> > that we take our kids over to see their
> > grandparents? (my hubby's
> > parents)
> >
> >
> >
> > Similar situation for us. My parents are close to
> > my kids and they live 70
> > miles away. Their nana lives two miles away but
> she
> > isn't my favorite person
> > and has never been alone with my children. What I
> > have done with my intrusive
> > sister-in-law was to remind her that if nana
> wanted
> > to see the kids, she was
> > free to call and we might schedule a visit. She
> > never has and it sounds like
> > your in-laws won't either. It also helps not to
> > allow others to make us feel
> > like they're insisting that we or our kids do
> > anything. I'd tell those busy
> > bodies to worry about themselves and to leave you
> > and your kids alone and not to
> > bring it up again, then distract them with a
> cookie
> > or a pretty bird outside.
> >
> > Good luck,
> > Robin in MA
> >
> >
> >
> > ************************************** See what's
> > free at http://www.aol.com
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been
> > removed]
> >
> >
>
> Vanessa
>
>
__________________________________________________________
> Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
> in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
>
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545367
>
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
> in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>


Vanessa




____________________________________________________________________________________
Get your own web address.
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Sheryl Shomler

I understand! I'm living it except it's my step-mom.
My dad and step-mom lived 300 miles away until my dad
had a stroke. He then moved in with me and Mom
(step-mom) was sent to a nursing home close by that
her daughters chose. Now my dad has also been sent to
an assisted living home real close by. We see him very
regular at church, pick him up and such.

My mom constantly wants us to come visit even to the
point of saying that I'm not supposed to forsake my
parents and the kids need to see her. One of the kids
, the youngest of 5 will see her as all she does is
complain nearly on everything..doctors not good, I'm
not good, not good on homeschooling, neighbor lady in
home is not good(no matter how many new neighbors she
has gotten in the last 3 years!). She used to blame me
that Dad never wanted to go see her and now that he
has moved into an assisted living, she cant put that
on me as he still never goes and sees her. They just
argue the entire time-weird I must say! She has
purchased magazines for the youngest child and has
sent him letters now stating that "have your Mom bring
you to come see grandma"

I just dont want to bog down with all the negative
this and that. I suppose I'm in the wrong..its just I
dont seem to make the effort to visit. Havent seen her
in over 6 months now and really dont care to.

Should I find someone to take my youngest to her? Do I
bite my pride and take him? Hmmm...food for thought.

Sheryl in Redmond, WA
Servant to Jesus Christ!
Wife to Matt:)
Mom to Brandon/23, Heidi/22, Jake/20, Natashia/16 & Bradley/8



____________________________________________________________________________________
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Katharine Wise

and when

my mil told me she should take a picture of my clean

floor (who really has a super duper clean floor with

kids in the house?)
********

*My* mil. She had her kitchen and bathrooms *carpeted* (I think the garage, too, for that matter) when my husband was six!

Katharine










____________________________________________________________________________________
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Kelly Weyd

I don't blame you at all. It amazes me that people just keep opening their mouths and saying nasty things until they have completely destroyed relationships. Now for the sake of her grand kids and her grand kids mother you would think she could have just kept some peace, but some just never get it.
kelly

Schafer Vanessa <psychomom95@...> wrote:
Kelly,

Luckily, the comments about my son needing to lose
weight never reached his ears, only mine. I will
never tell him that, instead, I tell him he's a good
kid, and to be happy with the way he is. My fil did
tell him once a while ago, that he is his favorite
grandson, when the other one isn't around. My son did
hear that, but luckily he was younger at the time.
Most of the mean comments are directed at me, and when
my mil told me she should take a picture of my clean
floor (who really has a super duper clean floor with
kids in the house?) on Christmas Eve, that was the
straw that broke the camels back. My son was standing
there when she said it. I was being dumb at the time,
and thought that she meant she should take a picture
of her grandkids, not the clean floor. (I missed out
on sledding with dh, and kids, to finish preparing for
our family Christmas party.) Since that time, she has
not been allowed at our house, unless I am gone. This
had been going on for years, and I finally couldn't
take it any more.

Words can hurt, and make a lasting impression. I
don't want my son and my daughter to see how mean
their grandma can be.
--- Kelly Weyd <kellmar98@...> wrote:

> I remember my grandmother used to come visit, and
> everytime she would tell me I needed to lose weight,
> and then tell my father he needed to lose weight and
> it was his fault that I was overweight. You know
> life is too short for that kind of BS. I ended up
> resenting her, and we never formed a close
> relationship. I wish people could see what they are
> doing.
> Kelly
>
> Schafer Vanessa <psychomom95@...> wrote:
> My dh did tell his brother that his
> parents had their
> chance and blew it.
>
> My in-laws are not allowed at my house while I am
> home. To me, our house should be a place where I can
> be comfortable and feel safe. When they come over my
> mil tries to redecorate my house, or gives
> unwaranted/unwanted advice. She even tells me that
> my
> daughter is too picky of an eater, and my son needs
> to
> lose weight. They are quick to judge me, without
> giving me the benefit of the doubt, and blame me for
> everything.
>
> When I asked my son how his visits with them go, he
> says they ask him questions, and then after about 3
> minutes, don't say anything else to him. He ends up
> playing video games with his uncle, who I don't get
> a
> long with for the rest of the visit. (this is the
> uncle that told dh to bring the kids over to their
> mom
> and dads this week.) I did ask if they wanted to
> visit their grandparents this week (who live 5
> minutes
> a way from us, and both of them said no.) I won't
> force them, because when I was younger, I was forced
> to go see my dad's parents, and something horrible
> happened to me in my teenage years.
>
> I figure it's dh's parents loss, not my childrens.
> They are more happier with my parents, than with
> anyone else.
>
> I really don't have a relationship with my in-laws,
> and don't want one. I don't think my kids want a
> relationship with dh's parents either. Sad, but I
> can't blame them.
>
> Sorry this is so long winded, I am glad that people
> on
> the list can see where I am coming from.
>
> Thanks!!!
>
> --- ohpurple1@... wrote:
>
> >
> > In a message dated 4/2/2007 8:30:58 AM Eastern
> > Standard Time,
> > psychomom95@... writes:
> >
> > How do you get family members to quit insisting
> > that we take our kids over to see their
> > grandparents? (my hubby's
> > parents)
> >
> >
> >
> > Similar situation for us. My parents are close to
> > my kids and they live 70
> > miles away. Their nana lives two miles away but
> she
> > isn't my favorite person
> > and has never been alone with my children. What I
> > have done with my intrusive
> > sister-in-law was to remind her that if nana
> wanted
> > to see the kids, she was
> > free to call and we might schedule a visit. She
> > never has and it sounds like
> > your in-laws won't either. It also helps not to
> > allow others to make us feel
> > like they're insisting that we or our kids do
> > anything. I'd tell those busy
> > bodies to worry about themselves and to leave you
> > and your kids alone and not to
> > bring it up again, then distract them with a
> cookie
> > or a pretty bird outside.
> >
> > Good luck,
> > Robin in MA
> >
> >
> >
> > ************************************** See what's
> > free at http://www.aol.com
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been
> > removed]
> >
> >
>
> Vanessa
>
>
__________________________________________________________
> Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
> in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
>
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545367
>
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
> in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>

Vanessa

__________________________________________________________
Get your own web address.
Have a HUGE year through Yahoo! Small Business.
http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/domains/?p=BESTDEAL





---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/3/2007 6:04:24 AM Eastern Standard Time,
psychomom95@... writes:

Most of the mean comments are directed at me, and when
my mil told me she should take a picture of my clean
floor (who really has a super duper clean floor with
kids in the house?) on Christmas Eve, that was the
straw that broke the camels back.

What if you had responded by saying that you enjoy having a clean floor too
and left it at that? Don't let her get to you or let rude comments like that
be your last straw. She's not worth it.

I believe it was Audrey Hepburn who said that no one can make us feel
inferior without our permission. If my MIL said anything about my floor I'd giggle
and let her know that if its an issue for her, she is free to get on her knees
and scrub it. I'd even invite her to come by daily to keep up with the floor.
I'd probably start calling her grandma-rella and break into song. Years ago
when we moved from FL to my MIL's town I read Phil McGraw's Life Strategies. I
didn't retain much from the book except that we have the power to set up
relationships the way we want. Set things up so it works for you.

Because words can hurt deeply and can leave a lasting stain, if someone ever
called my kid fat I'd remind my child that he/she is PERFECT and tell that
person that it isn't nice to say mean things to people. If you want a subtle jab
at the *abuser's* ignorance you might ignore the person who said it and speak
to them through your child: Sorry about Grandpa being so mean, someone must
have been very mean to him for him to have learned to treat others like that.

We have a 180 LB 10 year old in our neighborhood who has been one of my
scouts for 5 years. I've watched her go from a sweet, gentle kid to a mean, nasty,
hostile, hateful young girl. She has sustained years of cruelty and abuse
and it really does make for a very unhappy person. Mean people suck but it
helps to remind ourselves that they have a lot of baggage. I remind myself daily
that she needs to be treated with a gentle heart but sometimes I want to wring
her neck! Same with my MIL and SIL. They are messed up, unhappy people.
Pitiful people. Just another reason to be grateful that we're not!

Peace and don't let her get to you and if she tries, stop her in her tracks!

Good luck,

Robin, who plans to be a great MIL someday.



************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

John Olsen

>
> Words can hurt, and make a lasting impression. I
> don't want my son and my daughter to see how mean
> their grandma can be.

If you don't expose them when they are young, they will hear it
eventually. i thought my mother and her siblings were making up things
up about their mother/stepmother. I loved my grandmother dearly until
my 18th birthday when she showed me her true colors and I was very hurt
by her. At least with the other grandparents I was used to it. Ruby

chandelle'

I believe it was Audrey Hepburn who said that no one can make us feel
inferior without our permission.

it was eleanor roosevelt. :)

On 4/3/07, ohpurple1@... <ohpurple1@...> wrote:
>
>
> In a message dated 4/3/2007 6:04:24 AM Eastern Standard Time,
> psychomom95@... writes:
>
> Most of the mean comments are directed at me, and when
> my mil told me she should take a picture of my clean
> floor (who really has a super duper clean floor with
> kids in the house?) on Christmas Eve, that was the
> straw that broke the camels back.
>
> What if you had responded by saying that you enjoy having a clean floor
> too
> and left it at that? Don't let her get to you or let rude comments like
> that
> be your last straw. She's not worth it.
>
> I believe it was Audrey Hepburn who said that no one can make us feel
> inferior without our permission. If my MIL said anything about my floor
> I'd giggle
> and let her know that if its an issue for her, she is free to get on her
> knees
> and scrub it. I'd even invite her to come by daily to keep up with the
> floor.
> I'd probably start calling her grandma-rella and break into song. Years
> ago
> when we moved from FL to my MIL's town I read Phil McGraw's Life
> Strategies. I
> didn't retain much from the book except that we have the power to set up
> relationships the way we want. Set things up so it works for you.
>
> Because words can hurt deeply and can leave a lasting stain, if someone
> ever
> called my kid fat I'd remind my child that he/she is PERFECT and tell that
> person that it isn't nice to say mean things to people. If you want a
> subtle jab
> at the *abuser's* ignorance you might ignore the person who said it and
> speak
> to them through your child: Sorry about Grandpa being so mean, someone
> must
> have been very mean to him for him to have learned to treat others like
> that.
>
> We have a 180 LB 10 year old in our neighborhood who has been one of my
> scouts for 5 years. I've watched her go from a sweet, gentle kid to a
> mean, nasty,
> hostile, hateful young girl. She has sustained years of cruelty and abuse
> and it really does make for a very unhappy person. Mean people suck but
> it
> helps to remind ourselves that they have a lot of baggage. I remind myself
> daily
> that she needs to be treated with a gentle heart but sometimes I want to
> wring
> her neck! Same with my MIL and SIL. They are messed up, unhappy people.
> Pitiful people. Just another reason to be grateful that we're not!
>
> Peace and don't let her get to you and if she tries, stop her in her
> tracks!
>
> Good luck,
>
> Robin, who plans to be a great MIL someday.
>
>
>
> ************************************** See what's free at
> http://www.aol.com
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

~~
If you don't expose them when they are young, they will hear it
eventually. i thought my mother and her siblings were making up things
up about their mother/stepmother. I loved my grandmother dearly until
my 18th birthday when she showed me her true colors and I was very hurt
by her. At least with the other grandparents I was used to it. ~~


I don't want my kids "used to" bad behavior. If they'll "see it
eventually", better late than early. Why on earth would you want a
young child to be exposed to hurtful behavior in order to learn the
true colors of people that act ugly? It's our job to protect them from
that until they can protect themselves.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Nancy

--- In [email protected], "Vanessa" <psychomom95@...>
wrote:
>
> Hi,
>
> I have a question. How do you get family members to quit insisting
> that we take our kids over to see their grandparents? (my hubby's
> parents)
>
> My kids do not want to see them, yet my brother in-law keeps
> insisting that we take them over there. My dh has had a talk with
> his brother telling him that his parents will ooh and ahhh over
> other peoples kids (ones that are in the family) right in front of
> my kids, and not pay any attention to mine.
>
> Are kids at ages 9 and 11 ok to make up their own minds to not want
> to see their grandparents? I don't want to force them to go,
> because I feel that it will backfire on my husband. My kids have
> never had a relationship with my in-laws, but have always had one
> with my parents who live 550 miles away from us. The ones here in
> town never call, and are always too busy to see the kids. We did
> invite them to school functions when my kids were in ps, and they
> went to a few, but not many. I would always have to explain to my
> kids why their grandparents wouldn't come, and I found myself in
the
> middle, and trying to find reasons why. It came to the point of us
> not inviting my in-laws to any school funtion. It was easier,
since
> they showed no interest.
>
> Any help on this would be greatly appreciated. They love my
> parents, and love visiting them. It's not the same with their
other
> grandparents.
>
> Thanks!!!
>
> Vanessa
-------
>
Hi Everyone.
I have a similiar situation, except it's regarding my brother.
He has been somewhat violent in the past including sexual abuse
toward me when we were kids. Although he has seemed to 'mellow' a
bit as an adult (we're in our thirties now), I can't and won't trust
him, ESPECIALLY with my children. The thing is, my mother lives with
him and will 'beg' me to allow him in my life, in which I'll say "I'm
sorry, I can't do that." A few months will pass and then she'll do
it again - "That's water under the bridge." "Blood is thicker than
water", "You might need him someday". "He loves those kids!". You
name the cliche' or bit of emotional blackmail, and she's done it or
said it. I love my mom, and so do my kids, but I can't stand this
pressure. My family had lived in Washington State - my mother and
brother moved up there from California, against my wishes and now my
family and I live in Texas. The move wasn't completely related to my
brother living too close, but it WAS a motivation. I'd like her to
come down and visit us sometime (alone of course), but that's
difficult too because my husband really can't stand her anymore
because of what she's put me through.
Sorry for the babbling, but any suggestions would be appreciated.

-Nancy

Schafer Vanessa

Ren,

Even though I didn't make the comment about wanting my
children to be exposed to it, I agree with you. I
have also been accused by my in-laws of being over
protective of my children. This from the same people
who live on a busy road, and started laughing when my
son ran towards the road, and then fell, and scraped
his lip.

I don't like all of the negativity, and because they
had been in ps for so long, unfortunately they were
exposed to all kinds of behaviors that were tolerated,
but shouldn't have been.

Keeping my children away from the negativity, and
nosieness that comes from my in-laws is the best thing
that I can do for them. Unfortunately my husband
won't see it the same way, because they are his
parents. I did tell them once that they were
grandparents, and we were their parents, and that we
would raise them how we saw fit. Unfortunately, it
went in one ear and out the other.

The only reason I never said anything to them about
how they treated me or my children, is because when I
was growing up, I was always taught to respect people.
I just wish my in-laws would lay off everything, and
respect me. (Not going to happen, that's why they are
not allowed at my house, unless I'm not home.).
--- Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:

> ~~
> If you don't expose them when they are young, they
> will hear it
> eventually. i thought my mother and her siblings
> were making up things
> up about their mother/stepmother. I loved my
> grandmother dearly until
> my 18th birthday when she showed me her true colors
> and I was very hurt
> by her. At least with the other grandparents I was
> used to it. ~~
>
>
> I don't want my kids "used to" bad behavior. If
> they'll "see it
> eventually", better late than early. Why on earth
> would you want a
> young child to be exposed to hurtful behavior in
> order to learn the
> true colors of people that act ugly? It's our job to
> protect them from
> that until they can protect themselves.
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>
>


Vanessa




____________________________________________________________________________________
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Schafer Vanessa

You are right, she is not worth it, and it took me
many years to figure that out. Part of it is my fault
for allowing her to do this to me, but I also blame
her. She thinks everyone is entitled to her opinion,
whether they want it or not.

She did at one time go through our mail while we were
gone, and throw away things that she didn't think were
important. She did tell me that she would be the
perfect mil, and not offer any advice/tell me what to
do, but she lied. She had done this to me for the
past 15 years (even before I married her son.).

I never want to be the kind of mil that she is to me.
I don't have a relationship with her, and I think she
burned that bridge permanently.

Thanks for all of the help.
--- ohpurple1@... wrote:

>
> In a message dated 4/3/2007 6:04:24 AM Eastern
> Standard Time,
> psychomom95@... writes:
>
> Most of the mean comments are directed at me, and
> when
> my mil told me she should take a picture of my clean
> floor (who really has a super duper clean floor with
> kids in the house?) on Christmas Eve, that was the
> straw that broke the camels back.
>
> What if you had responded by saying that you enjoy
> having a clean floor too
> and left it at that? Don't let her get to you or
> let rude comments like that
> be your last straw. She's not worth it.
>
> I believe it was Audrey Hepburn who said that no one
> can make us feel
> inferior without our permission. If my MIL said
> anything about my floor I'd giggle
> and let her know that if its an issue for her, she
> is free to get on her knees
> and scrub it. I'd even invite her to come by daily
> to keep up with the floor.
> I'd probably start calling her grandma-rella and
> break into song. Years ago
> when we moved from FL to my MIL's town I read Phil
> McGraw's Life Strategies. I
> didn't retain much from the book except that we have
> the power to set up
> relationships the way we want. Set things up so it
> works for you.
>
> Because words can hurt deeply and can leave a
> lasting stain, if someone ever
> called my kid fat I'd remind my child that he/she is
> PERFECT and tell that
> person that it isn't nice to say mean things to
> people. If you want a subtle jab
> at the *abuser's* ignorance you might ignore the
> person who said it and speak
> to them through your child: Sorry about Grandpa
> being so mean, someone must
> have been very mean to him for him to have learned
> to treat others like that.
>
> We have a 180 LB 10 year old in our neighborhood who
> has been one of my
> scouts for 5 years. I've watched her go from a
> sweet, gentle kid to a mean, nasty,
> hostile, hateful young girl. She has sustained
> years of cruelty and abuse
> and it really does make for a very unhappy person.
> Mean people suck but it
> helps to remind ourselves that they have a lot of
> baggage. I remind myself daily
> that she needs to be treated with a gentle heart but
> sometimes I want to wring
> her neck! Same with my MIL and SIL. They are
> messed up, unhappy people.
> Pitiful people. Just another reason to be grateful
> that we're not!
>
> Peace and don't let her get to you and if she tries,
> stop her in her tracks!
>
> Good luck,
>
> Robin, who plans to be a great MIL someday.
>
>
>
> ************************************** See what's
> free at http://www.aol.com
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>


Vanessa




____________________________________________________________________________________
Don't pick lemons.
See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos.
http://autos.yahoo.com/new_cars.html

Sylvia Toyama

I don't want my kids "used to" bad behavior. If they'll "see it eventually", better late than early. Why on earth would you want a young child to be exposed to hurtful behavior in order to learn the true colors of people that act ugly? It's our job to protect them from that until they can protect themselves.

Ren

****

I didn't read that post to mean kids should be exposed to people being mean because we can't protect them from it forever. I took it to mean, Mom doesn't need to feel like she should present the grandparents (and others) as if they're nice, good people when they aren't.

I'd never tell my kids what exactly was said if their grandparents say unkind things about them -- and that has happened where both my parents are concerned. I also, tho, don't go out of my way to tell them Zayde and G'ma Toni are wonderful people who love them endlessly - because that simply isn't true. My parents aren't particularly safe people, emotionally. My Mom will turn on you in a minute if you piss her off -- it's just her way. My Dad is narcissistic, and only 'loves' others (even his kids) to the extent we/they fit his expectations and aggrandize him in ways he needs.

All that said, I love both my parents and my kids do see them (tho Mama and I aren't keeping up these days). There is good to be had in both those relationships, even if sometimes the only good thing is an object lesson in how not to be, and what kind of people you may run into in adulthood. There's also the historical 'where we come from' value in knowing their grandparents. I walk a fine line, in my attempts to give both my kids and my parents what I think will bless them -- buy my loyalty is always with my kids.

It's much harder with my inlaws. They're neither narcissistic nor mean-spirited/bitter. They are very mainstream and my mil is quite clueless about why anyone would ever make an alternative choice. But, we're making progress. Just last week, she sent an email to Gary congratulating him on his Class A Truck Driver's license -- and he could see she is genuinely pleased/proud for him. Huge progress, because just a few years ago, she was truly bewildered as to why he'd want to be a truck driver -- the way you'd ask someone why they'd want to give up electricity or living indoors.

With them, the grandhchild issue is more one of what I call benevolent malpractice -- they don't understand why we'd do what we do, and think we're wrong. Not because they wnat to bully us or tell us we're wrong, but they genuinely don't understand, tho they'd like to. So, they make inappropriate suggestions, out of a real desire to help us have what they naturally believe is best.

We've just decided to invite them for a visit later this year -- they had called asking if one of the boys might be interested in a month in Hawaii this summer, but neither boy wants to go alone. Andy has been alone three times and prefers to have us there to advocate for him; Dan just doesn't know his grandparents well enough to go alone. Having both boys -- without us -- isn't really an option for them in their late 70's, which is why they invited only one boy (at our choice). The inviting one child thing was hard to for me to understand the first time or two it came around (they hosted Will one summer, too, when he was 13), but they only had Gary, so they've never 'raised' two kids at a time. They did host a trio of 13yo cousins about 18 yrs ago -- but they were much younger then, too.

If they come for a visit, there will be no keeping unschooling under wraps -- we've not even used the "u" word with them -- Gary is convinced his Mom would literally have a heart attack <g> but he's bracing for that if/when they visit next.

Sylvia



---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie Peters

Sounds so similar to us. Except that it is my parents that the kids
(13 & 10) don't want anything to do with. They do have a very
strong relationship with DH's family 550 miles away and we only get
to see them twice a year!

My parents live 10 minutes away, my mom works at our bank, and my
dad is a postman. You would think we would see them all the time.
But the reality is, if it is not "anally" scheduled down to the last
detail 2 months in advance, you can forget it...even then there's
only a slim chance.

We've tried numerous times to invite them to things...picnics,
plays, scouts, surgeries, etc. but there is always some other family
(church, strangers, neighbors) that is more important/urgent, so
they cancel.

And IF we did happen to get together, it was a power struggle with
the kids. DS won't sit still and be quiet so he gets what my
parents call "reprimanded"...in other words lectured for
hours...literally, and it may be followed by "chastisement"...in
other words spanking! (My DD has always been their favorite and she
rarely gets the same treatment...especially since she is not quite
as hyper and inquisitive as DS.)

The bad thing is DH and I felt powerless, because it would always
start out with "when you are in nana/papa's house, these are the
rules or THIS is how you WILL behave if you want to be here/with
us". Because we don't have those rules at our house DH and I don't
enforce them...so my parents don't even consult us, they just take
punishment into their own hands. Many times we don't find out about
it for weeks after it happened because the kids think they've really
done something bad and are afraid to talk about it!

And what really sets me off, is that they will BRAG about the kids
until the cows come home to everyone and anyone who will stnad still
long enough to hear!!!! What right do they have to brag if they
don't "know" the kids!!?? What bragging rights do they have to say
how well the kids behave/are raised, when they undermine everthing
we do (and they certainly haven't spent enough time with the kids to
say that *they* have rasised them)!!!??? Ugh, that just bugs me so
much! Especially, if me or DH goes to mention the kids to someone
and they've aready heard the story! Am I jealous? Maybe. But I
sure would like to be the first to compliment my kids than the last
one in the loop, so to speak. So we started withholding
information/updates on the kids from my parents...how sad is that?

Last summer I finally got the guts to address the on going problem.
It was really tough, even though most of the conversation was held
in emails (since that is the only way we can ever get a "real"
response from them).

I mentioned EVERYHTING that had left a sour taste since DH and I got
married. Even down to the fact that my DS was 5 YEARS old before
they kept him without me or DH being there. And that was only
because my DH's father passed away and we had to make an emergency
trip and didn't feel it was appropriate for the kids to come. DH
walked into the bank and TOLD my mom we were going to OH and THEY
were GOING to keep the kids, no options!

Some may think bringing everything up isn't wise, but my parents are
VERY dense. We have bluntly said things to them, hoping that it
will cultivate a conversation, the problem be addressed, and elicit
change. Instead, they really thought we were talking about someone
else...DH's family maybe, but certainly not them, even though we
use "YOU". So I felt that I must to put everything out there and in
context...to Spark their memory since there was a lot of "we've
never said/done/felt that".

I was able to get my "resentments" off my chest and feel like I was
meeting them half way...because if they didn't know there was a
problem then how would it ever change? The ball was in their court
now...it's up to them to want to come half way too.

At the end of all my emailed novels, we arranged to meet to discuss
everything. Going face-to-face was hard but it really wasn't so bad
once I pinned down what I needed and wanted from them. In jist, I
asked them if they wanted to leave the kids a legacy of "schedules
and lectures" or of "memories and love". They seemed to take it
well and so things improved.

We agreed to have 1 night a month as a family night and for them to
start having a relationship with the kids. That meant making more
effort to attend the kids' invitations, spending kid-to-grandparent
time like fishing/picnics/etc., and keeping the kids over night on
occasion (so DH and I could have an anniversary/birthday date
without a curfew/having to come home...something we hadn't had since
our honeymoon).

Well, things improved for about 2-3 months...actually,
they "improved" so much that we didn't know who these people
were...to the point of annoying! We didn't have any privacy, we
were constantly getting calls, emails, drop-ins, "let's make a
date", "how about lunch", etc. Don't get me wrong...we did want
SOME of that, just not dumped on us all at once. Sometimes I feel
like they were purposely trying to annoy us, just to sabotage the
whole thing...and if that's the case...it certainly worked!

We had talked in October and by the end of February everything went
back to the way it always had been. We had a family night in Nov.
and Dec., Jan. was too hectic. Feb. they came to a Scout meeting.
Since then...nothing. No more planning family nights, no more
anything. The only thing that has lasted is DD and nana do "art
lessons" every other Thursday night...which bugs me since as I
mentioned, DD was always their favorite of the 2 kids. On the flip
side, DD isn't really into it that much, she likes art so she goes
for that...not really for nana.

Mind you, I am somewhat relieved because I don't know how much more
of the "friendly parents" I could have taken. But now DH, the kids
and I are "over" wanting a relationship with my parents. We decided
it would be better to not see them, feel some resentment and be/feel
honest, then to see them and everything be/feel fake.

We've simply chalked up their "behavior" as ignorance. We figure,
someday they will look back and wonder where their "grandbabies"
went. That they will realize they were the ones who let them slip
away with all their rules and schedules. That there was a time when
they had been given the chance to "get back" what they ere "loosing"
but they still chose their "old-habits" over our kids.

I'll feel sad when they go through that time, but I will not feel
guilty for the choices they made. I did what I felt was right...I
confronted the problem, offered resolution, and stepped back. Now
that their choice is clear, I have no worries about doing what is
best for our family...even if it doesn't include nana/papa.

Now all this doesn't mean that we don't ever speak or see my
parents. But now, we are more aware of the "pseudo-relationship"
going on and know not to try to seek out a meaningful relationship
with them anymore.

Julie Peters

Julie Peters

Oh, and my parents are not allowed in my house, yard, or driveway!

If they need to deliver something/someone or talk...I insist on
their house or neutral ground.

Even though my parents won't "say" anything....they get
this "expression" on their faces and seem to "snoop" around for
things *they* don't approve of...even to the point of not sitting on
the furniture without wiping it first. (I assure you, none of our
friends feel the need to wipe-off the couch cushions/chairs.)

Then sometime in the future they'll make statements like, "you just
HAVE to make cleaning a priority".

I'm sorry, KIDS are the priority at our house.

Cleaning won't grow up and move out...so it can wait!

Once my kids grow up and move out, I'm going to wish they would
track mud all over the house again!

Julie Peters

Nancy,
I completely understand what you are going through. My bio-dad went
to prison when I was 11 for incest. I was in my early 20's when he
was released and moved back to MY town (he was on the other side of
the state...over 6 hours away). I was a basket case and vowed he
would never lay eyes on my children. I begged my DH to move
away...we just had no way to make it work...we were stuck.

However, my grandmother (though very verbally abusive herself)
begged me to let him into our lives. She said that "he did his
time" and to "forgive and forget"...etc. etc. much of the same stuff
you probably hear/d.

It was the last straw when I discovered that my grandmother was
secretly sneaking my children to see him! She was supposed to be
babysitting while she ran some errands...what she failed to mention
was that her errands consisted of dropping off some groceries to my
bio-dad's apartment...while he was home!

Needless to say, I never let my children visit my grandmother
without me or DH being present again. We even stopped sending her
pictures because I didn't want my bio-dad to even know what my kids
looked like just in case he happened across them in public. It got
to the point that my DH had to ask my grandmother not even to talk
about him around me. After that I didn't hear from her again until
my bio-dad died in 2003...about 4 years!

After the funeral my grandmother started visiting again. But she
still was obsessed with my bio-dad and kept acting like he was still
alive...and that I should forgive him. Though I had grown and
healed a lot in the 4 year lapse, I was still uncomfortable with
conversation concering him. So again, DH had to ask my grandmother
to stop discussing him around me...and again we didn't hear from her
for another 3 years!

This last summer we helped my aunt to move her back to NJ and into a
retirement apartment complex. Cleaning out and packing up her TN
apartment was somewhat of a torment for me because it contained SO
MUCH of my bio-dad's stuff (he and she were/are extreme pack rats)
and of course that made grandma want to talk about her "darling". I
went over a few times without DH and all she would do is talk about
him and I couldn't get anything done...so I had to make sure I only
came over with DH...she wouldn't dare talk about such things with DH
there.

As hard as it was, I loved my children much more than I loved
my "family" ties. It was my duty to protect them from any threat I
saw fit. Though my bio-dad served his time for the state...that
didn't make what he did any less evil and him less distrustful. I
wasn't going to take any chances and put temptation (my kids) in his
path. And even though grandma never physically harmed anyone,
her "white-washing" was just as damaging to my healing. She thought
she was "protecting" her son but she didn't realize that she was
distroying her granddaughter...and it seemed like she didn't even
care.

Even a rabid dog can behave well enough to get someone to come close
enough to bite! Call me harsh, but I just don't belive sexual
preditors can "change" or be cured...not even with all the therapy
in the world. It's a flaw in their souls that they have no control
over and once they've assaulted there is no going back...dorment
periods, yes...but no going back, it only gets worse
(excalation)...by my opinion and statistical evidence. I would
rather play safe than sorry!

If you have uneasy feelings about that person that is all you need
to justify your stance. Talk to your mom honestly and let her know
exactly what you feel and think...she might just come around.

If not, tell her that she is welcome in your home anytime...IF she
promises to leave your brother out of the conversations. Tell her
that you would appriciate her understanding your feelings and the
decision not to persue a relationship with your brother. Then thank
her for cooperating with your wishes in advance because you would
hate to have to break ties with her. And if she doesn't cooperate
first offer a reminder...second time, break ties for a while.

Remember you're not asking her to "give up" your brother...you're
just asking her not to "share" him with your family.

But that is just my perspective...
Julie Peters

Schafer Vanessa

I agree with you. Kids will always come first here.

My in-laws don't call or come over unless I'm gone. I
used to put up with them making comments on how the
house was kept, and when we lived in the trailer, they
would come over and say they would bring a bulldozer
over so they could find a place to sit. My house, and
trailer have never been that messy. My kids had lots
of toys, but I looked at it as ways for them to learn,
and have fun.

My mil came over a couple of years ago, to borrow
something from dh for his brother. Dh let her come in
the house, and she had to comment on the paint color I
chose for my kitchen. I don't need her approval or
ask for it. I don't care what she thinks, it's my
house, and we will decorate it how we want.

I did talk to my fil once and told him what my
problems were, and he said nothing. My husband even
talked to both of his parents (mainly his mom) and
told her I didn't like the constant advice, and didn't
want it. It wasn't only that, but the mean spirited
comments she would make to me, when dh wasn't there.
I would tell him, and he would just shrug it off,
until she made a comment about my clean floor, and
taking a picture of it. That ended dh's side of the
family Christmas at my house. I worked my butt off,
and all I would get is complaints about something I
didn't do right, or something I didn't have to serve.
I finally couldn't take it anymore. In fact, I came
close to telling them to leave on Christmas Eve,
before everyone else came over.

Now because of their non-involvement with my kids
(ages 9 and 11), my kids want nothing to do with them.
Kids are alot smarter than some adults give them
credit for. I am proud of my kids for standing up for
what they feel is right.


--- Julie Peters <julieannpeters@...> wrote:

> Oh, and my parents are not allowed in my house,
> yard, or driveway!
>
> If they need to deliver something/someone or
> talk...I insist on
> their house or neutral ground.
>
> Even though my parents won't "say" anything....they
> get
> this "expression" on their faces and seem to "snoop"
> around for
> things *they* don't approve of...even to the point
> of not sitting on
> the furniture without wiping it first. (I assure
> you, none of our
> friends feel the need to wipe-off the couch
> cushions/chairs.)
>
> Then sometime in the future they'll make statements
> like, "you just
> HAVE to make cleaning a priority".
>
> I'm sorry, KIDS are the priority at our house.
>
> Cleaning won't grow up and move out...so it can
> wait!
>
> Once my kids grow up and move out, I'm going to wish
> they would
> track mud all over the house again!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


Vanessa




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Lisa

I could write an entire 30 volume series on horrible inlaws (ok just
one horrible father in law) but I won't. I will, however, recommend
that anyone having issues in this area read the book "Toxic Inlaws"
(there is also one titled Toxic Parents). Toxic Inlaws gives
something like 5 or 6 categories of toxicity that inlaws can bring
into our lives if we allow it.... my father in law fit clearly and
definitely in ALL but ONE category... that's how psychotic he is!!
The most liberating thing I ever read was in this book which clearly
states that as the daughter in law or son in law etc we do NOT have
to LOVE our inlaws! I had felt so lacking and so small because I
could not love this man who was verbally, physically,and emotionally
abusive to my husband and although not physically abusive to me and
my children he was verbally and emotionally abusive if we were around
him for more than 5 minutes on many occassions. I really felt that
I should feel bad for him that he was such a miserable human being
but I just couldn't after years of watching him attack my family I
had nothing left for him at all... I can't even work up a good
old "hate your guts" for this pathetic man these days. It felt
wonderful to be validated by this book by being told I could feel
sorry that our relationship wasn't better but I didn't have to love
him and I didn't have to feel bad for not allowing him access to my
family.
I did protect my children from this man and he still found ways to
hurt them, I was careful for a long time not to say negative things
about him because I think that every human has the right to have a
chance to change and to present that changed person to the world.
After him showing time and time again he was not to be trusted it
became my JOB to keep him away from my children no matter what. My
kids don't trust him nor do they want to be around him at all... we
have an occasional visit with him (we never are alone at his house
with him and control every second of any visit he pays to our house)
My kids will say hello and then disappear to do their own thing. My
husband used to try to force them to sit and visit because he felt
that was the polite thing to do ... during one visit he told my
oldest that he didn't think we had made any arrangements to pay for
her college so she should look for a scholarship (not sure where he
gets the idea that we are destitute other than us not taking his
money) and then told my second oldest basically that she should do a
vet tech program at a community college because she wouldn't be able
to get into a veternarian program (he is bitter because he didn't
have the chops for it) I was very proud of my future vet who looked
him in the eye and told him very clearly that she would be a vet if
that's what she wanted to do. My husband's aunt and uncle constantly
tell him how he should call his dad, he should visit etc etc etc. He
calls this man every single Saturday and visits him more frequently
than I like (most times we do not join him in the visit) but his
family is given the impression that we never have contact with him at
all. My husband finally told his aunt and uncle that he was sure
phones worked both ways and that his father had to drive right by our
house to visit his sister who he visits frequently so it was an equal
opportunity "give a damn" and that the subject was closed for
discussion! It's so hard to cut people like that out of your
life... mental illness is a sad thing especially for those that are
so psychotic they think everyone else is crazy and they are the
normal ones!
Lisa B

Cameron Parham

I have been helped by the simple, direct book Children of the Self-Absorbed. Mostly a manual with coping skills/self preservation tactics. Very short book. Hope it helps here! Cameron

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