[email protected]

In a message dated 3/27/2007 8:41:53 A.M. Central Daylight Time,
beautifulsassyprincess@... writes:

I try
really hard to help them navigate their worlds.



I haven't posted before but have been unschooling and reading several
unschooling lists for a long time now. I have unlearned a lot in regards to
parenting and being with my son who is 7. So I kind of know what not to do now but
am having a hard time knowing what to do! I am specifically talking about
helping him in social situations. I myself am clueless socially and so I don't
know how to guide him. He and I are both shy and take a while to warm up.
There are no kids in our neighborhood and so we make every effort to get
together whenever we can with our local homeschool group and sports, etc. He LOVES
being with the kids. But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he finds his
way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling that if he knew
how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed to say it but I don't know
what to tell him because I don't know how to do it either. I always wait for
someone to invite me in. So I suppose my question is twofold - what are some
specific ideas I can give him for meeting people and where do I learn those
kind of skills in order to give him those tools? Reading the discussion
about teaching your kids HOW to work things out really struck a chord with me - I
wasn't ever taught and I am still 40 years later trying to "get" it but I am
worried that I never will and I don't want my son to struggle with the same
relational stuff. Help?
Thanks!
Julie



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plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], mfinc81642@... wrote:
> > But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
> kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually,
he finds his
> way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling that
if he knew
> how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed to say it but
I don't know
> what to tell him because I don't know how to do it either.

Actually, he knows what to do and is doing it successfully. What you
describe is a real learning style for social situations - its just
not one that's valued very often. I think of this as "social-
observant" rather than "shy" or "slow to warm". He watches until he
understands ehough of what's going on to participate. He's probably
also making note of who's nice, who's mean, who likes to play with
little kids and who prefers to hang out with big'uns and figuring
out how he's going to fit it. He may not be able to verbalize any of
that - its an internal process.

My dd is very much like this, and so am I. Once I realized that this
wasn't a social defect but a learning style I started observing my
kid and seeing what she was doing "just watching". Now I have much
more confidence in my own ability to observe - and I've started to
feel good about what I'm doing, rather than decrying what I'm not
suited to do. I'm not "holding back" - I'm looking before I leap.

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

Tracy J Wagner

It is so nice to hear someone say something that is not negative about being
*shy*. My daughter is what some would call painfully shy, but so am I and
her father. I am so tired of it being seen as a character flaw in her. It
seemed at school they wanted me to believe she was struggling and having a
hard time and to work with her at home everyday learning sight words,
learning letters not in abc order etc. But the truth is she would not tell
them orally not written or point to, she doesn't talk much unless she feels
comfortable with you. I love this about her, she's not going to walk off
with anyone but me if we are somewhere, my oldest dd loved everyone, I used
to worry about her walking off with someone, never did. But I realized they
were making her feel bad for not talking, getting walked in by me every
morning, they hated that but I said to bad. SHe is home now though and
loving it. We are all kind of homebodies, all our family think we're wierd.
Oh well.
tracy
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of plaidpanties666
Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 7:53 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re:helping kids navigate socially


--- In [email protected], mfinc81642@... wrote:
> > But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
> kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually,
he finds his
> way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling that
if he knew
> how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed to say it but
I don't know
> what to tell him because I don't know how to do it either.

Actually, he knows what to do and is doing it successfully. What you
describe is a real learning style for social situations - its just
not one that's valued very often. I think of this as "social-
observant" rather than "shy" or "slow to warm". He watches until he
understands ehough of what's going on to participate. He's probably
also making note of who's nice, who's mean, who likes to play with
little kids and who prefers to hang out with big'uns and figuring
out how he's going to fit it. He may not be able to verbalize any of
that - its an internal process.

My dd is very much like this, and so am I. Once I realized that this
wasn't a social defect but a learning style I started observing my
kid and seeing what she was doing "just watching". Now I have much
more confidence in my own ability to observe - and I've started to
feel good about what I'm doing, rather than decrying what I'm not
suited to do. I'm not "holding back" - I'm looking before I leap.

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 3/27/2007 6:54:03 P.M. Central Daylight Time,
plaidpanties666@... writes:

Actually, he knows what to do and is doing it successfully. What you
describe is a real learning style for social situations - its just
not one that's valued very often. I think of this as "social-
observant" rather than "shy" or "slow to warm".


Meredith, I can not tell you how much those sentences knocked down some
walls for me! I am so glad I put that question out there. Unschoolers rule!
Julie



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

quinnannalisesmom

In _The Highly Sensitive Child_, Elaine Aron describes that some people
have a strong "pause to check" system and others have a
strong "behavioral activation" or "go for it" system. And there are
many people in between, of course. She uses an example of the two
types of deer in a herd increasing the odds that the herd will
survive. The "pause to check" deer would look out for predators before
entering a meadow. The "go for it" deer would jump in to eat the green
grass. Both systems have benefits, and neither is wrong.

caradove

I am specifically talking about
> helping him in social situations. I myself am clueless socially
and so I don't
> know how to guide him. He and I are both shy and take a while to
warm up.

hello there, Just a thought here, if he is happy to watch on the
perimeter before jumping in to play that may be just his way of
being.If you are shy it doesn't mean you are clueless
socially.Sometimes shy people get treated badly in school(I am
guessing most of us have had a schooled experience) and get pushed to
be other than they are( I am thinking of my sister,I am very outgoing
and she used to be quietly sucking her thumb and not speaking) Shy
doesn't always mean lacking confidence,taking a while to warm up is
not a bad thing!! Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child? There is
a lot about introvert and extrovert people and how to recognize and
respect each others ways of being, Moms and kids.
All the best,
Cara

> There are no kids in our neighborhood and so we make every effort
to get
> together whenever we can with our local homeschool group and
sports, etc. He LOVES
> being with the kids. But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the
group of
> kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually,
he finds his
> way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling that if
he knew
> how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed to say it but I
don't know
> what to tell him because I don't know how to do it either. I
always wait for
> someone to invite me in. So I suppose my question is twofold - what
are some
> specific ideas I can give him for meeting people and where do I
learn those
> kind of skills in order to give him those tools? Reading the
discussion
> about teaching your kids HOW to work things out really struck a
chord with me - I
> wasn't ever taught and I am still 40 years later trying to "get" it
but I am
> worried that I never will and I don't want my son to struggle with
the same
> relational stuff. Help?
> Thanks!
> Julie
>
>
>
> ************************************** AOL now offers free email to
everyone.
> Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann

jlh44music

mfinc81642@... wrote:
> But at the Park Days, he kind of follows the group of
kids around and stands on the perimeter and watches. Eventually, he
finds his way in and plays and has a great time but I have a feeling
that if he knew how to jump in sooner, he would. I am embarrassed
to say it but I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how
to do it either. I always wait for someone to invite me in. So I
suppose my question is twofold - what are some specific ideas I can
give him for meeting people and where do I learn those kind of
skills in order to give him those tools?>

This is my dd (14). She has ALWAYS stood on the sidelines and
watched. I used to worry about it until I read "The Highly Sensitive
Child (there's also the Highly Sensitive Person) www.hsperson.com
and "Upside Down Brilliance: The Visual Spatial Learner"
www.visualspatial.org (the book is out of print but you might be able
to get it at the library). Both books answered so many questions
and I was able to stop worrying (read that to mean, in part, "that I
was doing something wrong"). I HIGHLY recommend both books, a huge
cloud of doom was lifted off my head!
Jann