fears
[email protected]
My stepson is 7 and is having a very hard time at night. He's got a lot of
fears in general. And actually, I should say that it's mostly at night, but
often during the day time too. He gets freaked out and won't go in his bedroom
or the bathroom. It could be 10am and this still happens.
We are an AP family with our youngest who is pretty high needs - which means
he takes a lot of my time. He's my first and we didn't come to AP or the idea
of unschooling (which isn't an option with stepson for various reasons -
basically not our choice) until DS was born. So, certainly we did things more
"mainstream" and are doing this differently with DS.
I'm sort of stuck. I don't know what to do exactly. He has trouble during
the day and at night. We leave a lamp on in his room (his request) and his
door wide open (his request) to help at night but he still wakes up several times
a week with nightmares. He has various little rituals that he does to
attempt to make things better for himself, but it doesn't seem to work (special
blankets, pictures of special people, etc.). I've read lots of books on AP but
haven't found anything about what to do if a child wasn't raised AP. Then what?
What do you do to back track and help them from where you are? How can I
help him get through all the many fears he has. Night time fears, daytime
fears, fears of bugs of all kinds and certain animals and activities. It becomes
so frustrating sometimes because I just don't know what to do with him and it
seems like he's afraid of everything. Any ideas?
Beth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
fears in general. And actually, I should say that it's mostly at night, but
often during the day time too. He gets freaked out and won't go in his bedroom
or the bathroom. It could be 10am and this still happens.
We are an AP family with our youngest who is pretty high needs - which means
he takes a lot of my time. He's my first and we didn't come to AP or the idea
of unschooling (which isn't an option with stepson for various reasons -
basically not our choice) until DS was born. So, certainly we did things more
"mainstream" and are doing this differently with DS.
I'm sort of stuck. I don't know what to do exactly. He has trouble during
the day and at night. We leave a lamp on in his room (his request) and his
door wide open (his request) to help at night but he still wakes up several times
a week with nightmares. He has various little rituals that he does to
attempt to make things better for himself, but it doesn't seem to work (special
blankets, pictures of special people, etc.). I've read lots of books on AP but
haven't found anything about what to do if a child wasn't raised AP. Then what?
What do you do to back track and help them from where you are? How can I
help him get through all the many fears he has. Night time fears, daytime
fears, fears of bugs of all kinds and certain animals and activities. It becomes
so frustrating sometimes because I just don't know what to do with him and it
seems like he's afraid of everything. Any ideas?
Beth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
eriksmama2001
Would you consider co-sleeping with the 7 year old? I have heard that
with adopted children that "atachment parenting" is an actual
philosophy recommended and esposed to integrating and developing
trusting relationships with new parents. Perhaps the same type of
philosophy of rapid response and non-separation will build the rungs
of the trust ladder for him.
I think of trust as a ladder, if a rung ever does not support you
then you have to keep checking its integrity every time, for a long
while again until you trust that the rungs will always be there. I
didn't learn trust in childhood. I am learning it by consciously
trusting my son. You already have the philosophy and skills and
integrity, he just must test it a long time before he trusts it. The
process is happening even if you don't see learning. Just like
unschooling, learning happens even when we don't have tangible tests
to prove it.
You might check on-line for attachment parenting adopted children to
get more concrete suggestions for an older child's adjustment and
development of trust.
Pat
with adopted children that "atachment parenting" is an actual
philosophy recommended and esposed to integrating and developing
trusting relationships with new parents. Perhaps the same type of
philosophy of rapid response and non-separation will build the rungs
of the trust ladder for him.
I think of trust as a ladder, if a rung ever does not support you
then you have to keep checking its integrity every time, for a long
while again until you trust that the rungs will always be there. I
didn't learn trust in childhood. I am learning it by consciously
trusting my son. You already have the philosophy and skills and
integrity, he just must test it a long time before he trusts it. The
process is happening even if you don't see learning. Just like
unschooling, learning happens even when we don't have tangible tests
to prove it.
You might check on-line for attachment parenting adopted children to
get more concrete suggestions for an older child's adjustment and
development of trust.
Pat
--- In [email protected], Bethryco@a... wrote:
> My stepson is 7 and is having a very hard time at night. He's got
a lot of
> fears in general. And actually, I should say that it's mostly at
night, but
> often during the day time too. He gets freaked out and won't go in
his bedroom
> or the bathroom. It could be 10am and this still happens.
>
> We are an AP family with our youngest who is pretty high needs -
which means
> he takes a lot of my time. He's my first and we didn't come to AP
or the idea
> of unschooling (which isn't an option with stepson for various
reasons -
> basically not our choice) until DS was born. So, certainly we did
things more
> "mainstream" and are doing this differently with DS.
>
> I'm sort of stuck. I don't know what to do exactly. He has
trouble during
> the day and at night. We leave a lamp on in his room (his request)
and his
> door wide open (his request) to help at night but he still wakes up
several times
> a week with nightmares. He has various little rituals that he does
to
> attempt to make things better for himself, but it doesn't seem to
work (special
> blankets, pictures of special people, etc.). I've read lots of
books on AP but
> haven't found anything about what to do if a child wasn't raised
AP. Then what?
> What do you do to back track and help them from where you are?
How can I
> help him get through all the many fears he has. Night time fears,
daytime
> fears, fears of bugs of all kinds and certain animals and
activities. It becomes
> so frustrating sometimes because I just don't know what to do with
him and it
> seems like he's afraid of everything. Any ideas?
>
> Beth
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn Coburn
<<<<I've read lots of books on AP but
haven't found anything about what to do if a child wasn't raised AP. Then
what? What do you do to back track and help them from where you are? How
can I help him get through all the many fears he has. Night time fears,
daytime fears, fears of bugs of all kinds and certain animals and
activities. It becomes so frustrating sometimes because I just don't know
what to do with him and it seems like he's afraid of everything. Any
ideas?>>>>
I don't know whether it is necessary or possible to backtrack, unless you
want to apologize to him for punishing him any particular time - if that
even applies. I think you have to honor where he is right now.
When Jayn is afraid, we honor her fear, and do whatever we need to in order
to help her feel better including: picking her up (she is 4.5 and probably
considerably smaller than your son); walking the long way around the scary
object or person; turning on the lights; stomping on the bug; carrying a
flashlight even in the house (and she has her own collection of flashlights
and lanterns); playacting fantasies of her invention where she is the
powerful "scary" creature or the hero/saviour; being with her to watch
similar but less scary versions of the scary thing as much as she wants(eg
she is terrified of the evil villains and larger costumed characters at
Disneyland, but still wants to watch the dvd's and have the dolls); walking
in and out of movies and live performances as much as she wants, listening
from the foyer, and doing a lot of peeking through the door.
Jayn's fears include small dogs (improving), bugs, roaches, gnats and flies,
snails, sometimes the dark, Disney villains in the flesh, the explosions in
movies, and live theater. This last has improved with both Disney on Ice and
her dance recital, which she was able to watch most of this year. I think it
was a combination of loudness from the actors, a large dark echoey space,
and crowds. She also does way better in an empty cinema than a full one.
She also gets nervous in situations where there is a physical challenge that
may be beyond her readiness, like the slide is too tall, or the waves are
too big. Again in that kind of situation we never push, or even encourage,
but allow her to make the decision without disappointment from either of us.
This is part of why she now swims like crazy, jumps in, and is learning to
do a somersault and dive to the bottom. If she ever gets stuck at the top of
something, I go and rescue her without rancour. At the same time I stay
cheerful and don't ever say a generalized "Be careful".
Robyn L. Coburn
---
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haven't found anything about what to do if a child wasn't raised AP. Then
what? What do you do to back track and help them from where you are? How
can I help him get through all the many fears he has. Night time fears,
daytime fears, fears of bugs of all kinds and certain animals and
activities. It becomes so frustrating sometimes because I just don't know
what to do with him and it seems like he's afraid of everything. Any
ideas?>>>>
I don't know whether it is necessary or possible to backtrack, unless you
want to apologize to him for punishing him any particular time - if that
even applies. I think you have to honor where he is right now.
When Jayn is afraid, we honor her fear, and do whatever we need to in order
to help her feel better including: picking her up (she is 4.5 and probably
considerably smaller than your son); walking the long way around the scary
object or person; turning on the lights; stomping on the bug; carrying a
flashlight even in the house (and she has her own collection of flashlights
and lanterns); playacting fantasies of her invention where she is the
powerful "scary" creature or the hero/saviour; being with her to watch
similar but less scary versions of the scary thing as much as she wants(eg
she is terrified of the evil villains and larger costumed characters at
Disneyland, but still wants to watch the dvd's and have the dolls); walking
in and out of movies and live performances as much as she wants, listening
from the foyer, and doing a lot of peeking through the door.
Jayn's fears include small dogs (improving), bugs, roaches, gnats and flies,
snails, sometimes the dark, Disney villains in the flesh, the explosions in
movies, and live theater. This last has improved with both Disney on Ice and
her dance recital, which she was able to watch most of this year. I think it
was a combination of loudness from the actors, a large dark echoey space,
and crowds. She also does way better in an empty cinema than a full one.
She also gets nervous in situations where there is a physical challenge that
may be beyond her readiness, like the slide is too tall, or the waves are
too big. Again in that kind of situation we never push, or even encourage,
but allow her to make the decision without disappointment from either of us.
This is part of why she now swims like crazy, jumps in, and is learning to
do a somersault and dive to the bottom. If she ever gets stuck at the top of
something, I go and rescue her without rancour. At the same time I stay
cheerful and don't ever say a generalized "Be careful".
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.721 / Virus Database: 477 - Release Date: 7/16/2004
Wendy E
Childhood fears are pretty normal...and some children have them in
more profound ways than others. There could be underlying reasons
for certain fears, but most likely it is just his temperament and
the way he responds to things. My son is 5 1/2, who has been raised
AP from day one, has similar issues. It sort of ebbs and flows with
him...I have always likened it to be that his intellectual capacity
is ahead of his emotional capacity (this is just my interpretation
of it). Nonetheless, it can be very hard to watch your child being
fearful. I do hope we can help him alleviate these fears eventually
by just providing him with support, comfort and security....but it
does get very trying. Here is something from Dr. Sears's website:
7 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD HANDLE FEAR
Helping children overcome fears not only eases their anxieties, it
also provides an opportunity to build the parent-child relationship.
As you and your child work through fears together, he learns to
regard you as a valuable source of support.
1. Understand why children are afraid. Children do not think like
adults. Most of the world is unknown to the child; and children,
like adults, fear the unknown. The preschool child cannot reason
through each new experience and decide what's okay and what's
threatening. As if the real world were not scary enough, the ability
to form mental images, which develops from two to four years, opens
the world of magical thinking with its consequent fearful
fantasies . Two-to-four-year-old children are able to recreate
people, animals, and things, which they are exposed to in real life
mentally, and these mental images may be scarier than the real
thing. The cute daytime dinosaur may reappear in fantasy form as a
monster at night, producing the sleep disturbances so common at this
age.
The ability to imagine monsters without the ability to reason them
away as imaginary creatures results in a developmental stage where
little persons are likely to have big fears. Fears vary from child
to child. One child's fear is another's fascination. Some children
love to play with the vacuum cleaner. Other kids regard it as a
noisy monster that eats things. The school-age child becomes more
afraid of changes in relationships, danger, and health issues (e.g.,
being hit by a car, not being able to breathe, divorce of parents,
or death). Children become fearful at different ages, at different
intensities, and about different things.
In our family, once we started practicing sleep-sharing sixteen
years ago, we didn't have monsters in the bedroom, but Hayden and
Erin did go through a stage when they were scared of the dark . When
Matthew did not develop this fear, we wondered why. When it finally
did show up, he was old enough to understand an explanationwe told
him he was scared because his imagination was growing. He liked
being able to understand his fear, and it seems to us that he grew
out of it quickly.
Fear is one of the earliest emotions, and with a little help from
caregivers, the child can turn this unpleasant feeling into an
opportunity for emotional growth. Learning to deal with fears is one
of the child's earliest lessons in dealing with emotions and using
outside help. Understand and support your child during these times,
and the closeness between you will grow.
2. Give a fearless message. First, what not to do. Don't give your
child the message that it's wrong to be scared. To a growing child,
this translates into "something's wrong with me." Avoid putdowns
like: "Don't be afraid," "Stop being a baby," "Big boys (or girls)
don't get scared." These don't put out the fears they only drive
them underground. Now the child is not only afraid of the dark, but
he's also afraid to tell anybody about his fear, or seek help with
handling it. What began as a normal childhood problem is now
chipping away at his ability to trust others. Without reinforcing
your child's fears, empathize with them: "When I was a child I was
afraid of a dark bedroom, too." Acknowledge your child's fears in
order to help her work through them. Strike a balance. Don't ignore
the fears, but don't get over-involved in them either, or your child
will play up the fear to get your attention.
When responding to children's fears, give them two messages: It's
all right to be afraid; and it's good to share your fears and ask
for help. Reassure your child that "Mom and dad (or trusted adult)
will keep you safe." Remember not to put your child down by
saying: "There's nothing to be afraid of" or "That's silly." Never
use or create fears to discipline your child: "The boogie man will
get you if you get out of bed" or "God will punish you if you talk
back."
3. Model being unfearful. Helping your child handle fears is much
easier if you are closely connected with your child. Your child
regards you as a test pilot. If something or someone is safe for
you, then it is safe for the child. Stranger anxiety is common
between one and two years. Help your child overcome this fear by
mirroring to the child that this new person is okay. Many children
become fearful of insects because they see an adult freak out when a
June bug buzzes by. Same for lightning and thunder. Try singing "My
Favorite Things" during a storm to help you stay calm. To handle
fear of doctors , prior to your visit, let your child explore a toy
doctor's kit. Play doctor and go through a pretend examination so
your child knows what to expect. Let the child play doctor with his
pet, doll, or stuffed animal.
4. Always take your child's fear of caregivers seriously. Normally,
familiarity lessens fear. If your child's fear at being left with a
particular caregiver, even a relative, is getting more intense,
change caregivers. Even if foul play seems unlikely, give your child
the benefit of the doubt.
5. Ease bedtime fears. Nighttime is scary time for little people.
Fear of the dark and of separation from parents is a double fear
that keeps many children awake. Put on a night-light. Parent your
child off to sleep with a soothing story, massage, or song. Leave
relaxing tapes playing for an hour or so after bedtime. Young
children need these helpers because they cannot use their minds to
overcome their fears. The child over four can be helped to work
through the fear of darkness. Ask him to tell you what "dark" means
to him. Encourage the child to draw the fear: "Draw what your dark
room feels like and looks like." If you get a black sheet of paper
with an orange monster under the bed, you've pinpointed the fear.
The principle of gradually increasing exposure helps the child
overcome fear of the dark. Play dark tag, beginning with the lights
on in a room that preferably has a dimmer switch so that you can
gradually dim the lights. Play hide-and-seek at dusk, and let the
game extend into the darkness. Play follow the leader as you weave
around the yard at night on an exploring expedition. Initially, hold
your child's hand as you explore together. Give your child his own
flashlight to keep next to his bed so that he can turn it on to shed
light onto suspicious piles of clothing that turn into "a bear" when
there's no light. Sometimes just knowing that he has the power to
change the darkness into light is enough to quell the fear. Or just
leave a light on his room; it won't interfere with his ability to
sleep. He'll start turning it off himself when he's older.
6. Chase "monsters" out of bedrooms. "Daddy there's a monster in my
room." Is this a real fear or another trick for prolonging bedtime?
The empathetic parent treats the child's concern as real. Here's how
to get the child out of the fearful state and ease him into a
sleeping one. Let the child describe the monster and tell you
exactly where it is. Walk around the room together, letting the
child share his worries. Realize that fearing monsters is a
developmental stage in which the monster stands in for a frightening
world. Childish fears being what they are illogical an
explanation may not work. A more imaginative response is called
for: "I'm the dad in this house and I don't allow monsters in here.
He'll have to leave." Then you step into the closet and have a brief
talk with the monster.
Do these kinds of responses mean that you have "caved in" to
childish behavior? No, they don't. They mean you understand what
that dark and shadowy room looks like to your child; your
recognizing his reality by playing along shows him a way of
mastering his fears. How else can a parent confront a pretend
monster, if not by pretending a little?
As your child grows older, the problem with joining in on fictitious
fears is that you reinforce the idea that monsters really do exist.
We don't believe in "chasing the monster away" games once children
can understand the difference between real and pretend. Tell your
child matter-of-factly: "Monsters are only on drawings or TV. They
aren't real. And even if they were real, Daddy wouldn't let them get
in our house." Draw a monster picture and show your three-year-old
the difference between real and imaginary. ("Monsters are pretend.
Lions are real and Daddy won't let any lions in here either.") Since
we share sleep with our children, we haven't had this monster-in-the-
bedroom problem ourselves. Once our kids are secure enough at night
to graduate from our bedroom, they are past the age of being tricked
by their imagination. Even if your child sleeps in his own room, a
lovely part of his bedtime ritual could be Mom or Dad lying down
with him as he falls off to sleep, until he is old enough to enjoy
going to sleep on his own.
Try helping your child imagine a substitute scene: "When you dream
about anything scary, imagine a train at the end of your bed.
Whenever you're afraid you can hop on the train, and mommy and daddy
will be right there in the train with you. You ride around in the
train for a little while with mommy and daddy, and then the train
comes back and stops at the end of your bed. You get off, and you
crawl back into bed, and by that time you'll forget the scare."
Offering substitute make-believe works for the sensitive child who
feels threatened at any suggestion that the monsters aren't real and
that therefore you think he's dumb for even thinking about monsters.
The best way to get rid of nighttime fears is to prevent them by
practicing a style of nighttime parenting that helps the child feel
that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to
remain in.
7. Get rid of fearful characters. Fear of fantasy characters is one
of the most common fears in the preschool child. If your child's
favorite imaginary characters are not keeping him awake at night,
bothering him at school, or making him a generally fearful person,
join in the fun, and let your child enjoy the fantasies while they
last. If they are interfering with your child's emotional
development, help your child work through what is imaginary and what
is real. The child under six has difficulty separating make-believe
from reality.
Banish scary characters from your child's environment. Turn off
scary TV shows and videos. Even better, limit TV and videos for
preschoolers to very selective viewing. Beware of films and cartoons
that were created for older children and adults. Help your child
discern the difference between real and imaginary characters. Talk
about how cartoons and movies are made. Use puppets to put on an
act. ("See, these aren't real; they only talk with your voice or
move if you pull the string.")
Be careful not to transfer your own fears to your child. For
example, your toddler is climbing up on the counter. If you
immediately give him the fear message, "You might fall!" or "That's
dangerous!" he probably will fall. Fear can actually make risk
situations more dangerous. It's best to calmly walk over to the
child and assist him.
more profound ways than others. There could be underlying reasons
for certain fears, but most likely it is just his temperament and
the way he responds to things. My son is 5 1/2, who has been raised
AP from day one, has similar issues. It sort of ebbs and flows with
him...I have always likened it to be that his intellectual capacity
is ahead of his emotional capacity (this is just my interpretation
of it). Nonetheless, it can be very hard to watch your child being
fearful. I do hope we can help him alleviate these fears eventually
by just providing him with support, comfort and security....but it
does get very trying. Here is something from Dr. Sears's website:
7 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD HANDLE FEAR
Helping children overcome fears not only eases their anxieties, it
also provides an opportunity to build the parent-child relationship.
As you and your child work through fears together, he learns to
regard you as a valuable source of support.
1. Understand why children are afraid. Children do not think like
adults. Most of the world is unknown to the child; and children,
like adults, fear the unknown. The preschool child cannot reason
through each new experience and decide what's okay and what's
threatening. As if the real world were not scary enough, the ability
to form mental images, which develops from two to four years, opens
the world of magical thinking with its consequent fearful
fantasies . Two-to-four-year-old children are able to recreate
people, animals, and things, which they are exposed to in real life
mentally, and these mental images may be scarier than the real
thing. The cute daytime dinosaur may reappear in fantasy form as a
monster at night, producing the sleep disturbances so common at this
age.
The ability to imagine monsters without the ability to reason them
away as imaginary creatures results in a developmental stage where
little persons are likely to have big fears. Fears vary from child
to child. One child's fear is another's fascination. Some children
love to play with the vacuum cleaner. Other kids regard it as a
noisy monster that eats things. The school-age child becomes more
afraid of changes in relationships, danger, and health issues (e.g.,
being hit by a car, not being able to breathe, divorce of parents,
or death). Children become fearful at different ages, at different
intensities, and about different things.
In our family, once we started practicing sleep-sharing sixteen
years ago, we didn't have monsters in the bedroom, but Hayden and
Erin did go through a stage when they were scared of the dark . When
Matthew did not develop this fear, we wondered why. When it finally
did show up, he was old enough to understand an explanationwe told
him he was scared because his imagination was growing. He liked
being able to understand his fear, and it seems to us that he grew
out of it quickly.
Fear is one of the earliest emotions, and with a little help from
caregivers, the child can turn this unpleasant feeling into an
opportunity for emotional growth. Learning to deal with fears is one
of the child's earliest lessons in dealing with emotions and using
outside help. Understand and support your child during these times,
and the closeness between you will grow.
2. Give a fearless message. First, what not to do. Don't give your
child the message that it's wrong to be scared. To a growing child,
this translates into "something's wrong with me." Avoid putdowns
like: "Don't be afraid," "Stop being a baby," "Big boys (or girls)
don't get scared." These don't put out the fears they only drive
them underground. Now the child is not only afraid of the dark, but
he's also afraid to tell anybody about his fear, or seek help with
handling it. What began as a normal childhood problem is now
chipping away at his ability to trust others. Without reinforcing
your child's fears, empathize with them: "When I was a child I was
afraid of a dark bedroom, too." Acknowledge your child's fears in
order to help her work through them. Strike a balance. Don't ignore
the fears, but don't get over-involved in them either, or your child
will play up the fear to get your attention.
When responding to children's fears, give them two messages: It's
all right to be afraid; and it's good to share your fears and ask
for help. Reassure your child that "Mom and dad (or trusted adult)
will keep you safe." Remember not to put your child down by
saying: "There's nothing to be afraid of" or "That's silly." Never
use or create fears to discipline your child: "The boogie man will
get you if you get out of bed" or "God will punish you if you talk
back."
3. Model being unfearful. Helping your child handle fears is much
easier if you are closely connected with your child. Your child
regards you as a test pilot. If something or someone is safe for
you, then it is safe for the child. Stranger anxiety is common
between one and two years. Help your child overcome this fear by
mirroring to the child that this new person is okay. Many children
become fearful of insects because they see an adult freak out when a
June bug buzzes by. Same for lightning and thunder. Try singing "My
Favorite Things" during a storm to help you stay calm. To handle
fear of doctors , prior to your visit, let your child explore a toy
doctor's kit. Play doctor and go through a pretend examination so
your child knows what to expect. Let the child play doctor with his
pet, doll, or stuffed animal.
4. Always take your child's fear of caregivers seriously. Normally,
familiarity lessens fear. If your child's fear at being left with a
particular caregiver, even a relative, is getting more intense,
change caregivers. Even if foul play seems unlikely, give your child
the benefit of the doubt.
5. Ease bedtime fears. Nighttime is scary time for little people.
Fear of the dark and of separation from parents is a double fear
that keeps many children awake. Put on a night-light. Parent your
child off to sleep with a soothing story, massage, or song. Leave
relaxing tapes playing for an hour or so after bedtime. Young
children need these helpers because they cannot use their minds to
overcome their fears. The child over four can be helped to work
through the fear of darkness. Ask him to tell you what "dark" means
to him. Encourage the child to draw the fear: "Draw what your dark
room feels like and looks like." If you get a black sheet of paper
with an orange monster under the bed, you've pinpointed the fear.
The principle of gradually increasing exposure helps the child
overcome fear of the dark. Play dark tag, beginning with the lights
on in a room that preferably has a dimmer switch so that you can
gradually dim the lights. Play hide-and-seek at dusk, and let the
game extend into the darkness. Play follow the leader as you weave
around the yard at night on an exploring expedition. Initially, hold
your child's hand as you explore together. Give your child his own
flashlight to keep next to his bed so that he can turn it on to shed
light onto suspicious piles of clothing that turn into "a bear" when
there's no light. Sometimes just knowing that he has the power to
change the darkness into light is enough to quell the fear. Or just
leave a light on his room; it won't interfere with his ability to
sleep. He'll start turning it off himself when he's older.
6. Chase "monsters" out of bedrooms. "Daddy there's a monster in my
room." Is this a real fear or another trick for prolonging bedtime?
The empathetic parent treats the child's concern as real. Here's how
to get the child out of the fearful state and ease him into a
sleeping one. Let the child describe the monster and tell you
exactly where it is. Walk around the room together, letting the
child share his worries. Realize that fearing monsters is a
developmental stage in which the monster stands in for a frightening
world. Childish fears being what they are illogical an
explanation may not work. A more imaginative response is called
for: "I'm the dad in this house and I don't allow monsters in here.
He'll have to leave." Then you step into the closet and have a brief
talk with the monster.
Do these kinds of responses mean that you have "caved in" to
childish behavior? No, they don't. They mean you understand what
that dark and shadowy room looks like to your child; your
recognizing his reality by playing along shows him a way of
mastering his fears. How else can a parent confront a pretend
monster, if not by pretending a little?
As your child grows older, the problem with joining in on fictitious
fears is that you reinforce the idea that monsters really do exist.
We don't believe in "chasing the monster away" games once children
can understand the difference between real and pretend. Tell your
child matter-of-factly: "Monsters are only on drawings or TV. They
aren't real. And even if they were real, Daddy wouldn't let them get
in our house." Draw a monster picture and show your three-year-old
the difference between real and imaginary. ("Monsters are pretend.
Lions are real and Daddy won't let any lions in here either.") Since
we share sleep with our children, we haven't had this monster-in-the-
bedroom problem ourselves. Once our kids are secure enough at night
to graduate from our bedroom, they are past the age of being tricked
by their imagination. Even if your child sleeps in his own room, a
lovely part of his bedtime ritual could be Mom or Dad lying down
with him as he falls off to sleep, until he is old enough to enjoy
going to sleep on his own.
Try helping your child imagine a substitute scene: "When you dream
about anything scary, imagine a train at the end of your bed.
Whenever you're afraid you can hop on the train, and mommy and daddy
will be right there in the train with you. You ride around in the
train for a little while with mommy and daddy, and then the train
comes back and stops at the end of your bed. You get off, and you
crawl back into bed, and by that time you'll forget the scare."
Offering substitute make-believe works for the sensitive child who
feels threatened at any suggestion that the monsters aren't real and
that therefore you think he's dumb for even thinking about monsters.
The best way to get rid of nighttime fears is to prevent them by
practicing a style of nighttime parenting that helps the child feel
that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to
remain in.
7. Get rid of fearful characters. Fear of fantasy characters is one
of the most common fears in the preschool child. If your child's
favorite imaginary characters are not keeping him awake at night,
bothering him at school, or making him a generally fearful person,
join in the fun, and let your child enjoy the fantasies while they
last. If they are interfering with your child's emotional
development, help your child work through what is imaginary and what
is real. The child under six has difficulty separating make-believe
from reality.
Banish scary characters from your child's environment. Turn off
scary TV shows and videos. Even better, limit TV and videos for
preschoolers to very selective viewing. Beware of films and cartoons
that were created for older children and adults. Help your child
discern the difference between real and imaginary characters. Talk
about how cartoons and movies are made. Use puppets to put on an
act. ("See, these aren't real; they only talk with your voice or
move if you pull the string.")
Be careful not to transfer your own fears to your child. For
example, your toddler is climbing up on the counter. If you
immediately give him the fear message, "You might fall!" or "That's
dangerous!" he probably will fall. Fear can actually make risk
situations more dangerous. It's best to calmly walk over to the
child and assist him.
--- In [email protected], Bethryco@a... wrote:
> My stepson is 7 and is having a very hard time at night. He's got
a lot of
> fears in general. And actually, I should say that it's mostly at
night, but
> often during the day time too. He gets freaked out and won't go
in his bedroom
> or the bathroom. It could be 10am and this still happens.
>
> We are an AP family with our youngest who is pretty high needs -
which means
> he takes a lot of my time. He's my first and we didn't come to AP
or the idea
> of unschooling (which isn't an option with stepson for various
reasons -
> basically not our choice) until DS was born. So, certainly we did
things more
> "mainstream" and are doing this differently with DS.
>
> I'm sort of stuck. I don't know what to do exactly. He has
trouble during
> the day and at night. We leave a lamp on in his room (his
request) and his
> door wide open (his request) to help at night but he still wakes
up several times
> a week with nightmares. He has various little rituals that he
does to
> attempt to make things better for himself, but it doesn't seem to
work (special
> blankets, pictures of special people, etc.). I've read lots of
books on AP but
> haven't found anything about what to do if a child wasn't raised
AP. Then what?
> What do you do to back track and help them from where you are?
How can I
> help him get through all the many fears he has. Night time fears,
daytime
> fears, fears of bugs of all kinds and certain animals and
activities. It becomes
> so frustrating sometimes because I just don't know what to do with
him and it
> seems like he's afraid of everything. Any ideas?
>
> Beth
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]