sibling aggression
Katharine Wise
How much sibling aggression/pushing do others find is typical among boys? (Mine are 10,7, and 4.)
Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are just too high. Not that I'm going to sit by and encourage hitting or other aggression, but am I worrying too much that it's abnormal? Sometimes we have several incidents a day and other times may go close to a week without any.
An incident from today. We'd spent an hour or so at a nearby park, playing in a stream. 7yo was happy as a clam -- this kind of thing is totally his element. Had a snack, played a little more. 10yo's feet were wet by this point and he wanted to go, so I told the others they had another 5-10 minutes to play. When I said it was time to go everyone came willingly.
To get back to the van we climbed through/over a half-broken gate. 7yo and 4yo started through at the same time, 10yo had run ahead to the van (not very far away -- maybe length of a typical suburban lot from back to front). I saw this moment with the two going over the gate at the same time as a bit of a danger point (as in, liable to upset 7yo) so I pulled the 4yo back a moment so 7yo could go over. Then 4yo continued and the two of them were running (but as far as I could tell, not racing) toward the van when suddenly 7yo turned and yelled something brief that I couldn't make out at the 4yo and knocked him over, then continued to the van. 4yo cried and picked him up and asked if he knew what had frustrated 7yo. He didn't know.
I get to the van and 7yo is chatting happily with 10yo as 4yo climbs in. After I get everyone buckled, I say to 7yo, "You looked pretty frustrated back there -- was something bothering you?" No answer. After a few repeats, I try a different tactic, "Are you not answering me because you don't know? Because you don't feel comfortable telling me? Because you don't remember?" No answer. Some eye contact, but no reply.
Is this more common than I think it is? How do others handle this sort of thing?
Thanks,
Katharine
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Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are just too high. Not that I'm going to sit by and encourage hitting or other aggression, but am I worrying too much that it's abnormal? Sometimes we have several incidents a day and other times may go close to a week without any.
An incident from today. We'd spent an hour or so at a nearby park, playing in a stream. 7yo was happy as a clam -- this kind of thing is totally his element. Had a snack, played a little more. 10yo's feet were wet by this point and he wanted to go, so I told the others they had another 5-10 minutes to play. When I said it was time to go everyone came willingly.
To get back to the van we climbed through/over a half-broken gate. 7yo and 4yo started through at the same time, 10yo had run ahead to the van (not very far away -- maybe length of a typical suburban lot from back to front). I saw this moment with the two going over the gate at the same time as a bit of a danger point (as in, liable to upset 7yo) so I pulled the 4yo back a moment so 7yo could go over. Then 4yo continued and the two of them were running (but as far as I could tell, not racing) toward the van when suddenly 7yo turned and yelled something brief that I couldn't make out at the 4yo and knocked him over, then continued to the van. 4yo cried and picked him up and asked if he knew what had frustrated 7yo. He didn't know.
I get to the van and 7yo is chatting happily with 10yo as 4yo climbs in. After I get everyone buckled, I say to 7yo, "You looked pretty frustrated back there -- was something bothering you?" No answer. After a few repeats, I try a different tactic, "Are you not answering me because you don't know? Because you don't feel comfortable telling me? Because you don't remember?" No answer. Some eye contact, but no reply.
Is this more common than I think it is? How do others handle this sort of thing?
Thanks,
Katharine
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[email protected]
I have two boys, ages 9, 7. I have been through periods (weeks?) where one child or the other is more aggressive toward the other for reasons not apparent to me. I have times when they get along together for weeks at a time with very little bickering. At still other times they are equally aggressive toward each other. I have noticed this in my house in recent weeks. I attribute some of it to being 'cooped up' indoors because of very cold weather. Sometimes the aggression is verbal (e.g., You are stupid and I hate you!' ) sometimes its pinching or shoving or hitting. Sometimes both. These are not behaviors they have learned from my husband and I. I sometimes point out to my children that "daddy and I sometimes disagree too. Its ok to disagree but we use other ways to work out the disagreement such as talking,
getting away from each other for a short time and then talking, etcetc" (you get the idea). We do try to model working out disagreements without being physically or verbally abusive. I can understand that children are still working on developing communication skills and that they may strike out impulsively in frustration . It does upset me though to see them hurting one another. I try to let them work out their own disagreements as much as possible- but at times when they become physical one or the other will come to me asking for help working out the problem. When I hear them starting to disagree about something I keep an ear open to see if they will work it out without things getting too heated (which is nice) - then if tempers flare I am available to help them work it out.
-------------- Original message --------------
From: Katharine Wise <katharinewise@...>
getting away from each other for a short time and then talking, etcetc" (you get the idea). We do try to model working out disagreements without being physically or verbally abusive. I can understand that children are still working on developing communication skills and that they may strike out impulsively in frustration . It does upset me though to see them hurting one another. I try to let them work out their own disagreements as much as possible- but at times when they become physical one or the other will come to me asking for help working out the problem. When I hear them starting to disagree about something I keep an ear open to see if they will work it out without things getting too heated (which is nice) - then if tempers flare I am available to help them work it out.
-------------- Original message --------------
From: Katharine Wise <katharinewise@...>
> How much sibling aggression/pushing do others find is typical among boys? (Mine[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> are 10,7, and 4.)
> Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are just too high. Not that I'm going to
> sit by and encourage hitting or other aggression, but am I worrying too much
> that it's abnormal? Sometimes we have several incidents a day and other times
> may go close to a week without any.
>
> An incident from today. We'd spent an hour or so at a nearby park, playing in a
> stream. 7yo was happy as a clam -- this kind of thing is totally his element.
> Had a snack, played a little more. 10yo's feet were wet by this point and he
> wanted to go, so I told the others they had another 5-10 minutes to play. When
> I said it was time to go everyone came willingly.
>
> To get back to the van we climbed through/over a half-broken gate. 7yo and 4yo
> started through at the same time, 10yo had run ahead to the van (not very far
> away -- maybe length of a typical suburban lot from back to front). I saw this
> moment with the two going over the gate at the same time as a bit of a danger
> point (as in, liable to upset 7yo) so I pulled the 4yo back a moment so 7yo
> could go over. Then 4yo continued and the two of them were running (but as far
> as I could tell, not racing) toward the van when suddenly 7yo turned and yelled
> something brief that I couldn't make out at the 4yo and knocked him over, then
> continued to the van. 4yo cried and picked him up and asked if he knew what had
> frustrated 7yo. He didn't know.
>
> I get to the van and 7yo is chatting happily with 10yo as 4yo climbs in. After
> I get everyone buckled, I say to 7yo, "You looked pretty frustrated back there
> -- was something bothering you?" No answer. After a few repeats, I try a
> different tactic, "Are you not answering me because you don't know? Because you
> don't feel comfortable telling me? Because you don't remember?" No answer.
> Some eye contact, but no reply.
>
> Is this more common than I think it is? How do others handle this sort of
> thing?
>
> Thanks,
> Katharine
>
>
>
>
>
> ________________________________________________________________________________
> ____
> Finding fabulous fares is fun.
> Let Yahoo! FareChase search your favorite travel sites to find flight and hotel
> bargains.
> http://farechase.yahoo.com/promo-generic-14795097
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
lrbuchanan04
--- In [email protected], Katharine Wise
<katharinewise@...> wrote:
am I worrying too much that it's abnormal? Sometimes we have
several incidents a day and other times may go close to a week
without any.
room until about 1 yr ago, and there was plenty of hostility during
those years. I realy had a hard time with it, until I realized it
is like living with with a spouse someone else chose for you. They
were together all the time, all day and night- in eachother's space.
I don't think it took much to set them off. As they got older they
learned how to talk things out, but when they were young I think
they were too frustrated to even get a full thought put together.
they hit, they yelled, they brought their tension level down and
THEN they could talk about it.
I am not advocating hitting, I am just sharing my observations. What
really helped my middle son (who held it all in until he exploded)
was to teach him to recognize the way he felt BEFORE it was too
much. And then (harder) to get him to realize that it is oaky to go
away an dbe alone (or with mom and dad). But to remove himself from
the bad situation.
After a while it was not uncommon to hear him say "I just need to be
alone". Maybe just helping them get in touch with their own
feelings and giving them a place where they can be quiet and alone
can be a help.
Good Luck,
Leslie
<katharinewise@...> wrote:
>among boys? (Mine are 10,7, and 4.)
> How much sibling aggression/pushing do others find is typical
> Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are just too high. Not thatI'm going to sit by and encourage hitting or other aggression, but
am I worrying too much that it's abnormal? Sometimes we have
several incidents a day and other times may go close to a week
without any.
>I have three boys now 16, 14 and 11. By choice they all shared a
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
room until about 1 yr ago, and there was plenty of hostility during
those years. I realy had a hard time with it, until I realized it
is like living with with a spouse someone else chose for you. They
were together all the time, all day and night- in eachother's space.
I don't think it took much to set them off. As they got older they
learned how to talk things out, but when they were young I think
they were too frustrated to even get a full thought put together.
they hit, they yelled, they brought their tension level down and
THEN they could talk about it.
I am not advocating hitting, I am just sharing my observations. What
really helped my middle son (who held it all in until he exploded)
was to teach him to recognize the way he felt BEFORE it was too
much. And then (harder) to get him to realize that it is oaky to go
away an dbe alone (or with mom and dad). But to remove himself from
the bad situation.
After a while it was not uncommon to hear him say "I just need to be
alone". Maybe just helping them get in touch with their own
feelings and giving them a place where they can be quiet and alone
can be a help.
Good Luck,
Leslie
Katharine Wise
How did you teach him to recognize how he felt before it was too much?
Thanks, Katharine
----- Original Message ----
From: lrbuchanan04 <mbuchanan@...>
I am not advocating hitting, I am just sharing my observations. What
really helped my middle son (who held it all in until he exploded)
was to teach him to recognize the way he felt BEFORE it was too
much. And then (harder) to get him to realize that it is oaky to go
away an dbe alone (or with mom and dad). But to remove himself from
the bad situation.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks, Katharine
----- Original Message ----
From: lrbuchanan04 <mbuchanan@...>
I am not advocating hitting, I am just sharing my observations. What
really helped my middle son (who held it all in until he exploded)
was to teach him to recognize the way he felt BEFORE it was too
much. And then (harder) to get him to realize that it is oaky to go
away an dbe alone (or with mom and dad). But to remove himself from
the bad situation.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Never miss an email again!
Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives.
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]