[unschoolingbasics] Children of Divorce was Re: cant always get whatcha want
The Jeffrees
I just wanted to quickly comment on the position below.
I believe children are victims of divorce whether or not they remember the actual event.
A slightly different angle, but both my husband's and my parents were divorced before our children were born (his many years before and mine a couple of years before). Both of our children (now 9 and 7) recognise that something is *wrong* with their grandparents not being married to their original partners without ever having been told that by ourselves or anyone else (to my knowledge).
When parents divorce it's not just the event of the actual divorce which impacts the children. There is a whole range of other events involved which happen on a daily basis. ESPECIALLY for a child who's parents divorced very early in their life there is the constant question of "was it my fault?" I have heard that from my step-daughter who is now 18 (her parent's divorced when she was 3). There are also the questions (amongst many others of); "why don't my parents love each other any more?", "why do they get so angry at each other?" "why can't I have my mummy and daddy to myself like (some) other kids?", "didn't they love me enough to stay married to each other?"
It's easy for us to stand externally and say that the child is lucky to have 4 parents who love them and indeed when my step-children's mother has tried to cause trouble for our family (she and my husband were separated YEARS before we met and she'd since been married another two times) I've often said "why can't she accept that her children have 4 parents who love them and not make them feel that they have to choose?" However, children quite simply recognise that the "regular" form of a family is not something that they have and they naturally wonder why.
Kindest Wishes,
Anita
I believe children are victims of divorce whether or not they remember the actual event.
A slightly different angle, but both my husband's and my parents were divorced before our children were born (his many years before and mine a couple of years before). Both of our children (now 9 and 7) recognise that something is *wrong* with their grandparents not being married to their original partners without ever having been told that by ourselves or anyone else (to my knowledge).
When parents divorce it's not just the event of the actual divorce which impacts the children. There is a whole range of other events involved which happen on a daily basis. ESPECIALLY for a child who's parents divorced very early in their life there is the constant question of "was it my fault?" I have heard that from my step-daughter who is now 18 (her parent's divorced when she was 3). There are also the questions (amongst many others of); "why don't my parents love each other any more?", "why do they get so angry at each other?" "why can't I have my mummy and daddy to myself like (some) other kids?", "didn't they love me enough to stay married to each other?"
It's easy for us to stand externally and say that the child is lucky to have 4 parents who love them and indeed when my step-children's mother has tried to cause trouble for our family (she and my husband were separated YEARS before we met and she'd since been married another two times) I've often said "why can't she accept that her children have 4 parents who love them and not make them feel that they have to choose?" However, children quite simply recognise that the "regular" form of a family is not something that they have and they naturally wonder why.
Kindest Wishes,
Anita
----- Original Message -----
From: Shellini Spencer
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, March 08, 2007 11:07 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: cant always get whatcha want
So we teach him that is
is lucky to have 4 loving parents and not just 2... We dont teach him
to feel sorry for himself because his parents divorced when he was a
baby and too young to remember...
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Mar 8, 2007, at 4:58 PM, The Jeffrees wrote:
each other, can they stop loving me?"
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> "didn't they love me enough to stay married to each other?"And a worry in the backs of their minds: "If they can stop loving
each other, can they stop loving me?"
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cameron Parham
Children of divorce almost universally have the belief that they caused (or helped cause) the divorce, and also fear, as noted below, that if parents can stop loving each other, they can stop loving the child. So these kids have to live with guilt that they helped tear their own world apart, and fear that it could happen again. This is really not just my opinion; it is substantated by decades of research. So these kids are under tremendous pressure already to somehow be very careful not to 'wreck things like they think they did before.' When we tell them their feelings are the wrong feelings to have, we remove from them any tools to heal. Feelings really can't be adjusted externally. However, behavior can, sometimes at great cost to the self and to trust. So he may eventually learn to hide how he feels from you, or forget how to tell what he really is feeling. Are these desirable outcomes?
----- Original Message ----
From: Joyce Fetteroll <fetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, March 9, 2007 3:45:46 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Children of Divorce was Re: cant always get whatcha want
----- Original Message ----
From: Joyce Fetteroll <fetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, March 9, 2007 3:45:46 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Children of Divorce was Re: cant always get whatcha want
On Mar 8, 2007, at 4:58 PM, The Jeffrees wrote:
> "didn't they love me enough to stay married to each other?"
And a worry in the backs of their minds: "If they can stop loving
each other, can they stop loving me?"
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vicki
Ok, normally I would avoid this discussion, but as the events of this
day have unfolded, and the events of my life have happened, I feel
compelled to respond.
I divorced my manic depressive spouse when my only child with him was
2.5 yo. He was extremely violent. He destroyed 16 doors in 4 years
of marriage and celebrated beating our second child out of me when he
caused me to miscarriage. I have never regretted divorcing him, but
have regretted that the legal system doesn't allow children to
divorce bad dads. I know. I've lived it.
Even after he told his only child that he was going to kill her (and
a list of others including me)there was no legal protection.
My daughter has never regretted the divorce nor has she ever thought
it was her fault. Granted, these are not the average divorce
situations. My mom and lawyer, had advised me to never bad mouth
him. He would show himself for who he is all on his own which he did
more times then I care to count. My daughter has never felt that she
was the cause of divorce.
My step-daughter, who's parents never married, was always told the
truth of "how". She has four parents and three she knows love her.
(I can't speak for her step-dad and they tend to fight so I won't)
She, also, doesn't feel any of it was her fault.
Personally, speaking to children, and being honest, can go along way
to helping them not feel it's their fault. My lawyer had also
advised to make it available to children to have stamps and envelopes
so they could mail school work, art work and other things to the
other parent to help avoid this situation of guilt.
Today, my daughter faced the worst tragity of her young life. Her
best two friends in the world have died in a tragic accident. It
really brings home the value of those you love.
day have unfolded, and the events of my life have happened, I feel
compelled to respond.
I divorced my manic depressive spouse when my only child with him was
2.5 yo. He was extremely violent. He destroyed 16 doors in 4 years
of marriage and celebrated beating our second child out of me when he
caused me to miscarriage. I have never regretted divorcing him, but
have regretted that the legal system doesn't allow children to
divorce bad dads. I know. I've lived it.
Even after he told his only child that he was going to kill her (and
a list of others including me)there was no legal protection.
My daughter has never regretted the divorce nor has she ever thought
it was her fault. Granted, these are not the average divorce
situations. My mom and lawyer, had advised me to never bad mouth
him. He would show himself for who he is all on his own which he did
more times then I care to count. My daughter has never felt that she
was the cause of divorce.
My step-daughter, who's parents never married, was always told the
truth of "how". She has four parents and three she knows love her.
(I can't speak for her step-dad and they tend to fight so I won't)
She, also, doesn't feel any of it was her fault.
Personally, speaking to children, and being honest, can go along way
to helping them not feel it's their fault. My lawyer had also
advised to make it available to children to have stamps and envelopes
so they could mail school work, art work and other things to the
other parent to help avoid this situation of guilt.
Today, my daughter faced the worst tragity of her young life. Her
best two friends in the world have died in a tragic accident. It
really brings home the value of those you love.