Schuyler

>
>>>>Yeah, I'd use a different name.<g> I encourage you to start a list for
> single struggling moms, yes. But I caution that sometimes, as comforting
> as a support list might be, it has the potential to become one more excuse
> for not making real changes in ourselves and in our lives that will move
> us
> in a positive direction. There's danger in commiseration in that it often
> closes the door on progress toward something better. Sometimes, as much as
> we want to hear someone confirm that life sucks, it's better for our kids
> to
> have someone say to us, "GET UP and DO something about it.">>>
>
> I really really want to know where this philosphical tenet comes from.

Reading through Deb's response to this I realized I wanted to address this.

I can clearly remember hanging out with my friends and bitching about men,
all men in general and the ones we were dating in specific. And it was huge
these bitch fests, with everything up for conversational grabs. And it meant
that we were looking for details to bitch about, to be funny about, to win
at the most dysfunctional relationship. I made a concerted effort at some
point early on with David to not bitch about him. Not because he was any
more or less bitchable about, but because the bitching and whining didn't
help me to look at our relationship as a good and positive thing. I don't
know if that made the difference in my marriage to David, but it certainly
helped. When I think about, for example, laundry as a never ending burden,
it becomes insurmountable. But, if instead, I put the laundry in the wash
and then hang it out to dry while watching the cat bound around down the
garden hoping this time the pigeon won't fly away and bring in the clothes
to hang and fold while watching a cool show in the living room, it is just a
part of life.

I think falling into the habit of moaning about a life is an easy thing to
do. If I chose to look at Simon's or Linnaea's requests for things as a
tally card, instead of individual requests, I could get quite bitchy. If I
came to this list, or any of the other lists that I'm on, and started
whining about how Simon stays in his sleeping bag all day and he always
watches television and how Linnaea is always playing on the computer and
they never do anything--none of which is true, but I could argue from that
perspective--it would be a disservice to me and to them if I were told that
yes, children can be like that. I expect this list, I want this list to tell
me to change my perspective. To tell me to be with Simon and Linnaea while
they do what they are doing and see if that is all they are doing. I don't
want any arena of my life to help me piss and moan about my life. I want to
be able to see the good moments in a day, and not wallow in the bad. I want
to go from strength to strength and not relish my weak moments for their
storytelling potential. Not to say that is what is happening, but I know I
have done that, and when I go to homeschooling groups and listen to moms
belittle their children for a laugh it seems a poor trade.

I can't make anyone else's past better. But maybe by offering them tools to
make this moment a better moment I can help them to see a way forward. And I
think dwelling on the bad things, the ones we've done, or the ones done to
us, can blind us to the ways to make this moment a good moment.

Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com

jlh44music

"Schuyler" <s.waynforth@...> wrote:
> I think falling into the habit of moaning about a life is an easy
thing to do. If I chose to look at Simon's or Linnaea's requests for
things as a tally card, instead of individual requests, I could get
quite bitchy........ I expect this list, I want this list to tell
me to change my perspective. To tell me to be with Simon and Linnaea
while they do what they are doing and see if that is all they are
doing. I don't want any arena of my life to help me piss and moan
about my life. I want to be able to see the good moments in a day,
and not wallow in the bad. I want to go from strength to strength and
not relish my weak moments for their storytelling potential. Not to
say that is what is happening, but I know I have done that, >

I've done this too. It's so easy to complain and wish things were
better, instead of living more in the moment. For me, until I
stopped working 2 years ago, it was even harder when I was rushing
around.

> I can't make anyone else's past better. But maybe by offering them
tools to make this moment a better moment I can help them to see a
way forward. And I think dwelling on the bad things, the ones we've
done, or the ones done to us, can blind us to the ways to make this
moment a good moment.>

We all have something in our past that we wish had never happened, or
that we wish we could change, but we can't. It's hard to move on
and "get over it" and this has been a long struggle for me, but I can
honestly say it was a battle I'm glad I persisted at, for I'm in a
much better place now than I was even 2 years ago when I pulled my dd
out of school. And she has come so far. At first I had my doubts
about unschooling, but the battle was mine and I let her "be", let
her heal. I've been thinking about that a lot this week, she has
been talking a lot about herself, what's important to her, how she
feels about many things that I think more "traditional" parents would
never hear from their teens. I respect her as a person, and she
knows that I WANT to hear what she has to say, even when I'm really
tired and ready to drop, I see that the effort I've made to be really
present for her when she's "on a roll" which is often late at night
when I'm SO ready to sleep, has paid off big time.

Jann
(I loved your description of Linnaea in your Warts and All post on
your blog, made me think of the time someone said my dd (Danielle 14)
was an old soul.)