Beth Mouser

My 10-year-old son recently lost his great, great grand-mother who was
102 1/2 (pretty special, huh). She definitely was really great and
will be deeply missed. He visited her in the nursing home when she had
to be there due to Alzheimers for about 4 months prior to her passing.

The funeral is tomorrow and it is open casket. He says he wants to go,
but I went tonight for a preliminary viewing and run-through and even I
was a shaken and upset seeing grandma and I can't get the image out of
my head. I am worried it is going to upset him. I know that the
unschooling philosophy is to let kids make the judgment calls, but if
he has never seen a dead person, he has no idea what it will be like.
I worry he is going to regret it and not be able to shake the memory of
her looking definitely unlike herself.

I find myself wanting to protect him from bad things that he will most
likely encounter during life for as long as possible. I am not sure
though if I should. I tried to talk about it with him, but he says he
thinks he should see a "dead person" and I know he is curious.

Thanks for any insight. More and more, when I have questions regarding
parenting, I turn to this list for advice~

Beth

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/28/2007 10:19:09 PM Eastern Standard Time,
mouser4@... writes:
but if
he has never seen a dead person, he has no idea what it will be like.
I worry he is going to regret it and not be able to shake the memory of
her looking definitely unlike herself.

I find myself wanting to protect him from bad things that he will most
likely encounter during life for as long as possible. I am not sure
though if I should. I tried to talk about it with him, but he says he
thinks he should see a "dead person" and I know he is curious.



Hi Beth,

I am very sorry to hear about your great-grandmother. 102 years is amazing!

If you have talked to your son and he understands that seeing his grandmother
in a casket may upset him and he still wants to go, I'd let him if it were my
10 year old. I personally don't think funerals for people who lived for more
than a hundred years are as upsetting as those for people whose lives were
cut short unexpectedly. It sounds to me like great-great grandma lived a long,
hopefully happy life and death is a natural part of that. I find that
funerals help me grieve and being with a group of people who also loved the person
helps. Its a time to reminisce together about the deceased person's life and
accomplishments. I think by not letting your son be a part of that, it may
upset him forever.

It may help you feel better if you have a plan in place in case your son gets
really upset. Also keep in mind that many people attending the funeral may
be upset and that can sometimes be more upsetting than seeing the body.

Peace to you and your family.

Warmly,
Robin in MA


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Wildflower Car

If my children want to go to a funeral. I let them. I explain what is
expected and how it will proceed
so that they are prepared. I've never had a problem. We celebrate birth and
treat death like this horrible thing, but it can be a beautiful time to
remember and celebrate life, as well as educate our children on the reality
of it. It can all be done with great integrity and honor for the deceased.

Much Love,
Wildflower

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[email protected]

In a message dated 1/28/2007 10:19:22 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
mouser4@... writes:

The funeral is tomorrow and it is open casket. He says he wants to go,
but I went tonight for a preliminary viewing and run-through and even I
was a shaken and upset seeing grandma and I can't get the image out of
my head. I am worried it is going to upset him. I know that the
unschooling philosophy is to let kids make the judgment calls, but if
he has never seen a dead person, he has no idea what it will be like.
I worry he is going to regret it and not be able to shake the memory of
her looking definitely unlike herself.

I find myself wanting to protect him from bad things that he will most
likely encounter during life for as long as possible. I am not sure
though if I should. I tried to talk about it with him, but he says he
thinks he should see a "dead person" and I know he is curious.

Thanks for any insight. More and more, when I have questions regarding
parenting, I turn to this list for advice~

Beth



First of all, I am sorry for your loss! Secondly, I PROMISE your child will
handle seeing the funeral way better than any adult there, including you!
Children do great with death, then they learn later (from adults) to freak out
about it. I am the director of music at a Catholic Church and sing at a ton of
funerals every year and the children attending are always the ones that do
the best and handle things the most spiritually. All ends create a beginning.
In other words there can't be any end to something without there also being
a start. Death is as normal a part of life as birth and you would probably
let your children see someone born (if that is what they wanted) right? Death
is simply a transformation of the soul. I don't know what faith (if any) you
belong to or practice, but even if you are agnostic or an atheist, you can
find this truth simply by looking at nature - nothing can go on without death /
transformation of some kind. A caterpillar changes into a butterfly. The
caterpillar part of its life is over and a new life begins with wings. When you
put a potato in the ground and bury it deep, the potato rots away, dies and
the remains re-sprout. The very next year there will be new little potatoes.
If the winter is especially bad and the ground freezes up very deeply, thus
saving the potato, keeping it in a stage of half-aliveness (nature's life
support, LOL!) then no new life will come and there will be no new little
potatoes. We don't know exactly what new life and transformation happens. Some of us
are content with just saying "there will be a new beginning for this soul of
some kind" and others are very set in believing it goes a certain way with
saints, angels, heaven, etc... Because of my job, we know people in the
funeral business and I think that has made some aspects of death, funerals,
embalming, etc...fascinating but also sometimes almost comical to my kids because of
the stories they hear. For example, a man at a local funeral home told us
recently that the family of the deceased had the dead woman's colors done (you
know; are you a "winter, summer, spring, etc..") because she wanted to do it
while alive and didn't get around to it and they wanted her makeup and
clothing to match her season scheme. My children understood that this was obviously
"temporary insanity from grief." They also know that it is culturally
important for people to bury their loved ones, have ceremonies, sing songs, and
gather together for support. If I were you I truly would have no worries.
Sorry this was long!
Again, I hope your journey through this loss is full of good memories, love
and support,
Adriana





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/28/2007 10:42:10 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
ohpurple1@... writes:

I am very sorry to hear about your great-grandmother. 102 years is amazing!

If you have talked to your son and he understands that seeing his
grandmother



oh my goodness, I totally MISSED THIS PART! Sheesh, this should be a big
celebration!!! I had no idea she had lived to be 102. What a perfect first
funeral for your child. I can't imagine many things being more wonderful than
knowing someone lived a beautiful life for that long!!!

Adriana




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Katharine Wise

How wonderful to have known his great, great grandmother and that she lived such a long life! But death can be hard no matter what.

I would strongly recommend trusting your son's wish to attend the funeral and/or viewing. I unfortunately have more experience in this than I would like. My younger brother died 4 years ago, when my boys were 6.5yo and 3yo, and my father died a year ago when they were 9.5, 6, and almost 3. In both cases we had the open casket in my parents' home over night. Not to mention a lot of hysterical, traumatized young adults (I'm the oldest of 6). The boys took it all in stride. I really think it was a very healthy experience for them to be in the midst of our grief and to witness death in that way. I don't remember for sure, but I think the older boys also drew pictures or something which were enclosed in the caskets (something the rest of us were also doing).

Let us know what you do and how he responds,
Katharine






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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Marieke Willis

--- Beth Mouser <mouser4@...> wrote:
> My 10-year-old son recently lost his great, great grand-mother who
> was
> 102 1/2 (pretty special, huh). She definitely was really great and
> will be deeply missed. He visited her in the nursing home when she
> had
> to be there due to Alzheimers for about 4 months prior to her
> passing.

My great grandmother died when I was 3 3/4yo (she was 94, iirc), and I
wanted to go to the funeral (didn't want to see her, just go to the
funeral). My parents refused. I don't know why I cared that much about
going, as I hadn't seen her very often, but it's one of very few
memories I have from when I was a young kid, so I guess I must have
been rather upset they didn't let me go. In other words, your son will
likely be upset if you don't let him go, so what does it matter then in
the end? Knowing for sure he'll be upset versus taking the risk he
might be upset?

> The funeral is tomorrow and it is open casket. He says he wants to
> go,
> but I went tonight for a preliminary viewing and run-through and even
> I
> was a shaken and upset seeing grandma and I can't get the image out
> of my head. I am worried it is going to upset him.

Was there anything special about her that was upsetting, or was she
just like any other dead person? If there was something special, I'd
tell him and ask him whether he'd still want to see her, but if there
was nothing special... I don't see much of a reason for not allowing
him to see her. Something that's upsetting to you is not necessarily
upsetting to a 10yo. You might be more aware of your mortality and be
reminded by it, whereas he might not even think of his own mortality
(then and again, he might, just saying that it's hard to tell).

> I know that the
> unschooling philosophy is to let kids make the judgment calls, but if
> he has never seen a dead person, he has no idea what it will be like.

There's gotta be a first at some point. She probably died peacefully
and probably looks fairly decent, unlike say if he were to see the
victim of some car crash at some point, for example.

> I worry he is going to regret it and not be able to shake the memory
> of her looking definitely unlike herself.

He might not ever forget it, but he's definitely not going to be
haunted by it daily for the rest of his life. Of course, if he's easily
bothered by scary movies and such, you might want to remind him of that
to check whether he really wants to see her, but I think he'd be fine.
What is y'all's philosophy on what happens after you die? Might be a
good time to discuss that after the funeral, if that might help comfort
him.

> I find myself wanting to protect him from bad things that he will
> most likely encounter during life for as long as possible.

She was 102 and had Alzheimers... I wouldn't see it as such a bad
thing. You might be sad, but it's part of nature. If old people didn't
die, this world would have been overpopulated ages ago. And who knows,
she might be in a better place now (I'm an agnostic).

Finally, I think the more you act as if he might be upset by it, the
more upset he might end up being upset by it.

Then and again, what do I know? When I was 11, I wanted to become one
of those doctors who do autopsies...

Marieke



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flynnzie2

Beth,
My condolences and prayers are with you and your family. At 10, most
children are able to understand death's permanance, and have many
questions and great curiosity. Our fear of the unknown can be more
traumatic than reality. It sounds like your son needs completion and
answers to what happens to people at death. Your deepest
philosophies will be brought to the surface, so be prepared to share
them with your son. A funeral can be a celebration of a life well
lived, and a gathering oflove and support.

When my daughter was 5, we lost Grandpa and Grandma within a few
months of each other. She attended my father's funeral and had many
questions. I was able to explain what she needed to know at her
level, and she fell soundly asleep during the wake. As the years
have passed, she has asked more questions, and has accepted that
death happens to everyone, and that it can be the next step in our
jouney. The decision to bring children to funerals is certainly as
individual as each of us, and I'm certain your decision will be the
best for you and your son.

Again, you have our best wishes. Your Grandmother was a special
lady, and you were lucky to have her with you for so long.

Flynnzie

Deb Lewis

***The funeral is tomorrow and it is open casket. He says he wants to go,***

Is there still time for the visitation today, before the funeral? You might
take him. He might like to see her and ask you some questions before the
room is full of other people. Did you tell him she doesn't quite look like
herself? That might help. Are you willing to leave the funeral with him
if he doesn't want to be there?

My son's grandfathers died within a few months of each other. There was no
funeral for my dad and Dylan was very curious about what was going to happen
to the body. My dad was cremated, so we talked about that process and Dylan
found it very interesting. He was eight at the time.
There was a funeral for his other grandfather who was also cremated, and
Dylan attended the funeral and was glad he did so. So, no open casket, but
Dylan saw both grandfathers, at home, after they died.

It might be upsetting. Funerals are upsetting for many people. That
doesn't mean he shouldn't go if he wants to.

Deb Lewis

Ren Allen

~~We celebrate birth and treat death like this horrible thing, but it
can be a beautiful time to remember and celebrate life, as well as
educate our children on the reality of it. It can all be done with
great integrity and honor for the deceased.~~

I agree.
I think this idea that children need to be "protected" from funerals
and being part of the death/dying process leads to a very disconnected
society in regards to death.

We relegate all the important life functions to institutions these
days; education, birth, death, healthcare etc... but in times past,
the home would have been the center for most of those activities.
Being part of the families rituals for death and burial are integral
parts of growing up. Children actually handle it quite well in my
experience, it's the adults that muck it up.

Children tend to come and go from the death and dying rituals as
needed. They are quite comfortable sitting and playing a game, then
switching over to questioning or crying and just as easily back to
laughing and playing. If you trust them and give them space in which
to do this, they'll get what they need from the activity.

I've met SO many adults that lost a relative as a child and were not
permitted to be a part of the dying process OR the funeral. There is
this huge, painful hole for them and it's not something they got over.

Treat death just like any other part of life. Because it is. And it's
all part of our journey and learning experiences. Embracing the chance
to connect as a family in the face of death is a beautiful thing.

I remember the scene in my mother's death room....toddlers, kids,
adults all talking to her, rubbing her forehead (or not, if they
weren't comfortable) eating, coming and going. Every child there was
honored for what they needed at the moment. Some of them wanted to
comfort her, some of them just popped in the room occasionally. The
truly wonderful part is that my family supported each and every person
in how they needed to cope. Age was not a factor. We were all there
together, supporting each other. I think it would have been a crime to
exclude anyone based on age or the idea that watching my mother dying
was too hard for a child to handle.

We have this very open and honest method of dealing with death...I'm
very thankful for that.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Ren Allen

~~Children do great with death, then they learn later (from adults) to
freak out
about it.~~

This is SO true. Dead bodies and death would have been a lot more
common for human beings to come in contact with in times past (not
always a good thing...war can desensitize people of course) and people
would have dealt with it!

Living on a farm means coming in contact with death as a normal
phenomenon. Dying at home and holding home funerals or burials would
have made death a much more intimate activity. I think that's pretty
healthy. I really can't stand our current death rituals in this
country but I won't get into that here.

The bottom line is that children need to be trusted. The image of a
dead body doesn't ruin anyone, but the adults fear and reactions can.
Being comfortable with a dead body might be a good skill to
learn....or at least being comfortable with supporting your child
through this need.

Back to my Mom....my sister and I felt no need to go view my Mums body
as we had been right next to her throughout the dying process. The
kids however, wanted to go, so we took them. It's really interesting
how very matter-of-fact they all were about it. They had questions
about the treatment her body received upon death, how things would
proceed from here and what happens when a person dies. Tons and tons
of questions, many of which had no answer for me. But I love the image
I have of the kids coming and going from this, just as they did in the
hospital room. They were learning. And from that experience they all
took away important bits for their journey and said goodbye to a
grandmother they loved in their own way.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

dana_burdick

>Children tend to come and go from the death and dying rituals as
>needed. They are quite comfortable sitting and playing a game, then
>switching over to questioning or crying and just as easily back to
>laughing and playing. If you trust them and give them space in which
>to do this, they'll get what they need from the activity.

And, adults do the same things at funerals; they will go from crying to
laughing as they share there thoughts and feelings about the person who
has touched their lives. They will take a walk outside for some alone
time just as a child switches to playing a game.

-Dana

Chris

I also agree that when my child has the opportunity to go to a
funeral, I hope that they want to attend and will encourage them to do so.

I found that by being around death at an early age has helped me to
understand more clearly that it is a part of life... it's a process we
all go through, and that it isn't something to be feared.

Also, in my life funerals have always been an opportunity to see loved
and missed family members whom I only would see very rarely (usually
at funerals), so there was always wonderful celebrations as well which
really helped me see the beauty in the gathering of so many family
members (regardless of the reason).

Lastly, and on a much more personal note, I was reasonably young when
my grandmother passed away. However, I was still old enough to notice
that it was the first time I'd ever seen my father cry, and that was a
powerful and meaningful experience for me because it helped me see my
father as more "human." He was always incredibly loving and
supportive, but never cried around me.

I feel that a funeral is a wonderful unschooling experience in which
many topics can be discussed in an open and candid manner.

-Chris

--- In [email protected], "Wildflower Car"
<unschoolfool@...> wrote:
>
> If my children want to go to a funeral. I let them. I explain what is
> expected and how it will proceed
> so that they are prepared. I've never had a problem. We celebrate
birth and
> treat death like this horrible thing, but it can be a beautiful time to
> remember and celebrate life, as well as educate our children on the
reality
> of it. It can all be done with great integrity and honor for the
deceased.
>
> Much Love,
> Wildflower
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Turn searches into helpful donations. Make your search count.
>
http://click4thecause.live.com/search/charity/default.aspx?source=hmemtagline_donation&FORM=WLMTAG
>

The Jeffrees

On that note; last February my sister in law passed away leaving 5 children. She died at home and all the children were (temporarily) living with her at the time. The youngest of them definitely coped better at the time of her mother's death and has continued to do so. My son who was 8 at the time stayed with me as I dealt with the funeral directors and supervised her body being removed from the home. I believe it gave him a sense of acceptance and closure to know exactly what was happening. Whereas the other children chose to go away and the 19 year old daughter was forced (by her father) to because she didn't want to let them take her mother. Personally, I wish he hadn't been in such a rush to get the funeral director there (they were not married and had not been for a long time) and had let the girls properly farewell their mother. I'm going off into a tangent, I'll leave it at that.

Kindest Wishes,
Anita
-xxx-


----- Original Message -----
From: Ren Allen
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, January 30, 2007 1:01 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: child attending funeral?


Dying at home and holding home funerals or burials would
have made death a much more intimate activity. I think that's pretty
healthy.
.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Susan

Others have shared their childhood experiences with funerals. I'll
probably never forget my first funeral, but I'm not traumatized by it
either. A neighbor of ours passed away when I was about 8 and my
parents asked if I wanted to go to the funeral and I did.

She wasn't a close family friend and I didn't even know her all that
well, but I had a very deep emotional reaction to her death and
funeral. I was very curious about death and maybe it was the first
time I'd really thought about human mortality- I'm not exactly what
affected me so much, but I cried a lot at the funeral. My parents
handled this really well - they didn't tell me to hush or try to give
me irrational explanations about death and dying and they didn't
belittle my experience at all. They let me cry and gently answered all
my questions as honestly as possible.

Then they took me rollerskating for the first time and that was almost
like a pressure value releasing - I laughed and cried and laughed some
more and by the time we went home I was back in a pretty level emotion
state. I'll always remember that as the night I learned to
rollerskate. I barely remember the neighbor but I can still recall how
loving and understanding my parents were.

I've tried to follow that example with my own kids. When their great
grandmother passed away it was very sudden, once it was known that she
was dying (she had very advanced cancer which had gone undiagnosed) we
had just a few hours with her. The family gathered - children included
- and we were all there in the room with her as she died. The kids sat
on her bed, held her hand, whispered in her ear, colored, watched tv,
read books, laughed, asked questions, cried, gave her goodbye hugs &
kisses, and were part of the whole experience.

The nurses raised their eyebrows about this and when it was apparent
that she was within minutes of death they said we should take the
children out. We said no thanks. If we'd pulled them out of the room
just as she passed away, this would have upset them deeply as they
would have felt they were abandoning her and that they were being
excluded from something important. Instead we stood our ground and the
kids now have that memory to hold onto. They saw that death was
handled as natural part of life, with all range of feelings and
emotions accepted and respected.

-- Susan

Laura Beaudin

A nice idea might be to create a memory book about his great great
grandmother. It is a way to turn her death into a positive experience
and I'm sure that the whole family would like to see such a memento.

Laura

Susan wrote:
> Others have shared their childhood experiences with funerals. I'll
> probably never forget my first funeral, but I'm not traumatized by it
> either. A neighbor of ours passed away when I was about 8 and my
> parents asked if I wanted to go to the funeral and I did.
>
> She wasn't a close family friend and I didn't even know her all that
> well, but I had a very deep emotional reaction to her death and
> funeral. I was very curious about death and maybe it was the first
> time I'd really thought about human mortality- I'm not exactly what
> affected me so much, but I cried a lot at the funeral. My parents
> handled this really well - they didn't tell me to hush or try to give
> me irrational explanations about death and dying and they didn't
> belittle my experience at all. They let me cry and gently answered all
> my questions as honestly as possible.
>
> Then they took me rollerskating for the first time and that was almost
> like a pressure value releasing - I laughed and cried and laughed some
> more and by the time we went home I was back in a pretty level emotion
> state. I'll always remember that as the night I learned to
> rollerskate. I barely remember the neighbor but I can still recall how
> loving and understanding my parents were.
>
> I've tried to follow that example with my own kids. When their great
> grandmother passed away it was very sudden, once it was known that she
> was dying (she had very advanced cancer which had gone undiagnosed) we
> had just a few hours with her. The family gathered - children included
> - and we were all there in the room with her as she died. The kids sat
> on her bed, held her hand, whispered in her ear, colored, watched tv,
> read books, laughed, asked questions, cried, gave her goodbye hugs &
> kisses, and were part of the whole experience.
>
> The nurses raised their eyebrows about this and when it was apparent
> that she was within minutes of death they said we should take the
> children out. We said no thanks. If we'd pulled them out of the room
> just as she passed away, this would have upset them deeply as they
> would have felt they were abandoning her and that they were being
> excluded from something important. Instead we stood our ground and the
> kids now have that memory to hold onto. They saw that death was
> handled as natural part of life, with all range of feelings and
> emotions accepted and respected.
>
> -- Susan
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>

Beth Mouser

Wow! I really appreciate all of the thoughtful responses to my
ambivalence about letting my 10-YO go to his great,great-
grandmother's funeral.

I did let him go and it was a very nice funeral and he didn't seem
too upset. However, that night he did want to sleep with me which he
hasn't done for awhile (I enjoyed having him there with me
actually).

I was very happy to hear that he was going to get to have grandma's
first place blue ribbon from the state fair along with a picture of
her with it. My son boasted to everyone about how his great, great-
grandma was the best crotcheter in Idaho!

I am glad he went and I do agree that death seems very remote to many
of us today. I did not see a dead person at a funeral until I was
around 18 or so. I like the idea of having births and deaths at
home, but that certainly wasn't the way I was raised.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their thoughts~
Beth-

-- In [email protected], Laura Beaudin
<laura.beaudin@...> wrote:
>
> A nice idea might be to create a memory book about his great great
> grandmother. It is a way to turn her death into a positive
experience
> and I'm sure that the whole family would like to see such a memento.
>
> Laura
>
> Susan wrote:
> > Others have shared their childhood experiences with funerals. I'll
> > probably never forget my first funeral, but I'm not traumatized
by it
> > either. A neighbor of ours passed away when I was about 8 and my
> > parents asked if I wanted to go to the funeral and I did.
> >
> > She wasn't a close family friend and I didn't even know her all
that
> > well, but I had a very deep emotional reaction to her death and
> > funeral. I was very curious about death and maybe it was the first
> > time I'd really thought about human mortality- I'm not exactly
what
> > affected me so much, but I cried a lot at the funeral. My parents
> > handled this really well - they didn't tell me to hush or try to
give
> > me irrational explanations about death and dying and they didn't
> > belittle my experience at all. They let me cry and gently
answered all
> > my questions as honestly as possible.
> >
> > Then they took me rollerskating for the first time and that was
almost
> > like a pressure value releasing - I laughed and cried and laughed
some
> > more and by the time we went home I was back in a pretty level
emotion
> > state. I'll always remember that as the night I learned to
> > rollerskate. I barely remember the neighbor but I can still
recall how
> > loving and understanding my parents were.
> >
> > I've tried to follow that example with my own kids. When their
great
> > grandmother passed away it was very sudden, once it was known
that she
> > was dying (she had very advanced cancer which had gone
undiagnosed) we
> > had just a few hours with her. The family gathered - children
included
> > - and we were all there in the room with her as she died. The
kids sat
> > on her bed, held her hand, whispered in her ear, colored, watched
tv,
> > read books, laughed, asked questions, cried, gave her goodbye
hugs &
> > kisses, and were part of the whole experience.
> >
> > The nurses raised their eyebrows about this and when it was
apparent
> > that she was within minutes of death they said we should take the
> > children out. We said no thanks. If we'd pulled them out of the
room
> > just as she passed away, this would have upset them deeply as they
> > would have felt they were abandoning her and that they were being
> > excluded from something important. Instead we stood our ground
and the
> > kids now have that memory to hold onto. They saw that death was
> > handled as natural part of life, with all range of feelings and
> > emotions accepted and respected.
> >
> > -- Susan
> >
> >
> >
> > Yahoo! Groups Links
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/31/2007 1:29:05 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
mouser4@... writes:

I did let him go and it was a very nice funeral and he didn't seem
too upset. However, that night he did want to sleep with me which he
hasn't done for awhile (I enjoyed having him there with me
actually).



thank you for being such a great parent and letting him sleep with you when
he needs to; you are making the world a better place by doing so!!!!! :-)
Glad it all worked out.
Adriana




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Laureen

Heya!

I haven't read all the replies, but I did want to respond...


On 1/28/07, Beth Mouser <mouser4@...> wrote:
> I worry he is going to regret it and not be able to shake the memory of
> her looking definitely unlike herself.

I can't speak for your son, or his memories. But when I was 11, my
father died after a long, hard battle with pancreatic cancer. His body
was in terrible shape by the end. And my grandfather, never entirely
sane under the best circumstances, lost it, and had an open casket
funeral.

As the principal mourner (what a ghastly concept), I was expected to
stand by the head of the casket as the attendees filed past to pay
their respects. So I stood there by my dad's corpse for about 45
minutes.

And even at 11, I knew that the thing in the box was not my father,
that he'd gone on to something new.

And as ghastly as this sounds... my mother had helped me research
funerial preparation techniques, so that I understood why the thing in
the box looked so much better than dad actually did when he died.
Hardcore unschooling, that. But it really, really helped me then,
understand what was going on, and to some degree, to distance myself
from *that* being *dad*, you know?

But to address your primary concern... that is not the memory I hold
of my dad. There are a hundred others. I can pull that one up if I
try, but it's not what pops into my head at all.

--
~~L!

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