Carrie

Hello all,

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but I fear I am not a very good
playmate. My son is 26mo and my only child.

I recently read Playful Parenting which has helped a bit in
understanding more about why and how playing can be helpful. But I
also think that book is geared towards older kids and I'm feeling..
helpless and boring right now. I feel sorry for my son stuck with me
as a playmate sometimes!

We do some things very well -- We do very well going out and DOING
things -- we spent four hours at the science museum yesterday which
was awesome. We have a weekly playgroup which is sometimes good and
sometimes not so much. I love crafty things so sometimes we'll stamp
and cut up paper and play with yarn and things like that.

Other things though I'm at a loss. For example, my son loves
playdough. You'd think this would be right up this alley except that
my son seems very particular about how he wants things to work. Which
can make it really tedious for me after a while. With playdough, I'm
not "allowed" to make my own things -- that's my word for it. If I try
to make creatures (like dinosaurs since he likes dinosaur books) he'll
destroy them before I get a chance to even show him what I was doing.
He will give me pieces and tell me to make snakes. We use cookie
cutters too, but I'm not allowed to pick them out OR put them in the
playdough. I'm only allowed to roll it out for him.

He also really loves trains and we have one of those train tables with
some trains. I have figured out one way to play with these, which is I
am assigned some trains and I get to chase him around the table with
these. This is fun for a little while but I get tired of it loooong
before he does. Sometimes I can play for 15 minutes or so and then
I'll say I'm taking a break and knit or something while he plays by
himself. But he soon wants me to play again and...

I just get bored :( I feel like I'm boring and just not understanding
what it is that he wants from me. I also get frustrated because it's
often a very long day with just the two of us and I of course have
things I like to do, like knit or check my email, and I need time to
recharge my own batteries, but often don't get it.

I don't WANT to be boring but I'm having a hard time playing things
like these when we're home for extended periods (which has been more
often lately with roads closed and such). I've purchased some "idea"
books recently which have some ideas that I'm hoping to introduce as
play options. My son refuses to do anything involving "instructions"
-- which is fine, but that seems to be a lot of the advice I'm
getting. He won't sit around in a circle or anything like that.

I'm also a bit baffled about the internal "rules" he seems to have.
We've never attended a class with rules and I'm a very flexible
person. We don't have many rules, in fact the only one I can think of
is you have to be in the carseat when we're driving.

I'm starting to ramble, so I'll close now. I hope all of these makes
some sense. As usual I know that when I feel like something is wrong,
it's usually me that needs a new perspective and new ideas. You all
are a great list for those!

Thanks,
Carrie

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "Carrie" <cyandell@...>
wrote:
> I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but I fear I am not a very
good
> playmate. My son is 26mo and my only child.

Hi, Carrie, I'm Meredith, mom to Morgan, who is 5 and stepmom to
Rayan, 13. I'm not a very good playmate either! Although I've gotten
better. But playing is a long way from the only thing I do with my
kids so I have some questions for you (to consider, not something
you *have* to answer on the board).

One thing that wasn't terribly clear from your post is how much one-
on-one playing your son actually wants from you - some kids like
more than others. Can you fill up his need to connect with mom
verbally? Ask him questions and talk to him about what he's doing or
talk about what *you* are doing.

It also wasn't clear to me if playing with your son was the main way
y'all are interacting. Are you inviting him to do other things
around the home with you? He's at an age when kids are often
facinated by the adult world and really excited to take part any way
they can.

> We do some things very well -- We do very well going out and DOING
> things -- we spent four hours at the science museum yesterday which
> was awesome.

Do you have a sense of what makes "going out" different? Is it the
change of scenery, the other people, or the kinds of activities? The
examples you give of playing at home were kind of stationary. I have
two really active kids, so my inclination is to wonder if y'all need
more whole-body kinds of things to do at home - more opportunities
to run or jump or climb or whatever.

> my son seems very particular about how he wants things to work.
Which
> can make it really tedious for me after a while. With playdough,
I'm
> not "allowed" to make my own things

Try thinking of this from a different angle - your ds has his own
ideas about what he wants to do, make, explore and learn about while
he's working with playdough. Great! He doesn't need the "more" you
are offerring him - in a sense, you are trying to teach him
something while he's busy learning something else. Make snakes. Try
talking to him about the snakes - does he want long ones or short?
fat or skinny? Do the snakes have names or are they intended as
parts for something else?

> I'm also a bit baffled about the internal "rules" he seems to have.

Reading your description, I don't see him having "rules" - I see mom
having expectations that don't line up with a child's needs in the
moment.

I haven't read Playful Parenting, so I don't really know what it has
to say about playing with children.

It sounds to me like you are thinking of play as though you "should"
be able to play like a child and enjoy playing. That's an idea you
may need to let go for awhile. Focus on enjoying Mom Things about
spending time with your kid. Look at him and think happy mom-
thoughts about how much you love him. Watch the way his little hands
work and marvel. Revel in the fact that you have Time, right Now! to
spend with your little guy. Use the long moments as a spiritual
discipline, like meditation.

> I don't WANT to be boring

Is your son bored? I hear you saying *you* are bored, but he seems
to have plenty of ideas about what he want to do and even how he
wants to go about doing it! Maybe the shift you need is to find more
ways to fill up your own need for mental stimulation while also
spending time with a very young child. That's challenging. One of my
strategies has been to switch my favorite message boards to digest
form. That makes it easier to print out the day's messages so I can
pick them up and put them down, make notes in the margin, even hand-
write replies on the backs. Its a little easier to set down than
knitting (although I also recommend knitting in the round as easier
to put down!). Uses a lot of paper sometimes, though!

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

alisonslp

how often and for how long does he want you to play with him? Is he
content to play on his own as well? If not, I'd work towards that.
Play with him for a while and then excuse yourself to do a daily
routine - but be available to him and also invite him to help you. I
remember that my kids loved helping me at that age. No matter what
they were doing, if they heard/saw me busy with something, they'd want
to jump right in. And I'd find ways to have them help me as best I
could. They became independent players very early on because I gave
them the space to explore on their own. As long as you make yourself
available when he seems to be looking for it, it's fine to let him
explore on his own. It's also ok to guide his play so that he's more
accepting of your "needs" too - " I really want to make a dinosaur so
it can watch us, but I will make a snake for you after this." He *may*
be getting upset and trying to control the situation because he feels
you are trying to take away from his thoughts (mommy wants me to make
a dino), even if this isn't your intention. But if you make it clear
(through your actions), that you are playing for yourself, not to
"show" him something he may be more accepting. Also, this may work
better if he sees you initiating the activity, without inviting him
in. For example, start playing with the trains your way - if he's
interested in what you are doing, he will join in, if not, that's ok too.

Alison

Nance Confer

I just get bored :( I feel like I'm boring and just not understanding
what it is that he wants from me.

*********

Hurray! The truth has been spoken! Playing with a young (or even older) child can be boring.

As a matter of fact, much of parenthood is boring.

But all necessary -- changing diapers and picking up toys and cooking the same meals over and over and playing the same games (just so and no other way :) ) -- all needed.

For a short time.

And then the next set of less-than-scintillating activities are needed.

Not by you, necessarily. But by your precious child.

So, you get on with it. Play the next game of "knock down the blocks" or peek-a-boo or Chutes & Ladders or paint your fingernails cool colors (my DD now) or look how hard I can kick this target (my DS now).

And it goes on from here, I assume.

And then, poof, they are adults who are actually quite engaging. And, you know, they already are -- some of the time. When they reach a certain age and their interests overlap with mine and the mood strikes, we actually have quite interesting conversations.

But, at 26 months? The days can get long. It's not you. It happens.

What to do about it? Have fun when you can, relax, suck it up, realize this time goes by quickly, get out, get yourself a hobby -- I'm a reader and by now the kids are used to seeing me with a book in front of my face, etc.

My two cents. :)

Nance

Cocking A Snook
A Blog for Thinking Parents
http://cockingasnook.wordpress.com/

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Amy Mason

I love to play because I still have vivid memories of being a kid but I
do still get tired (bored) of playing with my four kids. I play a lot
individually whatever they have in mind or we all play with one chosen
theme of toys but when I have had enough of imagining time I suggest a
game...we love board games in this house and it's a great way to include
dad and for me to get away from pretend for a while. Even as young as
your child there are games you can play with him. When it was just my
first we were playing memory and Teletubbies game and others. And like
the last poster suggested...when I get tired of playing something...I
excuse myself to go do the dishes or laundry and my children usually
just keep on going without me. It gives me a little break and then I'm
fresh to join in again in a few minutes.
Amy

Carrie Yandell

Thanks everyone for the feedback.. I've had a lot to think about
yesterday and this morning!

To answer some questions, we definitely do do a lot of other things
around the house, cleaning, cooking etc. One of Nathan's favorite
things in the whole world is cleaning windows :) When he was itty
bitty, I was complaining to a friend that I didn't know what to "do
with" him, and she advised to just do your normal things, cleaning,
cooking, whatever, with baby in the sling right along with you. So I
did and it was brilliant and we've done that ever since! Turns out she
is an unschooler although I didn't know what that meant at the time :)

Lately my husband has been out of town or working late, which means
it's 12-14 hours of just Nathan and I.. which is a long day. Even a
day of going out, fixing meals, doing a little cleaning, going for a
walk, and watching a movie is still long and trains and playdough are
his favorite things at the moment so he'll want to do those for a good
hour or more. He IS very active and we live in a small apartment with
no yard so going out is essential if at all possible! Although we've
been doing a lot of bed jumping lately :)

Another thing I should have mentioned which may have something to do
with all of this is that I'm 20 weeks pregnant and Nathan knows
something's up. He's "clingier" (although I dislike that phrase) and
has less independent play than he used to during the day when it's
just me. When my husband is at home, there's a computer right next to
the train table and my husband can happily play games on the computer
while Nathan plays with the trains with apparently few problems. My
husband can do whatever he wants with the playdough. The ironic thing
is that my husband *does* try and "teach" him things which drives me
bonkers and Nathan never shows any interest.

I don't think I'm trying to show or teach anything.. although it's
possible. The suggestion to be more "in the moment" is something I had
forgotten and will work on. I've kind of gotten in the habit of making
things I'm doing more fun for my son so we can do it together.. like
when I do scrapbooking or making cards, I have some toy stamps and
washable ink that DS loves to play with and stamp right along with me.
So making a dinosaur was an extension of that, I think. I'll ahve to
pay more attention. I LOVE the suggestion of getting it out myself to
play first. That will be fun to try.

The main differences between going out and staying in is that we
usually go somewhere where he can run around and expend some energy.
Plus I don't feel the pressure to be incredibly entertaining -- I
think that's pressure I must be putting on myself. Maybe Nathan does
just want me to be there. I'll have to try just talking more too as
also suggested.

It's strange, I do remember playing as a child -- I have a younger
brother and I remember our room being full of animals and cars and
barbies and GI Joe in strategic locations and I know we played with
them... but I don't remember how or what we were doing exactly. I
guess I've felt there's something wrong with me for feeling lost or
not doing what was expected of me. Maybe I need to just chill out :)

I'm glad I'm not the only one! Thanks again,
Carrie

Mindy Evans

You know, from your post, it sounds like he is perfectly content. Just because "you" are bored, doesn't mean he is. My son ALWAYS smashed up anything I made with play dough until he was about 4-5ish.
I was pretty bored too, but my son was perfectly content to just have me there, while he was doing his "thing" and to engage me when he wanted me to do something. He had his own way of doing things too, and didn't like it when I did things different. He would often tell, "I want to do it MY way" when I would try to show him how to do something. I wouldn't worry so much, the boredom only last for a little while (even thought right now it seems like FOREVER...). Soon enough he will be engaged in things that will interest you more. At 6 my DS now asks me how to do things, he gets frustrated sometimes because he can't do it and will revert to his way, but then I catch him trying it on his own later. ( hitting a birdie with a racket the right way, throwing a baseball the "right" way.)
He just has his own ideas, and that is okay with me. It used to frustrate me, but now I see he was trying to "figure it out" without my leading. That can be a good thing, they are thinking ahead, figuring things out. It makes for a great skill later in life.


God Bless You and yours
Mindy Evans
mindyevans@...






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Marieke Willis

--- Carrie Yandell <cyandell@...> wrote:
> He IS very active and we live in a small apartment with
> no yard so going out is essential if at all possible!

We're living in a relatively small apartment too, but when I started
looking into house prices last fall I was shocked at how cheap we'd be
able to buy something, if only we'd be willing to a) commute and b) fix
it up. So we're currently in the process of buying an 830 sq ft house
just north of Dallas for $13,000 on a 0.76 acre lot in a nice little
village. We'll have to spend over $10,000 fixing it up, but that still
makes the house only something like $25,000, which is pretty cheap when
compared to our apartment cost of $618 a month (which will be increased
this summer to $680 a month). Now, the apartment includes water (but
not electricity), but still... What I'm basically saying is that you
might be surprised at what y'all might be able to afford if you're
willing to commute some.

Just a thought,

Marieke



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