encouraging independence?
jsnhawkins
My oldest DS (11) is very dependent upon me. Lately, it's been
driving me crazy. He really doesn't want to do anything for himself.
If I don't fix his food, he doesn't eat. If I don't wash his
clothes, they will lay until every single thing he owns is nasty. He
has projects that he says he want to try, so I help him get started,
and in 2 minutes he's saying "I can't do it". He has problems with a
game he's playing, he gets upset, and doesn't even try to problem
solve.
All that was very negative, I realize, but it seems to be a 24-7
pattern. I try to give him plenty of time and attention. I offer to
read to him, play games, or do projects while DS #2 (21 mths) is
napping and at night. He sometimes accepts and we do things and
sometimes he continues what he is doing (usually playing PS2). But
it never fails, when I am doing just about anything, he suddenly
needs something (a snack made, help finding his shoes, help finding
a phone number, etc) that he could probably do for himself, if he
would just try.
I don't want to be bitter. I pride myself on being an attached
parent, but sometimes it's like we're AP went bad! What can I do to
encourage him to be more independent while still letting him know
that I'm here when he needs me?
Betsy
driving me crazy. He really doesn't want to do anything for himself.
If I don't fix his food, he doesn't eat. If I don't wash his
clothes, they will lay until every single thing he owns is nasty. He
has projects that he says he want to try, so I help him get started,
and in 2 minutes he's saying "I can't do it". He has problems with a
game he's playing, he gets upset, and doesn't even try to problem
solve.
All that was very negative, I realize, but it seems to be a 24-7
pattern. I try to give him plenty of time and attention. I offer to
read to him, play games, or do projects while DS #2 (21 mths) is
napping and at night. He sometimes accepts and we do things and
sometimes he continues what he is doing (usually playing PS2). But
it never fails, when I am doing just about anything, he suddenly
needs something (a snack made, help finding his shoes, help finding
a phone number, etc) that he could probably do for himself, if he
would just try.
I don't want to be bitter. I pride myself on being an attached
parent, but sometimes it's like we're AP went bad! What can I do to
encourage him to be more independent while still letting him know
that I'm here when he needs me?
Betsy
Brian & Alexandra Polikowsky
Sorry Betsy as i don't have much time to type ( i have an eleven month old dd and a 4 yo ds) But for me it seems your ds has been feeling a little in need of mommy. I am sure you are super busy with the 20 month old. I suggest feeling his cup- tending to his needs and engaging him more until his needs for his mommy is met.
I also think you are expecting too much form an 11 yo. I think he does need help doing his laundry.
sorry
gtg
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I also think you are expecting too much form an 11 yo. I think he does need help doing his laundry.
sorry
gtg
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jsnhawkins
--- In [email protected], "Brian & Alexandra
Polikowsky" <polykow@...> wrote:
been feeling a little in need of mommy. I am sure you are super
busy with the 20 month old. I suggest feeling his cup- tending to
his needs and engaging him more until his needs for his mommy is met.
seems like when I have the time to give it, he has better things to
do and needs me when I'm engaged in anything else.
And just for clarification, I absolutely don't expect him to do his
own laundry. I do, however, think it is an acceptable expectation
for him to sort his dirty clothes from his clean, so I will know
what to wash. I woudn't even care if that were two separate piles in
the floor, just so that there is a distinction. That was just one
example, though.
Betsy
Polikowsky" <polykow@...> wrote:
>eleven month old dd and a 4 yo ds) But for me it seems your ds has
>
> Sorry Betsy as i don't have much time to type ( i have an
been feeling a little in need of mommy. I am sure you are super
busy with the 20 month old. I suggest feeling his cup- tending to
his needs and engaging him more until his needs for his mommy is met.
> I also think you are expecting too much form an 11 yo. I thinkhe does need help doing his laundry.
> sorryYou're probably right, he does need more of my attention. It just
> gtg
> Alex
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
seems like when I have the time to give it, he has better things to
do and needs me when I'm engaged in anything else.
And just for clarification, I absolutely don't expect him to do his
own laundry. I do, however, think it is an acceptable expectation
for him to sort his dirty clothes from his clean, so I will know
what to wash. I woudn't even care if that were two separate piles in
the floor, just so that there is a distinction. That was just one
example, though.
Betsy
Brian & Alexandra Polikowsky
Again I have not time...sorry. Just wnated to say a few things that you may be able to do.
If he is playing his PS2 bring him some goodies in a plate and feed him if he wants to.
Sit and watch him play. Learn about what he is playing. Play with him or ask him to show you how to play.
Things like that will make him feel cared for, loved and will fill his cup.
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If he is playing his PS2 bring him some goodies in a plate and feed him if he wants to.
Sit and watch him play. Learn about what he is playing. Play with him or ask him to show you how to play.
Things like that will make him feel cared for, loved and will fill his cup.
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "jsnhawkins"
<jsnhawkins@...> wrote:
(13) needs to actually watch someone do something several times,
and/or get really specific step-by-step instruction several times
before he feels the confidence to try it himself.
One of the things he's been learning since he came to live with us
in November is to make simple foods - we're talking *really* simple,
too, like jello. I start out just making things and asking if he'd
like to watch. After a couple times I'll ask if he wants to make it
with help, help me or if I should just do it? Somewhere along the
line I'll be in the middle of something and he'll initiate making it
himself, but asking me for step-by-step instructions while he's
doing it. He can't stand to read, and doesn't really listen if I
read directions to him - I have to paraphrase into something more
conversational. Eventually he remembers how to do it himself. That's
been the progression with soup, mac-n-cheese, and now jello.
like a desire for reassurance that his mom will always "be there"
for him, so if you are snapping and saying "I'm in the middle of
something, do it yourself" that only aggravates the need. I try to
be alert for times when Ray seems to be at a loss and offer to give
him a hand before he asks - "Do you need a snack? I can get you one
just as soon as I finish these dishes. What would you like?" There's
a big difference in the implications, there.
One of the things I'm used to keeping in mind wrt my 5yr old, and am
now having to translate into my thinking about Ray is "autonomy is
not the same as independence". I want my kids to be Autonomous, and
part of what that means is I want them to be able to decide when
they need help and ask for it. Its possible, when trying to promote
Independence, to undermine Autonomy - to give the message that
needing assistance is a bad thing.
fabric shop there were days when it seemed like all I did was help
other adults figure things out. How do *you* solve problems at home?
I try to make my internal processes a bit more obvious around my
kids - talking out loud instead of keeping it all in my head, or
even bouncing ideas off them the way I would another adult.
---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13 - in Liberty TN, are you my almost-
neighbor, Betsy?!?)
<jsnhawkins@...> wrote:
>Hestarted,
> has projects that he says he want to try, so I help him get
> and in 2 minutes he's saying "I can't do it".What are you doing to "help him get started"? Sometimes my stepson
(13) needs to actually watch someone do something several times,
and/or get really specific step-by-step instruction several times
before he feels the confidence to try it himself.
One of the things he's been learning since he came to live with us
in November is to make simple foods - we're talking *really* simple,
too, like jello. I start out just making things and asking if he'd
like to watch. After a couple times I'll ask if he wants to make it
with help, help me or if I should just do it? Somewhere along the
line I'll be in the middle of something and he'll initiate making it
himself, but asking me for step-by-step instructions while he's
doing it. He can't stand to read, and doesn't really listen if I
read directions to him - I have to paraphrase into something more
conversational. Eventually he remembers how to do it himself. That's
been the progression with soup, mac-n-cheese, and now jello.
> it never fails, when I am doing just about anything, he suddenlyfinding
> needs something (a snack made, help finding his shoes, help
> a phone number, etc) that he could probably do for himself, if heHow do you respond in these kinds of situations? Some of this sounds
> would just try.
like a desire for reassurance that his mom will always "be there"
for him, so if you are snapping and saying "I'm in the middle of
something, do it yourself" that only aggravates the need. I try to
be alert for times when Ray seems to be at a loss and offer to give
him a hand before he asks - "Do you need a snack? I can get you one
just as soon as I finish these dishes. What would you like?" There's
a big difference in the implications, there.
One of the things I'm used to keeping in mind wrt my 5yr old, and am
now having to translate into my thinking about Ray is "autonomy is
not the same as independence". I want my kids to be Autonomous, and
part of what that means is I want them to be able to decide when
they need help and ask for it. Its possible, when trying to promote
Independence, to undermine Autonomy - to give the message that
needing assistance is a bad thing.
> He has problems with aPlenty of adults have trouble problem solving. When I worked in a
> game he's playing, he gets upset, and doesn't even try to problem
> solve.
fabric shop there were days when it seemed like all I did was help
other adults figure things out. How do *you* solve problems at home?
I try to make my internal processes a bit more obvious around my
kids - talking out loud instead of keeping it all in my head, or
even bouncing ideas off them the way I would another adult.
---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13 - in Liberty TN, are you my almost-
neighbor, Betsy?!?)
Melissa
I have an eleven yo (Josh) as well. I think one of the best things about our unschooling is
that the focus is on relationships, right? So we try to have a relationship where the kids
WANT to be with us. By spending time with me, they see what I'm doing, they see the
steps, they have a chance to help if they care to. Very frequently whomever is hanging out
with me in the kitchen will ask what they can do to help. The model is me, when they are
having trouble, asking what *I* can do to help.
We may have a different situation, because with so many people in one house, there is the
expectation that everyone does what they can to help. Children are involved from very
young, happily, in toting around laundry, stirring food, dusting. If I really want to finish
something, they know that they have me if they need me, but are just as likely to join in
when I ask if I can finish something 'real quick'. They are with me and I say "Do you mind
helping me carry this laundry downstairs?" or "Can you stir this sauce while I start the
water boiling?" That's an incremental step, but they build up after a while.
If someone is asking for help, I always try to stop right there and help them. Not only are
you saying that you're 'here to help' (ack...too much koala brothers!), but they are wanting
to learn right then, and you can step them through. Josh can't remember phone numbers
to friends or places, and nearly always needs help finding them in the phone book. He
knows where to get the phone books, but still needs help finding the specific person or
place. Sometimes I can talk him through it, sometimes he just needs me there.
I think the hardest part to remember is that they are where they are. Just age should not
define what one thinks a child should be able to do (and I guess I learned that lesson early
having a child with autism) It doesn't matter what an eleven year old 'should' be able to do,
it's an artificial construct anyway, based on professional opinions of psychologists who've
never met your child. What's important to look at is what your son CAN do, and how to
build on that in a supporting manner. It can be hard, I won't deny that, but often the
realization that someday they'll be adults and won't WANT our help can stifle the bitter
feelings. I still remember the hurt look on my dad's face (he's always one for giving advice,
whether you want it or not) the day I told him to stop telling me what to do! I was nearly
25...had four kids and he still couldn't let go. It's just as bad to tell a child that they HAVE
to let go of their parent.
Hope this helps, I tend to ramble when kids don't want my attentions ;-)
that the focus is on relationships, right? So we try to have a relationship where the kids
WANT to be with us. By spending time with me, they see what I'm doing, they see the
steps, they have a chance to help if they care to. Very frequently whomever is hanging out
with me in the kitchen will ask what they can do to help. The model is me, when they are
having trouble, asking what *I* can do to help.
We may have a different situation, because with so many people in one house, there is the
expectation that everyone does what they can to help. Children are involved from very
young, happily, in toting around laundry, stirring food, dusting. If I really want to finish
something, they know that they have me if they need me, but are just as likely to join in
when I ask if I can finish something 'real quick'. They are with me and I say "Do you mind
helping me carry this laundry downstairs?" or "Can you stir this sauce while I start the
water boiling?" That's an incremental step, but they build up after a while.
If someone is asking for help, I always try to stop right there and help them. Not only are
you saying that you're 'here to help' (ack...too much koala brothers!), but they are wanting
to learn right then, and you can step them through. Josh can't remember phone numbers
to friends or places, and nearly always needs help finding them in the phone book. He
knows where to get the phone books, but still needs help finding the specific person or
place. Sometimes I can talk him through it, sometimes he just needs me there.
I think the hardest part to remember is that they are where they are. Just age should not
define what one thinks a child should be able to do (and I guess I learned that lesson early
having a child with autism) It doesn't matter what an eleven year old 'should' be able to do,
it's an artificial construct anyway, based on professional opinions of psychologists who've
never met your child. What's important to look at is what your son CAN do, and how to
build on that in a supporting manner. It can be hard, I won't deny that, but often the
realization that someday they'll be adults and won't WANT our help can stifle the bitter
feelings. I still remember the hurt look on my dad's face (he's always one for giving advice,
whether you want it or not) the day I told him to stop telling me what to do! I was nearly
25...had four kids and he still couldn't let go. It's just as bad to tell a child that they HAVE
to let go of their parent.
Hope this helps, I tend to ramble when kids don't want my attentions ;-)
Carmen Roa
I think that your son is just testing the waters. An almost 2 year old can scoop up a whole 24 hours worth of time and attention in a 2 hour span, and you're surely tired and stressed, but your older son is expressing his needs in an indirect way. He loves and needs you.
I agree with you that he can help with laundry and other chores,too, but you will probably have to give to him before he will be able to reciprocate. The 'cup needs filling' is accurate, but what about your cup, Mom? Maybe you could use some time to tend to your needs, as well.
HTH
Carmen
You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection
than you are yourself,
and you will not find that person anywhere.
Carmen
---------------------------------
Want to start your own business? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I agree with you that he can help with laundry and other chores,too, but you will probably have to give to him before he will be able to reciprocate. The 'cup needs filling' is accurate, but what about your cup, Mom? Maybe you could use some time to tend to your needs, as well.
HTH
Carmen
You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection
than you are yourself,
and you will not find that person anywhere.
Carmen
---------------------------------
Want to start your own business? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]