[email protected]

<<<You mean, say okay to every request, no comment even if it may
conflict with meal or other plans, etc.? Today my dh requested dd to
take a rest/quiet-time in our bedroom before her big baseball game,
since he needs to finish some work in the garage and I have not been
feeling well and desperately needed a break. They ate lunch (which
she had a can of grape pop with, no comment/negotiation) then Orion
asked me for a tootsie pop for dessert. Since dh wanted her to go to
bedroom in the next few minutes, I offered her a bag of fruit snacks
instead, and explained that a popsicle takes a long time to eat, and
is not allowed in the bedroom. She protested but then decided to
have the fruit snacks. >>>

Could she have stayed in the kitchen/diningroom(where ever you guys eat)
while you hisband went to the garage and YOU went and took a rest? Would it taking 10 mins longer to go rest been that bad?

<<<I suppose this was not much of a choice for her, so should I just
have said okay despite dh's wishes for the sake of not negotiating
and allowed food in a room where eating is off limits?>>>

I don't think it's as cut and dry as-she gets what she wants OR we get what we want. There are other choices in between the two.

<<<I can almost hear you ask if something else could have been worked
out as far as rest-time. Perhaps this is a whole other issue in
itself, but we were all at a point where some quiet was really
needed, and the only way for that to happen is if we separate for a
short time. I have not been forcing naps for several weeks(unless
younger dd has a meltdown and really needs it). Dh was trying to take
over for me this afternoon, and made the quiet-time decision (new
alternative to nap for when everyone gets overwhelmed,
overstimulated, or when mommy is about to drop over). Another control
issue...or a sanity issue? I have been having a difficult time
seeing clearly, and dh is only going by what I am coming to
understand about restrictions (both parenting and food related). I
really didn't want to question him, nor did I have the energy to give
up the offer.>>>

I know that when I'm way overwhelmed I put my self down for a rest. I let the kids now that it's coming up, we all look for movies for them, big stacks of books, a collection of toys, and snacks and drinks and I build them a fort or nest in the livingroom or what ever room they have chosen. I make it fun for them, and then I retreat to one of the other rooms for some quiet time for me. Sometimes thats a quick nap, sometimes a little while online, or even just reading with out interruptions for 20 min. Something eles that really helps me calm down and find my center is a diskman and a cd of womens yoga chants. It's uplifting and calming at the same time.

<<<Yes, this really bothered me! What have we done to our child? And
what should I have done yesterday when she wanted to (almost did) eat
the ENTIRE box of cookies before dinner? Said nothing at all? And
make no comment when she does not eat a meal?>>>

I'm sorry that she's lieing to you, but this can be your wake up call. Maybe it's time for you to let this go. In my opinion, a box of cookies wouldn't have killed her, was it a huge bulk size box or a regular box? You should see me with a box of Lemon Coolers...oh, and Jason with those Mothers Circus Animals, and my mom with Flik Flaks, my Uncle with Almond Rocca....well you get my point we have all eating way too many cookies before and we're still here.

Could you have smiled and seen how much she was enjoying the cookies and realized that missing one meal wouldn't hurt, you could always make her a sandwich later(didn't you anyways?)

In my eyes meals are way overrated anyways. I'm not usually hungry when Jason is, and the kids usually want to eat something the can hold in their hand while they play. So meals arn't a big thing around here. I'll make up a big batch of something sometime during the day before I go to work, we can all eat it if we want, when we want, or not at all. No biggie, I'll freeze whats left.

<<<Yes, I see now. But now that we are in this situation, should we
allow it (popsicles, other foods formerly negotiated for) under any
circumstance without comment, when they beg for something?>>>

Why negotiate? Why not let them get what they want when they want? We don't restict any food in our house, everything is everyones to eat when they want (well, there are a few things that are bought special for one person, that that person has the choice of sharing, and if we are down to one of something we all ask-this includes parents-if anyone was saving it) Jaiden and Avery eat a very balance died-over all-somedays the stick with sweets, maybe the next will be lots of veggies or will still be sweets. It depends on them. I do try to make sure they eat at least a little protien every day, but I don't force them to if they don't want it. We keep bowls and plates of snacky food out at all time. Right now we have bowls of popcorn, nuts, banana chips, pringles, and leftover Ostra candy on the coffee table. We also have a big plate of cheese, crakers, cut up veggies, dip, peanut butter, and apple slices. I think the candy is the only thing that hasn't been gotten into yet today.

The kids choose what they want at the stores and what they want at any given time. I think that it's important to let them make their own food choices, and once we as parents can be still and let them learn to listen to their own bodies the choices that they make are amazing! They may never make the choices that YOU would make, but they are their own person and will make the choices that are right for them.

<<<It seems we have done this. So how do we best handle the transition
time? I got the suggestion from another list to start by saying yes
more often, but it almost seems like you are suggesting total
freedom?>>>

<<<seems like you are suggesting total
freedom?>>>

YES YES YES!!!! I think that once you let go and TRUST you kids, you will be sooo surprised at how well they learn to listen to their own bodies. I hope that one day I will be able to listen as well as my kids do.

It won't happen overnight, it may take months but it will happen. As long as you can be still and not say anything, more than that, you have to honestly trust. They will know your silent disaproval, and they will respond to it. You need to let go of YOUR food issues. My advise, stop looking at your daughter and delve deeo into yourself and look at your food choices, and your food lables, look at why you view food the way you do. Spend time doing this, write about it, think about it, BUT, do this for YOU, not your daughteer. Let her BE. When you can look at all food as food. not good food-bad food, healthy food-junk food, you'll be there. This will probably happen for your daughter sooner than it'll happen for you. (Comeing from some one with major food issues, that have cause me a lifetime of problems) It is so liberating to not worry about food.

I have not always been free from the food traps, it was the wise words of the people that started this list that opened my eyes to how joyful life could be with out this battle.

I'd be happy to share any part of our journey if you'd like

~Rebecca
--
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin

melissazietlow

--- In [email protected], elfmama@c... wrote:
> Could she have stayed in the kitchen/diningroom(where ever you guys
eat)while you husband went to the garage and YOU went and took a
rest? Would it taking 10 mins longer to go rest been that bad?

No, it wouldn't have been, and I should have allowed it, but at the
time, dh was ready to take her to the bedroom to read a book, and I
was totally wiped out and not thinking clearly. Like I said, dh is
open and trying to understand, but not even close to where I am at
yet (if I am indeed somewhere, that is!).


>I don't think it's as cut and dry as-she gets what she wants OR we
get what we want. There are other choices in between the two.

True. At the time, however, offering the fruit snacks seemed like
another choice!


>I make it fun for them, and then I retreat to one of the other rooms
for some quiet time for me. Sometimes thats a quick nap, sometimes a
little while online, or even just reading with out interruptions for
20 min.

I wish I had somewhere to retreat to. Our house is so small, there
is nowhere to go, where I can feel peace, while dds are occupied in
livingroom. For them, it is the only place they have toys, as their
shared bedroom is too small (sleeping room only with 2 toddler
beds). Other than our bedroom (which dh is using to sleep most of
the day), there is the kitchen and dining room, both right off the
livingroom. It may sound as if I am making excuses, but I really
feel bound by the lack of space, and unable to come up with anything
that will work for all. I do fine with chilling out on the computer
(like now!) in dining room somedays, but when I need to nap is when
we have the conflict. Hopefully we will move soon so we can spread
out more...

>In my opinion, a box of cookies wouldn't have killed her....we have
all eating way too many cookies before and we're still here.

No it didn't kill her. And to my surprise did not even make her
sick. Almost killed me and made me sick, though, and I am just not
sure WHY.


> Could you have smiled and seen how much she was enjoying the
cookies and realized that missing one meal wouldn't hurt, you could
always make her a sandwich later (didn't you anyways?)

Yes, this will be my approach next time.


>I think that once you let go and TRUST you kids, you will be sooo
surprised at how well they learn to listen to their own bodies.

> It won't happen overnight, it may take months but it will happen.
As long as you can be still and not say anything, more than that, you
have to honestly trust. They will know your silent disaproval, and
they will respond to it.

I cannot hear this enough. Thank you.


>You need to let go of YOUR food issues. It is so liberating to not
worry about food.

I do not know what my food issue is. I really don't. I have not
been overly concerned with what I eat, ever. Believe it or not! I am
aware of what healthy choices are, but I don't consistantly make
them, or even worry about them for myself much. The only time I have
dieted, if you can call it that, was to cut back on fast food and
watch carbs a little (not strict or even consistantly) after
pregnancy. I have been aware for most of my adult life that my mother
has been unhappy with her weight and body, and have watched her go
from diet to diet (and into depression from failure), and all the
time I have told her not to focus on it so much. And SHE is the one
telling ME to let them eat whatever they want! Go figure. The
parental responsibility thing, I guess is more my issue? I have felt
personally responsible for my kids' health and bodies.

Melissa Z.