We've been shunned!
Alice
Ok, so I have read a lot of people's difficulties with friends who
have opposite parenting approaches. Some of you have stopped seeing
certain families because the differences became so great that there
were more negatives than positives to the relationship. Has anyone
been outright ditched by a friend because of your radical unschooling
approach has a negative affect (supposedly!) on their traditionally
parented children???
I have neighbors who live 2 doors down from us with 2 kids the same
age and gender as mine. The kids all enjoy playing together. The
neighbor family does all the traditional things - school, timeouts,
groundings, spankings, arbritrary rules, etc. So their two kids LOVE
LOVE LOVE to play at our house. All four kids will happily play for
days on end- at our home only. The neighbor kids (nk) beg to eat with
us, sleep with us, everything! The neighbor mom has expressed dismay
at the fact that no one wants to play at her house. I was honest with
her about the reason. The kids told me that they like to play at my
house because I let them play things that are not allowed at their
house, such as Dungeons & Dragons and swordplay. My house is just
more fun!
Lately, we - meaning my family and the neighbor kids - have had
conversations about topics such as being made to eat all your food on
your plate, being punished, stuff like that. I try to be supportive
of their parents - I guess... but it is hard! And my kids like to
say, "We don't have to eat what we don't want to eat!" I can only
imagine what gets back to the neighbor parents. The kids are old
enough to discuss this type of thing with each other and they do.
So the other day the nk's told us that they were no longer allowed to
play at our home because we "cuss". I am just not sure how to take
this! Of course we don't punish our children for their language
(which exactly mimics are own). We say things like crap, sh*t, maybe
d**mn occasionally. We are not spewing profanity in every sentence.
So I certainly feel that saying we cuss is a gross overstatement. My
kids say that the nk's "cuss like mad sailors" when they are over at
our house. (probably because they can't at home and so they go wild
over here?) My guess is that the boy cussed at his own home, blamed it
on us when he got in trouble, and now they are both forbidden to come
over because we are a bad influence.
My own kids really don't care that much and find it rather humorous.
They like playing with these kids but don't miss them either. And my
kids can still go over to their house, just not vice versa. I guess
that way the neighbors can keep a better eye on the kids - presumably
step in if anybody starts "misbehaving". My kids don't like going
over there for obvious reasons. I am not sure if I should say
anything or if I should just let this play itself out or what. I feel
falsely accused but if I step back and look at it from their point of
view, yes, we parent in a radically different way then them and it
very well could undermine their "authority". I feel sad for their
kids most of all.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Any advice? The mom
hasn't exactly said anything to me yet - I have just heard of the
"shunning" from the kids.
-Alice
the rabid cusser
have opposite parenting approaches. Some of you have stopped seeing
certain families because the differences became so great that there
were more negatives than positives to the relationship. Has anyone
been outright ditched by a friend because of your radical unschooling
approach has a negative affect (supposedly!) on their traditionally
parented children???
I have neighbors who live 2 doors down from us with 2 kids the same
age and gender as mine. The kids all enjoy playing together. The
neighbor family does all the traditional things - school, timeouts,
groundings, spankings, arbritrary rules, etc. So their two kids LOVE
LOVE LOVE to play at our house. All four kids will happily play for
days on end- at our home only. The neighbor kids (nk) beg to eat with
us, sleep with us, everything! The neighbor mom has expressed dismay
at the fact that no one wants to play at her house. I was honest with
her about the reason. The kids told me that they like to play at my
house because I let them play things that are not allowed at their
house, such as Dungeons & Dragons and swordplay. My house is just
more fun!
Lately, we - meaning my family and the neighbor kids - have had
conversations about topics such as being made to eat all your food on
your plate, being punished, stuff like that. I try to be supportive
of their parents - I guess... but it is hard! And my kids like to
say, "We don't have to eat what we don't want to eat!" I can only
imagine what gets back to the neighbor parents. The kids are old
enough to discuss this type of thing with each other and they do.
So the other day the nk's told us that they were no longer allowed to
play at our home because we "cuss". I am just not sure how to take
this! Of course we don't punish our children for their language
(which exactly mimics are own). We say things like crap, sh*t, maybe
d**mn occasionally. We are not spewing profanity in every sentence.
So I certainly feel that saying we cuss is a gross overstatement. My
kids say that the nk's "cuss like mad sailors" when they are over at
our house. (probably because they can't at home and so they go wild
over here?) My guess is that the boy cussed at his own home, blamed it
on us when he got in trouble, and now they are both forbidden to come
over because we are a bad influence.
My own kids really don't care that much and find it rather humorous.
They like playing with these kids but don't miss them either. And my
kids can still go over to their house, just not vice versa. I guess
that way the neighbors can keep a better eye on the kids - presumably
step in if anybody starts "misbehaving". My kids don't like going
over there for obvious reasons. I am not sure if I should say
anything or if I should just let this play itself out or what. I feel
falsely accused but if I step back and look at it from their point of
view, yes, we parent in a radically different way then them and it
very well could undermine their "authority". I feel sad for their
kids most of all.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Any advice? The mom
hasn't exactly said anything to me yet - I have just heard of the
"shunning" from the kids.
-Alice
the rabid cusser
Sherry T.
Alice,
Sometimes it's best to let things settle down a bit
before confronting someone, especially when you're
still feeling emotional about it. I have the tendency
to want to deal with things as soon as they happen,
and doing so sometimes causes more harm than good. If
it were me, I would wait until an opportunity
presented itself to discuss these issues with the
neighbors. JMHO. Good luck!
Sherry
--- Alice <thesackmans@...> wrote:
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Sometimes it's best to let things settle down a bit
before confronting someone, especially when you're
still feeling emotional about it. I have the tendency
to want to deal with things as soon as they happen,
and doing so sometimes causes more harm than good. If
it were me, I would wait until an opportunity
presented itself to discuss these issues with the
neighbors. JMHO. Good luck!
Sherry
--- Alice <thesackmans@...> wrote:
> Ok, so I have read a lot of people's difficulties__________________________________________________
> with friends who
> have opposite parenting approaches. Some of you
> have stopped seeing
> certain families because the differences became so
> great that there
> were more negatives than positives to the
> relationship. Has anyone
> been outright ditched by a friend because of your
> radical unschooling
> approach has a negative affect (supposedly!) on
> their traditionally
> parented children???
>
> I have neighbors who live 2 doors down from us with
> 2 kids the same
> age and gender as mine. The kids all enjoy playing
> together. The
> neighbor family does all the traditional things -
> school, timeouts,
> groundings, spankings, arbritrary rules, etc. So
> their two kids LOVE
> LOVE LOVE to play at our house. All four kids will
> happily play for
> days on end- at our home only. The neighbor kids
> (nk) beg to eat with
> us, sleep with us, everything! The neighbor mom has
> expressed dismay
> at the fact that no one wants to play at her house.
> I was honest with
> her about the reason. The kids told me that they
> like to play at my
> house because I let them play things that are not
> allowed at their
> house, such as Dungeons & Dragons and swordplay. My
> house is just
> more fun!
>
> Lately, we - meaning my family and the neighbor kids
> - have had
> conversations about topics such as being made to eat
> all your food on
> your plate, being punished, stuff like that. I try
> to be supportive
> of their parents - I guess... but it is hard! And
> my kids like to
> say, "We don't have to eat what we don't want to
> eat!" I can only
> imagine what gets back to the neighbor parents. The
> kids are old
> enough to discuss this type of thing with each other
> and they do.
>
> So the other day the nk's told us that they were no
> longer allowed to
> play at our home because we "cuss". I am just not
> sure how to take
> this! Of course we don't punish our children for
> their language
> (which exactly mimics are own). We say things like
> crap, sh*t, maybe
> d**mn occasionally. We are not spewing profanity in
> every sentence.
> So I certainly feel that saying we cuss is a gross
> overstatement. My
> kids say that the nk's "cuss like mad sailors" when
> they are over at
> our house. (probably because they can't at home and
> so they go wild
> over here?) My guess is that the boy cussed at his
> own home, blamed it
> on us when he got in trouble, and now they are both
> forbidden to come
> over because we are a bad influence.
>
> My own kids really don't care that much and find it
> rather humorous.
> They like playing with these kids but don't miss
> them either. And my
> kids can still go over to their house, just not vice
> versa. I guess
> that way the neighbors can keep a better eye on the
> kids - presumably
> step in if anybody starts "misbehaving". My kids
> don't like going
> over there for obvious reasons. I am not sure if I
> should say
> anything or if I should just let this play itself
> out or what. I feel
> falsely accused but if I step back and look at it
> from their point of
> view, yes, we parent in a radically different way
> then them and it
> very well could undermine their "authority". I feel
> sad for their
> kids most of all.
>
> Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Any
> advice? The mom
> hasn't exactly said anything to me yet - I have just
> heard of the
> "shunning" from the kids.
> -Alice
> the rabid cusser
>
>
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http://mail.yahoo.com
D Smith
Alice,
I'd let it play out. The kids know what's going on.
They see the truth. I'm shunned by my cousin's soon to
be ex-husband. I can only see the kids if she (their
mom) is here with us. No amount of pleading will
change their dad's mind to let them spend the night,
which is what everyone wants so badly. He just doesn't
like me, never has, and I'm sure now that his kids
come home to him and tell him how great I am, it just
fuels his hatered for me. I think it's sad. I've let
my kid spend the night, but he doesn't like it there.
I know you'll pull through this. And as you said, the
kids are fine with it. Hopefully it's just
temporary???
Danie- who swears more than drunk saliors
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
I'd let it play out. The kids know what's going on.
They see the truth. I'm shunned by my cousin's soon to
be ex-husband. I can only see the kids if she (their
mom) is here with us. No amount of pleading will
change their dad's mind to let them spend the night,
which is what everyone wants so badly. He just doesn't
like me, never has, and I'm sure now that his kids
come home to him and tell him how great I am, it just
fuels his hatered for me. I think it's sad. I've let
my kid spend the night, but he doesn't like it there.
I know you'll pull through this. And as you said, the
kids are fine with it. Hopefully it's just
temporary???
Danie- who swears more than drunk saliors
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
mamavegg
>******************************************
> Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Any advice? The mom
> hasn't exactly said anything to me yet - I have just heard of the
> "shunning" from the kids.
> -Alice
> the rabid cusser
>
We had a similar situation occur here a few years back. Family down
the street, very strict in the same ways the parents of your kids'
friends are, and their kids practically lived here for a couple years
or so. Then, I was suddenly getting the cold shoulder from the mom,
and the kids weren't coming over as often, either. After a while, I
went over and asked the mom what was up. She burst into tears, and
spilled out how her kids wanted their house to be like ours, her to
be more like me, blah blah. But then she bucked up, quit crying, and
said "But everyone I've talked to about it says my kids need PARENTS,
not another best friend! And that what I'm doing is the right thing
as a parent." I wasn't about to get into an argument, so I let her
know her kids were welcome here, and let it go at that. The kids
returned happily, but same thing happened soon after, and they pretty
much don't come around anymore. The mom hasn't spoken to me in a few
years, and I have just let it go.
The kids do occasionally play outside, on more neutral ground, but
their kids seem different around us. My family has taken it in
stride for the most part. I found it sad that all the parents could
see was our differences, and that those differences were
somehow "bad". Differences in religious beliefs played in here,
also - a great learning experience for my family, but uncomfortable
for theirs, I guess.
This was a really hard situation for me at first, and I guess I
really have no advice to offer other than some things it's best to
just let go of. Getting over the "shun shock" took a bit, but I
wouldn't change our values and way of life for anything right now! :)
deanna
connie
I would just let it go. People have different expecations - can't change that. We are very liberal and relaxed at our home - but I certainly wouldn't want the kids saying cuss words (which is why I try not to let them slip out.) It's just generally socially disrespectful. Some people may be offended in the general population. Try to imagine that it's like saying a racial slur - or a disrespectful remark about a woman - or 'j - c' - some folks might be offended in stores - theaters - whatever.
everyone has different views of what's normal. Some parents might not want to 'encourage' violence if they are pacifists - i.e. encouraging swordplay - or having pretend weapons, guns, etc.
It's not a matter of 'power struggle' - but just creating an environment that a parent finds conducive to their idea of 'normal' living.
My son always like playing at homes when the parents weren't there - I think most kids love that freedom. I told him that I didn't want him in these homes due to liability issues, etc. He did as he pleased and was my one kid out of five that became sexually active very young and began using drugs at 14. He copied the 'freedom' that was allowed the other kids because they were 100% not supervised. (while the parents are out working or drinking or whatever). These other parents might feel the same about your house - that possibly it crosses the line of personal expression to downright socially unacceptable.
and yes, I've had a few parents who would not allow their kids to play with mine - one I still can't figure out why. But I don't spend much time thinking about it. Most are jealous because their kids wish they didn't have to go to school - or go to bed at a certian time or whatever...
everyone has different views of what's normal. Some parents might not want to 'encourage' violence if they are pacifists - i.e. encouraging swordplay - or having pretend weapons, guns, etc.
It's not a matter of 'power struggle' - but just creating an environment that a parent finds conducive to their idea of 'normal' living.
My son always like playing at homes when the parents weren't there - I think most kids love that freedom. I told him that I didn't want him in these homes due to liability issues, etc. He did as he pleased and was my one kid out of five that became sexually active very young and began using drugs at 14. He copied the 'freedom' that was allowed the other kids because they were 100% not supervised. (while the parents are out working or drinking or whatever). These other parents might feel the same about your house - that possibly it crosses the line of personal expression to downright socially unacceptable.
and yes, I've had a few parents who would not allow their kids to play with mine - one I still can't figure out why. But I don't spend much time thinking about it. Most are jealous because their kids wish they didn't have to go to school - or go to bed at a certian time or whatever...
----- Original Message -----
From: Alice
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 2006 7:38 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] We've been shunned!
Ok, so I have read a lot of people's difficulties with friends who
have opposite parenting approaches. Some of you have stopped seeing
certain families because the differences became so great that there
were more negatives than positives to the relationship. Has anyone
been outright ditched by a friend because of your radical unschooling
approach has a negative affect (supposedly!) on their traditionally
parented children???
I have neighbors who live 2 doors down from us with 2 kids the same
age and gender as mine. The kids all enjoy playing together. The
neighbor family does all the traditional things - school, timeouts,
groundings, spankings, arbritrary rules, etc. So their two kids LOVE
LOVE LOVE to play at our house. All four kids will happily play for
days on end- at our home only. The neighbor kids (nk) beg to eat with
us, sleep with us, everything! The neighbor mom has expressed dismay
at the fact that no one wants to play at her house. I was honest with
her about the reason. The kids told me that they like to play at my
house because I let them play things that are not allowed at their
house, such as Dungeons & Dragons and swordplay. My house is just
more fun!
Lately, we - meaning my family and the neighbor kids - have had
conversations about topics such as being made to eat all your food on
your plate, being punished, stuff like that. I try to be supportive
of their parents - I guess... but it is hard! And my kids like to
say, "We don't have to eat what we don't want to eat!" I can only
imagine what gets back to the neighbor parents. The kids are old
enough to discuss this type of thing with each other and they do.
So the other day the nk's told us that they were no longer allowed to
play at our home because we "cuss". I am just not sure how to take
this! Of course we don't punish our children for their language
(which exactly mimics are own). We say things like crap, sh*t, maybe
d**mn occasionally. We are not spewing profanity in every sentence.
So I certainly feel that saying we cuss is a gross overstatement. My
kids say that the nk's "cuss like mad sailors" when they are over at
our house. (probably because they can't at home and so they go wild
over here?) My guess is that the boy cussed at his own home, blamed it
on us when he got in trouble, and now they are both forbidden to come
over because we are a bad influence.
My own kids really don't care that much and find it rather humorous.
They like playing with these kids but don't miss them either. And my
kids can still go over to their house, just not vice versa. I guess
that way the neighbors can keep a better eye on the kids - presumably
step in if anybody starts "misbehaving". My kids don't like going
over there for obvious reasons. I am not sure if I should say
anything or if I should just let this play itself out or what. I feel
falsely accused but if I step back and look at it from their point of
view, yes, we parent in a radically different way then them and it
very well could undermine their "authority". I feel sad for their
kids most of all.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Any advice? The mom
hasn't exactly said anything to me yet - I have just heard of the
"shunning" from the kids.
-Alice
the rabid cusser
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]